Friday, December 16, 2005

The Designated Fisker's Designated Fisker

King Baaanaisainndaaianfnaian turned on the Dementee Signal yesterday. Dementee was nowhere to be found. So it is up to me to put forth the fisking that this steaming pile of yak poop so richly deserves.

A word of warning: duct tape your head.


Pay attention, communist liberal slime

Any tolerance for gay people, even if it's listening to Elton John, is perverted.
By Mat Koehler
.

You can tell right away the level of intelligence we're dealing with here. He can't even spell his own first name correctly.

If you've ever had an impromptu chat with an extreme right-wing conservative nut, you probably escaped the conversation before you got a sense of the rationale. Luckily, I've decided to devote this week's column to explaining the radical conservative mind-set in a way we can all understand (and emulate).

I've actually talked to JB Doubtless on a couple of occasions. It was always about bourbon. Not really a whole lot of room for "rationale" when you're talking about bourbon.

And I like the clinical anthropological tone Mat sets here. "I spent a year living amongst the Wingnut in their own habitat. What follows is what I have learned about these exotic yet barbaric creatures..." It creates the illusion that he actually has something intelligent to say. He explodes that illusion in short order:

First of all, the Daily and all its readers are no-good communist bastards.

I read the Doily (that's what we called it) every day when I attended the U. Therefore, I am a no-good communist bastard. Unless Mat is taking a single conversation that he had with one (probably drunk) conservative on campus when he (Mat, not the drunk conservative) dared to poke his head out of the Women's Studies department offices, and stretching it to characterize an entire, large group of people.

And I say "large" cognizant of the fact that he is purporting to describe only the "extreme right-wing conservative nut." It's a good bet that his view of the ERWCN is anybody to the right of Che.

Otherwise, what possible threat could an extremely small insular ideological minority pose to merit printing a breathless screed about them?

Yes, this means you.

Like I said...

College campuses are so overrun with liberal students because there are stupid, anti-American professors teaching classes and because the Daily propagates leftist lies to people who don't know any better than to accept them.

No, college campuses are overrun by liberal students because there are a lot of kids who are long on an overestimate of their own intelligence and short on any meaningful life experience (e.g. paying taxes, raising children etc.). And the only people who buy the crap that the Doily pedals on its op-ed page are already in the choir.

Being one whom Mat would characterize as a "Wingnut," he sure isn't painting a very accurate picture, er, caricature of me, is he?

So what should you believe? The truths presented by the right wing, obviously. The core idea is that every day America is becoming more and more corrupt with things called "opinions." These untrue viewpoints threaten the freedoms our forefathers promised, like the right to own assault weapons and the right to deport gays, immigrants and liberals from our borders. Without these entitlements, the United States will endure a quick moral decline, and our kids will be destroyed by God himself.

Never heard anyone talk seriously about the desire to deport gays, liberals or legal immigrants. I have heard gays and liberals talk seriously about fleeing the country because of the results of an election though...

And let's briefly explore that "freedoms and rights" snark.

Let's talk about those campus assaults on the First Amendment otherwise known as "Hate Speech Codes". Remember those? Obviously speech codes are a right-wing nutjob assault on our freedoms and rights...

Oh wait. Those are policies promulgated by liberals, aren't they?

But this is just one small fact in the vast knowledge base of the far right.

Oh that was a "fact" huh?

Another thing you must know is that over time, opinions get more dangerous.

And they must be squelched! How about a speech code?

And I bet Mat condemned those students who stole all the student newspapers at Georgetown (or was it Columbia?) because it printed a paid advertisement from David Horowitz? Weren't they squelching "dangerous" opinions?

Oh, in that case it's acceptable.

Take the sicko, leftist theory of evolution, for example. That commie hell-demon we call Charles Darwin actually believes science can explain why there are many different types of animals. Clearly, everything happens because of spontaneous generation and God's will. Scientist mumbo-jumbo is Satan's attempt to negate God's creation, and, as you can tell, this has put our nation in a grave state.

*sigh*

If these people's opposition to teaching Intelligent Design wasn't merely a thin pretense to mask their antipathy for evangelical Christians, perhaps the rhetoric wouldn't get so overheated (nota bene moonbats: I personally am against teaching ID in the public schools. But I also don't think that it's a big enough deal to match the overwrought rhetoric from both sides in general, but from one side in particular.)

Well, this and feminism. Chicks were denied the right to vote for more than 130 years in the United States, and then, of course, when suffrage came about, the evil anti-American "Democrat" party was created.

Huh?

The consensus among the extreme right is that women were designed for homemaking.

"Consensus"?

Heck, even super-conservative Ann Coulter should shut her yapper - she's on the right track, but she should get a husband to talk for her.

Huh?

Dude, who was this guy you were having a conversation with?

No, don't answer that. I'll answer it for you:

His name was Figment of Your Brain-Damaged Imagination.

One of the most important tenets of true conservatism is the notion that anyone with even a hint of a liberal belief is a total Marxist pig.

No. Unless that hint includes the belief that the top marginal tax rate should be 75%, and that the federal government should either control or regulate virtually every industry or aspect of a business.

Now go look up "Marxist" on Wikipedia, and see how close I am.

If you're against Wal-Mart, for instance, you're against capitalism, and if you're against capitalism, you must be a communist. It's that simple. If you stray from the right edge, you fall in hellfire.

No. If you're against Wal Mart, you're against JB Doubtless.

And if you're against capitalism, what else would you be? A socialist? Some famous dead guy once said that "communism is merely socialism in a hurry."

Perhaps if you opposed capitalism and communism, you could be a proponent of the barter system, or a hunter-gatherer economy.

How progressive!

Also, if you have any tolerance for gay people - even if it's just for Elton John - you are a pervert. Even though homosexuality is demonstrated in most animal species on Earth, it is a conscious decision created by liberals and imposed on our children.

I know a lot of conservatives who like Elton John. Just not JB Doubtless.

Eating one's own shit is also demonstrated in many species on earth. And just because other species engage in rump ranging doesn't make it any less ookey for some of us to imagine two guys kissing or befuddlement at some people's desire to stick their dicks into another man's furry butt.

It's just the natural reaction, you might say. We can't help who we are.

And what part of "I could care less what you do in your bedroom, just don't be a jerk" don't you understand?

Certainly not the "don't be a jerk" part.

Radical conservatism makes perfect sense. If you disagree, you just don't understand, so grow some balls, buy a truck, carry a gun and read this again. Then maybe you'll see.

Wow what a limp-wristed, effeminate, lisping homo!

I'm sorry. That was intolerant and perpetuating a stereotype. I'll try to be more like "Mat" in the future.

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