Sunday, January 30, 2005

Moron Mail

CAUTION: The following post may contain run-on sentences.

This was truly a dismal day in the editorial pages of the Strib. First, there was the section's lead: a hit piece on Christians by former mouth-breathing Lyndon Johnson political hatchetman turned mouth-breathing freelance political hatchetman Bill "I Cannot Come Up With A Nickname Vile Enough To Describe This Jerk" Moyers.

Then Minnesota Icon (who maintains a home in River Falls, Wisconsin) Garrison "Dork Chic" Keillor offered a piece about Lutherans, gay marriage, and his favorite topic, himself, which included the following passage:

It absorbs and deflects violence and anger by causing confusion and annoyance and writing a lovely amorphous mishmash of sentences like extruded marshmallows and thus the peace is kept.

Speaking of extruded marshmallows, here's a helpful hint for the ladies: if your man is all over you, but you are not in the mood, simply say the words "gay, Lutheran, Garrison Keillor" and you will not have to worry about him for at least a week.

But, as is always the case, the best material comes from the rank-and-file moonbats. Like the following letter to the Strib. As an editorial exercise, (somewhere Jim Boyd is saying "an editorial wha'?") I have annotated all of the baseless and questionable assertions or those statements suggest a narcotic-induced version of reality, with this (?) or other comments:

Bring them home

On Monday, let's declare victory in Iraq and start bringing the troops home(?).

We forced Iraqis to have a bogus election
(?). We leveled cities (well, one city anyway-ed.), ruined infrastructure (then fixed it -ed.), killed more than 100,000 (?) and maimed twice as many(?). We've inspired a new generation of outraged Muslims(?). We've sacrificed (who sacrificed?-ed.) 1,400 of our soldiers and hundreds from other countries. We've spent $200 billion to create chaos (?) at home (?) and abroad (?). We've turned the world against us(?).

Our job in Iraq is complete (?). Let's claim victory and go home (?).

Kathy Stone, St. Paul.

Here's the version of the letter that would be printed if letters to the editor were held to account for factual inaccuracies and inflammatory rhetoric:

On Monday.

Kathy Stone, St. Paul

I would be happy to lend the Strib my extraordinary editorial skills. Just think of all the space that could be used for advertising when letters and commentaries like Stone's are pared down to their bare essences! My resume is available on request.

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