Friday, September 16, 2005

You Can Pick the Winner, and You Can Pick Your Nose, but You Can't Pick the Winner's Nose

Welcome to the premiere edition of Foot v. Flash: the Quest for Gridiron Cred. Yes, there is cred on the line, but more importantly, there's beer in play. Lots and lots of beer.

Special thanks to our host, King Banaian, who will be moderating this smackfest over the next few months. As a token of my appreciation to the Esteemed Professor, I offer the following letter to the Strib, to do with what he will (emphasis mine):

Northwest Airlines' flight to bankruptcy comes as no surprise to many people. Northwest management will probably blame the high cost of fuel and labor among the reasons it had to seek the help of the courts.

What it won't tell you is that Northwest management is mostly to blame. For the last few years, in the wake of 9/11, as other major carriers attempted to increase fares, Northwest was always the holdout. This resulted in the other carriers rescinding the increases and keeping airfares artificially low, well below the level needed to just break even.

The fact of the matter is that Northwest's plan for survival was simply to outlast the other carriers. Unfortunately, when it became obvious that this plan would not work, it was already too late.

My condolences to the employees of Northwest Airlines. They are yet the latest group of American workers to suffer the consequences of bad management.

Bill Carrigan,
Hoffman Estates, Ill
.

Bill seems to be insinuating that NWA was engaging in a predatory pricing scheme. If that's what he's thinking, then he truly is a drooling moron. Basic Antitrust law provides -

DEMENTEE: WHY YOU FISKING LETTER THAT YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE LEAVING TO PROFESSOR???!!!!! PLEASE STOP ANTITRUST TALK AND PICK DAMN FOOTBALL GAMES!!!!!!!! YOU MAKING DEMENTEE VERY IMPATIENT!!!!!!!

Er, sorry.

I must admit that this early in the season, I am not really "up" on the quality of the teams yet. And despite the fact that I now get the NFL Network, I do have two children, hence I have been unable to do my homework. You could say that this week I have no idea what I am talking about; and you'd be right.

[smack]Fortunately for me, Flash frequently has no idea what he is talking about on a wide range of subjects. So if you were to make a bet on who of us will come out ahead this week, I'd call it a "pick 'em".[/smack]

Enough BS. Let's get busy. Italicized remarks are King's:

1. Kansas City (-1) @ Oakland. The Chiefs come off a blowout win against the Jets, while Oakland has had ten days to get ready for a divisional rival. I wanted to put this game up for Moss-talk from the contestants, but the added spice of Larry Johnson should make for great witticisms.

OK, I cannot be held responsible for this since King asked for it: It doesn't matter whether Priest Holmes or Larry Johnson gets more carries, the Chiefs will bitch-slap the Raidaz in Oaktown. The Raiders' defense will need a restraining order to keep the Chiefs out of the end zone (Please send your complaints to: Problems [at] scsuscholars [dot] com).

Jim Rome likes to call Al Davis "the Godfather". I'll go with that:

Leave the points. Take the canole Chiefs.

Miami @ NYJets (-6). Miami got a victory against the Broncos in Nick Saban's pro coaching debut. Gus Frerotte in charge of the offense, looked better than Daunte Culpepper. Foot will have fun with the news this "Matt Turk, I-R, pulled groin." Humor people, humor!

Actually, I prefer poop and booger jokes to those regarding the general crotchal area. If you've ever had a pulled groin, you know that there's nothing funny about it.

The skinny: the Jets are at home, they're pissed, Ricky Williams is still in his cabana firing up doobies, and Chad Pennington - not Gus Frerotte - is the best quarterback Randy Moss ever played with. I would poop a booger if the Jets didn't cover the spread.

Pick: Jets to cover

Buffalo @ Tampa Bay (-2.5). Just because it's a hard game. Tampa Bay comes off the win at Minnesota with apparently a newfound running back in Cadillac Williams (on my fantasy team, thank you!) The Bucs didn't score much against the Vikes and now play a much harder defense in Bills, who meanwhile are breaking in J.P. Losman at QB. I figure that this is the game Chris Hovan gets his start on another injury-filled season.

Tampa bay comes off a big win over the Vikings which seems to have made them the favorite at home. What bettors aren't taking into account is the fact that the Vikings suck.

The Bills have a defense. The Vikings don't. The Bills have a running game. The Vikings don't. The Bills have a QB with hands large enough to hang onto the ball. The Vikings don't. The Bills have a non-meathead head coach. The Vikings don't.

The Bills get 2 and a half points. The Bucs don't.

Pick: Bills

I can taste the beer already.

And finally for all you bettors at home, here's the line of the week:

V-Toed Bill Nihilist Wannabee finishing the "Gridiron Cred" logo that was to be included in this post: over/under 10 days.

UPDATE: Flash has posted his picks.

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