Sunday, November 07, 2004

Dear Bush Voter, You Are a Moron

Minneapolis Star Tribune Columnist Nick Coleman is an example of one reason I dropped out of journalism school (the other being that I had to take a typing test). Approximately 2% of J-school students were well adjusted folks like me who enjoyed writing and telling a story. The other 98% were a bunch of left-wing jerk-offs who felt that the media's role is not to be a check on the government by reporting facts and creating a picture as close to reality as possible so that the reader may be fully informed, but to "change the world" by advocating for change and ignoring facts that were inconvenient to their thesis. Nick is a 98 per center.

In fairness, Nick is not a reporter. He is a "page two" columnist who usually features slice o' life type articles. Of course the slices of life he reports are almost always stories that reflect positively on left-wing dogma or negatively on right-wingers (example: in a column a couple of months ago, he set off to find the typical Bush voter. He found them in a redneck bar in a northern suburb of Minneapolis at 2:00 on a weekday afternoon; babling incoherently as you might expect. If he were such a great reporter he might have tried looking for Republicans in, oh say, the IDS tower downtown or perhaps in their homes after the work day ends in Apple Valley.)

His column today (free registration required) is probably the most putrid in a line of bile that has been eminating from the left-wing opinion press this week. Appearing in the same issue that features a guest op-ed claiming that "Rove and GOP gambled against the Enlightenment, and won", and fellow "page two" leftist Doug Grow's lament that South Dakotans' long overdue ouster of Tom Daschle was a vote for mediocrity. Coleman's latest elitist dipshit ramblings cannot go unanswered. Therefore, I shall push the "fair use" doctrine to its limit:

The premise of Nicky's column is that he is answering all the hate-mail that conservatives sent him (and he deserved: just ask the boys at Powerline). Text in brackets is mine:

You sent me a ton of angry mail, Red [that is Conservative Nation]: letters giving me "a one-fingered salute," telling me the '60s are over, that I should shut my cake-hole, and sending me a map of the country that seems overwhelmingly red. Until you study it closely while thinking about where you'd like to go on vacation someday. Do that and you discover that all the places you want to visit are blue. [Uh huh, like Florida, Arizona, Colorado, Nevada, Montana, and Idaho - John Kerry has one of his vacation homes there, it must be nice. And I hear that people are flockin - just flocking - to blue state paradises like New Jersey, Delaware, and the Blue portion of Michigan - Detroit.]

But here's what I found troubling about your letters, Red: Many of you don't seem to realize you live in Minnesota. You think you are in Alabama. [Oh yeah, Alabama is a good place to vacation too. The Gulf Shore is beautiful and don't forget the Robert Trent Jones Golf Trail. And how could I omit North and South Carolina as fabulous vacation destinations too. Now what were you saying? I'm still busy laughing at the stupidity of that vacation comment. Oh that's right - conservative Minnesotans are the eqivalent of toothless hick Alabamians. Please continue, asshole.]

Speaking now to Blue Minnesota: In case you missed it, Alabama didn't just vote red by 63 percent. It also defeated an initiative to remove segregationist language from its state statutes.
Yes, indeed, the 1960s are over. What worries me is the people who want to go back to the 1860s.
[This just speaks for itself. What a condescending jerk.]

Back to you, Red:

Yes, George Bush won another term with 51 percent of the vote, which he believes gives him a mandate to stop being Mr. Nice Guy and start getting tough on Social Security.
But not in Minnesota, Red.

Minnesota stayed blue, as it has for 12 straight presidential elections, except the one CREEP stole for Tricky Dick in 1972. [This should not be a source of pride, Nicky. That Minnesota Blue vote was for Clinton twice, Dukakis, Mondale and twice for perhaps the worst president of the 20th century: Jimmy Carter. That's why I refer to Minnesota as the National Electoral Embarrassment. I imagine you think that the late Sen. Wellstone was a profile in courage because he was often the "1" in a 99 to 1 vote on the Senate floor. Being the sole vote against something is not an indication of courage, but it is a pretty good indication that you are WRONG.] In fact, we are bluer now than we were four years ago, despite the pipe dreams of Norm Coleman and Tim Pawlenty [Both republicans put in high places by a statewide election, ahem.] and the fact that Bush visited Minnesota more often than a mukluk salesman [But of course, Kerry and Edwards didn't. We're still trying to get rid of that hairspray smell].

