Thursday, June 30, 2005

I'm Back in the Village Again

The first person to tell me the source of that post header also has my undying admiration.

A big thanks to "the Head" for filling in for me. I know he's a busy body part, so his contributions are much appreciated.

Please forgive me if this post is a little haphazard. I'm a bit distracted trying to catch up on everything I missed. Unlike when I was in Nassau, I didn't burn myself to a crisp on this vacation, so I didn't have any laying-in-bed-writhing-in-agony-and-watching-TV-time.

Anyhoo, I spent the last few days with LittleFoot#1 in lovely Minocqua, Wisconsin. Very cool place. The downtown area is a ten block by ten block island chock full o' shops, restaurants and bars. Nifty aerial picture here. It's a little touristy, but not nearly as bad...er, not nearly as bad as...

OH MY GOD, THEY'RE GOING TO SHUT DOWN THE F**KING STATE GOVERNMENT????!!!!!!!!

Wow! Given the apoplectic reaction by some folks, it appears that the state controls our oxygen supply.

Thank goodness I made it back home before they closed the state! I don't know where I'd go if I got locked out.

Continuing. Lake Minocqua features a host of wonderful watering holes and restaurants that are accessible by boat. For me, this is an important feature that makes the vacationing experience special. There's nothing like hopping into your boat, docking at a bar, getting completely shnockered, an then embarking out into the dusky waters to find the next stop. It gives one the feeling...

WHAT? NOW GEORGE BUSH CAN'T SAY "SEPTEMBER 11th" ANYMORE????!!!!!

OK fine! Why don't we just all agree it never happened. Let's just forget that there is a region of the world stocked with fanatical religious uber-moonbats who kill Americans indiscriminately, that need money and weapons to continue their mission, and who had, until recently, a despot who had loads of both and shared their hatred of the United States.

DO YOU SEE THE "CONNECTION" NOW YOU F**KING IMBECILES?????!!!!

Sorry. Where was I?

Oh, the golf in the Nort' Woods is fabulous. I only managed to eke in one round. Luckily it was at the beautiful links at Timber Ridge. A wonderful course that is challenging yet fair. Having not golfed in almost a year, it took me a little time to rediscover my swing. Once I did, I was SMOKING the ball off the tee (I will refrain from mentioning the rest of my game). I had a number of drives that traveled well over three bills.

The fairways there were impeccably groomed, and the greens rolled consistently and true. Timber Ridge's signature hole is the... the, er... par 3 16th...

OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F**KING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!

Last fall, many members of the Marquette University community said in a university-sponsored survey that they felt Golden Eagles was a boring and all-too-common nickname for the school's athletic teams.

Fast forward to Wednesday. With Warriors out of the question and Gold quickly expunged after an embarrassing public relations and marketing mess last month, Marquette voters went back to the future and put the Golden Eagles back in business.

A nickname that the university admitted last year had failed to generate a strong sense of pride and identity is now the moniker the school intends to use as it begins competition this fall in the Big East Conference.

Oy veh! I need to go back to the lake.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Again with the repeal of property rights

I may be obsessing, but I can’t let this one go.

I hope you can stand one more post on eminent domain, because this editorial from the NY Times is a must-read for those who, like me, are more than a bit nervous after last week’s decision outlawing our right to private property.

Then there is this one written by Jim Miller, Executive Director of the League of Minnesota Cities, for the Star & Sickle.

Both are wonderful illustrations why falling in love with government is dangerous. The authors of both are asking us to relax and trust that elected bodies will exercise their power with proper restraint, that the power of eminent domain will only be used in extreme circumstances or as a last resort.

Forgive me if I don’t share their confidence.

For almost a week I’ve been hearing, and making up, worst-case scenarios about where this ruling can lead only to have those in favor of repealing property rights respond with something similar to, “what are the chances of this or that happening?”

My answer: Pretty damn good now that there is nothing to restrain government at any level of confiscating property for any perceived “community good.”

This decision is so broad; government can take any property it wishes as long as it can prove there is a better use for it, one that will improve the community.

In fact, the verbiage used by our Socialist friends at the NY Times illustrates just how much leeway governments now have for confiscating your property.

