Thursday, March 31, 2005

A Clarification for KAR Readers

So as not to give the readers of this fine blog the wrong impression, I must let each of you know that I am not a smoker.

I don't smoke. I haven't touched on in almost 12 years. I haven't had a cigar in almost 6 years.

I hate smoky bars. I hate the way the smoke makes my clothes smell. I kinda like the sexy voice I have the morning after, but that is short lived so and I hate that part, too.

My two favorite uncles died of lung cancer from smoking 2+ packs a day. I lost a not-so-favorite uncle to the same disease for the same reason.

I HATE SMOKING.

But I HATE NANNY-STATE-LOVING, SOCIAL ENGINERRING, BUTT-IN-SKIS MORE.

When I go to a bar I know I'm gonna get a couple of lungs full of smoke.

TOO BAD FOR ME. BUT IT'S MY DAMED CHOICE.

The folks who work there knew there would be smoke.

It ain't any different than moving to a house near the airport and complaining about the noise.

Too Freaking Bad!! You made the bed, lie in it you weasels.

The incrementalist pigs who love the ban are not gonna stop coming at us. The next step will be to ban smoking in your homes.

You know they want to and you know they'll go for it. They have the momentum.

Your home is not going to be your castle for long and it's all in the name of Public Health.

They're only doing it for "THE CHILDREN".

Do me a favor Nickboy, Laura, and the rest of you Leftist slobs....

...KEEP YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF MY KIDS.

I'm about to go "Howard Dean" on all you paternalistic punks.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Congratu-damn-lations you nanny-state loving, freedom hating – there I said it, toe suckers.

You got your freaking smoking ban and now you’re all gonna live forever.

The paternalistic puss these freaks discharge in support their choking off of other’s rights is makes me wretch.

Public health, my ass. I’ve yet to find one restaurant/bar worker or patron who was forced to enter. Show me the bartender or waitress who has a gun to their head and I’ll be happy to support the ban. Until then shut your sphincters.

If they want to live in your cloistered biosphere, I say go for it. I’ll help them find the land and will lend a hand building their Utopia.

Nick-boy’s old lady is quite smug at the enactment of the smoking ban. No, smug is not the word. Condescending is more like it.

She is a first class example of the incrementalist, anti-Federalist mentality that saturates the Left in this country.

If Frau Coleman had her way Washington DC would be the center of power. Better yet, let’s have Kofi running the world.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

I used to think the Left was rife with morons – I see now that I was wrong. On the contrary, their one and only goal is to use the power of government to engineer the world they want to live in.

To the biosphere with them.

Let’s purge them from our midst. They are wrong headed evil freaks who are destroying our world by trying to save it. Kiss your freedom goodbye.

Fast food is next so, if you’re a bit overweight, you can expect to be assigned to a “workout camp” sometime soon.

Here’s my suggestion. Since smoking in bars and restaurants (with some exceptions in St. Paul) is no longer allowed, I suggest finding a local watering hole and asking the folks next to you if they are among the nonsmokers who are coming out of their caves. If they answer yes, put in a big old plug of chewing tobacco and spit, and spit, and spit until that empty pint glass is full.

No public health issues there.

Hello, Chernobyl.

Chernobyl is no longer the owner of the world’s greatest meltdown, and Krakatoa no longer reigns as the greatest spewer of oxygen-sucking fumes and choking ash.

Those titles are now held by the American Left Wing as represented by Paul Krugman, Moron Dowd and the editorial board of the Minneapolis Star & Sickle.

Oh, But They’ve Gone Start Raving Mad.

The first two paragraphs of the today’s rancid offering in the S&S are all one needs to read:

In a column this week, the New York Times' Paul Krugman mused about the dangers inherent in the rise of religious extremism in the United States. Increasingly, he said, the Christian right wing is willing to bend the law, ignore the spirit of the law, rewrite the law and ultimately reinterpret the law by packing the court with fellow travelers. All this in order to impose upon the nation an extremist religious ethic that looks more Iranian than American.

You've seen this play out over the past few weeks in lurid, 24/7 coverage of federal meddling in the Terri Schiavo case. It's also affecting the classroom as more teachers come under pressure to teach "intelligent design" as a counter to evolution science. And it is coming soon to the U.S. Senate in the form of a Republican effort to prohibit filibusters against the most radical of President Bush's federal court nominees.

These fruit are actually concerned about the United States becoming a Theocracy. They are concerned because, horror of horrors, people in this country believe in God and go to church, synagogue, and mosque, pick your place, on a regular basis.

Head for the hills, the world is ending.

Actually, what is coming to an end – albeit a slow one – is the dominance of the left and their worship of government.

It’s quite simple, really. The more people turn to God and, by extension other people, for comfort and support the less they need to turn to government – at any level. And with that goes the base of the Left: the needy, the poor, and the downtrodden.

After 60 years or redistributing wealth for the purpose of curing all ills, the Left has run out of steam because things ain’t that bad and for those who do need help it is there for the taking.

As long as they don’t mention God.

Hey Left-Wing Fraud Machine? Check This Out.

Dear Piss-brains,

I have been writing and writing to you, and you continue to ignore me.

No, you needn't worry: I have no new news from Milwaukee today. Instead I am writing to give you props. In fact I am rather surprised that you haven't beaten me to the punch with this.

It seems that all of your caterwauling regarding purported voting irregularities in Ohio had some legs after all. Indeed, the American Center for Voting Rights (a nonpartisan 501(c)(3) organization) has completed its investigation and has found widespread wrongdoing in connection with the Ohio election. It has issued a report on the election and referred the matter to the Department of Justice via this letter. Here's an excerpt from that letter (emphasis mine):

As you will see in the report, third party organizations, especially ACT, ACORN and the NAACP Project Vote, were engaged in a coordinated “Get Out the Vote” effort. A significant component of this effort appears to be registering individuals who would cast ballots for the candidate supported by these organizations. This voter registration effort was not limited to the registration of legal voters but, criminal investigations and news reports suggest, that the voter registration effort also involved the registration of thousands of fictional voters such as the now infamous Jive F. Turkey, Sr., Dick Tracy and Mary Poppins. Those individuals registering these fictional voters were reportedly paid not just money to do so but were, in at least one instance, paid in crack cocaine.

Clearly, the conduct outlined in the preliminary report suggests a serious violation of federal law in pursuit of a scheme to illegally influence the outcome of a national election for President.

So I guess you were right when you said that the Republicans were trying to hijack-

Wait a minute.

ACORN? Americans Coming Together? NAACP?

THOSE ARE LIBERAL ORGANIZATIONS! Why would a cadre of liberal organizations try to rig the election so that Bush got reelected? That makes no sense.

Unless...

Oh Lordy, are you guys up to your eyeballs in shit!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Love,

LearnedFoot

P.S. Kool Aid Toast to Swiftee.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

We Are All Going to Die

We humans. We parasites. We viruses.

A new sky is falling environmental report will be presented today:

The report, prepared in Washington under the supervision of a board chaired by Robert Watson, the British-born chief scientist at the World Bank and a former scientific adviser to the White House, will be launched today at the Royal Society in London. It warns that:

· Because of human demand for food, fresh water, timber, fibre and fuel, more land has been claimed for agriculture in the last 60 years than in the 18th and 19th centuries combined.

· An estimated 24% of the Earth's land surface is now cultivated.

· Water withdrawals from lakes and rivers has doubled in the last 40 years. Humans now use between 40% and 50% of all available freshwater running off the land.

· At least a quarter of all fish stocks are overharvested. In some areas, the catch is now less than a hundredth of that before industrial fishing.

· Since 1980, about 35% of mangroves have been lost, 20% of the world's coral reefs have been destroyed and another 20% badly degraded.

· Deforestation and other changes could increase the risks of malaria and cholera, and open the way for new and so far unknown disease to emerge.

Given these staggering new "findings", I have concluded that this is what we humans must do to save the planet from certain destruction (given in an order corresponding to the above):
  • Cease all agricultural and mineral-extracting activities;
  • Stop paying farmers for allowing certain portions of their lands to remain fallow;
  • Stop drinking water;
  • Stop fishing / eating fish (WARNING: this may cause the abrogation of some Indian treaties!)
  • Stop ramming into coral reefs with our personal watercraft; and
  • Decriminalize DDT to eradicate mosquito-borne illnesses.

Yep, that oughta do it.

Or am I just engaging in junk science?

Outsourcing Moron Mail - UPDATED

Blare the B.D.A.R.S:

My son, ask for thyself another kingdom,
for that which I leave
is too small for thee.

-King Philip of Macedonia - 339 B.C. (via Iron Maiden)

I'll bet that I know a guy who would love to eviscerate these two letters appearing today in the Strib even more than I would:

Ready for some fresh air

Nonsmokers, now is the time to show your gratitude for the successful passage of the total smoking ban in bars and restaurants in Hennepin County. When it goes into effect on Thursday, gather a group of fellow nonsmokers, head to a bar or restaurant, and celebrate your right to breathe smoke-free air!

Don't forget to keep going, too. If we ever expect to see a statewide ban on smoking, it will be up to us to prove that we can be a positive economic force for the food and beverage industry.

As for me, I am heading straight to Bloomington to show my appreciation to its City Council for having the courage to be the first to stand up for this critical public health effort.

Ann Berne-Rannow, Eden Prairie.

The majority spoke

Quite a few people have been saying the new smoking ban in bars and restaurants is too much government interference.

But we are the government. And a large majority of us don't smoke, and are tired of smokers inflicting their smoke on us.

Smokers say if we don't like it, we shouldn't go to bars. I want the freedom to breathe clean air. This interferes with smokers' freedom to smoke anywhere they want. This is the conflict we are facing.

But I am not forcing anything into smokers' bodies. They are forcing hazardous chemicals into mine. And it is the proper function of government to resolve conflicts between groups of people.

