Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Moron Mail

I'm feeling lazy, so I picked an easy one:

Jacob Matthew Torguson suggested in his Nov. 30 letter, "Commandment covers abortion," that abortion should be included under "Thou shall not kill."

I think he is on to something there. Perhaps we could also include capital punishment and war. After all, that is killing. But how could the thinking, reasoning mind possibly do that, since killing is the way we human beings solve our problems?

Have a problem with a habitual criminal? Kill him or her. Have a problem with a country, a culture? Kill enough people until they are willing to see it our way. Overpopulated by deer? Kill them.

What if we decided to use our thinking, reasoning minds, along with compassion, understanding and patience, to find another way to solve our problems? Agreed, that would be difficult, but it is possible to resolve all of the world's problems without killing. Imagine, no more killing Â… imagine.

J0Y T1$CHL3R, Shoreview.

I am confident that the overlapping layers of stupidity in this letter are obvious to all. In fact, I am so confident of the patent vapidity of Joy's simplistic little poopfest here that I am not even going to give it a proper fisking. Instead, I am going to waste your time and mine by rating the collected works of the Stone Temple Pilots.

From best to worst:

1. Purple. This is the essential STP disc, and I don't think anybody would argue that. One could make a case for "Unglued" being the best hard rock song of all time. As an added bonus the first song on the album is called "Meat Plow".

2. Tiny Music...Songs From the Vatican Gift Shop. This one might spark some argument. But despite the fact that "Lady Picture Show" got heavy play on Cities 97 when it first came out (for those from out of town, local FM station Cities 97 is to rock and roll what a sausage factory is to a pig) this album is solid from top to bottom, and shows a slight departure from the heavily crunchy power rock from STP's first two albums.

3. Shangri La Dee Da. STP's most underrated effort. On the same album the boys pound on Courtney Love and have a song called "Bi-polar Bear". Great disc.

4. No. 4. The final two will definitely cause some controversy. No. 4 is an angry, often dark disc. You can tell that Scott Weiland's revolving door rehab experiences are getting to him. However, amidst the personal hell into which Scott Weiland drags us are two genuinely exceptional songs: "Sour Girl" and the uplifting "Glide". The only track that you've probably heard off this disc is "MC5," Which is too bad, since it's not even one of the better tracks on this CD, let alone in their body of work.

5. Core. STP's debut album is raw and gritty and not very melodic. And save for STP's biggest hit "Plush" and the excellent "Sin" it lacks any of the great hooks of their more complex later efforts. This is the album that, at the time it was released, caused some music snots to label STP as Pearl Jam clones because of Weiland's Eddie Vedder-like husky baritone. The ensuing years revealed the stupidity of this observation: where Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam discovered their inner female and went on to make some very bad pussy-like albums, Scott Weiland discovered his inner drug addict and proceeded to make one kick ass album after another. Until his habit destroyed the band.

And there you have it. Joy from Shoreview is a moron.

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