Liveblogging the Premiere of the Bachelorette

8:00 - ABC promises this to be the MOST AMAZING BACHELORETTE EVER!!! I sure hope so.

8:01 - I... I can't do this again. Never mind.

8:02 - This liveblog is over!

For Everything Else, There's MasterDouche

Creating a fake online petition - Zero dollars

Putting a fake comment from a Pulitzer Prize winner on the fake petition - Zero dollars

Getting an early-morning phone call from the Pulitzer Prize winner bitching about seeing his name on fake petition - PRICELESS.

Oh, and apparently I'm a "witless mouth breather" because of a typo. Which allows me to resurrect this baby:

Swallow your coffee first...

I found this in the NY Times today.

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton may or may not become the first female president of the United States, but if fate and voters deny her the role, another woman will surely see if the mantle fits.

What are the must-haves to run as a woman for president? Clue #1:

She will be young enough to qualify as postfeminist (in the way Senator Barack Obama has come off as postracial), unencumbered by the battles of the past. She will be married with children, but not young children. She will be emphasizing her experience, and wearing, yes, pantsuits.

Pantsuits. Hmmmm....



Pray tell, who does the NYT have in mind?

In the Senate, the names that come up most often are Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota and Claire McCaskill of Missouri, both Democrats.

...



*snort*



Mmmpph.



A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Pantsuits make the woman. We've come a long way, baby.

Accommodate me!

Does anyone else think this story is being told so that we don't ever learn the actual facts? (Not that that's unusual; it's just a good example of the problem.) The situation is set up by the Strib as church vs. mom, and those are the only PoVs we get; they don't really give a sense of whether the kid really is horribly disruptive in church. Seems like a lot of words to throw out there just to avoid the heart of the matter.

Lack of context aside, I get a bad taste in my mouth almost every time the mother is quoted. To wit: I feel bad for causing a disruption when our toddler occasionally makes scenes in church or a store. In fact, we spent yesterday's entire service in the "quiet room" because The Boy fell down as he entered the nursery and didn't want mommy to leave him there with a fat lip. And he's just not ready to sit in church quietly yet. So it's hard to imagine, say, asking people to clear aisles while my family leaves church.

Where can I go to get brainwashed into thinking it's OK to expect everyone else to make big sacrifices -- including, possibly, their safety -- just so I can feel normal? Because it would make my life a whole lot easier: "Please ignore The Boy's screeching, whining, crying, kicking of your seat backs, and pulling of your wife's hair. He's too young to have a long attention span, and doesn't know how to handle boredom yet. So we've decided to make that your problem instead of ours, and we'd just like you to know that we're feeling pretty good about that. Oh, and if The Baby urps spoiled milk down the back of your neck, well, that's just what he does and I think that's going to have to be accomodated as well."

There are accommodations, and then there is going too far. All I'm saying is, I wish there was enough info in these TWO FEATURE ARTICLES IN A MAJOR-MARKET NEWSPAPER to tell me which is the case. I guess that's asking for too much for the paper that employs Nick Coleman and Lori Sturdevant.

Perhaps He Should Have Started in the Library

Stop me if you heard this one before: minor local-level celebrity gets caught with child pron; offers alibi that he was just doing "research."

Meet Bernie Ward. The San Fransisco lib talker and closet submissive went online looking for a mistress in pursuit of The Love That Dare Not Speak Out of Turn. When he found one he sent her a graphic picture, the legal term for which is "evidence." After pleading guilty and facing 5 to 20, he offered up this delicious excuse, clothed in several layers of mind-boggling irony:

Through his attorney, Ward says the online chat was 100 percent false, that he was role-playing as part of research for a book about hypocrisy and Republicans.

And I, for one, am filled with heartache that yet another mass slander masquerading as a "book" will never see the inside of a Barnes and Noble discount bin. It would have been great! What better way of "exposing" Republican "hypocrisy" than by being a married (with children) liberal who sends unsolicited child pron to some anonymous and unknown e-sex partner? That's genius right there that is.

The problem with having an overinflated sense of your own intelligence is that it causes you to think that everyone else is stupid. Enjoy the anal prison rape, Bernie. You earned it.