Scott Nation, Minneapolis.

What say you Aurelius? Got any kool-aid flowing in those veins? Have at 'em.

UPDATE: Marcus has taken me up (sorta). Unfortunately he didn't feel the need to use any of the incendiary language or ad hominem attacks that are the hallmarks of the Moron Mail(TM) franchise.

On the bright side, he did offer a quote that works wonderfully out of context:

I am nothing if not a tool...

Heh. I am pure evil.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I Hate Intolerant People

One of the "virtues" of the moonbat left is its tireless advocacy for a more tolerant world. You see them trumpeting the importance of tolerance all the time. Against gay marriage? You are intolerant. Think that self-styled "goths" are weird? You are intolerant. At 9:15 am on September 11, 2001 you hypothesized that hijackers who used passenger jets as missiles might probably be Muslim fanatics? You are intolerant.

Of course to the moonbat left, the word "intolerance" is just double-speak for "closed-minded Cro-magnon who is not nearly as smart as we are, and therefore, evil".

And I can think of no place better to find that perfect mesh of tolerance and enlightenment than the Democratic Underground Homepage (DUH).

Here's today's thread of class mingled with intellect, woven together with the yarn of tolerance.
Duct-tape your head and lock away your guns (text as in original, otherwise it would take me several hours of typing "sic" over and over):

--Alcohol is legal as a Holy Sacrament, the weed is not

i don't think jesus would've begrudged me enjoying a good smoke, in fact, i read recently that the oil he often annointed people with was cannibus oil.

you wouldn't take wine out of the catholic church's holy sacrament, yet many religions who claim the herb as a holy sacrament, are denied it's use.

when the hell is america going to get over the movie 'reefer madness'?

--When Are People Going to Stop Eating Their God on a Cracker?

--With the religious right in America, the cracker is a perfect host.

--but really, i know about two dozen people who attend church regularly AND smoke dope.it's not a conflict to them, as it would be to some zealots.

--I Think Both Are Silly
But people have been eating their gods for ever, and I don't begrudge them.


Outlawing the use of a plant is just stupid, especially when it can bring relief to so many, and simple enjoyment to many others.

--It's criminal
to deny the people of the world the use of a plant that is so versatile.


Aside from the potent form of hemp, the legalization of Industrial Hemp will be the only way we can easily and quickly survive Peak Oil. Soon the government and Big Oil will no longer have a choice in the matter. It will become suicidal not to turn to hemp, to solve our energy problems.

I'll spare you the rest.

Yes, these are the people who proclaim to be smarter, better informed, and more tolerant than you.

And be careful not to eat your gods.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Inviting an Instalanche, Settling for a Fraterquake

Chad at Fraters chastises me for mocking the latest fad in the blogosphere: razorblogging. Personally I don't remember ever mocking the practice of razorblogging, though I do remember one time when I cracked a joke that vibrating razors could be considered dual-use technology (think about it....thiiiiiiiiiiiink - aha you got it. Yes, I am tasteless, but you already knew that.)

Well Uber-Blogger Glenn Reynolds appears to have discovered that blogging about personal hygene devices makes for good copy. So not being one to avoid leaping on the Latest Big Thing (I do have a blog, after all), I will gladly whore myself out to Big Razor if it means gobs of traffic from Instapundit.

LearnedFoot's Razor Reviews

In the disposable category, by far the best value is the Gillette Sensor 3 which features three spring-mounted Comfort Blades(TM), a Non-slip Handle(TM) and a Sensitive + Aloe Lubrastrip(TM). The Sensor 3 provides a clean-close shave that tends to make Mrs. Foot's knees weak. I heartily endorse -

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

Well, I can still salvage this post. Instead, in an effort to make up for any mocking of FL, real or perceived, I offer this:

I Wanna Be the Header Quote on Fraters Libertas!

When you surf over to Fraters Libertas, one of the first things you'll notice is a quotation from some famous person that is either appropriate for the news of the day, self-promotional, or self-depracating.

So that the boys are never again wanting for quote fodder, I offer these, which they may use at their discretion:

"Fraters Libertas: Rotten livers; Fresh writing." -LearnedFoot

"Beer-soaked commentary for a puke-encrusted internet." - LearnedFoot

"Doing for the blogosphere what Ralph Rapson did for public architecture." -LearnedFoot

"Fraters Libertas: Champale in a Boone's Farm world." -LearnedFoot

How about the overly-metaphored-flourish quote:

"Fraters Libertas: The propellers moving the Aircraft Carrier of Truth that forges relentlessly ahead in the sea of confusion, against the trade currents of civic discourse driven by the tides of public opinion and the Coriolis Force of current events, churning up the photoluminescent plankton of enlightenment that guides us to the flight deck of common sense." -LearnedFoot

Note: Check the spelling of "Coriolis Force" before using that one.

And finally:

"Saint Paul is the internet's version of Molly Ivins. That is, if Molly Ivins were a conservative. And could write. And not a self-contradicting cornpone hick." -LearnedFoot

Remember guys, it's spelled "LearnedFoot" - two e's, two o's and one word. Much easier to spell than "King Bannanaman".

The Who?

Meet the new Doug.

Same as the old Doug.

Congrats! Here's your blogwarming present.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Tragic Comedy, or: Comic Tragedy

It's been a bad couple of days for the Foot's overall cred. First, Sisyphus baits me into saying that Warren Burger joined the 3 dissenters in Roe v. Wade(TM). Of course this is wrong on 2 counts: 1) Burger joined the majority's opinion, and 2) there were not 3 dissenting justices on that case. Sisyphus took the opportunity to beat the shit out of me for this misstatement (and BTW, Sis: the Minnesota State Supreme Court says that they won't give me any CLE credits for reading your post. I want a refund.) To set the record straight, the justices who joined Rehnquist's dissent in Roe were: JJ. White, Brennan, Brandeis, Warren and Cardozo.

The Foot regrets the error.

Then of course there was last night's Choke-o-rama featuring the chokiest chokers that ever choked, Arizona. The 'Cats were up by 15 with 3 minutes to go...

...and lost.

I previously was not in favor of the death penalty. Now I say give Lute Olsen the chair. His, and his team's, performance was criminal.

So I owe Flash a beer. Illinois made it to the Final Four. I was wrrrrrrr - Er, I was wrrron-

I am having trouble writing that. So I'll just say that I have already mailed Flash his beer; a 7-year old Old Milwaukee I found in the back of my fridge. I mailed it 6th Class U.S. Post and marked the box "FRAGILE" so the beer won't get too shaken up.

As for the "hoops cred" thing: the results are inconclusive. Flash picked Kansas to win the tournament, so as I see it, all things are equal. We will have to wait until next year to see which one of us truly possesses hoop cred.

But, just to remind you: Flash picked Kansas to win it all.

***

Hamlet was on HBO the other day (I hope nobody got whiplash from that abrupt change in topic. I'm paying a courtesy to Blogger today by making it easier for it to eat all my posts in one convenient swipe.) It was the satisfying, if less than classic Mel Gibson version. I love Shakespeare; especially his tragedies. I know that there are some that are turned off by The Bard. Many find his stories predictable. This is mostly due to the 400 years worth of derivative plays, films and prose that have rendered most of his best stuff no more than cliche. Then there are those that find his language and style impenetrable.

So as a public service to those people who don't appreciate Shakespeare the way I do, I will provide a plot summary for what I consider his best works, his tragedies in their totality:

ACT I

The characters are introduced; all of whom have conflicting interests, and most of whom have a fatal flaw.

ACT II

A stunning string of coincidences/bad luck/poor judgment leads to the untimely death of one or two characters.

ACT III

All the characters who have not yet died, die.

[Exit LearnedFoot as a lone piper plays "Greensleeves" offstage]

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Yet Another Open Letter to the Left Wing Fraud Machine

Dear Asshats,

My goodness, you guys are keeping me busy. I have given up waiting to hear from you since I realize that you all have nothing to offer in the way of evidence as far as the presidential election in Ohio goes. You got nothing and everybody knows it. I was just taunting you a little (by which I mean "a lot".)

In my past correspondence with you, I have always been careful to avoid sounding, well, like you. I have assiduously avoided the language of conspiracy that so often characterizes many of your mootbat internet outlets. Alas, by writing this, I may be slipping into that very trap.

But I do so diligently and thoughtfully. Yes, the morass you have created in Wisconsin indeed looks like a conspiracy.

To review the story so far, Asshat:

-In Milwaukee, there were several precincts where the number of votes cast outnumbered the actual number enrolled voters;

-As many as 650 ineligable felons voted;

-Loads and loads of voter registration cards were returned to sender because the addresses on them did not exist;

-Milwaukee County's (Democrat) D.A. has a history of not giving a shit about these things (yet he, with the U.S. Attorney's office are leading the investigation into these matters)

-A picture ID voter registration law is doomed (by Democrats including Wisconsin's moonbat governor) because the poor, elderly, and minorities tend to forget their wallets.

All this paints a rather compelling picture. Yet it lacks the touchstone of a true bona fide conspiracy: a shadow organization that adds an impamatur of legitimacy to the illegitamate.

Well, it looks like we have that too:

The results of the Nov. 2 election in Milwaukee, now the subject of an investigation into possible voter fraud, were certified without any double-checking of the totals by the city or county panels charged with oversight, the Journal Sentinel has determined.

Thus, polling-place discrepancies between the number of ballots cast and the count of voters at many wards went undiscovered until long after the election results were finalized.

The State Elections Board on Thursday opened a review into why the city did not comply with a state law that requires it to provide copies of key materials to the county by 2 p.m. the day after the election - and why the county OK'd the results without seeing the documents.

Kevin Kennedy, executive director of the state board, said the sequence of events, only now coming to light, meant key safeguards were ignored.

Indeed, had officials caught those polling-place gaps - at the ward level, or later by the city or by county canvassers - hundreds of ballots could have been set aside and not counted to adjust for the difference, as called for by state law.

