Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Code Pink Guide to Sucking All of the Fun Out of Christmas While Making a Fool Out of Yourself and Embarrassing Your Children in the Process

Somehow, this made me hope that Ralphie grew up, traded in his Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle for a bazooka, and is currently stalking the Afghani countryside picking off bomb-wielding nutjobs:

Every holiday season manufactures prey on our children with pro-war propaganda disguised as innocent toys. Don't let your child be a victim of G.I. Joe! As you're out buying holiday gifts, make a point this year to show little ones that war is not game. Set an example for the children in your life and use the opportunity to teach them non-violence.

"Don't let your child be a victim of GI Joe." Heh. I believe they're thinking of Chucky here. And let's all remember that Chucky started out as a cute, nonviolent pacifist doll.

Boys like action. Period. There are two outlets for the action oriented young male: sports or toys that feature a combative theme. If you run it through a basic chicken / egg analysis it's clear that "violent" toys exist because boys are aggressive. "Violent" toys do not make "violent" people. Just for the edification of you Pinkies out there who never saw that Time Magazine article that declared the earth-shattering discovery that males and females are different, I can clue y'all in. I was blessed with one child of each gender, and have been able to discern certain patterns of behavior in their play:

THE GIRL: Despite a strong early influence from Dad where she briefly dabbled in basketballs and dinosaurs, her toy time tends to exclusively involve dolls, play tea sets and dressing up like one of the Disney Princesses.

THE BOY: His toy time exclusively involves trying to destroy things. And "toy' is defined as "anything".

Personally, as a parent I would much rather The Boy obliterate an ersatz Evil Guy Headquarters Fortress by the proxy of GI Joe's Kung Fu grip than the DVD player with the contents of his sippy cup. I think he would too.

Oh, but pity the poor children of Pinkies. This year for Christmas, little Billy or Joey will be getting a) screwed on the gift haul and b) a parent acting like a tool in public. Code Pink's suggestions for Holiday Celebration:

Dress up in awesome pink camouflage gear or wear a fun holiday costume like an elf and stand outside stores that sell war toys with anti-war toy banners reminding gift buyers to shop responsibly. Hand out flyers to shoppers about why they shouldn't buy them and give them suggestions for alternative gifts they can purchase for the little ones in their lives.

Little Billy will be so proud of mommy. "Hey, Mom? Can you make me look like an even bigger dork? Is that possible? I don't know you. Get away from me before somebody sees us together."

Get a bunch of friends to go with you to each buy a war toy, and then go back to the store later to return them. Create long complaint lines, showing other customers (and hopefully you've called the media) why war toys are bad. Talk directly to store owners and managers and ask them to stop selling war toys. Tell them you and your friends are considering no longer shopping at the store if war toys continue to be sold. Make buttons that say, "Say No to War Toys" or "War is Not a Game" and offer them to the employees.

I can picture that phone call to the media:

MOONBAT: Hello? WCCO news? Yes, I have a news tip... Well, today at noon, three of us Code Pinkers will be returning toys to the local Target and generally making a spectacle of ourselves...Yes, I do know that lots of people act like fools when they return Christmas gifts, but you see, these are war toys...Hello?... Hello???

Actually, I hope they try this. Maybe they'll find out that people trapped in long lines being held up by belligerant attention-whoring assholes aren't so much willing to hear self-righteous preaching as they are disposed to violence.

And don't forget about publicly performing Code Pink's unintentionally hillarious Christmas Carols in public to ensure that the humiliation of your child is cheery and complete. "John Ashcroft is Coming to Town" is my favorite. It indicates that these lickknobs have been too busy sewing pink cammies to notice that he's not the AG anymore.

As with the suggested antics, the gift "ideas" are a hoot also:

Ask your child's teachers to talk about the negative impact of war toys and start a campaign to ban war toys on the school playground. Suggest a toy exchange for the school, where children turn in their war toys and get some cool, peaceful toy like a hot pink Frisbee. Make it a class project and involve the children in setting it up.

I guaran-damn-tee you, that within 5 minutes of receiving those pink frisbees, those good little peaceful boys will be winging them hard at the heads of other good little peaceful boys and girls. Or setting them on fire.

Rather than buying a gift for someone you love, make a beautiful coupon and give them a gift of your time...

"Wow! A coupon! Thanks mom. Did you keep the receipt? Can I exchange this for a coupon that entitles me to be left alone by you? No? How about some socks?"

MAKE SOMETHING. Have you ever wished you had more time to... draw, sew, paint, knit? If you can take some time, treat yourself to a local crafts course to learn to throw pots, knit scarves or make other personal items that you can give to people you love!

"Hey, thanks for the groovy oven mitt with two thumbs! In three years, when I'm 10 and able to use the oven, I can wear it."

BUY LOCALLY. Find out about local merchants in your area to support, but go the extra step of finding out about the goods they carry and where they come from. DonĂ‚’t shop at Wal-Mart!
Given the source, I'm going to interpret this one to mean: "Shop at Wal Mart."

BUY ETHICALLY. Globalize fair trade. If you don't live in a hotbed of local merchants who give back to the community, you can still gift consciously.

"Globalize fair trade." Does anybody know what that means? Does Code Pink know what that means? No. It's a made up lefty-jargon phrase that in reality means "don't buy anything made by an American corporation other than Ben and Jerry's".


Yeah, that'll be a hit.

Do you really need anything else?


Why not exchange absolutely no presents at all!

Because it's a stupid idea, the kids won't go for it, everybody else who is not on the same moonbat planet as you will take it as a slight, and it generally sucks the fun out of the tradition.

People may be put off for a moment at first, and you can see why.


In the season of conspicuous consumption,

Actually, for those of us with a more stable disposition, it's the season of giving. But there's certainly nothing wrong with consumption. Your welfare checks need to be funded somehow. Otherwise, you'd have no time to stand in gift return lines making an ass of yourself while wearing pink camouflage and singing stupid parody Christmas Carols that don't hold a candle to a truly well done parody song, because you'd have to be working.

asking for less, rather than more, is a radical act.

And a radical act is an easy thing for a radical to do...

They'll understand when you show them this statement.

If they're a flaming moonbat, they will. If they're members of the non-brain-dead community, probably not so much.

For children, buy gifts that reflect your values--not violent gifts or violence-oriented video games.

What if violent toys and video games do reflect my values? I mean does anybody really want to see Skelator control Castle Greyskull and all of Planet Eternia. He needs to be subdued somehow! And just because your character sometimes gets low on hit points doesn't mean that the merry band of Final Fantasy adventurers led by Maria and Frioniel should ever stop battling the forces of evil that wish to enslave the citizens in the Paramekian Empire. Are you telling me that the war against the Paramekian Empire is a quagmire???!!!

And sit down with your children to explain to them why the planet needs people to stop buying things that use up the planet's rapidly decreasing resources.

This one just gets a *sigh*.

I can see little Billy's letter to Santa now:

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is adoption papers.

I've been good. Really good: I haven't killed my moonbat mother yet.


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