Monday, June 27, 2005

Democrat Party Restates Platform

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 27, 2005 - Howard Dean, chairman of the Democrat National Committee (DNC) announced today the main planks of the party's platform as it ramps up for the 2006 interim elections. Dean wants to consolidate all of the disjointed agendas and loosely affiliated messages of various factions into a newly formed cohesive base, and then communicate that platform to voters over the next 15 months.

Major components of the so called 'Platform of Hope' are said to include:
  • The idea that America sucks, and our presence on the earth has been a hinderance to the progress of older countries and societies
  • The American military is a bunch of losers who got lucky in World War II, and who have since not been able to win a war, and deserve to lose because of our arrogance
  • The people of this country have no idea as to how to run their own lives, and it takes an overbearing and protective government 'nanny' to shepherd an individual safely from cradle-to-grave
  • That the American economic model of free enterprise has saddled the country with the worst economy since the great depression, and only the extremely wealthy (those making over $100 thousand per year) can make ends meet
  • That we are the most racist society on the planet, and that it does not matter what has been done over the past 100 years in the arena of civil rights, or that President Bush has a cabinet that looks more like America and is more diverse than any administration in history, because all Republicans are racists and bigots
  • That every other nation on the earth hates us and it is our own fault, because we are selfish capitalistic pigs who only think about ourselves (unless there is a tidal wave, earthquake, flood, monsoon, genocide...)
  • That we have no right to protect ourselves from terrorists and to take preemptive measures against them, because if we get attacked, we must have done something to deserve it
  • That criminals deserve even more rights because after all it is society who made them the way they are
  • That anyone's lifestyle, no matter how repulsive or morally antithetical to mainstream Americans, must be celebrated, taught, and championed in public institutions like schools, and in the private sector - even if that means new laws to 'normalize' the lifestyle

Dean said that other planks will be added as the DNC hears from other factions in its wide-ranging voter base. There is some talk about proposing a law to make religion illegal, but this proposal by powerful atheist constituencies in the party is strongly opposed by pagan witch covens whose practices would be outlawed. Dean promises that all of these little differences between the factions can be worked out, and that the party will bring a united front against the Republicans come next November.

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