Well isn't that a fine howdy-doo? The watchdogs weren't watching. Was it on purpose? Or was it incompetence? I put the odds at 50/50 given that these panels are dominated by Democrats. Please do read the whole article.

With a few minor exceptions, this country has endured quite a bit of internal strife peacefully since the Civil War. But, (and you will have to excuse my French here) when you fuck with an election; when you render illegitimate the very foundation of this country's peacefulness, you will eventually reap the whirlwind. People will get hurt, and people will die if you continue to pull stunts like it increasingly appears you have pulled in Milwaukee.

I don't need to remind you that our side owns most of the guns in this country.

Have a nice day!

LearnedFoot

Left's tolerance, permissiveness, inclusiveness paving road to Hell

It is my opinion that the spate of school shootings in recent years represents the heralding of a new era; an era in which the children of those who were raised in the years when many of the social norms and tenets of civilized society were challenged, and in many cases deemed obsolete and regressive.

Now I am not going to get into a big thing about "Back in my day' (I don't consider myself old enough for that yet, but God willing, I will be someday because I'm looking forward to my turn!), but I will maintain that things were different when I was a lad (not that long ago!).

I recall that there was never any doubt that a youngster would respect elders, particularly teachers and parents.

I know there was no such thing as a student "Bill of Rights," and had one been proposed where I went to school, it would have been summarily dismissed as so much garbage.

I know that when we saw a kid wearing all black and putting black makeup on to look like a vampire, we thought it strange and we said so, without fear of being labeled intolerant and 'haters.' It was strange, and if a kid went out of his way to make a spectacle of himself in such a manner, we were going to let him know he succeeded. You wonder why in 'the good old days ' most kids wore uniforms to school? This may be one reason why. Maybe it should be brought back.

I know that if I ever dared to talk back to a teacher, the teacher's wrath would just be the beginning of my problem. I might as well have not even gone home that night because the retribution would have been severe and deserved. Today? The teacher would be sued for offending the student.

I know we didn't have social clubs to celebrate any particular lifestyle under the sun.

I know we were taught U.S. History, and we recited the pledge of allegiance every morning.

I know that when there was a fight between two students, the teacher let it go on just long enough to 'get the steam out', and then gave the offenders a detention for fighting in school. There was no expulsion, or revulsion at the 'violent episode.'

I know that any teacher I encountered in the hall could 'cuff me one' if I was out of line, and I was afraid of every one of them, right through highschool. Today? The teachers are afraid of the students, and with good reason.

Why advocate for some of these things to become the norm again? I may be making a logical stretch here, but here goes:

I know we didn't have to go through metal detectors to get into school.

I know we didn't have armed policemen patrolling the halls.

I can't recall ever, ever hearing about some distraught 'misunderstood' poor student gunning down his classmates when I was growing up.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Schools As Parents

I hesitate to rant over a subject as painful as the gutless murders that took place at Red Lake High School earlier this week, so I will not.

But, I will rant about the opinion piece I found in today’s St. Paul Pioneer Press.

I’m don’t know why kids feel the need to open fire on their fellow students before killing themselves. But I guaran-damn-tee you, following Dan Gartrell’s prescription of adding to the already top-heavy bureaucracy will do nothing to either find the cause or solve the problem.

I can say this with great confidence because what he proposes is more of the same. More money, more staff, more cradle-to-grave involvement in our lives:

From the beginning — from a well-funded, coordinated preschool system and full-time kindergarten classrooms straight on into college — we need mental health professionals in our schools.

Give us your kids when they’re three and we’ll mold them and shape them into productive citizens. We will instill in them the proper values – as chosen by the government – and prepare them to serve the master – government again – when their education is complete.
He wants the “time and support for every teacher, every day, to teach the meaning of a community of learners, of an encouraging classroom, in which cooperative communication is used and the need for rejection and bullying of individual students is eliminated.”
He’s missing an important element that no longer exists, in any meaningful way, in today’s society: Firm and strict disciplining of those who step out of bounds
This “conflict resolution” crap is just that...crap. Until teachers are allowed to discipline properly – I’m not talking about physical punishment, necessarily – and parents are willing to back up the teachers, we’re going to get nowhere.
Speaking of parents, how can Mr. Gartrell spend 704 words talking about how to fix the problem and give only a passing mention to family and not one word about Mom and Dad?

Then, on word 531, he goes for the close: The only way to really solve this problem is to – surprise, surprise – raise our taxes.
What’s most refreshing about his pitch is he doesn’t couch it in euphemisms:
It will take weighing the need for new taxes against the lives of all Minnesotans lost in schools and finally recognizing that new taxes are indeed needed.
There it is, schools and schools alone can solve the problems of today’s youth going berserk and killing each other. No need for you, as parents, to be involved. Oh, we’ll build trust-based relationships with you, but only so you’ll rubber stamp our plans.

Parents are an unnecessary distraction in the lives of their kids and, if they have input in their upbringing, may not teach the proper values – again those as deemed proper by government (primarily Education Minnesota).

Therefore, the earlier educators get their hooks into our kids, the less need there will be for re-educators later on.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Talk about Your Last Supper

This is a fun one.

They're On To Me

The link in to the RMS (regurgitated monkey spleen) from the Harvard Crimson paper ain't working. They must've figured out I'm what I'm up to.

Here's the piece in it's entirety:

By THE CRIMSON STAFF

After recent approval by Associate Dean of the College Thomas A. Dingman ’67, other members of the Dean’s office, and all 12 House Masters, a new student service is sweeping onto campus. Dormaid, founded by Michael E. Kopko ’07, is a cleaning service that allows students to avoid the perennial problem of dingy, smutty, questionably-habitable rooms. But as appealing as the thought of a perpetually tidy room may be, (independent of family visits), Dormaid could potentially mess up as many rooms as it cleans. By creating yet another differential between the haves and have-nots on campus, Dormaid threatens our student unity.

There are already plenty of services at Harvard that sharpen the differences between socioeconomic classes. Harvard Student Agency Cleaners, for example, lets some students pick up clean and neatly-folded clothes in crackling plastic bags. The less well-off among us, however, make semi-weekly journeys to the basement with bulging mesh laundry bags and quarters in hand. These differences extend to the social sphere as well—to final clubs composed predominately of wealthy young men, or to basic activities, like eating out, that some students cannot afford to enjoy. But while class differences are a fact of life—yes, there are both rich and poor people at Harvard—there is no reason to exacerbate these differences further with a room-cleaning service.

Dorm life is one of the few common experiences left that all students, regardless of class or background, have to endure with a measure of equality. The egalitarian nature of dorm life helps to foster a sense of collegiate camaraderie, an unadulterated respect for peers; it generates a level playing field that encourages learning between people of all upbringings. A service like Dormaid can bring many levels of awkwardness into this picture. For example, do two people sharing a double split the cost? What if one wants the service and the other does not? What if one cannot afford it? Hiring someone to clean dorm rooms is a convenience, but it is also an obvious display of wealth that would establish a perceived, if unspoken, barrier between students of different economic means.

Harvard administrators and House Masters should have known better than to approve Dormaid. While it provides a useful service, Dormaid’s cost to campus life outweighs its positive aspects. Harvard makes strong efforts to open this school to students of all backgrounds. These efforts must not end with a number in a financial aid packet. This openness must be imbued in the atmosphere of this school, which means that unneeded distinctions between the rich and the poor are the last things that Harvard needs to foster. Although Harvard has given its approval, students don’t have to. We urge the student body to boycott Dormaid. Everyone’s certainly busy, but Harvard students shouldn’t choose convenience over healthy relationships with their blockmates. It’s up to each one of us to ensure that our peers feel comfortable on campus, and if that means plugging in a vacuum every two weeks, then so be it.

Entrepreneurs Not Wanted

I love the Left. There is never a lack of material to blog about.

Harvard has been in the news quite a bit as of late, but this story has not received the level of exposure it deserves.

Like I said, I love the Left, but, I hate Leftist ideology. It is emotion-filled, thought-free twaddle and the above-linked editorial proves my point.

There are no pragmatic reasons for boycotting Mr. Kopko’s business. He’s not accused of using slave labor or harming the environment. He’s simply an entrepreneur who came up with one heck of a business idea.

That the Lefties at the Crimson (isn’t that a shade of red?) want to deny him his right to ply his trade is a glaring example of their inability to grasp a simple fact of life:

THERE AIN’T NO SUCH THING AS EQUAL OUTCOME!

Their desire to create a “level playing field” is downright silly. There is no such thing and they admit as much in the editorial.

If they truly desire a level playing field why don’t they call on all students to eschew the exclusive student clubs and the Harvard Student Agency Cleaners? Ban snobby east coast accents, push for all students to take speech and diction lessons so everyone sounds like Middle America?

I call for a dress code that mandates all clothing worn by students and staff come from Sears and Kmart. I also call on the Mummies and Daddys of the “haves” to give no more money to their privileged ones than the “have-nots” get from their parents.

If these fools were attempting to achieve something that was achievable, I might go along with them. But what they are proposing is patently absurd and their pompous tone is reeks of regurgitate monkey spleen.

They write of “unneeded distinctions between rich and poor” being the “last things that Harvard needs to foster.” Those distinctions are all around you, on campus and off, and keeping Mr. Kopko from succeeding in business ain’t going to change a damn thing.

If you self-important jackasses would think this through, I know thinking is difficult because it requires a detachment from emotion, you might realize that, if successful, Mr. Kopko might hire some of those “have-nots” and provide them with an income. That’s no good, of course, because then your weeping and gnashing of teeth wouldn’t be necessary.

No, you’d rather have students share in the egalitarian ritual of cleaning the dorm room and, when they were done, the Haves would go off to the pub for a beer while the have-nots would go off to the drinking fountain in the hall.

I guess egalitarianism only goes so far.