Take, for example, the following two excerpts:

It [the court’s decision] also is a setback to the "property rights" movement, which is trying to block government from imposing reasonable zoning and environmental regulations. Still, the dissenters provided a useful reminder that eminent domain must not be used for purely private gain.

The majority strongly suggested that eminent domain should be part of a comprehensive plan, and Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing separately, underscored that its goal cannot simply be to help a developer or other private party become richer.

Let’s focus, shall we on the phrases “purely private gain” and “strongly suggested…”

I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty impressed with the level of specifics in these two.

What is the threshold to determine if a gain is purely private? If a city can make one dime more, or one penny more for that matter, by taking property from one and giving it to another, then the gain is not “purely private.”

The second phrase is even scarier. It said, in total, “The majority strongly suggested that eminent domain should be part of a comprehensive plan and Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing separately, underscored that its goal cannot simply be to help a developer or other private party become richer.”

No orders here, just a suggestion. As for Justice Kennedy, his qualification is another way of stating “purely private gain.”

Let’s see, faced with a choice between increasing tax revenue and allowing long-term residents to keep their houses in a one-off project, which choice will your city council make.

Besides, any city can rationalize any takings by saying it’s part of an overall plan.

Let’s face it, folks. We’re screwed.

There is no longer any limit on what government can use as an excuse to take your property.

So now, I begin to wonder, if the city – not to mention county, state and feds – can take your property merely for the good of the community, how long will it be before they begin to regulate what you do on your property – for the greater good of the community, of course.

I’m not talking about not allowing you to store TNT or other explosives in your garage.

I’m talking about smoking – indoors or out, the ability to sit on the front step and have a cold beer after cutting the grass. What about firing up the grill, especially charcoal.

Each of these are liberties we take for granted now, but what if you have some nosy-assed neighbor who complains about the smoke from your Marlboro drifting into his yard? What if he wants to sell but can’t because nobody will pay the asking price because it’s too expensive for a house next to a smoker?

Don’t laugh, it’s coming and you know it.

All we need is one asshole to make the case that smokers drive down property values and, before you know it, government will start yelling greater good bullshit and you won’t be able to smoke in your yard or home.

If one takes it to the logical conclusion – this is really scary shit and we need to be ready to fight it.

In fact, we need to begin fighting it now. By the time it gets to regulating behavior in your home and yard, it’ll be too late.

So I'll Do My Wash In The Sink

The Strib says shutting down the state won't save money at all:

State officials estimate it would take more than six months of an extended shutdown before the state would realize any savings, and even then, the loss of state services would not be worth it.

"That's kind of like the laundry business down the street saving money by shutting their door and laying everybody off. Yeah, you save money, but you can't get your laundry done, either," said Cal Ludeman, commissioner of the Department of Employee Relations, which is coordinating the shutdown proceedings.

Riiiiight.

Let's assume for a moment a bureaucrat is going to give us the straight scoop about...the bureaucracy.

So what? This isn't happening because anyone is trying to save money. It's happening because the DFL can't fathom going another session without raising taxes - and then wants to paint Pawlenty's (misguided, dumb) attempts to meet them halfway as waffling.

The best analogy I can think of - they're trying to charge you for your cake and smear it on your suit jacket.

Attention

I can't stand anonymous posting.

All anonymous posters should be lined up and shot.

Many people ask me, "Why do you hate it when people post anonymously, when you do it yourself?"

My answer; "For starters, you don't know that my name is NOT Alfredo Garcia. Secondly, I am a blogger of no consequence, whereas there are anonymous bloggers out
there that DO aspire to making a difference. These people should be ashamed of posting anonymously.

Don't press me on this. I'm not someone who's going to be, say, digging into the public lives of our elected officials.

Everyone knows that excellence in journalism is direct function of credibility, and that requires accountability. This is an absolute.

(Anyone knows that there are exceptions:

Some of the authors of the "Federalist papers" were anonymous; of course, their efforts led us down the road to excessive federal control - but I digress.

Samizdat writers in the USSR were also anonymous - they needed to be.

However, those were exceptions.

Other examples?

Let me be blunt; they don't matter.

End the practice of trying to be an anonymous journalist, I say).

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Are Garrison Keillor and Deborah Caulfied Rybak sleeping together?

