Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Three Characters in Seach of a Moonbat

V-Toed-Bill: Where are we?

LearnedFoot: Dunno.

Dementee: *grunt*

[beep...beep...beep]

VTB: (startled) What was that?

LF: That's my new invention: the Moonbat Detector. This model is the MD3000.

Dem: WHERE MOONBAT? ME HATE MOONBAT!

VTB: Cool! How does it work?

LF: Well, first it scans the area for brainwaves. Then it filters out any brainwaves that show an intelligence higher than a common squirrel's. It then analyzes the remaining data to see if any given individual's brainwave demonstrates a complete and utter divorce from reality. If the MD3000 determines the presence of a moonbat, it then does a GPS trianulation to determine the moonbat's proximity.

Dem: ME WANT TO EAT MOONBAT!

MD3000: beep...beep..beepbeep...beepbeepbeep

LF: Looks like we're getting close to a moonbat...

Dem: YUMMY MOONBAT! ME HAFTA EEEEEEAAT MOONBAT!

VTB: Shhhhhhh.

MD3000: beepbeepbeepBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP

LF: Geez! This thing's going off the charts. It's gotta be right on top of us! Where the hell-

VTB: (pointing) OH MY GOD IT'S OVER THERE!

Merrily Helgeson, Wayzata: I can't believe that Gary Gilson ("Governor shouldn't undermine the media," Feb. 25) is so ingenuous as to believe that Gov. Tim Pawlenty would stop ridiculing the media if he understood that doing so damages the press' essential role as the fourth branch of government.
Pawlenty knows that's what he's doing, and that's why he's doing it. Ever since the press brought down President Richard Nixon, Republicans have followed policies intended to neuter the press and the good of the country be damned.

They now control the three official branches of government and are well on their way to controlling the unofficial fourth.

VTB: HOLY CRAP! THIS IS A BAD ONE!

[Somewhere in the distance, the Bruce Dickinson Air Raid Siren faintly sounds]

LF: Run away! Run away! Run to the hills! Run for your lives! [LearnedFoot and V-Toed Bill run away. Dementee remains.]

Dem: COME TO DEMENTEE MOONBAT! GET IN MY BELLY!

[Later, once LearnedFoot and V-Toed-Bill reach safety]

VTB: Wow. That was one of the worst moonbats I have ever seen. Can you imagine: a right wing conspiracy, enraged by the downfall of Nixon bringing down the mainstream press by doing nothing more than ridiculing it. I actually felt my brain falling out of my head when I saw that letter. [Pointing to MD3000] That baby's gonna come in handy. What else does it do?

LF: Plays Iron Maiden mp3s.

Dem: *burp*

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