Monday, November 28, 2005

Intestinal Turpitude

WARNING: The following post is disgusting.

Following two separate Thanksgiving feasts, I have come to realize that my body no longer processes turkey as well as it used to. How do I know? The farts.

Oh these are no ordinary farts. These post-turkey farts are some of the vilest, loudest and most powerful emanations that have ever emerged from my butt. While the the aroma is sickening, and the noise was impressive (think foghorn), the most notable characteristic of these turkey byproducts was the sheer volume of gas per fart (VPF). The price of natural gas actually dropped like a rock over the weekend pursuant to replenished, easily accessible supplies coming out of my butt. In bed with Mrs. Foot last night, her threats escalated quickly from banishing me to the couch, to divorce, to death.

They were B*A*D.

Have you ever farted when you were sleeping, and it was so loud you woke yourself up? That's nothing. I had one of those last night. Except it wasn't the sound that woke me up. What did wake me was the impact when a fart actually propelled me out of my bed and into a nearby wall.

And don't even get me started on the pooping.

Even though the gastric tribulations subsided sometime last night, I can still smell the pungent, sickening aroma.

Oh wait. That smell isn't my gas. It's a letter that came out of someone else's sphincter:

I'm so glad the Vatican has clarified this for us. Gays and lesbians actually have the ability to suddenly become straight just by thinking that they are -- over a period of time, of course.

I guess that means if I should become pregnant and suddenly feel like I don't want to be ... I won't be! Wow! What a concept!

D!ANE BEEFER, FARIBAULT, MINN.

Whooooweeeee! That's a ripe one! And it's been sitting around since yesterday.

The overwhelming stench [*cough*] prevents a full fisking [*cough*] (and frankly the inherent abortion snark she opens herself to is both too easy and too tragic), so let's just take a look at the article that Ms. Beefer refers to:

Reiterating its stand against sexually active gays in the priesthood, the Vatican also says in a new document that men with "transitory'' homosexuality must have overcome their sexual tendencies for at least three years before entering the clergy.

Let's do a quick remedial reading lesson here, before I have to run off to the john.

Note the juxtaposition of the first two sentences there. First, it tells us the Vatican reiterates its stand against sexually active gay priests; which is not really earthshattering news, since it also prohibits sexually active heterosexual priests - y'know: that vow of celibacy they all must take. It then goes on to tell us that the Vatican will allow something called "transitory" gays in after 3 years of non-gayness.

It doesn't say "all gay men."

Just "transitory" ones.

It never said anything about all gay people overcoming their gayitude.

And it was only in regard to qualifications for priesthood - not something that Beefer probably wouldn't give a turkey fart about anyway. Unless, of course, it touches on one of her pet causes.

About which, thankfully, the Vatican doesn't give a flying turkey fart.

But Ms. Beefer has to ignore that tiny little fact because she had an oh-so-clever little snark that the Strib (and unfortunately, us) just had to hear about. Not to mention that she is guilty of the same sin that she accuses the church of: she implicitly denies the possibility that there may be some gay folks that could go straight, while accusing the Church of holding that the possibility extends to all gays.

I think she's wrong. I used to hate buffalo wings. Now, I practically subsist on them. But there will always be people who despise that tangy-hot buffaloey goodness, and there are those who will always love it. And there are some who will pass through that revolving door in and out of buffalo bliss in their lifetimes.

Uf da. Just thinking about buffalo wings makes my need to poop even more urgent.

Gotta run!

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