Considering the attention she’s heaping on St. Paul’s favorite Leftwing Looney, here and here one might think so.

I found the first one especially intriguing considering it was the play story on the front page of Sunday’s Star & Sickle.

Forgive me for not bowing to the big man, (and forgive me Northern Alliance for not canceling my subscription) but does this egomaniacal jackass really deserve a front page story describing how busy he is?

And, while I’m at it, doesn’t Debbie Rybak have more important things to report on like, say, the high number of murders that have taken place in Mineeapolis this year?

If this keeps up, Debbie’s going to have to buy a new set of knee pads.

That Long, Huh?

The reason the mainstream media is "better than blogs", of course, is they have systems of accountability (so things like Jim Boyd's editorials and Nick Coleman's columns could never get printed), and, of course, editors.

So you can read something like this morning's online headline:

Twin wins

Joe Mays twirled eight impressive innings in a 3-1 victory over the Royals Monday night as the Twins notched back-to-back victories for the first time since June.

I knew it was a rough season, but I had no idea it was that bad...


Monday, June 27, 2005

Democrat Party Restates Platform

WASHINGTON, DC - JUNE 27, 2005 - Howard Dean, chairman of the Democrat National Committee (DNC) announced today the main planks of the party's platform as it ramps up for the 2006 interim elections. Dean wants to consolidate all of the disjointed agendas and loosely affiliated messages of various factions into a newly formed cohesive base, and then communicate that platform to voters over the next 15 months.

Major components of the so called 'Platform of Hope' are said to include:
  • The idea that America sucks, and our presence on the earth has been a hinderance to the progress of older countries and societies
  • The American military is a bunch of losers who got lucky in World War II, and who have since not been able to win a war, and deserve to lose because of our arrogance
  • The people of this country have no idea as to how to run their own lives, and it takes an overbearing and protective government 'nanny' to shepherd an individual safely from cradle-to-grave
  • That the American economic model of free enterprise has saddled the country with the worst economy since the great depression, and only the extremely wealthy (those making over $100 thousand per year) can make ends meet
  • That we are the most racist society on the planet, and that it does not matter what has been done over the past 100 years in the arena of civil rights, or that President Bush has a cabinet that looks more like America and is more diverse than any administration in history, because all Republicans are racists and bigots
  • That every other nation on the earth hates us and it is our own fault, because we are selfish capitalistic pigs who only think about ourselves (unless there is a tidal wave, earthquake, flood, monsoon, genocide...)
  • That we have no right to protect ourselves from terrorists and to take preemptive measures against them, because if we get attacked, we must have done something to deserve it
  • That criminals deserve even more rights because after all it is society who made them the way they are
  • That anyone's lifestyle, no matter how repulsive or morally antithetical to mainstream Americans, must be celebrated, taught, and championed in public institutions like schools, and in the private sector - even if that means new laws to 'normalize' the lifestyle

Dean said that other planks will be added as the DNC hears from other factions in its wide-ranging voter base. There is some talk about proposing a law to make religion illegal, but this proposal by powerful atheist constituencies in the party is strongly opposed by pagan witch covens whose practices would be outlawed. Dean promises that all of these little differences between the factions can be worked out, and that the party will bring a united front against the Republicans come next November.

What Will Non-Monkey Say?

Governor Pawlenty is proposing locking a group of legislative leaders in a cabin at Camp Ripley until the budget is settled.

Expressing frustration over a budget logjam that has put the state on the verge of a partial government shutdown, Gov. Tim Pawlenty late Sunday proposed flying to Camp Ripley this morning with all legislative leaders in tow and locking the door to an isolated cabin until an agreement is reached.

Pawlenty made the unprecedented proposal after receiving an offer from Senate DFLers that he described as "not particularly helpful."

Pawlenty ordered the state plane fueled and sent letters to four legislative caucus leaders, instructing them to have their bags and toothbrushes packed.

"What we're doing now isn't working," Pawlenty said.

He described Camp Ripley, an Army base between Brainerd and Little Falls, "as a nice controlled setting," where only the five leaders will be ensconced, without lobbyists, staffers or the media. Intruders would be escorted off the grounds, Pawlenty said.

