Monday, March 21, 2005

Things That Bug Me

It's Monday: Cranky Post Day!

THING #1 - Ponchos

I'm sure you've seen women roaming around sporting the latest fashion trend: the urban poncho:


This is depressing to me on two fronts. First, this travesty makes its ascendancy at a time when a much worthier trend is on its way out. I am, of course, talking about thong panties.

But far more disturbing, and maybe I am exhibiting signs of a budding mental illness here (Nihilist in Golf Pants interjects: "Budding?"), but whenever I see someone wearing one of these things, I can only think of this.

Shutter.

THING #2 - Mens' Room Boogers

Please, if you need to pick your nose, could you please use a hanky or a kleenex? But if you must pick your nose while peeing in a public restroom, please oh please, could you flick the booger into the urinal rather than sticking it to the wall? And if you absolutely positively must stick your booger to the wall COULD YOU PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOT PLACE IT ABOVE THE URINAL AT EYE-LEVEL?!!!!!

THING #3 - This Letter:

I wonder how many examples a March 17 letter writer can identify from ancient Greece -- or from personal experience -- of the kinds of gay and lesbian couples my wife and I count as friends: faithful and loving partners who pay taxes, go to church, do absolutely no harm to anyone and seek only the same rights others enjoy.

The writer says nothing about rampant promiscuity among heterosexuals. I would submit that their adultery and divorce rate is a far greater "road to ruin" than any threat he imagines from gays and lesbians.

Ronald A. Nelson, Minneapolis.

This tired line of "reasoning" has been spreading like ebola for the past couple of years. It hardly deserves a proper response.

So instead I will use a syllogism in the form of a run-on sentence.

Saying that gay couples should be allowed to marry because they could hardly do more damage to the institution of marriage than all the divorcing and unfaithful heterosexual couples, is kind of like saying that people with no arms should be allowed to pitch in the Majors because they could hardly do any more damage to the institution of baseball than pitchers already in the Majors who doctor the ball with spit or emory boards.

There's your daily dose of bile. Sorry for ruining ponchos for you.

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