FEELING THE NEED TO PILE ON FURTHER: Since Bernie appears to think that hypocrisy is a terrible sin that is a defining characteristic exclusive to Republicans, and since Bernie is obviously not a Republican, I think it's safe to conclude that Bernie being the non-hypocrite he is, is totally cool with child pron. Therefore he will probably reoffend upon his release from prison, giving the court ample reason to depart upward on his sentence.

This Week in ThunderJournaling (TWIT)

Materialwise, I've just got to say - wow did this week suck. For an ascerbic electronic scribe such as myself, I can't remember a suckier week that sucked more than the suckitide that I had to put up with this sucky week. Between the dearth of NonMonkey columns, my self-imposed stupid leftyblog consumption embargo, a lack of people killing themselves by shoving inappropriate objects up their butts (please use the comment section to discuss which objects might be "appropriate" for butt-shoving), and the depressing realization that the NBA playoffs still won't be over for at least a month, the suck was pervasive in KAR this week. Aside from Iron Matron's t-shirt post and yesterday's epic-as-usual haikus, this ThunderJournal's output consisted entirely of suck.

Here, I made a pie chart to illustrate:



I even got beaten to the punch on the one promising gag that probably would not have sucked. Twice. (For the record, my petition would have called for all employed people who sign petitions calling for the firing of someone to be fired themselves.)

Hopefully next week we'll see NonMonkey back at his execrable worst; or at the very least, some dumbass will immolate himself lighting a fart.

Once Again, It Takes a Talking Animated Chimp to Show Us the Way

I've been tagged by a meme. I don't do memes unless they're cool, which they rarely are. This one isn't:

The "Message to the World" meme states: You have 150 characters to send a message to the world. Punctuation doesn't count.

I have a ThunderJournal. Anyone who has a ThunderJournal can send as many messages "to the world" as they want, using as many characters as they want. Therefore, this meme sucks.

So I outsourced it to Bobo.

No tagging. KAR is where blog memes go to their well-deserved and overdue deaths.

Friday Bacon Post

Bacon tomato and rocket spaghetti. Wait... what?

In a world where bacon is outlawed, only outlaws will enjoy smoky, porky deliciousness.

Not Just Anyone Can Create a Non-binding Online Petition to Fire Someone With Whom He Disagrees

Oh wait. Yes anyone can.

Go sign it. Now.

Ryan Rhodes: A Real Internet Hero.

The News in Haikus

How do you stem your
Declining profits? You put
Tits in your logo.



Beavis and Butthead:
The live action film. JB
Has title role cinched.



Blue hairs should get a
Shot for shingles. Still no shot
To prevent flashing.



Sibling rivalries
Are seldom won. But this girl
Beat her little sis.



I apologize
For that last haiku. I am
A sick sick monkey.



Sir Charles owes over
Four hundred grand. Any less
Would be unciv'lized.



Now Slow Joe Biden
Is plagiarizing famous
Penn and Teller show.



"Wah wah! We want to
Be seen!" "Here's your parade route."
"Wah wah wah wah waaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

Open Thread for Limericks

Limericks only, please.

Today's Random Stupid Internet Quote

On the vacuity of the Declaration of Independence's itemization of "the pursuit of happiness" as a fundamental human right:

Remember, boys and girls, lots of things can be pursued, but you can only be happy.

Yes, because it's well known that most people achieve happiness by sitting inertly in their beds, staring blankly into space.

This has been today's Random Stupid Internet Quote.

OK, Let's Try This Again

KAR doesn't have a newscast, because things like THIS would always happen.

(Hopefully this vid will be available longer than 5 minutes.)

KAR's Offishull RNC Thunderjournal Gear

As The Offishull ThunderJournal™ for the RNC Convention, KAR will not be outdone by the competition for gear. Made locally by unpaid bloggers in their basements (with Dad's laser printer and Mom's sewing machine and iron), our gear is competitively priced and sure to give street cred. All gear is teh 4mer Mayer approved.

For teh men:



For teh golpher:


For the plugged in (or plugged up):




And for the ladies who support KAR's endorsed presidential candidate:



Order today — quantities are limited. Ask your doctor for a free sample.