Senate DFL leaders reacted without enthusiasm to the proposal, saying the public would not appreciate the cloistered "College of Cardinals" approach to conducting negotiations.

I don't know. I think the public is going to love the idea of the governor keeping the "leadership" in a building surrounded by armed guards and patrolled by attack helicopters until they actually get their job done.

And who's going to love it the most? The non-monkey himself. Imagine how Nick "Mr. Sensitive" "Buttbuddy" Coleman - the guy who has brought the glorious tradition of the gay bashing joke back to life - is going to react to this?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Reassurance

Welcome. I am called "The Head of Alfredo Garcia", but you may call me "The Head of Alfredo Garcia".

I'll be filling in for Learned Foot for the next couple of days.

Losing Foot to (yet another) break is one of those things that can upset one's worldview, making the world seem unsettled and unstable.

It's at times like this that one needs the stability of knowing that Jim Nabors still has a record contract.

You're welcome.

Friday, June 24, 2005

My Heart is Heavy as I Turn My Back to Leave (again)

The first person who can tell me the source of that post header has my undying admiration. Call it Friday trivia.

Anyhoo, I'm going on another vacation; this time to the bucholic environs of northern Wisconsin. As the internet has yet to reach that area, there will again be a protracted Silence of the Foot.

But do not despair (as if), for a Special Mystery Guest Blogger will be standing in my stead. Please be nice to him. He's a large man who likes guns.

See ya' Thursday.

P.S. There's talk that podcasting may be coming to KAR.

[The entire blogosphere engages in a collective, simultaneous shutter.]

Taking for “Public Use”

I’ve been thinking about how best to take advantage of yesterday’s Supreme Court Ruling. It seems to me the majority of 5 left open the definition of “public use” and exactly how governmental bodies can apply the doctrine – man I hate writing like this, makes me sound like a lawyer.

Anyhow, I started thinking about just how far one can take the ruling without running afoul of the spirit or letter of the law and realized that the ruling cannot be confined to commercial use only. Here are a couple of scenarios that might work.

1. I win the lottery and, although I don’t want to move, I want a bigger and better house. That being the case I decide the best thing for me to do is convince the city council to “take” my adjacent neighbors’ homes and sell them to me so I can build a huge mansion that will command more in taxes than the total of the homes that currently occupy the properties.

2. How about if I go into a neighborhood looking for a new house and don’t find what I want, but I do find a home that is of lower value than the homes around it. I approach the owner with an offer to buy the property and am rebuffed. What other option do I have than to go to the city council and tell them of my plan to purchase the property and rehab so it has a value commensurate with it’s neighbors. I ask them to condemn the property so I can buy it from them and move ahead with my plan.

What a great country.

What a great day for those who believe the Constitution is a “living breathing document.”

What a great day for lovers of Socialism.

What a great day for those who wish to do away with private property rights.

What a sad, sad day for the rest of us.

So...What Do You Think of Our Living and Breathing Constitution Now?

Do you get it now, lefties?

This case should serve as a whack upside your head with a 2 by 4 (made of an especially hard wood - like cherry, or something like that). We keep telling y'all about government by judicial fiat. We've warned you of the dangers of constantly reinterpreting language and redefining words in the Constitution to make it accede to your desired results. But you kept on shouting empty epithets back at us like "interests of justice" (as if you know what that word means) and "independent judiciary" as arguments against our concern with an imperial court unbound by the letter and the spirit of the Constitution.

What do you say now, oh defenders of the "little people"?

Let's take a brief look at how the Court, or rather the moonbat wing of the Court, animated the Constitution this time.

The 5th amendment provides:

...nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Got that? Wait, let me add emphasis:

...nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Now, a Scalia would read this as the authors of the Constitution meant it: private property may be taken only if it is for a public use, and just compensation is paid (of course, Scalia would have put it much more eloquently, and would not have used the passive voice). This is unquestioned and has precedential roots that are over 100 years old. The court's malfeasance lies in how it defines a "public use":

It's a land use that creates more property tax revenue than the current use - even if the ultimate owner of the taken land is a private company (not "corporation" - another word that moonbats have no clue as to its meaning).

Do you believe that's what the takings clause means when it says "public use"?

Of course you don't. You may be a moonbat but you're not stupid brain dead.