I got news for The Crimson Staff, some of the “have-nots” they are working so hard to protect will one day be able to buy and sell the bozos who make up the Staff.

I hope Michael E. Kopko ’07 is one of them.

Gizoogle Rules

I was looking at the Gizoogle translation of the KAR again, and I noted that this sentence from a recent post:

You are going to make me link to Power Line.

was translated thusly:

You is going ta makes me link ta Wanna Be Gangsta Line but real niggaz don't give a f**k.

"Power Line" = "Wanna Be Gangsta Line"

!!!!!!!

The blogroll has been updated.

Young Moonbats in Their Formative Years

Letter in today's Strib:

Don't blame Goths

I've noticed that some of the students who had been interviewed about the shooting at Red Lake High School found it necessary to point out that the shooter was a "Goth" who dressed in all black.

What I wonder is if the shooter had been wearing a letter jacket, would these interviewees have pointed out that he was a "jock"?

The fact that Jeffrey Weise was Gothic has been used in an attempt to explain why he took this action. Living a Gothic lifestyle, or any other kind of lifestyle, doesn't make a student bring guns to school. What makes kids bring guns to school is how they are treated for choosing their so-called "frightening" lifestyle.

Maybe, if these students were not harassed, mistreated and stereotyped, tragic events like the one in Red Lake could be avoided.

Perhaps we should stop thinking about security guards and metal detectors and start thinking about learning a permanent solution: compassion and understanding for others.

Mike R*********, Eden Prairie;
high school student.

Have a seat son, while I tell you about the facts of life.

One of the most important facts of life is a thing called "experience". Y'see, "Jocks" have not been known to slaughter their classmates. On the other hand "Goths" do have some history of this activity (a couple of Goths known as "Kliebald" and "Harris" jump immediately to mind). Experience tells us that one time might be an isolated incident, two times may be a coincidence, but three times is a pattern. I'm fairly sure that we are beyond the third time. After all, nobody was shocked to learn that the 9/11 hijackers were all Middle Eastern men.

Secondly, Gothism (if that's the word) is not a "lifestyle". It's a fashion statement. Judging from other goths I have known, that statement is something along the lines of "pay attention to me so I can be cool by ignoring you".

Thirdly, maybe it's the gothic bizarre fixation on death and the macabre that leads people to make these connections. By the way the term "Gothic" is a style of architecture or a shortened version of referring to things related to the Visigoths, an Iron Age tribe of Central Europe. It is not an accurate way of describing your particular fashion and musical predillictions. A more accurate term would be "vampiric".

Fourthly, I can remember no instance in the 1980s where a long-haired metalhead juiced up on Iron Maiden and bully-fueled rage ever mowed down his classmates with an SKS. Although it may have been because they were always too stoned to be able to operate a door.

[Here LearnedFoot giglingly imagines Nicko McBrain pounding on the head of the annoying lead singer of The Cure Robert Smith with his drumsticks]

So replace that Ministry CD with Powerslave and come walk among the living.

An Oblique Reference to Tonight

Dust off the Bruce Dickinson Air Raid Siren and play it LOUD!

There's a fox among the chickens... -Iron Maiden

...so, I hear that you guys have a trivia contest...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

UPDATED: A Quick Open Note to the Left-Wing Fraud Machine

Dear Knob Goblins,

I still have not heard from you. Are you still there?

Silly me! Of course you are still there. And now I have yet another reason to hate you. You are going to make me link to Power Line.

Yes, apparently resigned to the fact that all of your ideas suck and have about as much traction as a razor scooter in an avalanche, you returned to your tried-and-true method of faking documents to tear down your opposition. And this time you threw in an ABC push-poll for good measure.

Yet I somehow find comfort in the fact that so many of you lefties would immediately embrace an unsigned, unletterheaded memo that closely tracks the lingo of a right-wing activist website, and appears to be photocopied intentionally poorly to add that extra whiff of authenticity.

I take comfort because this indicates that you are grasping at straws. It increasingly appears to me that your party's feeding tube will not be readministered.

Now I understand that this particular incident is several magnitudes of heinousness below hijacking 10 electoral votes in a presidential election. But c'mon. You people are really getting desperate.

Speaking of hijacking elections, The Milwaukee Jenital had yet another story about your electoral misadventures in Wisconsin today. This one first gives a nice little summary of the story so far:

The question of whether felons voted illegally is part of a federal-local investigation into possible voter fraud in the city.

That investigation was prompted by a series of Journal Sentinel revelations about the Nov. 2 election. Among them: a 7,000 vote gap between ballots cast and people recorded as voting; 1,200 votes from invalid addresses; and 1,300 same-day registration cards that could not be processed because of missing or incomplete information.

Just to make those numbers mean something, Knob Goblin, Kerry "won" Wisconsin by about 11,000 votes.

Anyway, the story goes on to document the most compelling reason why so many of you Democrats oppose the proposed picture ID law for same-day voter registration: some people may forget their wallets. Especially the elderly, minorities and the poor. (I am not making this up. Go read the story.)

I am delighted that you folks have discovered this troubling problem that certain underprivileged segments of society have problems remembering to bring their wallets with them. Perhaps this is the magic bullet that ends poverty. Poor people actually do have enough money to live on; they just keep leaving it on their dressers. I think a new, highly-funded government program is in order to treat this egregious problem of billfold location ignorance.

But anyway, that's all I've got for today.

What's the news from Ohio?

Regards,

LearnedFoot

P.S. So now, with the new developments in this story, the question becomes: which one of you twerps wrote that Republican "talking points memo":

However, Republican leadership staffers now believe the document was generated out of the Democratic opposition research office set up recently by Sen. Harry Reid, and distributed to some Democratic Senate staffers claiming it was a GOP document, in the hope -- or more likely expectation -- that it would then be leaked by those Democrats to reporters. In fact, the New York Times stated that it was Democratic staffers who were distributing the "talking points" document.

Rest asssured that when the forger is discovered, he/she/it will be crucified here on a daily basis.

All We Are at KAR Iz a Buncha Thugz, Gangstaz and Hizzoes

You haven't read the KAR until you have read it in the vernacular.

(K-A Toast to Moonbat v. Kennedy)

L To Tha Fizzle - out.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Gasping for Air America

Finding myself a bit overwhelmed by the news of the day, I decided to drop in on the enemy camp to see what was going on. I do this occasionally because I believe in the practice of keeping your friends close but your enemies closer.

Although it offered great resistance, I was able to cajole my browser to lock onto the Air America Minnesota homepage.

WARNING: SOME IMAGES COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

I came away with one overriding thought: The people who run this penny ante operation are at best delusional and at worst frauds and liars.

Did I really assert that again?

For those who want proof, I offer this.

You read that right. Gasping for Air America (GAA) claims it reaches 55% of the local market. Note it doesn’t say “You potentially reach”, it says, “You reach a valuable market segment representing over half of the population.”

I wish they would define “population” as they use it.

For the sake of argument, let us say conservative talk radio does reach an aggregate total of 45% of the population, to jump from that “if” to the conclusion that GAA must “then” reach the balance of the population reveals the management to be either delusional or frauds and liars.

As an old radio guy, I’m confident in saying that, given their weak signal and even weaker content, GAA would be kicking some serious behind if they were able to secure 1% of that 55%.

The numbers they claim here are akin to what WCCO used to pull in at the height of it’s popularity.

One way to judge the success of a radio station is by its ad rates and its list of advertisers. I can’t claim to know the former – although I could make an educated guess – but the latter is on the site for all to see:

Chrysalis helping women, children and families transform their lives
The Laborers' Union Minnesota & North Dakota Laborers' District Council
International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers & Local 292
United Food and Commercial Workers & Local 789
Lakes and Plains Regional Council & of Carpenters and workers
The Shakopee Mdewakanton Sioux (Dakota) Community
International Union Of Operating Engineers Local 49
Communications Workers of America

If this is the best they can do for advertisers, they have a long difficult road to travel. I’ve been there – by there I mean part of a start up radio station in the Twin Cities. Radio is a difficult sell regardless of what station you represent.

Selling a station that specializes in Left Wing slop is made even more difficult when one considers that the core audience is anti-capitalist. Imagine the conversation now:

Rep: Hi I’m from Air America and I’d like you to advertise your vegan restaurant on our station.

Vegan: Gee, I’d love to because, like, I really, you know, like what you guys have to say and everything, but, like, if I advertise I might, like, you know, get more people to come to my place and, wouldn’t that take business away from, like, others in the restaurant community? Also, you know, what about, you know, the homeless who don’t have, like radios and, is it fair for me to, you know, advertise if they can’t hear it?

Rep: Wow, you’re so right. What if we call it a sponsorship? Kinda like PBS.

Vegan: That’s so cool. Here’s $500.

That’s right; you can become a “member” of GAA if you want. They have cute levels – just like PBS – depending on how much you give. My favorite part is where it says, “We rely on our advertisers and sponsors for our major support (please patronize these fine folks).

Look at that list again and explain to me how one patronizes a union.

Just like the Left: If you can’t sell it call it a “sponsorship” and people

Back to the audience: What I found here makes no sense. OK, some of it does, but this portion does not:

Air America works for Business
Consider the profile of the Air America listener in New York
· 25-54 . . .Unlike the traditional AM radio listener
· Educated, professional earning high income . . . Unlike the traditional AM radio listener
· Is the most loyal in the market. #1 in Time Spent Listening
· Cannot be reached with other AM radio stations…virtually no duplication.

I don’t know what they mean by “traditional AM radio”, but they sure as hell ain’t talking about the audience for most of the conservative stations across this country.

Locally and nationwide, conservative Talk Radio reaches the best damn audience you could want, 35-54, college educated with advanced degrees, incomes in 6 figures. There’s a reason high end auto dealers and financial, etc. are on KSTP and The Patriot and not on GAA.

