Sunday, December 19, 2004

Avast Me Hardies! Quaff Some Rum With Me!

Oh baby!

Looks like Nick Coleman Week is going to become Nick Coleman Month.

Like a semi-retarded child who keeps sticking his finger in the electrical outlet, our favorite Strib penis-head has done it again (if you look at the picture of him that accompanies his column, you notice that he kinda looks like a penis). Penis-head made good on this threat to Craig Westover to "address this in more detail". You can read Penis-Head's latest excuse for "journalism" here. I will also provide the links for Fraters Libertas and more importantly our newly dubbed leader Captain Fishsticks as, even though they have not yet done so, they will be loosing the Scuds later today.

Here, in part, is what Penis-Head wrote for today's edition (comments in [brackets] are mine):

The good news in my Nov. 14 column (I wrote a second column about Maxfield on Dec. 5) was that neighborhood supporters of the school had begun a drive to obtain reading books for the kids -- chapter books of the right levels and subject matters to fill classroom shelves and the library.

The results were heartwarming. Books and cash are still coming in. As of last week, the school had received $15,000 and an astonishing 20,000 books. This is an exciting story of an inner-city school overcoming obstacles to raise its prospects.
[Unfortunately for you Penis-Head, you are either too arrogant or too stupid to realize that this totally undermines your thesis. That is - our schools don't have books because they are underfunded; they are underfunded because evil conservatives refuse to consent to (yet another) tax hike; Public schools cannot subsist at their current level of funding and the only legitimate way for the schools to subsist is through public funding, not private largesse - a uniquely conservative value. Hey, Penis-Head: YOUR ARGUMENT IS BURNING.]

But instead of being cheered, the Maxfield story was jumped on gleefully by the enemies of the public schools. [Nope, we (well, actually Captain Fishsticks was) were again pointing out the need for school choice. But lefties like you, Penis-Head, would prefer to keep those poor kids on the plantation. All the better to use them as a baseball bat to pummel those whom you truly hate.]

Please reread the previous paragraphs and see if you can find the word "textbooks." You can't. [Penis-Head doing what he does best - semantic dissembling. In that original column, Penis-Head wrote: "How did we get to the point in Minnesota that we have a school in a minority neighborhood of our capital city where there aren't enough books." "Textbooks" is a reasonable interpretation of "books in the classroom." So Penis-Head is either a liar or a crappy writer.]

Unless, of course, you happen to be an ideological enemy of public education, [or a proponent of policies that actually help children, like school choice] like the full-time blogger and semi-pro newspaper columnist from the mean avenues of Afton [And where do you live Penis-Head? Oh that's right - the ghetto of Highland Park] who took the Maxfield story and twisted it into a rant against public schools. He blasted the St. Paul School District for not providing Maxfield with "textbooks" and not giving control of the school to the community. He has never, however, set foot inside Maxfield and he was wrong on every count, [on the other hand, Penis-Head has never paid my property taxes, so let's call it a draw] including his generic criticism of the St. Paul system, which is a model of accountability. [Which is why they had no books. Who was held accountable for the school not having enough books, anyway? I mean other than the evil conservatives who pay the lion's share of the property taxes that are supposed to fund that school.]

If I were Zell Miller, I'd challenge him to pistols at 30 paces, but I am bound by journalistic courtesy not to call him out. [That and you obviously realize that a duel is too manly a pursuit for you to engage in, Penis-Head. Also, Captain Fishsticks would kill you.] I will say, however, that his blog on the Internet shows a picture of an ancient mariner in yellow slickers, standing at the helm of a storm-tossed yacht. He looks like the guy on a box of frozen fish sticks.

After distorting the Maxfield story, Captain Fishsticks was reproved in print by Maxfield Principal Zelma Wiley. Since then, Fishsticks has gone back to his boat and confined his tirades to the first refuge of scoundrels, his personal Internet blog, where he is toasted by other rum-swigging hearties daily. [Hey! Penis-Head's talking about us! Thanks for the shout-out, yo! In any event, I believe that the rum-swigging hearties referred to are the Fraters guys. Although, JB prefers Bookers.]

I should thank him for helping me understand the extent of the campaign against public school funding, [as opposed to your campaign to keep the kids on the plantation] as well as the strategy of the pirates [Yar, matey] who want to plunder education funds [and buy me rum with it yeargh] and use the money for schools that will teach young men how to tie a proper bow tie. [in 12 years of private education, I never even learned how to tie a regular tie. I did however, learn to read. And the private schools I attended had half the funds to buy "chapter books" - whatever the hell those are - as your precious public schools do, Penis Head.]

Deep breath. Calm, blue ocean. Calm blue ocean.

Maybe it's the bloody mary talking (OK - the 4th bloody mary), but I think Penis-Head needs to be put back in touch with reality. He doesn't seem to recognize that by acknowledging our arguments, he validates them. Do you ever feel threatened by those whose arguments are completely meritless?

You can e-mail Penis-Head at ncoleman@startribune.com. Please be sure to point out to him, that instead of insulting us, it would be nice if he thanked us for our current and ongoing contributions to the public schools through our property taxes, before demanding that we pay even more.

If your children are in a private school (i.e. you are sharing the financial burden while refusing to enlarge the burden), be sure to point that out too.

And call him really vile names.

Editorial Note: I apologize if you were offended by my (intentionally) excessive use on the word "Penis-Head". It was not my intention to offend, but rather to ensure that there would be at least one hit if you were to Google the phrase: "Nick Coleman" & penis-head.

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