Thursday, July 14, 2005

Dispatches From Ted Rall's Colon

[CAUTION: This post contains an extremely long run-on sentence]

Every so often, one encounters a person who has his head buried so far up his butt, that he can see his own tonsils.

Many times, that person turns out to be Ted Rall.

You remember Ted: that cartoonist who can't draw, isn't funny, is often offensive, makes up "facts" on the fly, and speaks with a deep lisp? Of course you do. The first indication of the locus of Ted's melon comes from this doozy in a dopey "column" of his that appeared this week (all emphasis is mine):

If, as state-controlled media insist, there is such a creature as a Global War on Terrorism, our enemies are underground Islamist organizations allied with or ideologically similar to those that attacked us on 9/11.

Now if Ted's head weren't so firmly ensconced between his upper and lower intestine, Ted would be referring to PBS; the former home of such egregiously right-wing programs like "NOW with Billshit Moyers".

One gets the impression that Ted isn't talking about PBS when he calls it "state-controlled media".

Oh, but of course Ted is not a node of the "state controlled media," so you can trust him!


You can tell that Ted has burrowed all the way up to his pyloric sphincter when you read this one:

If Newsweek's report is accurate, Karl Rove is more morally repugnant and more anti-American than Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden, after all, has no affiliation with, and therefore no presumed loyalty to, the United States. Rove, on the other hand, is a U.S. citizen and, as deputy White House chief of staff, a high-ranking official of the U.S. government sworn to uphold and defend our nation, its laws and its interests. Yet he sold out America just to get even with Joe Wilson.

Let's tally the repugnance score:

OSAMA: Openly advocates, plans and funds operations intentionally calculated to kill as many innocent civilians as possible, so that his perverse strain of hyper-oppressive Islam can dominate the world.

RI: (Repugnance Index) 10 (out of 10)

KARL: Told a reporter that the guy who released a report stating that there was no evidence that Iraq was trying to buy uranium in Niger, despite the fact that the Brits -who came up with that intelligence, and who obviously aren't as smart, well-connected and resourceful as he is - stand by that intelligence to THIS DAY, and that he got the authority to make the trip to Niger from his unnamed wife (who kept her maiden name) who works in the "agency". Oh and by the way, both are Democratic Party hacks who are working on the Kerry campaign, and if you haven't noticed: there's a presidential election coming up, so the report Wilson made, in light of these circumstances, is highly suspect at best, and an outright lie at worst.

RI: (If you are a mouth-breathing cretin who learned your civics lessons from reading placards in Northrop Mall and like the smell of your own butt) 10

RI: (If you are a sentient human being) 1 - maybe.

There's more - much more - but the stench of Ted's sphincteral emanations are beginning to overcome me.

Read the whole thing, and appreciate that you are one of the lucky ones - one with a brain unmarred by fecal matter.

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