Common side effects include restlessness, insomnia, anxiety, headache, asthenia, flu-like symptoms, fever, nausea, diarrhea, anorexia, dry mouth, constipation, flatulence, dyspepsia, vomiting, somnolence, yawn, abnormal vision, sweating, trembling, weakness, weight loss, skin rash, delayed ejaculation in men, decrease in sex drive, and there have been reports of subsequent weight gain and Cleveland steamers.

Diluting Stupid

Dilution is a term of art used to describe the act of intentionally devaluing the asset of another through mimicry or by flooding the market with similar items. You can dilute the value of a security by dumping a bunch of shares of the same security on the market all at once. When you get the same number of dollars chances a more abundant supply of the security, its value goes down.

Likewise, Trademark dilution occurs when a firm markets an object, usually packaged with a mark similar to an existing, well-known brand, in order to confuse customers into buying more of the diluting firm's usually crappier product. For example, Ebay recently won a trademark dilution case against an online perfume retailer calling itself "perfume-bay.com" - a name chosen solely because it would make consumers think that the site was a node of Ebay.

Just like in security or retail markets, the concept of dilution can also be used in the marketplace of ideas. Legally. Which brings us to this fun activity I just thought of.

Teh Andee clues us in, in his usual,endearing syntax-impaired way:

Congresswoman Bachmann (R MN6) recently launched a YouTube page and the stalkerazzi of course can’t help but manufacture lies. Oh look, the dumpster queen and stalkerazzi are resorting to lies.

It’s Going to Be A One Way Conversation on Michele Bachmann’s Youtube Channel

I just left a comment on the welcome message.

As anyone one who has ever used YouTube knows, one of the big drawbacks of that otherwise extremely useful site is that it allows comments on videos. And as anyone familiar with the local blogging seen knows: Michele Bachmann + open comment engine = Retard-a-palooza.

Yes, you can bet that those psycho Dumpsters will be polluting the comment threads of every single vid the Congresswoman posts. But fortunately, you can help beat back the throngs of few drooling attention whores with way too much time on their hands in just a few easy steps. It's free and legal. Here's what to do:

1) Create a YouTube account with a user name similar - BUT NOT IDENTICAL - to your favorite Dumpster. For example, you might want to choose a name like "Eva Yount" or "Bill Bendyerass" or "Eric Beeyotch". Or better yet, just choose a name of a Dumpster and merely change one or two letters. The more similar, the better.

If you have an existing account, it may be possible to have a commenting sig that's different than your user name. Look into doing that instead, if you're so inclined.

2) Leave a whole bunch of comments on all of Bachmann's videos. However, to be more effective in your dilution efforts, be sure to follow these stylistic guidelines:

a) Express fake dismay. This is usually accomplished by leading your comment with "Curious."

b) Start off the "substance of your comment by posing a baseless loaded question meant to tie 2 or more unrelated political adversaries together. For example:

I wonder if Bogus Doug was present at the filming of this video, and if
Marcus knows about the rumors of their affair?

c) Bring up an unrelated and speciously self-constructed yet uncorroborated past slur of the congresswoman. The more irrelevant, the better. Example:

Michele Bachmann hid in the bushes once!

d) Demand to be heard by the Congresswoman despite the fact that i) you live outside her district; ii) you email or call her staff daily; iii) there's no way in hell she'd support your moonbat positions and she won an election with everybody in her district knowing that; and iv) no sane person gives a shit what you think anyway. Example:

Why won't Michele Bachmann meet with Karl at the Caribou Coffee in Still
water so he can tell her how to vote on legislation?

e) You should always spell "ridiculous losers" as "rediculous loosers".

Of course you can just leave nice messages too. Just make sure your comments are riddled with spelling errors, barely coherent, and are signed with a name that has a diluting effect.

There. I told you how to defeat Dumpsters using a tried and true method that has worked everywhere it's been tried; including this very ThunderJournal. The more comments you leave, the more the comments all look alike, and the less chance their brain turds will be noticed or even read.

Now go do it.

If KAR Ran a Newscast...

...This sort of incident would be common:

Bachelor Finale Liveblog

This KAR Original Liveblog™ is lovingly dedicated to the Nihilist in Golf Pants.

***

We here at KAR are please to bring you this liveblog of the MOST SHOCKING BACHELOR FINALE EVER!!! Hopefully we can expand our female readership. Or our nancyboy readership. Whatever.

9:01 - The Bach is "chucked" to be back home in London.