There is more there, but I’ve grown tired of slogging through the fecal matter and, to be completely honest, I just don’t give a damn.

Confirmed: Strib Editorial Board Shows No High Level Brain Function

I'm still not sure what Dementee meant with his controversial "regurgitated monkey spleen" comment, but it does describe the Strib's lead editorial today fairly well:

***

The world has since changed utterly, as the strange political kidnapping of Terri Schiavo makes plain. Perhaps the only gladness to be gleaned from this mad story is that the hostage herself is not really around to witness her exploitation. But Americans should be embarrassed on her behalf to see Washington's right-wing radicals seize this permanently unconscious woman for a totalitarian fibfest.

Speaking of fibfests, you're about to be treated to one:

Totalitarian? What else can we call a government that elbows its way to a deathbed to dictate whether or not its occupant shall be allowed to die naturally?

TIME OUT! Let's go to the law in question (hat tip to Doug for saving me the work) that is the purported "elbow" of the government, which I'm sure the Strib editorial board did not bother to read.

The key provisions:

SECTION 1. ***

The United States District Court for the Middle District of Florida shall have jurisdiction to hear, determine, and render judgment on a suit or claim by or on behalf of Theresa Marie Schiavo for the alleged violation of any right of Theresa Marie Schiavo under the Constitution or laws of the United States relating to the withholding or withdrawal of food, fluids, or medical treatment necessary to sustain her life.

I'll translate for those of you that write editorials for the Strib: Congress here grants jurisdiction to the Federal Court in the appropriate district to hear this particular case pursuant to the authority granted to it in Article III of the constitution (another legal document that the Strib editors are unfamiliar with).

SEC. 2. ***

In such a suit, the District Court shall determine de novo any claim of a violation of any right of Theresa Marie Schiavo within the scope of this Act, notwithstanding any prior State court determination and regardless of whether such a claim has previously been raised, considered, or decided in State court proceedings.

This merely means that the court may make independent findings of fact and conclusions of law. It is not bound by the findings of the state courts. This is necessary since there has become known additional evidence since those actions have run their course. And finally:

SEC. 5. ***

Upon the filing of a suit or claim under this Act, the District Court may issue a stay of any State court order authorizing or directing the withholding or withdrawal of food, fluids, or medical treatment necessary to sustain the life of Theresa Marie Schiavo pending the determination of the suit.

(Emphasis mine). The highlighted word indicates that any preliminary injunctive relief is solely in the discretion of the court.

To sum up, what "Terri's law" does is: grant jurisdiction for an alternative jurisdiction to hear this case, should Terri's family choose to pursue it. It does NOT order feeding tubes to be plugged back in, for Terri's "wishes" (as if anybody conclusively knows what they are) to be disregarded, or anything else that intrudes on some imagined "personal decision".

Back to the regurgitated monkey spleen:

Where is the conservatism in insisting that a woman be interminably fed through a stomach tube -- despite her expressed wishes to the contrary?

Please document these "wishes to the contrary". You can't. Why? Because these so-called wishes were conveniently remembered by Terri's husband after his big malpractice suit was settled. Before that time, he testified that he needed gobs and gobs of money for Terri's long-term care and therapy.

But the folks at the Strib are apparently too intelligent for that to register as something suspicious. Hell, it's not nearly as obvious as a gay-escort-fake-reporter asking softball questions or anything. Continuing:

And how can America's chief champions of "the sanctity of marriage" justify their brazen intrusion into the personal lives of Terri Schiavo and husband Michael?

See the law above: no government intrusion. Just providing another avenue for remedy, should the Schindlers choose to accept it. You guys are either stupid, disingenuous, evil or all three.
Sustained by a feeding tube for 15 years, Terri Schiavo has no meaningful brain function.

Like the Strib editorial writers (oh like I could resist that hanging curveball!).

About this there is no medical dispute -- no matter what her parents may imagine they see in her reflexive grimaces. Though even her husband had difficulty coming to terms with the fact that his wife would forever linger in a persistent vegetative state, he ultimately resolved to honor his wife's declared wishes and direct that her feeding tube be removed.

Again, please document these declared wishes. They seem to have come out of nowhere after Michael found himself a new honey. Hey, death is cheaper than divorce!

That was years ago. Soon after, Terri and Michael Schiavo were swept into an absurd political drama in which facts seem to play no role. Never mind that Michael Schiavo's every act has been in keeping with law and common medical practice.


If not Terri's wishes, whatever those are.

***

And so it is that House Majority Leader Tom Delay, R-Texas, has seen fit to call Michael Schiavo's attempt to honor his wife's wishes "an act of medical terrorism" and of "homicide" -- a characterization so vile it may qualify as slander.

Hmmm. So the Strib is cognizant of slander laws. I'll bet, with all the stuff that the Strib has written about DeLay over the years, that he might end up owning it.

Don't change a thing, Tom. I need the material.

President Bush was so determined to "save Terri" that he winged his way back from vacation to sign a law tossing her destiny into the federal courts.

It's a silly obstructionist game, and if American liberty means anything, it will soon end.

If we can't starve the cripples and other undesirables. That sounds vaguely familiar...

Federal court is the wrong place for reviewing state policy,

...unless it's an abortion law...

and in any case this controversy raises no unresolved matter.

See my definition of de novo review above. At this point, all matters are re-unresolved.

But forget protocol: Thanks to Washington's bosses, the private business of a Florida man and his vegetative wife is headed for a trip through the federal court system. For Terri and Michael Schiavo, it's likely to be a victory tour: In ruling after ruling, the nation's courts have emphasized that individuals, not government, should make decisions about personal medical matters.

Again, you doofusses, read the fricking law. The government made no decisions about personal medical matters.

How can the champions of "small government" -- the very authors of this vulgar, tyrannical escapade -- possibly disagree?

It's hard not to disagree when this is the best argument you can muster. Ignoring critical facts. Lying about others. Mischaracterizing legislation. The only thing that is a vulgar, tyrannical escapade was this editorial.

The issue is not keeping Schiavo alive for its own sake. The issue is whether Terri would want the feeding tube pulled or if her "husband" wants her dead for convenience's sake. If that's "vulgar" to some elitist editorialists, then maybe their plugs should be pulled.

Bogus Doug has loads and loads more on the Schiavo story. Go there and keep scrolling.

Radio host Glenn Beck had an illuminating interview with Terri Schiavo's brother. You can listen to it here for free (Windows Media Player required).

Monday, March 21, 2005

Regurgitated Monkey Spleen

Since using the above adjective to describe a Star & Sickle editorial, I’ve been under tremendous pressure to practice what one commenter called “elegant bombast”.

It ain’t gonna happen, ‘cause I don’t do elegant. Apparently I don’t do English so good either.

Let us keep focused; what’s important is the substance of the post, not the delivery. After all, Hershblogger, in spite of her objections, agreed with the substance of my post. And if he/she/they agreed with the substance than he/she/they must also agree with the conclusion that the S&S editorial board is populated with frauds and liars.

Keep in mind; this is the same editorial board which objected to the nomination of John Bolton to ambassador of the UN because, among other reasons, he dared to call North Korea evil, a description with which they agreed.

I call evil by its name and will do the same with frauds and liars. Not labeling them as such doesn’t make them not so.

We’re uncomfortable with these “labels” because the moral relativists have trained us to consider all values and opinions as equal – regardless of how asinine they may be.

For example, a country that values the capture, cooking and consumption of the neighbors’ dog sure as hell is not equal to the USofA, where we frown on such activities. Yet there are those who would criticize me for calling such a society barbaric.

In my mind this is one of the great disservices we’ve visited on our country.

We’re told we need to be sensitive to the feelings of others. That we shouldn’t make others feel uncomfortable.

Bull S*&%

If what we read or hear makes creates a little discomfort – all the better. It gives us the opportunity to rethink our positions and change them or make us more confident in them.

No apologies, no regrets.

No retreat, baby, no surrender.

Things That Bug Me

It's Monday: Cranky Post Day!

THING #1 - Ponchos

I'm sure you've seen women roaming around sporting the latest fashion trend: the urban poncho:


This is depressing to me on two fronts. First, this travesty makes its ascendancy at a time when a much worthier trend is on its way out. I am, of course, talking about thong panties.

But far more disturbing, and maybe I am exhibiting signs of a budding mental illness here (Nihilist in Golf Pants interjects: "Budding?"), but whenever I see someone wearing one of these things, I can only think of this.

Shutter.

THING #2 - Mens' Room Boogers

Please, if you need to pick your nose, could you please use a hanky or a kleenex? But if you must pick your nose while peeing in a public restroom, please oh please, could you flick the booger into the urinal rather than sticking it to the wall? And if you absolutely positively must stick your booger to the wall COULD YOU PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOT PLACE IT ABOVE THE URINAL AT EYE-LEVEL?!!!!!

THING #3 - This Letter:

I wonder how many examples a March 17 letter writer can identify from ancient Greece -- or from personal experience -- of the kinds of gay and lesbian couples my wife and I count as friends: faithful and loving partners who pay taxes, go to church, do absolutely no harm to anyone and seek only the same rights others enjoy.

The writer says nothing about rampant promiscuity among heterosexuals. I would submit that their adultery and divorce rate is a far greater "road to ruin" than any threat he imagines from gays and lesbians.

Ronald A. Nelson, Minneapolis.

This tired line of "reasoning" has been spreading like ebola for the past couple of years. It hardly deserves a proper response.

So instead I will use a syllogism in the form of a run-on sentence.

Saying that gay couples should be allowed to marry because they could hardly do more damage to the institution of marriage than all the divorcing and unfaithful heterosexual couples, is kind of like saying that people with no arms should be allowed to pitch in the Majors because they could hardly do any more damage to the institution of baseball than pitchers already in the Majors who doctor the ball with spit or emory boards.

