Thursday, November 25, 2004

Predictions For 2005

My colleague LearnedFoot had a great post recently projecting headlines for the year 2024. While I will not go that far out into the future, I would like to start a Thanksgiving tradition by offering some predictions for the year ahead. 'V-Toed-Bill's Visions' if you will. So without further ado, let's get right to the prognosticating!

V-Toed Bill's 10 Predictions for 2005
  1. Michael Moore will be abducted by aliens from the Alpha Centauri system and taken back to their home planet. They return him in disgust when they realize he isn't the funny little lovable drunk guy with the great accent from the 'Arthur' movies that have been beaming their way through space since the early 1980's. He will be found wandering naked in a Nebraska cornfield muttering "my butt hurts."
  2. Cher announces in 2005 that the year 2012 will "absolutely, positively, 'cross my heart and hope to die'", mark the last year of her "Farewell Tour" which kicked off in 1998.

  3. The NHL owners will announce that the lockout of players will continue through the 2005-2006 season. A strike by irate fans to protest the move will get ugly when all 26 of them threaten to quit painting team logos on their faces and appearing drunk and shirtless in front of the few TV reporters that are following the story.
  4. Barry Bonds, will hit his 700th homerun into San Francisco Bay, and the ball will be retrieved by that guy who played 'Doc' on The Loveboat. I'm not sure why.
  5. Seeing the success of other actors turned politician, Sean Penn will announce in 2005 that he is a candidate for the Democratic nomination for president in 2008. Asked why he wants to be president, Penn will respond "Well, you do get a pretty righteous plane!"
  6. Still reeling from his senate seat loss, Tom Daschle will drop out of mainstream society and join a California cult that believes reruns of The Partridge Family contain divine messages. He will be arrested for trying to paint Los Angeles buses in weird color patterns while wearing bell-bottoms, a silk shirt, and a rubber Danny Bonaduce mask.
  7. Theresa Heinz Kerry will be the focus of a new reality TV show. The premise will be a challenge to see if there is anyone in the U.S. who can converse with her for five minutes and then determine what she just said. The winner will get a lifetime supply of beer nuts.
  8. Dan Rather will start a blog called "What's the Frequency Kenneth". His posts will consist of transcripts from his CBS Evening News broadcasts, and readers will be invited to try and guess what was fact and what was fiction. He will not be seen in public again until the year 2008 when, bedragled and unkempt, he will produce documents that allege GOP presidential nominee Rudy Giuliani once verbally assaulted a mime in Central Park.
  9. Al Gore will stray even farther off the beam when he pen's another environmental book. The book will be titled 'Tarnation' and will lament the frenzied pace at which the U.S. is building freeways. The hook in the piece is Gore's dire warning that at this rate of construction, the nation will be completely tarred over by the year 4056 leaving no room for anyone to stand without being hit by an evil fossil-fuel burning vehicle.
  10. In a shrewd marketing move, Kim Jong Il will trademark the name 'Axles of Evil' and use it as the front for a franchised transmission repair chain. The fledgling enterprise will fail when Kim blows all the venture capital by investing in Beanie Babies being sold on Ebay.

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