NOTE: The following is a transcript of a podcast that will be unavailable for download, since we don't know how to podcast.
DEMENTEE: HELLO AND WELCOME TO "NFL BREAKDOWN" FEATURING OBNOXIOUS PACKER GUY, AND HOST LEARNEDFOOT!!!!!!! ME ANNOUNCER, DEMENTEE!!!! NOW GET READY FOR A BREAKDOWN!!!!!! HERE FOOT!!!!!
LearnedFoot: This week, Obnoxious Packer Guy and I decided to go with a roundtable discussion format for our football post-mortem feature. OPG is here on my right, and on my left is or very special guest, Vikings head coach Mike Tice. Welcome, coach.
Mike Tice: *duh*
LF: Ok... Why don't you start us off with a recap of Sunday's action, OPG.
OPG: You got it Foot. Yesterday's results exhibited an exciting mix of the unpredictable and the comfortably consistent.
LF: How so? Do tell...
OPG: Well I think that everyone would agree that it was nice that an old stalwart like "Everybody Loves Raymond" would snag several Emmies, while I was delightfully surprised by Tony Shaloub's best actor win for his work in "Monk".
LF: Er, OPG? We're talking about football here. Nobody gives a flying shit about the Emmies.
OPG: What is this "football" you speak of?
LF: You're in denial, aren't you?
OPG: No I'm not.
LF: Okaaaaay. Coach Tice: your boys had a rough day yesterday. Care to comment?
TICE: Dyarrrrrrrr we got our butts kicked. These guys know what it's like to go through a butt kicking. When you get your butt kicked, you gotta drag yer butt out of the dirt, brush your butt off, and get your butt back into the game. Butt butt butt butt butt. (*)
OPG: Hey! That guy looks familiar!
LF: Is it coming back to you now?
OPG: Uh... I'm not sure...
LF: Would it help if I told you that Darren Sharper consistently blew coverages, got beat on deep posts, bit on pump fakes, displayed his famous suspect tackling ability, and got injured yesterday?
OPG: So basically, Sharper was being Sharper, without the interceptions?
OPG: Oh yeah. I think it's coming back to me now... That's especially funny given the comment made by a certain well-respected blogger following last week's debacles: [reading] "The only that cheered me up after watching the Vikes puke all over themselves yesterday was seeing the Packers score all of three points against the Motor City Kitties. By the way, how 'bout that Darren Sharper?"
LF: Heh ha ha - "how 'bout that Darren Sharper?" - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[the studio erupts into raucous laughter, joined momentarily by Tice, until he realizes what he's laughing at.]
TICE: Er... *duh*
OPG: Thanks Foot! I feel much better! Say, how'd you do with your picks this weekend?
LF: Two outta three. Not great, but certainly not "Nihilistic." Just good enough to take an early lead. I called the Jets and the Chiefs games right on. And really, I was only 14 points off on the Bills game. That's where my inability to study up on the games really hurt me. Apparently the starting quarterback for Buffalo was something called "JP Losman." Eh, it's all good. I have opened a lead over Flash, who I am guessing might have gotten some "help" from the Nihilist in Golf Pants.
OPG: Nice job. But I think most bettors overlooked the "Lock of the Week" from the Sponge: [reading] "The number of times Mr. Sponge yells at the TV during the Vikes's game vs the Bungles. The over under is +/- 5 times. "
I'll bet Sponge would still have gone over the number if it would have been the total number of times he tried to throw his cat through his television screen.
LF: Well, that about wraps it up for this edition of "Breakdown". See you next week!
(*) Based closely on an actual postgame statement by Tice.