There's your daily dose of bile. Sorry for ruining ponchos for you.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

A Whole Bunch of Unrelated Stuff Delivered in a Stream-of-Consciousness Manner

Tournament on TV, muted - Check.

Iron Miaden cranking on the stereo - Check.

Strib Opinion Section open to the letters page - Check.

Intravenous Bloody Mary administered - Check.

Let's rant.

A commenter to Dementee's last (quite popular) post writes:

I would urge others to read this blog more often if sophomoric language was used less often.

Dementee is right, but "regurgitated monkey spleen", for example, detracts from the message. This is a shame, since as I just said he's right.

For the 8,975th time: if you want consistent well crafted arguments, go read Fraters Libertas. No, strike that. If you want to read about the latest in cutting edge shaving or bourbon technology, go read Fraters Libertas. If you want cogent, well-reasoned arguments and intelligent civic discourse, read Shot in the Dark.

If you want spleen-venting catharsis with a smattering of booger, butt and poop jokes, as well as a little cheeky photoshop chacanery, read us.

Though I do agree that "regurgitated monkey spleen" was a little uncalled for. I would have used the more delicate "dysinterious discharge mixed with vomit."

Most blogs fancy their comments section as a forum for discussion. The KAR comments section is offered to the public only for the following purposes:

1) To make over-the-top fawning comments about the latest brilliant (though occasionally foul-mouthed) post by one of your beloved resident bloggers. And don't worry about my ego. It still hasn't exceeded what blogger.com's bandwith can handle;

2) To make your own wisecracks; and

3) To defend indefensible sports like hockey.

Speaking of which:

Also from the comments section: Nihilist in Golf Pants argues that college basketball's popularity is the best evidence that is an inferior sport to hockey.

If Nihilist were a lawyer, I would set up my practice to serve only clients whose opponents retained him as their attorney. And I would get rich.

Enough of this hockey talk. Ever since Minnesota's goober governor made the cover of a magazine in the 70's, Minnesotans have thought that all that is good and great is contained completely within the borders of this state. And that explains the whole Minnesota hockey vs. basketball argument in a nutshell.

For the record, I have been known to view a hockey game or two. And I even know that the "crease" is not a eupahmism for "butt crack". Of course, it doesn't stop me from giggling whenever I hear: "the goalie caught the puck in the crease".

Enough with the hockey thing. Let's rejoin forces to battle moonbatism.

Speaking of moonbatism, let's take a look at today's letters to the Strib:

Here's one:

One has to admire the employment practices of the Bush administration. Create failed foreign policies and get a promotion.

First Condoleezza Rice is named secretary of state, and now Paul Wolfowitz is nominated to head the World Bank.

I only wish it worked that way in the real world.

Newton Smith, Minneapolis.

OK, I'll respond by merely matching the snarkiness of Mr. Smith's letter: If it did work that way in the real world (i.e. incompetence is rewarded in corresponding degrees), the sign on Mr. Smith's office door would read: Newton Smith, CEO.

Another:

Now that the Senate has voted to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil exploration, I have come to the conclusion that our government is morally bankrupt. Cashing in our national treasures for an oil fix is nothing more than stealing from our children to pay off our own debts ... oh, that's right, they've been doing that for years.

Pete Passolt, Minneapolis.

First of all, the oil exploration and extraction of ANWR would create an environmental situation no more damaging than that of the widespread moose poop already prevalent in that God-forsaken area.

Second, please drop this "our children" crap that you lefties invoke for just about every issue from the deficit to Social Security. My children will be just fine. Though I worry about yours, Pete. [Here, LearnedFoot imagines a conversation between Pete and his imagined child]:

Pete: So son, what do you want to be when you grow up.

Pete's Kid: I, uh, I dunno.

Pete: That's OK. The government will take care of it.

Pete's Kid: Daddy, where do babies come from?

Pete: Why don't you ask the government. Or Planned Parenthood.

Another:

Just because Cheri Pierson Yecke now works for a right-wing think tank doesn't make her ideas any more palatable to Minnesotans ("Voluntary personal accounts were proposed long ago," March 13).

Regardless of the semantics, the trust fund we call Social Security has functioned exactly as planned, and will continue to do so if it can be protected from the likes of her.

Cathy Murphy, St. Louis Park.

The trust fund we call Social Security has functioned as planned? That's why Ponzi schemes are illegal. Unless you are the Federal governmant, that is.

Speaking of Ponzi schemes and other means of self-enrichment at the expense of others:

UWM shocked the nation by making the Sweet Sixteen. Flash and I are tied at one beer a piece.

Let's review my pre-tournament predictions:

Illinois will lose in the final 8 to Oklahoma State - Yet to be determined.

Wisconsin-Milwaukee will stun the nation by making it to the round of sixteen - And they did.

George Washington eliminates Georgia Tech in the first round - The exception that proves the rule.

NC State knocks off Charlotte in the first round - Yep

And my Penzoil Five-Star Lock of the Week: Texas Tech to the Sweet Sixteen - Jimmy the Greek is worried about his job.

Enough. I need to refill my Bloody Mary so this is as good a place as any to -

!ERROR! Blogger bandwith exceeded. Please delete excessive files and /or hubris.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Bloggers are 'Little Goebbels's' to the Press Release Queen

I am vesting myself in the mantel of 'Chief Fisker' in response to LearnedFoot's call regarding the Tamara Baker garbage in today's Strib.

In this piece, we have the classic example of the pot calling the kettle black. Baker's whole point is that Conservatives want to get rid of a free and independent press, in favor of a media and message that they can control ala Stalin and Hitler. Pardon me, Tamara, but did you watch any of the national news broadcasts over the past three decades? Ever pick up the New York Times or the Washington Post? Tell me the 'Old Gray Lady' is fair and balanced!

Baker is an alarmist when it comes to Conservatives taking over the media. She has warned all of us on many occasions that we are headed toward an Orwellian nightmare, where George Bush controls the news and 'it's all good, all the time.' I cite these 'press releases' Baker has composed for public consumption. These are but the first few I found with a simple Google search:

MAJOR PRESS RELEASE NUMBER ONE FROM TAMARA BAKER

MAJOR PRESS RELEASE NUMBER TWO FROM TAMARA BAKER

MAJOR PRESS RELEASE NUMBER THREE FROM TAMARA BAKER

Her latest drivel in the Strib is aimed at bloggers. Apparently we are the vanguard of a new effort to wrest the printed word from those who write in the public interest. It's funny, but I haven't had any contact from the White House about this. I haven't been given my assignment.

One Step Forward; 579 Steps Back

Flash draws first blood in the Battle for Hoop Cred. Yes, George Washington U decided that they wanted no part of the first round upset cavalcade. Accordingly, they didn't even cover the spread. I owe Flash one beer.

Of course, even if I had won that bet, I'd be inclined to buy Flash a beer anyway.

He needs something to cry into.

If you haven't heard, or you're a myopic hockey hoser, Flash's pick to win it all, Kansas, was uncerimoniously bounced from the tourney by a team whose name I forget.

Buck-something.

It's not important. However, it is a rare moment in history indeed when you see someone mathematically eliminated from winning the office pool before the second round even begins.

As for me, I got 26 out of 32 correct picking most of the upsets (NC State, UAB, UWM). Quite respectable. If it makes Flash feel any better, I got the Kansas game wrong also. Of course, I had them losing in the sweet sixteen, but a loss is a loss.

In totally unrelated news: could one of you hockey hosers fisk the crap out of this for me? I'll be spending the rest of the day watching basketball, so I won't have an oportunity to do so. It's pretty easy pickings. Here's a sample:

In other words, Republicans for decades have wanted to control the press much as Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler did, by attacking and attempting to discredit independent journalism, and for them blogs are just the latest tool in their war. That's definitely newsworthy, but outside of the blogosphere, few publications will dare state this.

Would someone please bludgeon this to death for me? Call it a mini-fiskwah.

Thanks in advance!

Weighing in on the weighty issue of which sport is better

It seems LF touched a nerve with his Top 11 (ala Nihlist in Golf Pants) list of reasons basketball is better than hockey. If we had any readers in Minnesota's Iron Range, they're gone now.

In the short time between his enumerated slamming of our beloved sport, I have been deluged with requests for my opinion on the matter. Which is better; hockey or basketball? Millions are awaiting V-Toed-Bill's Solomonesque ruling to put the matter to rest.

And V-Toed-Bill says...

BASEBALL!

V-Toed-Bill's Top Five Reasons Baseball is Better Than Basketball and Hockey:

5. You gotta love a sport that is known as 'America's Pastime'

4. It's Summer when baseball is in season - Winter for the other two

3. Baseball has had only one major rules change in the last 100 years

2. Bottom of the ninth, tie score, bases loaded, two outs, three balls, two strikes - DRAMA!

1. A game played on green grass (I do not recognize the Metrodome as a baseball park) beats a game played on ice or hardwood anytime

Friday, March 18, 2005

Top 11 Reasons Why Hockey Sucks

2/29/08 WELCOME MORONIC HOCKEY MESSAGE BOARD HOSERS AND OTHER LOSERS WHO FOR WHATEVER REASON FEEL THE NEED TO GOOGLE "HOCKEY SUCKS" AND TROLL ABOUT A 3-YEAR-OLD BLOG POST:

The following post was one in a series of several tongue-in-cheek exchanges with another blogger, the backstory of which you are unaware. Rest assured in your tiny little insecure minds, that nobody here at Kool Aid Report actually thinks that hockey sucks.

You, on the other hand...

===================

11. Anything that Canadians are good at can't be worthwhile.

10. Anything that North Dakotans are good at can't be worthwhile.

9. True fast breaks are illegal.

8. Squashing an oppontent against a wall by plowing into him at 50 miles per hour is legal, but if you touch him with your hockey stick in an improper manner, it's a foul.

