Monday, December 12, 2005

Supertramp Can Teach Us a Lot About Nonmonkey's Torture Policy

The questions run too deep
For such a simple man. - Supertramp

LOGIC: Hey man. Do you know a lawyer?

LEARNEDFOOT: Yeah. Why?

LOGIC: I want to sue Nonmonkey and press charges in the International Criminal Court.

LF: Yow! What did he do to you?

LOGIC: He tortured me.

LF: Tortured you???!!!

LOGIC: Yeah. Tortured me.

LF: Wow. How did he torture you?

LOGIC: Well, this is the rhetorical equivalent of the thumbscrews:

The ["inflammatory" report released by Governor Pawlenty on the costs of illegal immigrants "undocumented aliens" on Minnesota's economy] attributes 85 percent of the cost of "illegal immigrants" to educating their children. Irresponsibly, however, it lumps 11,000 children born on U.S. soil -- who thus are American citizens -- with 7,000 children who are undocumented aliens. So most of the education cost (60 percent) is spent on U.S. citizens! As for the rest, the Supreme Court ruled in 1982 that all children are entitled to a public education, regardless of their immigration status.

LF: Oh man. That sounds stunningly painful! The report he mentions is about the costs caused by illegal immigration. Then he says that the children born to illegal immigrants in America don't count because they're US citizens. THEN he tries to obfuscate this by mentioning an irrelevant fact about the Supreme Court. That had to hurt.

LOGIC: Yes. A lot. Whether or not the kids were born here or not, their parents were still illegals, and hence the education of said kids can be fairly attributed to illegal immigration. To wit: the state would not have incurred those costs if not for illegal immigrants.

LF: Cruel!

LOGIC: That's not all.

LF: Oh no?

LOGIC: No. He then stretched me out on the rack. You know how he always writes about how poverty rates are increasing and the US economy is in the toilet?

LF: Why yes. Here is one example. Though, I note that it's been expunged from the Strib's archives.

LOGIC: That's what I'm talking about. Well, read that, and then read this - a quote he uses to support his, er, whatever it is:

"Illegal" immigration is an inevitable product of a growing economy and tightening immigration laws, says Donna R. Gabaccia, director of the Immigration History Research Center at the University of Minnesota. "When there's a prosperous local economy," she says, "it attracts immigrants."

LF: THERE IS NO SOCIAL SECURITY CRISIS!!!!

LOGIC: Heh heh. Good one.

LF: Thanks. Well it certainly looks like he treated you rather harshly.

LOGIC: Straight up, Foot. But there was more.

LF: More?!

LOGIC: He dragged out the *gulp* iron maiden.

LF: Iron Maiden? Sweet!

LOGIC: Not that Iron Maiden you doofus. The bad kind.

LF: Oh.

LOGIC: And that joke has already been done in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

LF: Sorry. Tell me about the iron maiden.

LOGIC: I - I can't. It was too awful. But if you really must know all the hideous details, you can read about that ordeal here, from the man who liberated me.

LF: I gotta say, that's not so much torturing you as it is so much petard hoisting.

LOGIC: We're talking about Nonmonkey here - don't you mean retard hoisting?

LF: Ha ha haha hahahahahahahahahahaha! Nice!

LOGIC: I managed to maintain my sense of humor through all this. In any event, intellectual dishonesty harms me too. It's an emotional rather than a physical abuse; but it hurts nonetheless.

LF: True dat, yo.

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