Monday, October 17, 2005

KAR FAQ: Special Football Edition

Q: How about a Vikings parody song set to a David Bowie classic? -PMB, Minneapolis.

A: I gave it a try with Ziggy Stardust, but the song's so wierd I could only come up with 3 noncontiguous stanzas:

Zygi bought a team, jammin' good with QB Daunte,
Who was as big as some cars; though he had small hands,
But he can throw it far;
He was a special man, and now they were Zygi's band.

Zygi's team really sucked, screwed up "D" and screwed up offense
Like some team from Japan, but the Vikes were still smilin'
'Cuz they had a place to hang
And get so loaded, man, well hung with a party planned.

...

Zygi pined for Jersey, Not knowing what to do:
The kids were so crass; flew in some strippers
And grabbed them some ass
They took it all too far, the crew was up in arms.

If anybody can fill in the gaps or make this better (not a terribly hard task) I'd be interested in seeing it.

Q: What did you think of the Vikings' prospects for the rest of the year? -K. Banaian, St. Cloud.

A: This Vikings team is floundering. They are flopping around on the floor of the NFC North's basement like a stripper on a boat holding a - [EDITOR'S NOTE: the rest of this sentence has been deleted due to its incredibly excessive raunchiness].

Q: Off topic: I like the new design of your KAR FAQ feature. It's much easier to read. -A. Gyllenhaal, Minneapolis.

Thanks. You'll also note there was a refreshing lack of Nonmonkey this past week. If only some other big-ciy dailies would incorporate that change into their new designs.

Q: How did you do with you football picks this weekend? -A. Flash, St. Paul.

Ahem. Three for three again. Am I man? Or am I machine? It doesn't matter since I hear that Flash (again 0-3 this week) is taking out a second mortgage on his home to finance all the beer he is going to have to buy me. I'm thinking about -

Obnoxious Packer Guy Interrupts: Oh for the love of Pete, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP! All we ever hear about is what a great prognosticator you are. About how you have yet to pick less than 2 right for the week; about how you have correctly picked 13 correctly out of 15 games; and on and on and on.

You know what he does now, people? He makes the rest of us KARNies avert our eyes whenever wee pass him in the hall. If we enter the room he's in at the time, we have to do the "we're-not-worthy-worship-bow-down" thing. Foot's becoming a little tyrant. I, for one -

[LearnedFoot pimp-slaps OPG]

Go back to your hole and drink your beer!

OPG: Yes sir.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Since I am so good at this, I'm going to go even one better. I am going to predict the games that King is going to select on Wednesday for week 7:

Green Bay @ Vikings (no line yet) - He won't be able to resist.

San Diego @ Philly (-4) - King seems to have a thing for the Chargers.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinatti (no line yet) - Uber-critical game for Pittsburgh.

Enjoy those, because from now on, if you want to see my picks, you'll have to pay.

Oh, and call me "The Guru".

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