Thursday, October 27, 2005

FIBs in Rapture

The Chicago White Sox won the World Series last night, defeating the Houston Astros in a dramatic 1 to nothing game. The four game sweep of the Astros clinched the Sox's first world championship since 1917. Jubilant Chicagoans took to the streets in celebration.

Shortly after the final out, a violent earthquake rattled the Second City. A quarter-mile wide rent in the earth opened parallel to the Eisenhower Freeway. An unanticipated full moon emerged from behind the clouds, and shortly thereafter, it turned blood red.

The revelers were then shocked to see a phalanx of demons emerge from the fresh crevice in the earth as the righteous among them suddenly ascended into the heavens. Many watched in awe as the hell-spawn began their dastardly work.

Two fans near the Navy Pier who were wearing sandwich boards that read "The End is Nigh" were squashed under the gigantic six-toed foot of Bloorab the Obese. Gorlack the Destructor pulled the John Hancock Tower from its foundation and used it as a toothpick to extract the corpses that were stuck between its fangs.

Most Cub fans watched the events on television momentarily, then sniffed and returned to eating their Brie. None of them had time to react before they were all incinerated in the Bath of Fire that consumed the entire North Side, fed by the flames emanating from the anus of Thorgon the Confligrator.

The multi-phaliced Incubi of the Apocalypse rampaged through Flossmoor, Palatine and Skokie methodically raping all the women one by one. When they finished, they began on the men...

And the panicked hordes that ran the streets en masse fell victim to the toxic emanations of Nickoleman the Lecturer of Doom.

When all that remained were burned-out skyscrapers and smoldering corpses - and the few death-craving souls left alive - the Seventh Angel poured forth his bowl and said, "It is done."

The few survivors took a small solace in the distraction the End Times provided from the fact that they lived in Chicago. Until the the Four Horsemen came for them as well.

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