Friday, November 11, 2005

Are You There Pat? It's Me: God.

NOTE: Since His wifi is down, God asked me to pass this open message along. I guess that from now on, you'll have to refer to me as ProphetFoot.

Dear Pat Robertson:

Please shut up. I don't know where those voices in your head are coming from (well, actually, I do; but I can't tell you, because that would spoil all the fun of being human). But I can tell you this: it's not Me.

You see, Pat, when you say things like "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city," it makes Me very angry. You know why?

Because your being presumptuous of what I intend. Most of you label this the sin of "blasphemy". Which is fine and true enough. But I would also add that you are being a pompous, ignorant shitweasel twerp.

What? You're surprised that I would use a profanity? Hell, I do it all the time. I am God. I can do anything I want.

Shit crap bitch poop hell damn shit. Boobies!

Ha. I love to see you squirm like that.

Anyhoo, my people have a hard enough time dealing with a constant onslaught of insults and goobery stereotypes (as God, not only can I swear, but I can make up words too!), from people who don't believe in Me, or those who have a poor understanding of what "Faith" is, so they feel the need to demean others to make themselves feel more comfortable. Or less threatened. When come along and shoot off your mouth about what I would think about such a meaningless situation as what 15 minutes of a high school class in some small part of the world would be devoted to, you give them ammo that they can use to deride good people.

As a humorous aside, have you ever noticed that a lot of those so-called scientists who are so repelled to the idea of Intelligent Design, will take -without any sense of irony at all - a measly 130 years of meteorological data from a 4 billion year old planet and say that it conclusively proves human-driven "global climate change"? Talk about your blind faith!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Laugh with me now, Pat. I command it.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

OK, where was I? Oh yeah: you're a total goober. Please stop giving My believers a bad name. It seems that lately every time you open your pie hole you embarrass a large swath of good Christians. And you do so because you profess to be a minister of some sort.

How were you ordained? Through the mail? You're certainly not Catholic. You know: the Church My boy started? Perhaps you've heard of it. Or is the line in the New Testament where My Son says "upon this rock I build My Church" the only part of the Bible that you don't take literally?

Sorry, I was venting there.

Bottom line: I can take care of myself just fine, and I don't need you to profess what I may be thinking. So from now on, please engage your brain, before you engage your mouth. Or get off my side.

Warmest Regards,
God

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