Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Marquette Nickname Vote Scandal Deepens

Two commenters with connections to Marquette offer theories to explain the Great Nickname Poll Scandal (hereafter known as "Goldengate") exposed here yesterday:

From Paddy:

Just spoke to the Marquette sister and asked her about the train-wreck that is the "Golden Eagles" renomination and the whole more votes then voters deal. She said voters were allowed to vote for two nicknames. Asked her what nickname she voted for and she said she couldn't remember. May go a long ways to explaining Marquette's current predicament.

Hmmm. Mindless voting. Could be an explanation - one that would be especially agreeable to Domers.

Noted Marquette alum Denbo crunches the numbers:

Each ballot contained 2 votes (e.g. you could pick your 2 favorite names from a list of 10 or pick one from the list and write in one). Any write-ins referring to war (i.e. Warriors, War Eagles, etc.) or disrespectful of the University or the Jesuits (i.e. Jumpin Jesuits, European Disease Spreading Missionaries) were thrown out. Therefore a back of the envelope calculation leads this noted alumnus to conclude that 45.4% of the ballots contained such repulsive references. I am willing to bet of those 14,314 discarded votes the vast majority was for Warriors.

Had "European Disease Spreading Missionaries" been a choice, I would have actively advcated for it.

While compelling, these theories fail to account for the the most compelling fact pointing toward vote rigging: the most unpopular collegiate nickname in the history of the universe was renominated. If this poll was legit, you would have to believe that many of the same people who have been bitching about "Golden Eagles" for ten years have voted to retain that moniker.

I SUSPECT FRAUD!!!!

And if the elections of 2004 taught us anything, it taught us that the mere suspicion of wrongdoing resulting in an undesirable outcome is enough to warrant all manner of absurd demands of those in power and lawsuits.

Therefore, to remedy this grave situation, the editorial board of KAR demands the following measures be taken immediately:

- A bipartisan committee co-chaired by Paddy, Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo and Hank Raymonds be formed to investigate this fraud.

- The computer that tabulated the poll votes (which I'm sure is currently under the control and dominion of the Marquette University Board of Vote Rigging Trustees) be seized and taken to an undisclosed location in Sensenbrenner Hall where it will be available for investigation by the committee.

- The 1977 National Championship trophy be removed from the trophy case and taken to an undisclosed location in that dorm that looks like a big beer can.

- The National Guard be called in to secure and lock down the Al McGuire Center.

- A new poll must be taken using voting machines that leave a paper trail and are not made by Diebold. However, no picture ID will be needed to vote.

- All manner of lawsuits must be filed.

We're through the looking glass here people.

Developing...

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