Aw hell. It doesn't matter. They may take your house so that Krispy Kreme can build a new store, but at least you still have your precious "independent judiciary". So it's all good, right?

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Private Property Rights Outlawed

All but outlawed, that is. Today’s 5-4 ruling, with the Socialist wing of the Supreme Court winning, has effectively put an end to private property rights in this country.

Thanks, Lefties.

From what I can tell, the Left side of the court has left it up entirely to city councils to determine what is or is not a community benefit.

I don’t know about you, but this scares the hell out of me.

If your local council can condemn your property because a develop wants to put up a strip mall, what’s to keep them from condemning it with the hope of attracting a developer to put up a strip mall?

Now do you see why we need new leadership in the Senate? If Bill Frist was incapable of getting W’s appellate court nominees confirmed without help from the seven dwarves, what’s he going to do when Rehnquist steps down and W appoints a good conservative?

He’s gonna buckle like a tin shed in a tornado.

We need someone, anyone with a spine as Senate Majority Leader.

Perhaps one could preempt the local politicians and solicit a developer to purchase their property for development.

Hmmm? I’ll have to think on that one.

Moonbats: Nota Bene...

that the dissent in this case was joined by the conservative wing of the court.

Remember when Justice Kennedy was a conservative? *sigh* Those were the days...

That is all.

Moron Dick Mail

Who's more foolish - the fool or the fool who follows him? - OW Kenobi

Another "person" that "thinks" the air-free side of the pond is more attractive:

Most of the letters attacking Sen. Dick Durbin's comments regarding the torture of prisoners seem to have a "yes, but look what they're doing to us" theme. Consequently, their writers miss the point.

That's an awfully presumptuous use of the word "torture" there, pal. At best, it's arguable whether or not the treatment Dick describes was "unduly harsh," let alone torture. Here's a question to ask yourself, moonbat: Is it possible that maybe - just maybe - the prisoner in question did something to merit a punishment? And if not, why weren't all the prisoners there bound hand and feet in the fetal position? (*whoa* Thinking about stuff is cool). They have solitary confinement in American prisons. Is that "torture"? Second, as to the "look for what they're doing to us" argument you assail: you're right. Our forces should have just shot them on the battlefield while they were still pointing guns at our boys.

I doubt that any one of those writers is unaware of the adage "Two wrongs don't make a right." America is better than that; at least it used to be.

Again, if you are operating under the assumption that cranking up the A/C in Cuba is "torture," then I guess America isn't better than that. Though I'll bet that in your eyes, America isn't better than much.

The idea that anything goes during wartime, or that the ends justify means, flies in the face of the Geneva Conventions, embraced by all civilized nations -- including ours.

The Geneva Conventions do not apply. Haven't you been paying attention? But it makes no difference, since what you believe constitutes "torture" is really no worse than an extended visit to the in-laws.

Daniel R. Krueger, Minneapolis.

Hey that's a German name. Weren't there Nazis in Germany?...

Sorry about the Nazi remark. It's wrong to assign an inapt label to something based on an overbroad analogy. Isn't it?

(Think about that last line a little more until you get it...)

Soon, We Will Become More Powerful Than You Can Possibly Imagine

The last 24 hours have seen:

1) A MOBster abandon his dreams of becoming a NARNie, paying fealty to KAR; and

2) Everyone's favorite ersatz nonmonkey do the book meme at my bidding.

I think your fantasies of world domination are quite premature, ladies. With the coercive influence we possess, you cannot win.

KAR Sells Out

Our latest attempt to generate revenue failed miserably. KAR marketing research showed that people are somewhat hesitant to pay gobs of money for things they were already getting for free. Therefore, we are altering our strategy: we will try to sell "stuff".

The KAR Gear store is now open! Click here or use the link on the sidebar.

We have several design lines in the works. Our first line release is our "Nickname of Shame-wear". Shamewear was designed for both the Marquette alum - to expess his / her dismay at the the ineptidude of Marquette's administration - and also for the condescending domer who wish to rub salt into the wounds of ashamed Marquette fans. Get yours today!

Coming soon: our Anti-moron line.

