Friday, December 09, 2005

Blogging Excellence Isn't About Excellent Blogging; It's About Creating the Illusion of Competence

Or so some would have you believe. (Gold star to whomever gets the reference in the title.)

Via Surly, I stumbled into someone's idea of the 7 Deadly Sins of blogging. My reaction?

Pfffft.

Of course the first "deadly" sin listed is:

1. Using Free Blog Hosting Services

Pffft. Pfffft. Pffft.

The only thing better than a hobby is a free hobby. I'm sorry, and I mean no offense by this to the many of you who actually pay money - that is almost always better spent on beer - for something you can get for free.

It's a stupid *hobby*.

And don't give me all that crap about blogger.com being a "ghetto" and that you can do so much more with a pay host, etc. The only thing that really matters IS THE PART THAT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PAGE - you know, the section of the blog where all the words are written (hint: on KAR it's the big beige part.)

Cool header art doesn't hurt either, but, as you can see, us ghetto dwellers really don't have a problem doing it.

Oh sure, there was an outage last week here in the ghetto, which provided Doug much glee. Aw shucks, KAR only got 230 visits that day instead of 250. That HAD to be a hit to our revenue. Let me double-check KAR's books and see:

Annual Revenue: $0

Annual expenditures: $0

Paid in capital: $0
======
Balance: $0

Oh, I guess that lost traffic didn't hurt so much after all.

And I'll bet that balance sheet looks a lot better than those of bloggers who actually have to pay somebody money so that they can rant about tomatoes.

Pffft.

Here are the real 7 9 deadly sins of blogging:

1) Starting memes.

Nobody cares about how big of a goober you were in high school. There's a special place in hell for people who start these.

2) Sucking.

Have something interesting to say and say it in a comprehensible way. It's much more important than subject-verb agreement.

3) Being a jerk.

Anybody remember our little buddy Kevin, the guy with a million dollar vocabulary and a ten-cent head? Where did he go anyway?

4) Sucking.

Nobody gives a flying crap about the consistency of your frigging cat's hairballs.

5) Pissing me off.

Facile insults painted with a broad brush will do it everytime. Remaining willfully ignorant to preserve your petty little caricature of your political opponents will also do the trick.

6) Sucking.

Blogging isn't a contest to see how many of your party's latest talking points you can belch out in a single post. This is the opposite of what your blog should be: entertaining and/or illuminating. Really - doing this shows a stunning lack of independent thought.

7) Sucking.

Yowling on your blog about how some wingnut's joke made you yawn or how some other wingnut is profiting off the war by buying a large block of Halliburton stock, makes it obvious that you don't know what you are talking about and that little caricature in your head (or maybe it's voices) causes you to jump hard at the conclusion that you think makes you look superior and intelligent. Wrong on both counts.

8.) Traffic whoring.

If you are on the Alliance of Free Blogs blogroll, you automatically lose 5 respect points.

9.) Sucking.

If you have no sense of humor, don't try to be funny. You'll embarrass yourself. Leave it to the pros. If you don't know anything about antitrust law, don't write a mile-long post about it (unless it's about how little you know about antitrust law). Write what comes naturally, and you won't suck.

Unless you are writing about tomatoes or cat hairballs.

UPDATE: It's entirely possible that there are some bloggers out there that I have not yet completely alienated. To that end, I just thought of two more sins, and have added them accordingly.

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