9:03 - Our first "stakes are high" cliche!

9:04 We meet the Bachelor's family: Brother Simon, father Simon, and Mum Simon. apparently they're British too.

9:06 - Simon (mum) is "chucked" to meet Chelsea.

9:07 - First sloppy kiss. They're chucked to be together.

9:10 - Bach: "We could be engaged this weekend." Liveblogger's advice: bet the under.

***First Commercial Break***

9:14 - And now we meet Lorenzo Llamas' daughter. She looks maaahvelous.

9:15 - Moonchild is out of bed and yammering in my ear. I can't hear anything. Please help out in comments if you can.

9:17 - Mrs. Foot thinks that the family isn't chucked by Shane.

9:18 - WELCOME visitors from google searches for "The Bachelor"! I don't normally do this. This isn't my real gig. I play keyboards.

9:20 - Simon (dad) looks like that gay judge (no, the other one) on Dancing with the Stars.

9:21 - Mrs. Foot points out that this liveblog is basically an admission that I watch the Bachelor.

FUCK! I wish she would have told me this 25 minutes ago!

9:24 - Shout outs to our reader in Mountain View California!!! Glad you could tune in!

9:25 - OMFG A HELICOPTER RIDE!!11!11!!

9:25 - Mrs. Foot: a) now wants to go to Barbados; and b) cautions that helicopters crash a lot. Watch for a possible twist in the action...

9:26 - Copter didn't crash. How predictable.

9:26 - DOUBLE ENTENDRE ALERT: "We 'fit' well together on the beach.

9:27 - Love..blah blah blah. I'm chucked to be watching this.

9:28 - SHOUT OUT TO OUR READER LOGGING ON FROM THE WEST DES MOINES HILTON! Thanks for surfing by!

***3rd COMMERCIAL BREAK

Mrs. Foot's analysis to this point: "I think he's going to make a big mistake if he picks Shayne. that said, he'll probably pick Shayne. If I were him, I'd pick Chelsea."

[Mrs. Foot slaps me after making the obvious suggestive lesbian remark here. *sigh*]

9:33 - "Shayne's a like a little monkey." What a compliment!

9:34 - Bach and Shayne are going parasailing. Could a Caribbean enema be coming?

9:35 - no

9:36 -Shayne: "I'm just ready to marry him." You're 22.

9:37 - Uh oh. Shayne broached the l-word. Unfortunately that word was "love" and not "lesbian".

9:38 - OH DENIED! Bach dodges in reply to Shayne's "I love you": "I'm falling in love with you." Shayne, I'm sorry to say that you just got served.

***7th Commercial break***

9:41 - Bach: The ring symbolises the love and devotion I feel for whichever girl I'm going to propose to later.

9:42 - Chelsea's first. Long time Bachelor fans like my wife know that this means absolutely nothing.

9:44 - Bachelor goes old school: "It's not you, babe. It's me." Maybe she would have had more luck if she'd tried using the "l"-word. No not that l-word. The other one. You know what I mean.

9:45 - Oh snap! Chelsea throws down on Shayne. Says she's fake. The Bach is not chucked to hear this. (Mrs. Foot adds "he's pissed." Or whatever the Brit equivalent of "non-chucked" is.)

***83rd COMMERCIAL BREAK. I'm actually chucked for this break since that exchange between Chelsea and the Bach left me emotionally spent.

9:50 - Mrs. Foot thinks that Shayne looks like a lemon. I'm wondering if she's wearing a thong under that teeny skirt. Blow wind blow!

9:51: Based on Shayne's eyebrows, Mrs. Foot hypothesizes that Shayne's drapes don't match her carpet.

9:55 - Oh gag.

9:56 - "Shayne will you Marry me?" "Yes" Liveblogger's advice: bet the under.

9:57 - I think I'm going to chuck.

9:59 - Mrs.Foot and I have been positively chucked to bring you this liveblog. This season of The Bachelor - and this live blog - is over!

Programming Note

I will be liveblogging the season finale of The Bachelor starting at 10 pm Eastern, 9 Central, since all the other floofy-gay reality shows are already adequately covered by other bloggers.

Why?

Because.

Happy Mum's Day

You gotta love moms who play along with their sons for practical jokes - especially the second one as street corner hustlers.