Tuesday, August 16, 2005

You Down Wit' OPG? (Yeah, You Know Me)

NOTE: Today KAR is proud to introduce the premiere posting of our special guest blogger Obnoxious Packer Guy. We expect that OPG will be making frequent contributions (via LearnedFoot) throughout the coming NFL football season.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: OPG was supposed to post something last Friday, to follow the Packers' first preseason game. Unfortunately, he was incredibly drunk. He has now sobered up to the point where he is somewhat able to manipulate a keyboard.

What follows is the beer-soaked pigskin wisdom of Obnoxious Packer Guy:

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This is Obnoxious Packer guy here on location at the end of Bob Slowik's driveway. I have been holding a vigil here for five days now to demand that Slowik, the former Packers defensive coordinator, meet with me and answer some questions. Slowik's one-year term as defensive coordinator was an absolute and unmitigated disaster. As a result, the Packers defense has worsened, and millions of our best and brightest - Packer fans across the country - are suffering.

My questions are simple, and Packer fans everywhere deserve to have them answered:

I want to know what the hell he did to piss off all-pro cornerback Mike McKenzie so bad, that he refused to play and demand to be traded.

I want to know why he thought it would be a good idea to frequently blitz two linebackers, both safeties, a cornerback and four or five guys off the bench on second down?

I want to know why, when he did blitz all those people, none of them ever made it to the cornerback.

Hang on a sec - there's some cars coming, so I need to lead a chant:

Slowik led
McKenzie fled!

Slowik led
McKenzie fled!

I would like Slowik to tell me how he fooled all those Packers defenders into thinking that his bizarre blitzing scheme was actually the next incarnation of the fabled "Steel Curtain". He had everybody so fooled that even Darren Sharper remarked during last season's training camp: "I dare any offensive team to throw the ball at our secondary now. I double-dare them. I quadruple-dare them to test us as a secondary."

Well, other teams did take Darren up on his dare. The carnage wasn't pretty.

Here come some bicyclists. Need to start another chant:

Hey hey Bob Slow-uk
How much does your defense suck?!

Why me? Why do I lead this crusade? Because I am a victim.

One game last season - I don't remember against whom - when the opposing team's offense lined up, it was clear that they were going to run a y rip 32 weak trap. The same play they'd run to great success 14 previous times that game -

What's that? What's a "y rip 32 weak trap" you ask?

That's a run play where the slot receiver goes in motion to the right, the left tackle chip-blocks his defensive end, and goes out to block the will linebacker. Meanwhile the right guard pulls and blindsides the defensive end that is coming free causing a big hole to open on the weakside through which the halfback may run.

I'll translate for Vikings fans: the quarterback hands the oblong brown thing to the guy lined up behind him, the large men in front of the quarterback do some neat blocking tricks and -

Oh, hell. Here's a picture.

Anyway, it was clear that the other team was going to run this play again. The announcers in the booth saw it. Little old ladies in nursing homes saw it. My son, still in utero, saw it. I saw it.

Bob Slowik didn't see it.

He blitzed the entire team over the strong side, yielding a touchdown.

I screamed and jumped up and down and generally threw a fit. My daughter was so scared, she started sobbing and made a pee pee in her pants.

Bob Slowik traumatized my daughter.

And now he must answer to me. And he must answer to all Packer fans who have preschoolers with soiled undergarments because of his ill-conceived blitz packages.

Oh, here come some pedestrians:

Offense, defense special teams
Bob Slowik runs crappy schemes!

So here I sit, beer in each hand, waiting for Slowik to come down from on high and comfort me. I am not holding my breath.

Someone told me the other day that he was "watching films". So, this jerk has time to watch movies, but he can't come down his driveway and comfort a heartbroken Packer fan? What a jerk.

Oh, sure: he may have been watching game or practice films for preparation in his new job as defensive backs coach for the Broncos. I don't buy it. When Slowik was in Green Bay, it was painfully obvious that he never watched any game films. Why would he start now?

I'm still waiting...

There's a rainbow off to the east - God's sign of hope. Perhaps the Big Guy is talking about the Pack's new DC, Jim Bates. Perhaps Packer Nation will be able to get on with its life.

Hope.

This has been Obnoxious Packer Guy, reporting live from Bob Slowik's driveway.

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