This stubborn fact is driving some Reds nuts -- those of you who are writing to gloat about Bush's victory and tell me to "get used to it." The fact that I have voted for many Republicans [Bullshit. And Arne Carlson does NOT count as a Republican] and Independents, that I have only voted for one Democratic winner [that's because the rest of the country was voting against them] in my life, that I am a church-going Christian and that I do not suck the blood of children snatched from Bible camp does not keep you from wanting to rub my nose in Bush's victory.

Well, Red, let's look at some of the true blue things that are hard for you to swallow, and which might make it easier for you if you moved to Alabama or some other red-state Shangri-La [Hell-hole Cape Hatteras here I come! Or maybe Vegas baby! I hear New Mexico is quite pretty this time of year].

While you are claiming that 51 percent nationally gives Bush a mandate [It does, you moron, considering that he is the first candidate since his dad to get a majority of the popular vote. Let's also not forget Republicans expanded majorities in both houses, you vile vomitous mass], you also complain that too much is being made of the Democrats' 51 percent in Minnesota.
You can't have it both ways, Red: A mandate for the goose is a mandate for the gander. With a 3.5 percentage-point Democratic margin, Minnesota is a major redoubt in 19-state Blue America.
Minnesotans have a mandate to stick up for what a majority of our voters support.
[Partial birth abortion, socialism, diverity of race but not ideas.]
Just call us Big Blue. [I got somethin' big and blue for ya']
Sorry, Red. [Apology NOT accepted]
Minnesota went for Kerry by a majority equivalent to the entire populations of Duluth [Whose citizens terminally suffer from brain-freeze. See e.g., the climate they chose to live in and the restaurant smoking ban] (which gave Kerry 67 percent of the vote) and Chanhassen (which went for Bush). Minnesota's red and blue totals each increased over the numbers of the 2000 election. But the red-blue gap widened by 40,000 votes, growing from a Democratic margin of 58,000 four years ago to a whopping 98,000 [You keep failing to mention that Minnesota went for Jimmy Carter TWICE!].
I'll do the math while you get us a beer, Red: That's 69 percent bluer.
And that Big Blue Bang explains why a baker's dozen of Republicans lost seats in the Minnesota House
[Yet STILL MAINTAINED A MAJORITY YOU TINY-BRAINED WIPER OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BOTTOMS] -- that and Pawlenty's Bully Boy effort to whip up votes by appealing to greed and racial resentment of Indian casinos. My favorite losers: Lynda Boudreau, the ex-bandit who helped pass the gun permit law, and Arlon Lindner, our equal opportunity bigot [Speaking of bigots...].
It wasn't just Edina that turned blue, Red. So did Mendota Heights, Eagan (the governor's home) and many other areas where moderate Minnesotans [Ah, I see: Radical equals conservative, Moderate equals VOTING FOR TWO OF THE MOST LIBERAL MEMBERS OF THE SENATE]-- of all political stripes -- who care deeply about education, health care, the environment and the social safety net [we conservatives just want everybody to die] decided they did not want to be in Alabama.
We like it here in Gopherville.
[With a close-up view of one's own rectum. Did I mention that this wise electorate Nicky extolls voted for Jimmy Carter twice? And George McGovern?]
You know, Red, I think red and blue are both beautiful colors. When Minnesotans mix them together, we get purple -- a pretty popular hue around these parts, especially on Sundays during football season. Try to play along. If you don't learn from this election and keep demanding that your neighbors shut up and knuckle under to the national vote while deriding the verdict at home, then you will be left sputtering to yourselves [As opposed to wasting valuable column space in a big-city newspaper responding to e-mailers who disagree with you when you could have just hit the delete key and ignored the criticism like a Big Boy and done something more useful. Perhaps taking a sabatical and writing an economics textbook. Or taking a long vacation checking out the beautiful countryside and historic places in Red-state Virginia].
Until you are red in the face.
[Or bald in the head. (Sorry - that was cheap).]

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