Thursday, October 20, 2005

KAR: Ever Probing the Boundaries of Innovative Blogging

I'm sure you've noticed a depressing lack of stuff to rip on this week. Even beating up Harriet Miers and the Vikings gets old after the 73rd post on those topics.

So as filler material, I am going to do something that no blogger has yet done - indeed this is a first in the history of the internet. Please comport yourselves with the appropriate reverence that is expected of those who are witnesses to history.

I am going to fisk a recipe.

SPINACH GRATIN

Mmmmm. Gratin. How can anything called "gratin" sound the least bit appetizing? Let alone "spinach gratin". That's like saying "pukey barf".

Serves 6 to 8.

If the smell of this crap doesn't drive them from your home first.

Based loosely on a recipe in "Mastering the Art of French Cooking," by Julia Child, et. al.

[sarcasm] Ohhhh. Julia Child. Well then this must be good.[/sarcasm]

When someone invokes the "appeal to authority" fallacy before even listing the ingredients, you know it's going to be a clunker.

* 2 oz. (about 1/4c.) slivered almonds

For your recommended daily allowance of cyanide.

* 1/4c. golden raisins

* 2 (10-oz.) pkg. frozen chopped spinach

I have the feeling, spinach notwithstanding, that Popeye wouldn't even eat this crap.

* 7 tbsp. butter, divided

Now we're talkin'! But why divide the butter? The butter should unite behind the spinach. You see, we live in two Americas...

* 1 medium onion, chopped
* 1 clove garlic, minced or pressed


You'll have to eat about 40 pounds of Tic-tacs after this meal.

* Salt and pepper to taste
* 5 tbsp. flour
* 1 (101/2-oz.) can condensed consomme'


"Consomme'"????? What the hell is "consomme'"???? Isn't that what newlyweds do after the wedding reception?

Whatever it is, it sounds French, and therefore should be ridiculed at every opportunity.

* 11/2c. (6 oz.) grated Swiss cheese, divided
* 1/4c. dry bread crumbs


Can I just eat the bread crumbs?

Directions

Toast the almonds in a large frying pan over medium-low heat, stirring frequently, until they begin to color and become fragrant, about 7 minutes.

I bet I'll be "fragrant" after eating this.

Remove from pan immediately and set aside to cool. Plump the raisins in a cup of hot water. Prepare the spinach according to package directions; drain very well.

I love that word: "plump". Plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump.

Heat 4 tablespoons of the butter in a Dutch oven over medium heat. Stir in the onions and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are translucent. Stir in the spinach, salt and pepper, increase the heat to medium-high and cook, stirring, 5 to 10 minutes, until moisture has almost evaporated and the spinach begins to stick to the pan.

Ah. The only thing more appetizing than spinach is dessicated spinach.

Reduce heat to medium, sprinkle in the flour and cook,

...because there's nothing better to enhance the flavor of goopy spinach than flour...

stirring constantly, 1 minute. Stir in the consomme'and cook, stirring and scraping the pan bottom occasionally, about 20 minutes until the mixture has some body and is no longer liquid. Remove from heat.

OK. Do you really want to eat something that is SCRAPED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN?????!!! And don't even get me started on the consomme'.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Butter a two-quart (7- by 11-inch or 9- by 9-inch) baking dish. Drain the plumped raisins

...plumped plumped plumped plumped plumped plumped plumped...

and stir into the spinach, along with the toasted almonds and half the cheese. Spread the mixture in the prepared pan. Mix the remaining cheese with the bread crumbs. Sprinkle this mixture over the spinach . Melt the remaining 3 tablespoons of butter and drizzle over all.

So now after all that work on the stove, we have to use the oven too?????!!!!! Jeezo beezo criminy! Make up your mind!

I can't go on, I'm so filled with rage.

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