7. All that frenetic nonstop action yielding scores like: 1-0, 2-0, or 3-1.

6. The equipment is too cumbersome to allow for pantomime moonings.

5. The phrase "put the biscuit in the basket" is gay.

4. Penalty box? Deprivation of civil liberties without due process.

3. People with French surnames are allowed to play.

2. The game was invented for the sole benefit of white guys with 4-inch vertical leaps.

1. One word: "mullets".

The Worst...EVER

And I mean it; today’s lead editorial in the Star & Sickle is bad on so many levels it’s hard to know where to begin. Therefore, I will dwell on only one aspect of this piece of regurgitated monkey spleen.

Let me start with my conclusion: The editorial board at the Star & Sickle is filled with frauds and liars.

So, how do I know the S&S are frauds and liars? In their worthless rant they conveniently forget to talk about how press releases – and I mean all press releases – are handled.

If you’ve not read the spittle you can find it here.

I ask the S&S a simple question, do you, as a rule, reveal the source of press releases that make it into the daily rag you print?

Do you ever start a story with, “In a press release from my favorite leftie special interest group...”?

Have you ever revealed the source of the fat food scares as coming from Center for Science in the Public Interest? You may print the quote from their spokesman, but you never actually let your readers know that the story comes from the CSPI, do you.

Why do you print press releases as though they come from AP or Reuters, when they actually come from a special interest group?

Now I get it...BECAUSE THEY ARE KIND ENOUGH TO PUSH THE LEFTIST AGENDA YOU APPROVE OF.

Damn, but you SOBs really piss me off.

Pretending these particular releases are different because they come from the government – actually it’s that they come from W’s administration – is so void of any journalistic integrity.

How dare you complain about TV stations accepting the videos without fact checking? When was the last time one of your hack reporters asked a wacko environmentalist to source their claims that a two cycle engine running for an hour sends as much exhaust in the air as 750 SUVs without catalytic converts driving from Minneapolis to Duluth?

And you have the nerve to talk about principle? You have no principle. You have no consistency.

Now that W’s at the helm the practice of sending video press releases is, in your red eyes, an abomination. Not because he’s doing it – after all you admit this is not the first administration to do so. No you’re pissed off because he’s spent more money doing it that Billy Boy did in his second term.

How much more? You don’t say, but I’m willing to bet it amounts to almost nothing or you would have more than happy to say so.

Why is it you are suddenly concerned about tax payers footing the bill for something that’s been going on for years?

Now I get it...BECAUSE IT AIN’T YOUR GUY DOING IT. WHEN IT WAS BILLY BOY YOU WERE GLAD TO TURN A BLIND EYE BECAUSE HE WAS PUSHING THE LEFTIST AGENDA.

Do us all a favor, next time you get the urge to purge, try your best to keep the monkey spleen down.

Yet Another Open Letter to the Left-Wing Fraud Machine

Dear Sphincter Weasels,

I still haven't heard back from you. Are you ignoring me?

Well you shouldn't. I have more news from Milwaukee regarding the last election. You will want to hear about it. I'll explain why later.

In today's online edition of the Milwaukee Jenital, I noted this story:

At least 82 felons voted illegally in the presidential election Nov. 2 in Milwaukee, though the total is likely far higher, a new computer analysis by the Journal Sentinel has found.

Indeed, there are more than 600 potential matches between felons on probation and parole and names and middle initials of people who voted in the city. But a full analysis could not be completed by the newspaper because of a 2003 state law that bars access to birth dates of voters.

Before I go any further, I would like to offer serious props to Greg Borowski, the reporter who has clamped down on this story like a hungry rottweiler to a porterhouse and refuses to let go. We in the blogosphere like to shoot members of the MSM for sport, so I think it's only fair to compliment them for jobs well done.

Sorry for the digression, Sphincter Weasels. Back to my point.

The article mentions the felon vote in the 2000 elections:

Four years ago, the newspaper found that 361 felons voted illegally. Three were charged by McCann, but those charges were dropped when prosecutors couldn't establish that the felons knew they were ineligible to vote.

For the record, the McCann referred to in that last blurb is Milwaukee County District Attorney E Michael McCann. He's a Democrat. Let's review his score card from the 2000 election:

361 voting felons.
3 charged.
0 made it to a jury trial.

I thought you Democrats were so concerned about the integrity of the elections. You sure as hell were screaming bloody murder about it 5 months ago.

And then you became quite silent on the matter. Why? And you still haven't demonstrated any Republican-sponsored electoral malfeasance.

But the evidence is piling up against you guys: undeliverable voter registration cards, tire slashings, voting machines registering more votes than eligible voters in the (heavily Democratic) precincts they were used, and now as many as 600 voting felons.

Dare I say it? It's beginning to look like a pattern.

I know, I know. There's no evidence (yet) that felons voted for Democrats over Republicans. I'm just going out on a limb here assuming that convicted felons would not be a key Republican voting bloc.

So anyway, why am I telling you this? I just thought you might find the information useful. I remember back after the 2004 election, you guys did a lot of post mortems on why you were unable to mobilize the "young vote".

Well, here we have as many as 600 felons who voted. Having grown up in Milwaukee, I can tell you that that is a very small fraction of all the felons that live in that city.

I am merely offering you this information so that you may better ascertain why you were also unable to mobilize the "disenfranchised felon voter" bloc. I am sure your expectations were much higher, but 600 invalid votes is nothing to sneeze at.

Look forward to hearing from you soon!

Your Pal,

LearnedFoot

Basketblogging

You might think that the biggest sports story from yesterday was about a bunch of burly men testifying to congress that "Actually, my arms got to be the size of the Alaskan Pipeline over the course of six months because of my rigorous weight training regimen and a steady diet of corn flakes." You silly goose!

Of course, the really big story was that I picked 15 out the 16 winners in the NCAA tournament yesterday in the Non-Gambling Office Pool in which I am participating. (Yes, I also picked UAB to win, but I forgot to mention it when divulging my upset picks yesterday.) My only stumble was the Nevada - Texas game. I picked Texas because I love Tommy Penders. Nobody told me that Penders doesn't coach Texas anymore.

Anyway, there is someone else in the MOB who understands that there are collegiate sports other than hockey.

Thus the gauntlet has been thrown down, picked up, tossed about and spun on the tip of Flash's finger. The wager is as follows - [LearnedFoot's attorney whispers something in his ear].

My attorney informs me that this is not a wager. It's more like a highly legal, er, basketball-game-predicting contest. Because gambling is illegal.

Anyway, here are LearnedFoot's predictions:
  • UWM makes it to the Sweet Sixteen
  • George Washington over Georgia Tech (minus 5.5 points)
  • Illinois keeps with Big Ten tradition by underachieving its way out of the tournament before making it to the Final Four.

Flash says "yeah, right" on all three counts.

And hence the battle is joined.

Since this is a contest, and certainly not a wager, Flash and I are playing only for pride. However, once the outcomes of these, uh predictions are known, the party that was wrong might feel compelled in the spirit of goodwill and sportsmanship to purchase a certain number of tasty malted beverages for the winner, in an amount that corresponds to the number of correct predictions of the winning party.

[LearnedFoot looks at his attorney, who nods and gives him the thumbs-up.]

Bill and I will be in a local Irish pub next Thursday night, so Flash will have the opportunity to demonstrate his goodwill and sportsmanship to me. If you know what I mean.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Who's Yer Daddy?!!

Remember how I predicted that Wisconsin-Milwaukee (UWM) would get to the sweet sixteen?

And remember how, in the comments section, Flash called that "a stretch"?

Well...

They're halfway there baby!

The Panthaz won by ten in a game that wasn't nearly as close as the final score insinuates. And up next is a struggling Boston College squad or their scrub opponent.

By the way, Flash picks an Illinois - Kansas final. Sorry. Neither of those teams will even reach the final four. I point you to the above-mentioned game to demonstrate my hoop cred.

Ever heard of the ACC, Flash?

Perhaps Flash would like to engage in a few beer related wagers on the tournament?

I anxiously await his reply.

Government Hypocrisy

WARNING: IT TAKES ME A WHILE TO GET TO MY POINT SO HANG WITH ME.

I found another example of the paternalism of our state government the other day. Rather, I noticed it some time ago but was recently struck by the grand hypocrisy of it all.

What I saw is an example from the “Do as I say not as I do” category.

I bagging my groceries a few weeks ago, I noticed a large vending machine situated against the wall opposite the cashiers. Oddly enough, rather than dispensing sodas or candy, it was filled with Minnesota Lottery scratch-off cards. Imagine the convenience factor of being able to buy the latest and greatest games offered by our constitutionally created gambling enterprise.

Now, I’m no prude and I do buy the occasional scratch-off at my local convenience store, but I am more than a bit concerned that these machines are accessible by children who’ve not yet reached the age of 18.

And therein lays the hypocrisy found in the rules govern government versus those that govern us.

Remember cigarette machines? In the old days you could find one in every bar, restaurant and laundromat. In convenience stores they had those above the head, easy-to-reach dispensers. A clerk could have your Marlboros on the counter in two seconds.

Not any more. The machines are gone – too accessible to youngsters they said. First they put a lock on them that could only be removed by remote control – usually by the bartender. Then the moved the butts behind the bar.

Gone, too, are the above the counter dispensers. Too close to jr. and jrette. Government said.

We must save the children.

That’s why Joe Camel disappeared. Cartoons target kids. Made them want to smoke, you know.

It’s true. When my oldest was but 4 he wanted to purchase a life insurance policy. He saw Snoopy on one of those Met Life ads. I hate that damn pooch.

None of this stopped the MN Lottery from introducing that annoying little gopher running around on the hamster wheel. Or that stupid cartoon loon. Amazing how state sponsored cartoons that represent adult only activities have no impact on the little kiddies.

