Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Bahamian Rhapsody - Part 1: Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Revenue Streams, I Learned in the Bahamas

My recently concluded trip to Nassau quashed my illusions that America is the Unbridled Capitalism center of the universe. Whether you're on the resort property or out and about the island, those folks down there are relentless in their efforts to separate you from your money.

Taking my cues from the rollicking marketplace mindset of the Bahamas, I decided that KAR can open several lucrative revenue streams. Inspired by my experiences with the resort and the locals down there, KAR's services are now subject to the following rates structure / fees:

* All visitors must pay $100 per day for their stay here at KAR. A 15% gratuity will automatically be added for your convenience.

* A $20 per day "blog fee" will also be added to your bill to cover the various amenities here, such as the linklists, the blogrolls and the handy one-click e-mail link.

* Each time Bill redesigns the header, visitors must pay a $35 "Artistic Preservation / Rebranding Fee". A 15% gratuity will be automatically added for your convenience.

* Each outbound link is subject to a $25 "TTLB Rank Enhancement Fee" payable by the owner of the linked site. A 15% gratuity will automatically be added for your convenience.

* V-Toed Bill must pay a one time $500 "Traffic Restoration Fee".

* Want a beer while reading KAR? Grab one from your fridge. That'll be $17, and a 15% gratuity will be automatically added for your convenience.

* A $75 "LearnedFoot Sanity Maintenance Fee" will be assessed, along with an automatic 15% gratuity, each time I am forced to comment on the daily stupidity that bubbles out from the Strib's letters page, like this:

=>FREE SAMPLE<= Present the other side

It would be really nice if the Star Tribune would hire a gay columnist to balance the rants of Katherine Kersten.


Maybe if people got to read about the everyday lives of gay men and women, they could see why they need the same rights afforded straights and straight couples.

It would really be nice if the Star Tribune could take a break from the ugly rhetoric and let us enjoy Gay Pride Month. Save the fireworks for July.

Frank Sturzl, Maplewood
.

It sure would be nice if the Strib would hire a conservative Irish-Italian Wisconsin ex-pat Packer-fan columnist to counterbalance the hateful, xenophobic, and delusional rants of, well, almost every other opinion writer they have on their staff.

Maybe if people got to read about the everyday lives of conservative Irish-Italian Wisconsin ex-pat Packer fans, they would see why we need at least ONE decent Sicilian deli in the southern suburbs, and realize that Winter Park (the Vikings HQ and practice facility) is the single largest focus of evil in the known universe, aside from Al Gore's house.

=>END FREE SAMPLE<=

* Commenters and trackbackers must pay a $13.50 "Haloscan Administration / Moonbat Troll Ejection Fee" per comment / trackback. A 15% gratuity will automatically be added for your convenience.

* When you leave KAR to surf on to other blogs or websites, you will be bombarded by roughly 14,000 pop-up ads that will try to get you to buy useless, overpriced crap.

* Using new cutting-edge technology, we have reconfigured the blog so that it will cause your monitor to bombard you with high intensity UV rays that can penetrate SPF 30 sunscreen and cause severe sunburn in a little under 10 minutes. Aloe vera lotion is available from KAR for $15 for a 3 ounce bottle, plus an automatic 15% gratuity, added for your convenience.

Enjoy your stay!

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