Monday, December 19, 2005

It Was a Gay Old Time

The latest MOB Gala can be summarized in two words:

"Assless chaps."

I understand that this might not make any sense to those of you how did not inhabit the same bizarre alternate universe as Atomizer and I did sometime after we had each finished off our fourth beers. I think the whole assless chaps thing began with the Nihilist in Golf Pants' endless fulminating about the new gay cowboy film Brokeback Mountain. An offshoot of the conversation turned to the hypothetical question: what do gay cowboys wear? We easily reached the obvious answer:

Assless chaps.

Chad the Elder pointed out that since chaps only cover the front part of the body, all chaps are by definition assless. Atomizer and I defered to Elder's obviously superior knowledge of gay cowboy-wear, but we decided to stick with the redundant "assless chaps" term because it sounded funnier.

And so with that term imbedded firmly in the front of our minds, everything that we encountered afterward came back to assless chaps.

While I was sitting at a table with the short-term memory-impaired King Banaiididkaanaianaian, he posed the uber-cogent question: "Are smoking bans a regulatory taking." Having some knowledge in this field, I replied: "no".

King looked at me as though I had just walked into the room from my native home Pluto, and asked"And you are..."

"LearnedFoot. Perhaps you've heard of me. I have a blog."

King, shook his head looking puzzled and said, "Enh?"

"You moderated the Flash v. Foot Football Picking Contest. Remember?" I pressed.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you," He obviously had given up trying to place the name. "So, anyway, maybe we should ask a lawyer about that smoking ban question. Is Hinderaker here?"

"Ahem," I was getting annoyed, "I am a lawyer."

King looked at me quizically, paused for a long moment, and then asked "And who are you?"

I ignored him, and proceeded to cobble together my memory of the law of so-called regulatory takings. This far out of law school I was left with basically the bar exam version of the law, which was adequate enough to attempt to explain it to him.

I told King that, generally, a regulation would only constitute a taking if it deprived the property owner of all economic use of the land. Therefore, in a hypothetical situation where a government body outlawed the sale of assless chaps in a certain geographical area, a store that dealt exclusively in the retail of assless chaps would probably have a good takings case against that government body, since the only business that was being carried on in that retail store would now be illegal.

On the other hand, if the government passed a law that merely restricted the wearing of assless chaps in public, the owner of the assless chaps shoppe would not be deprived of the same level of economic value because although his customer base may shrink a good deal, he may still freely pedal his wares.

King digested what I had said for a moment and then said, "Hi. I'm King. Are you a blogger?"

Other notables from the evening:

* Atomizer came very close to beating up a homeless guy. I'll let him tell you about it, if he so chooses.

* The Whitest Person on the Planet took lots of pictures. Go there and keep scrolling.

* I talked at length with the MOB's newly corronated mayor. Among other things, we discussed whether or not he should impose a dress code for these MOB parties, and if so, should assless chaps be allowed.

* I met the latest MOBster to put a hurting on the MSM. On a couple occasions, I asked him to watch my beer while I went off on one misadventure or another. Let's just say that he's a better media watchdog than he is a beer watchdog.

* Swiftee and Mrs. Swiftee were there. Swiftee was sporting a cowboy hat. He warned me that if I made an "assless chaps" crack about him that he would kill me. So I'll just leave it at that.

* Chief offered me one of his outstanding MOB t-shirts at a deep discount in exchange for putting his site on our "Rainbow of Flavaz" blogroll. I never realized that this was such a coveted honor. Also, if he would have waited for another several months, I might have gotten around to putting him on the ROF anyway. It just goes to show that I can be bought.

As far as I know, Chief did not offer any MOB-imprinted assless chaps for sale.

* Flash made good on his debt to me following the hurting I put on him in the Foot v. Flash Football challenge (see my sidebar for final score). The tourney's not until March, but Flash and I need to start thinking about the format and prize for our NCAA smackfest. I'm thinking a full bracket type of deal, with the loser paying the winner a pair of assless chaps or a case of beer. Your thoughts Flash?

* I also talked to the following people, none of whom were wearing assless chaps:

Triple A

Homeboy Steve Gigl and MLW (HLW?).

Kevin Ecker (We had a 45-minute conversation about how close we lived to each other.)

Cake Eater Chick (Actually, I didn't talk to her, but she did grab the ball on my Santa hat, so she gets mentioned.)

Douglas Bass

The Night Writer and Family.

Surly Dave

Guy Collins from the aformentioned Freedom Dogs

David Strom who not only told me that the Channel 5 At Issue debates are taped on Thursdays, but also hinted at what pants host Tom Hauser wears when he's behind the anchor's desk - if you know what I mean...

Da Psychmeister

Mitch Berg (Who held court in the back corner of the bar with his date. Curious. He was a popular attraction, though: at one point in the evening, the line of people waiting to talk to him snaked to the opposite end of the room. How rediculous!)

And, as always, the chapless Fishsticks.

If I forgot you, please remember that I was drinking beer.

* Finally, I am sure many are aware of The Incident. I will not recount it here. Suffice it to say that everyone who witnessed it were very grateful that none of the parties to The Incident were wearing assless chaps.

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