Monday, August 29, 2005

OPG: Dispatches From the Road

I checked my e-mail this morning and found several communiques from our beloved Obnoxious Packer Guy. It appears OPG is on a road trip:

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Friday Aug. 26, 2005. 11:00 pm

LearnedFoot,

I'm pretty wasted right now. I still have a bad taste in my mouth (think "Blatz") from my misguided protest of Bob Slowik. I've decided that the best thing to do to cleanse my soul is to go on a pilgrimage. I hit the road tomorrow. Where am I going? It's a surprise.

I'll be in touch.

OPG

Saturday Aug. 26, 2005. 9:00 am.

I'm making good time. After driving a little under 3 hours, I'm taking a break at a watering hole in Matoon, Illinois. Having some grub and a few pops (of the barley variety) before I hit the road again.

I feel a little uneasy here in the Belly of the beast. They hate the packers here. Their hatred is no doubt fomented by Bears coach Lovie Smith's pronouncement before last season that "beating the Pack is priority number one". And dagnabbit if they didn't do that.

Lovie Smith is a terrific danger to the Pack. He's made Soldier's Field a launching pad for bravado laden rhetoric and lousy football. I'm sure Mike Sherman and Ted Thompson would like to take him out. My question is: why don't they? I mean they could do it. They have a duty to take out Lovie. They should just take him out. Have Nick Barnett overrun a tackle into the Bears' sideline and level him or something.

More later,
OPG

Saturday Aug. 27, 2005. 7:30 pm.

LearnedFoot,

I've stopped at a bar somewhere in Arkansas for a bite and some brews. I'm getting close to my destination.

Oh, and sorry about that whole "we gotta take out Lovie Smith" thing. I didn't mean it.

Anyway, I love your "Moron Mail" features. I've been musing myself about all those stupid letters to the Strib and thought I might try my hand at writing one. Here's a letter to the Strib that I'd write if I were a mouth-breathing, talking-point perpetuating imbecile:

Many letter writers lately have been concerned about the morale of the troops fighting in Iraq, as well as the morale of those National Guard units about to be sent to the war zone.

I wonder what degrades that morale more: concerned citizens at home exercising their freedom to protest a war they think is unjust, or finding out that the Bush administration started the war based on lies regarding phantom weapons of mass destruction?

Pretty good huh? I crammed 2 talking points into one paragraph. And I pretended I didn't know what the word "lie" means. How about this one:

In this cynical age, Katherine Kersten's loyalty to President Bush is perhaps admirable. The problem is that blind loyalty can block new thoughts, and often the ultraloyal have to contort wildly as they justify.

For example, in explaining the rise in dissent against the war, Kersten doesn't blame mismanagement, she blames the media, because they report bad news. Apparently all we need to do is read happy news, and we'll win the war.

Also, in an attempt to add "context" to public perception, she distorts history with amazing gall. First she associates the goal of fighting in Iraq to the goal of fighting in World War II (did Saddam attack the U.S.?), then she argues -- jaw-droppingly -- that the 1968 Tet Offensive would be viewed as a victory if only the media hadn't reported how many Americans were killed.

But Kersten's main defense of the war is the old neocon trick: She slimes people, suggesting that antiwar views are self-serving, or anti-soldier, or uninformed, or calculated. Take your pick, I guess.


Kersten is unquestioningly loyal to the president, but is she loyal to truth?

As you can see here, I employed both misdirection (i.e. a rolling body count is the only news worth reporting from Iraq) plus a variation of the whole "why do conservatives hate freedom" meme. I think that also combining the latter with the common accusation that any writer who dares to agree with the President is an arm of Karl Rove's propaganda machine is pure genius. And note also my use of the meaningless label "neocon".

I will announce the destination of my pilgrimage next time I write you.

OPG

Saturday Aug 27, 2005. 11:47 pm.

Foot,

I have arrived here in New Orleans. Yes, my pilgrimage is to the Louisiana Superdome - the venue in which the Pack scored their third Lombardi Trophy back in 1996. I decided to drive straight down to the Quarter, since after such a long journey I need to get my drink on.

The Quarter is surprisingly quiet. I wonder where everybody is?

More tomorrow,

OPG

Sunday Aug. 28, 2005. 1:00 pm.

Dude, the Quarter hella SUCKED. All the bars were closed. I thought this was supposed to be a party town.

I'm now outside of the Superdome, resplendent in my Mark Chmura jersey, cheesehead, cheese tie and Green -n- Gold beads (when in Rome...). The traffic was horrible, but I made it. There are A LOT of people - thousands maybe - here standing in line to take the tour. Yes - I'm writing an e-mail while in line at the Superdome! I've been fortunate enough to get a wifi signal just about everywhere I go! Hope my luck keeps up. I had no idea this tour was so popular.

Looks like rain. More when I'm inside.

OPG

Sunday Aug. 28, 2005. 3:30 pm.

LF,

Man it took a long time to get inside! But it's worth it! This is an AWESOME tour. There are no tour guides - they just let you wander around the stadium. I already have found the Saints' locker room and put Icy-Hot in all the jock straps. Heh heh.

The best part: they give you a cot in case you want to stay the night. Sweet!

I'm going to explore some more. I'll be back later.

OPG

Sunday Aug. 28, 2005. 9:00 pm.

Foot,

The roof is starting to leak. Some dome.

Monday Aug. 29, 2005. 8:00 am.

That was a pretty comfortable cot. Never spent an entire night in an NFL stadium. I almost accomplished the feat back in '94, when I pitched my tent at the 30 yard line at Lambeau. Made it 'til about 11:00, and from there spent the remainder of the evening as a guest in the Brown County Jail.

Anyway, I'm all packed up and on my way to the door. All in all a successful pilgrimage. I'll --

HOLY F***ING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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That is all I have heard from OPG.

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