Wednesday, November 16, 2005

FRAUD THROWS MOB MAYORAL ELECTION INTO TURMOIL!!!!

Taking a page from the Democratic Party of Wisconsin's playbook, compelling evidence has come to light that indicates lackeys of mayoral candidate MAWB Squad have been engaging in massive ballot box stuffing. There were a number of irregularities apparent during the primary stage of the election. Among them, on several occasions, an unexplainable surge of 5 to 6 votes were registered for the MAWBsters in a very short period of time whenever one of its challengers came close to, or surpassed them, in various stages of the election. Also, during one period, three votes were counted to the MAWB Squad while KAR's site meter indicated that there were only 2 visitors on the site at that time.

These irregularities were duly noted when they occurred, but they did not alone constitute sufficient evidence of fraud.

Which brings us to this comment thread - the smoking gun, if you will (please forgive the Eva-like cut-and-paste job):

I keep trying to vote often but they keep kicking me out. What is it worth for me to add 9 more names to my e-mail address?
Your neighbor to the north Saint Cloud
Posted by:
Stan November 13, 2005 at 09:32 AM

Dear Stan,
I am truly touched by your willingness to influence the election. For the public record, I must gently chastise you for attempted voter fraud. Of course, once MAWB Squad has won, there will be a cush job awaiting you along with other benefits (MOB vehicle, health club membership, MOB Visa card, etc.). MAWB could use a man like you, Stan.
Hope you weathered the storms last night. I'm not too far south of you in scenic Wright County.
Posted by:
St. Kate November 13, 2005 at 07:36 PM

I have found the secret, tell you more after the election. Bahahahahaha.
Posted by:
stan November 14, 2005 at 09:15 AM

There you have it. Conclusive evidence that the MAWB Broads have participated in a conspiracy to rig an election. What the hell do they think this is? Milwaukee?

There also have been reports that the tires on Sisyphus' car were slashed. No connection to the MAWB Squad can be made at this time, and an investigation is underway.

Given that the legitimacy of elections is a pet issue of mine, the following remedies will be applied:

1) The MAWB Squad is disqualified from this election, and is replaced on the ballot by the next highest vote-getter (which would be Bogus Doug).

2) This "Stan" guy - whoever he is - gets the death penalty. Or at least the blog equivalent of the death penalty, when we figure out what that is.

The new runoff between Dementee and Bogus Doug will end on Monday. Please guys: try not to drag this election any farther into the sewer than those chicks did.

I direct this final comment at the Broads themselves:

How in the hell do you expect to take over the world if you can't even get away with rigging a satirical election? You really need to go back to dictator school. Or find yourselves more competent bootlicks.

***

In the interests of an informed electorate, I offer this short debate between the candidates.

DEMENTEE: RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

DOUG: Back off dude, or I shall spill a martini on you.

*End of debate*

Here is Bogus Doug's fact sheet:

Candidate essay: I like wine!

Endorsements: Rew, Howard Dean, Nick Coleman, the American Communist Party, Socialist Alternative, Code Pink, and NAMBLA.

Game on gentlemen. May the best candidate with a penis win.

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