Monday, June 06, 2005

Extreme Moron Mail

Letter writers advocating for gay marriage are always a rich source of material, despite the fact that the issue interests me about as much as the Peruvian Llama trade. These letters are compelling due to the fact that the folks who write them have absolutely no reservations about using false analogies, absurd logic, and even more absurd rhetoric.

Be sure that your head is securely duct-taped, wear a helmet, and have pillows scattered about the floor to cushion you when you fall out of your chair. These are pretty bad. Names have been censored to protect, well, me from having one of these fools follow me into a bathroom:

Gays shall overcome

Katherine Kersten is flat wrong ("Heterosexual marriage: A universal institution," June 2). Gay marriage is the civil rights movement of our generation. It will be as embarrassing to our children as segregation is to our parents.

My daughters will equate President Bush with Alabama Gov. George Wallace, and compare people like state Rep. Michele Bachmann and columnist Kersten to the sidewalk hecklers who screamed at little black girls.

Katie Moonbat, Moonbatonka.

Oh, this a completely apt comparison. I mean, a "right" for two men to publicly declare their love for each other and be recognized by the government for doing so is totally on par with the right of minority races to vote, own land, sit wherever they want on a bus, use the same bathrooms as everybody else, and to be able to move about freely without having to worry about being hung from a tree by a mob of toothless sheet-wearing animals.

Right. On. The. Money.


Fix straight marriage first

Oh CHEEZUM-H-CHRISTMAS! Not this tired old non sequitur AGAIN.

If Katherine Kersten's mission is to protect marriage as the "best way of binding fathers to the mothers of their children, for the benefit of all," perhaps she would be willing to consider these suggestions, since more than half of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce:

- Amend the Constitution to prohibit divorce for any couples with children.

- Force parents with children to marry within six months after the death of a spouse, or have a marriage partner appointed by the government.

- Prohibit the birth of a child to an unwed partner (see above).

- Criminalize adultery with penalty, fines and punishment for married partners with children.

All of these solutions would be far more effective than society's "norms and reinforcements" to bind the failing heterosexual "universal institution" more firmly.

Shannon Moonbat, Moonbatapolis

Yes, the divorce-does-greater-damage-to-the-institution-of-marriage-than-gays talking point. It's like saying that Luis Rivas damage the institution of baseball because he can't hit. (Actually, I suspect that there are some non-moonbat Twins fans who may agree with that statement.)

Retire this toothless, utterly stupid, brainless, intelligence-insulting talking point before I start doing damage to the institution of sombody's nose.

OK. Recheck that duct tape. Is it securely affixed? I hope so, because this letter made me shoot a half-chewed bite of burrito out of my nose (emphasis is mine):

Love has no age limits

My grandmother was married three times. My mother was married three times. My first stepfather was married twice. My second stepfather has recently married for the third time.
So for Katherine Kersten to state that heterosexual marriage exists for the purpose of men and women to make babies is insulting not only to me, as a gay man, but particularly to my grandparents, parents and stepparents -- many of whom found true love late in life and married in their 60s, 70s and, recently, in their 80s, when childbearing was impossible.

So now as my partner and I approach our 26th anniversary, I only want what Bopie and Gompa, Mom and Uncle Dad (yes, imagine, my mother married my uncle), and Don and Patti reached for and found: approval from no one and nothing but their own loving hearts, and the legal protection (health [2 single-sentence statutes can fix that - that is, if this were a "legal protection", which it isn't -ed], inheritance [it's called a "will" - look it up -ed.] and the more than 100 other benefits [100? Name them. It's certainly not preferential tax treatment -ed.]) to safeguard their soul mates and their unions.

If only my mother or her mother, Bopie, were alive -- they'd be dialed up to high witch over Kersten's neofascist column. And trust me, it wouldn't be pretty.

R.D. Moonbat, Minnepoopolis

"Neofascist". I love that. When the "F-word" is evoked, it's usually an indication that the moonbat has got nothing to say that can be taken seriously.

But we already knew that when we got to "Uncle Dad".

I have nothing else to say. I need to change my duct-tape.

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