Thursday, September 08, 2005

Behind the Bile: A Behind the Scenes Look at the Making of Moron Mail

The KARnies are gathered in a spare meeting room, going over the day's prospects. All letters mentioned can be found here:

LearnedFoot: OK guys let's get this meeting started. Start pitching me some letters.

The Head of Alfredo Garcia: Alright, here's one: [reading] I'm disappointed in your desire that Chris Coleman and Randy Kelly advance from the upcoming St. Paul mayoral primary (Editorial, Sept. 7). Coleman looks progressive only in comparison with Kelly. In fact they are both centrist candidates with strong ties to and support of big business, as evidenced by the donors to their campaigns.

This idiot then goes on to extol the virtues of the Green Party candidate, ticking off all of that moonbat's commie proposals. So you've got the whole "centrist and right aren't mainstream; Cuba-like communism is!" angle going there.

LF: I like it...

Dementee: GIMME THAT LETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME WANNA EEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAT IT!!!!!!!! CHOMP CHOMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

V-Toed-Bill: Golly gee willikers Dementee. Take it easy.

LF: Well, I guess that one is out. What else have we got?

VTB: I've got one here that, in its own subtle way, calls the Strib's token conservative columnist a bigot. Gosh darnit that kind of thing really chaps my hide! Ooops. Sorry for the cuss word.

LF: Yeah you got that letter writer and about 50,000 lefty bloggers calling Kerston a bigot. Every day. Ad nauseum. Yawn. I need something fresh.

Obnoxious Packer Guy: Hey! How 'bout if I pound the crap out of Patrick Reusse?

LF: He's a sports columnist...

OPG: Yeah, but he's also a Viking fan! Ooooo I'd really like to fisk the crap outta him. Pass the beer please?

LF: Let's keep it on the op-ed page for now. Anyone else? There's gotta be something talking-pointy out there.

HOAG: I found this trifecta that really exhibits the lefty attitude that it is more important to be clever than it is to be right or advance the public discourse in any meaningful way; opting for slander and insult instead of enlightenment or truth; eschewing the -

LF: That's enough Head. You're coming dangerously close to a run-on sentence there. Just read me what you've got

HOAG: Right-o Foot. Here's the first:

[reading] President Bush's next photo op will be presenting FEMA Director Michael Brown with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Heh heh. So funny I forgot to laugh. Numero dos:

[reading] Having President Bush investigate responsibility for the feckless federal-level response to Hurricane Katrina is like having an egregiously drunk driver investigate responsibility for his drunkenness.

Whoa. That one's right off the stupidity charts. That guy's so dumb he didn't even see the obvious Ted Kennedy joke inherent in his own blather! Onward to number 3:

[reading] If the Bush administration had been as concerned about New Orleans' flood damage control as it is about White House media damage control, that poor city wouldn't be under water today.

Now aside from that one's idiocy, you've got the juicy added benefit that the name of the idiot who wrote this doozy happens to be identical to the name of a prominent MOBster. We could work it in to our "Nihilist is a Commie" running gag.

LF: Good, good. I'm liking this. Is there an Iron Maiden angle that we can work in?

HOAG: None that I can see.

LF: M'kay. I am inclined to go with -

VTB: STOP THE PRESSES!!! It's not a letter, but the craven stupidity inherent in one of the Strib's "Short Cuts" items seems to merit some kind of gosh darn response: [reading] : "By the time night falls on Sept. 11, Osama bin Laden will have been at large for 1,461 days. America vanquished world fascism in less time. We obtained Germany's surrender in 1,243 days and Japan's in 1,365. Even the third Punic War, in which Carthage was burned to the ground and emptied of citizens, lasted only around 1,100 days."

LF: BRILLIANT! Er, i mean, stupid. And the whole thing could be short and snarky. Wouldn't have to write too much. And the post title could be a variation on the whole Moron Mail (TM) brand, like "Moron Mail Short Cuts".

DEM: GIMME THAT!!!!! ME WANT TO EAAAAAAAAAAAAAT IT!!!!!!!!!

OPG: [smacking Dementee on his snout with a racing form] Down boy!

LF: Alright, we'll go with the Short Cuts item today. I'll take this one per usual. Does anyone have anything else before we adjourn?

OPG: Do you think we could install a beer tap in the break room?

LF: [Smacking OPG on his snout] I guess if nobody has anything else, we're done. Great meeting guys.

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