Now, they’ve given us the machines. My two-year-old can walk over to it and begin pushing buttons. Oh, nothing will come out, but I have to put up with the constant whining of all three – soon to be four – “can I have one, Daddy, pleeease?”
You tell me what’ more attractive a cigarette machine or a brightly lit scratch off dispenser with really cool illustrations.

Cigarettes bad. Lottery bad if one becomes addicted to gambling, but there are government funded programs to help you overcome your problem, and the money from the lottery goes to help the environment so overall the lottery is good.

And the Left wonders why we on the Right complain?

Am I the only one who has a problem with this?

Bracketeering

CAUTION: The following contains an extremely long run-on sentence.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Today is the day that some people who style themselves as though they have just gotten off the boat from Sligo toting their their only worldly possessions (a bag o' potatoes) simply because one of their grandparents was Irish and they own a Pogues CD, and despite the fact that they have names that sound not-at-all Irish, like "Rick Toleman", take the opportunity to get wildly drunk (or in the Irish vernacular, "pissed up") by 10:00 am and then run over some innocent pedestrian (who is probably more Irish than they are) while driving home.

I am going to do myself a favor and lock myself in my house (with a case of beer and a gallon-jug of green dye) and slip into a basketball coma.

Here are my upset picks for the tournament, on the record, so I can brag about it later. Or delete this post if I'm wrong:
  • Illinois will lose in the final 8 to Oklahoma State
  • Wisconsin-Milwaukee will stun the nation by making it to the round of sixteen
  • George Washington eliminates Georgia Tech in the first round
  • NC State knocks off Charlotte in the first round
  • And my Penzoil Five-Star Lock of the Week: Texas Tech to the Sweet Sixteen

Not that I have any vested interest in any of these results. Gambling is illegal.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Good news for U.S. and world means bad news for moonbats

Only the most disconnected person could look upon the events transpiring in the Middle East and elsewhere in the world and find the negativity where there is none. This long troubled area is undergoing a sea change; a transformation that almost certainly would not have begun without the military intervention of the United States via the Iraq invasion and subsequent overthrow of Saddam Hussein.

Make no mistake about it: While the stated purpose of the invasion was to secure Iraqi WMD's and to thwart further development, the real goal of the war was to catalyze the process now underway. The real goal was to plant democracy in the Middle East, and to let the regimes in Syria and Iraq know that their days are numbered.

That this goal seems on the verge of being realized so suddenly is just killing those who oppose this president. There are some who actually seem to root for stumbles and setbacks to the efforts, or a thwarting of them altogether, just so he does not get the credit. Take for example the sentiments expressed by two writers to our beloved Star & Sickle yesterday:

Strange bedfellows

"Now that Hezbollah appears to be more popular in Lebanon than the U.S.-supported anti-Syrian parties, is the Bush administration still calling for democracy there?"

George Moore, Minneapolis


Couple things about George (Michael) Moore's letter: Firstly, he is obviously refering to the bogus demonstration drummed-up by Hezbollah to take the edge off the demonstrations of the Lebanese people, who then showed up almost a million strong to counter the staged Syrian-backed gathering. Secondly, can't you just hear the pleasure in his writing at the prospect that the terrorist Hezzbolah party might actually prevail? Thirdly, YES!!! The president would still call for democracy there, you twit! You just started with a false premise so that you could write your invalid 'gotcha' piece. Happy man, aren't you George? Next!

Still too early

"Regarding democracy in the Middle East: Don't count those chickens before they're hatched."

Jack McHugh, Edina, MN

Actually, I agree with Mr. McHugh's pragmatic attitude. I just would'nt bother to write to a newspaper to express it, knowing full well it would lift the spirits of those who want the region to melt-down in tyranny again so as to stymie the president's efforts.

Is it any wonder most of these people are the same one's calling for cradle-to-grave welfare? With the pessimism so prevalent in the breed, there is no way they could forge their own trail and become self-sufficient. Big fat babies!

Jurisimprudence

Alert reader Bogus Doug asks:

Hey you law-talking guys -and I know there are some of you out there - question for you: What the f*ck? Sorry. Let me rephrase. What the f*cking, f*ck?!!!

I will try to rephrase Doug's question for the benefit of readers who don't know what he's talking about:

I say old chap, what is with this chuckleheaded judge in California declaring that laws restricting marriage to between one man and one woman unconstitutional? I dare say this judge is quite off his rocker, old bean!

Right you are Doug! He's guilty of fudging.

I've quickly read the opinion, and can offer some thoughts (the case is encaptioned In re: Coordination Proceeding, Special Title [Rule 1550(c) ], Marriage Cases. I can't find a free internet outlet for it, but the Westlaw cite is 2005 WL 583129). First some background:

This ruling invalidated two sections of California's Family Code: section 300, which has a parallel version in every state and states that inter alia, only members of the opposite sex may be married to each other; and section 308.5 which was adopted as a ballot initiative in 1999 (effective in 2000) which states in essence: "Hey, judge Kramer. You know that opposite sex marriage requirement? We really mean it." Kramer invalidated the statutes on an equal protection theory.

Under the California constitution, equal protection claims that involve a "suspect class" are subject to strict scrutiny. Under the strict scrutiny standard, the law in question must serve a compelling state interest and be narrowly tailored to achieve that end. Under this test, the proponent of the law (i.e. the State) has the burden of proving this.

California courts have decided that gender classifications are "suspect" and thus subject to strict scrutiny (in contradistinction to federal constitutional jurisprudence which, recognizing that there are some very real and fundamental differences between men and women, subject gender classifications to a more moderate "intermediate scrutiny").

Here's a pragmatic illustration of the nature of strict scrutiny: attorneys to the parties of such an action read the court's opinion on the matter, and when they get to the part where the court invokes strict scrutiny, they stop reading because they know the law in question is dead. They instead use the time saved by thinking about more important matters like collecting their fees.

But this decision is going to be eviscerated on appeal; most likely by the California Supreme Court, as there's not as many moonbats there as in the Court of Appeals.

Time to get out LearnedFoot's patented Argument Vaporization Ray.

First, let's look at how the court gets this law into the strict scrutiny box:

The idea that California's marriage law does not discriminate upon gender is incorrect. If a person, male or female, wishes to marry, then he or she may do so as long as the intended spouse is of a different gender. It is the gender of the intended spouse that is the sole determining factor. To say that all men and all women are treated the same in that each may not marry someone of the same gender misses the point. The marriage laws establish classifications (same gender vs. Opposite gender) and discriminate based on those gender-based classifications. As such, for the purpose of an equal protection analysis, the legislative scheme creates a gender-based classification.

Nice try. Let's inject some common sense here. The classification isn't about gender at all: it's about sexual preference. Period. The court can obfuscate and twist logic all it wants, saying that the purported gender discrimination lies with the one that the individual wants to marry, not the individual him /herself. Reread that last passage again. The tortured logic (e.g. an individual right attaches to someone other than the individual asserting that right) is the dead giveaway that indicates Judge Kramer was trying really, really hard to get the strict scrutiny standard to apply. He'd have a harder time striking the statutes under the much less rigorous "rational basis" test (party attacking the law has burden of showing that the law is not rationally related to a legitimate government interest - a very accommodating standard for the state), which would presumably otherwise apply. You can tell that's Judge Kramer's angle since he goes to great pains, to persuade us that these sections would also fail the rational basis test, even though he says that, because it's a gender classification, strict scrutiny applies (emphasis mine):

Since neither the parties' arguments nor any other matter properly available to this court demonstrate such a legitimate state interest, this court concludes that under the rational basis test, Family Code sections 300 and 308 .5 violate the equal protection clause of the California Constitution.

If it's so clearly a strict scrutiny case, why does Judge Kramer even bother applying the rational basis test?

Hmmmmm.

ZAP!

Let's address another argument in support of this decision. (Sorry, just one more, I'm running out of time).

The court tries to address the argument that the compelling interest (or a legitimate interest in the rational basis context) the state has in advancing opposite sex marriages while prohibiting same-sex ones, is the procreative nature of marriage and the establishment of the family as the basic social unit:

Under our present opposite-sex only law, marriage is available to heterosexual couples regardless of whether they can or want to procreate. As long as they choose an opposite-sex mate, persons beyond child-bearing age, infertile persons, and those who choose not to have children may marry in California. Persons in each category are allowed to marry even though they do not satisfy any perceived legitimate compelling governmental interest in procreation. Another classification of persons, same-sex couples, also do not satisfy any such perceived interest, yet unlike the other similarly situated classifications of non-child bearers, same-sex couples are singled out to be denied marriage.

OK. I will very tersely pound the shit out of this line of reasoning:

1.) People unwilling to have children at the time of marriage can (and have been known to) change their minds.

2.) Infertility can be (and often is) treated and reversed.

3.) In many contexts the law assumes that old women can bear children (ask me about the rule against perpetuities some time).

4) Other courts have considered these objections (I am recalling this from my bar exam review, if anyone has citations, please help me out) and have decided that given the foregoing, it would be a waste of everybody's time and, a colossal drain on resources to deal with each marriage on a case by case basis.

ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP

The court goes on to try and convince us that gay marriage can be procreative:

To be precise, same-sex couples can cause procreation. A female capable of producing children can be married to another female and become pregnant through various methods, then produce and raise the child in her same-sex union. Similarly, a same-sex male couple could cause a female to become pregnant, directly or otherwise, and later adopt and raise the child.

Even the judge must realize that this is a laugher because he put it in a footnote. In order for a monogamous gay marriage to produce children, there must be an affirmative intention to have children. That means that the parties engaging in artificial insemination or adoption would, if in their right minds, wait until they are able to raise a child. Married heterosexual couples can have accidents. And couples qua married couples are already equipped to handle such a situation. That's the whole point of marriage.

ZAP

So we have a judge who applied the wrong standard of review, supported his opinion with questionable logic and flouted the explicit will of the people. And I haven't even given this decision an exhaustive treatment.

Watch for this one to get vaporized at some level of appeal.