NOTE: If you are niether a Marquette basketball fan nor a domer, but you are a hot and sexy lady, we've got a product for you as well!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Double Rat Farts!

More outstanding quotes from Caddyshack from the comments to the first installment:

Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I never slice!

I'm a veg, Danny.

TY: What's wrong with lumberyards? I own two lumberyards.
DANNY: I notice you don't spend a lot of time there.
TY: I'm not sure where they are.

Night putting - just putting, at night... with the 15 year old daughter of the dean.

You buy a hat like that, they should give you a bowl of soup with it . . . it looks good on you, though.

Now I know why tigers eat their young.

Somebody stepped on a duck.

A flute with no holes is not a flute. And, a doughnut with no hole is a Danish.

Thank you very little.

We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason.

You must've been something before electricity.

People don't say that about you, as far as you know.

How bout a Fresca?

***

Keep 'em coming.

It's silly, but I'll play along

I usually don't take part is such exercises, but if it will help me be part of the "in crowd", I'll give it a try.

Total number of books owned:

Millions, if I can count library books. After all, my tax dollars have helped to purchase them so I guess I can claim some level of ownership.

If library books are out, I'd say 1500 to 2500. Not a lot, but enough to make me dangerous.

Last book I bought
Buzz Marketing with Blogs for Dummies. Take all the shots you want now, Lefties. I'm building a business case to start a company blog.

Last Book I Read
I've two going at the present time: Citizen Soldier by Stephen Ambrose and Peace Kills: America's Fun New Imperialism by P.J. O'Rourke.

Five Books that mean alot to me

  1. When Character was King by Peggy Noonan
  2. Lincoln on Leadership by Donald T. Phillips
  3. The Words Lincoln Lived by by Gene Griessman
  4. Good to Great by Jim Collins
  5. Only The Paranoid Survive by Andrew S. Grove

I've neither the time nor the deisre to go into how each of these have impacted my life - personal and professional - as I still have much catching up to do after being home to help the three existing wee ones begin adjusting to the new wee one.

Next!

Durbin's non-apology

Dick Durbin is a disgusting, morally blind human being.

His apology was not worth the time used to write it or the oxygen consumed to speak it.

Piss on you, Dick Durbin and piss on the worthless, ass-covering words you hope will pull your backside out of the fire.

You may not know it yet, but this one aint going away. You can’t smear the United States the way you did and make it better simply by offering a non-apology.

You are an idiot because you can’t or won’t admit that you committed a wrong, a massive wrong, against this country:

"I am sorry if anything I said caused any offense or pain to those who have such bitter memories of the Holocaust, the greatest moral tragedy of our time. Nothing, nothing should ever be said to demean or diminish that moral tragedy.

"I am also sorry if anything I said cast a negative light on our fine men and women in the military. ... I never ever intended any disrespect for them. Some may believe that my remarks crossed the line. To them I extend my heartfelt apology," Durbin said, choking on his words.

Where’s the part about, “I made a bad analogy. There is no comparison between the United States policies and those of Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot. Holy cow, did I screw up.”

It aint there because you don’t for a second believe you did screw up. The evils that define Hitler’s Nazi Germany, Stalin’s Soviet Union and Pol Pot’s Cambodia are the most horrific of the 20th century, yet you still believe that alleged prisoner abuses at Gitmo are equivalent.

Show me the bodies you pig.

Show me the mass graves, the ovens, the ashes falling from the sky. Show me the women, children, whole families laying dead with bullets in their heads. Show me the twins subjected to brutal experiments ala Joseph Mengele. Show me the barracks with prisoners stacked like cordwood. Show me the prisoners malnourished to the point

Show me the evidence for what you said and I’ll back you up. Until then, move to the back of the room and shut your f-ing mouth!

Infected

When I was a kid, I thought I was immune to the chicken pox. While one by one all my classmates got their week off to scratch themselves to death at home, I was always spared. Then, when I was 14, my little brother got them, and there was no escape.

Likewise, I thought I might be out of the woods regarding this virulent book meme. Alas...

[Shaking fist] DAMN YOU CHAD!!!!!

Total number of books I ever owned:

Thousands. I used to work at a textbook store.

Last book I bought:

Grisham: The King of Torts. Having spent nearly all of the first part of the 21st century reading roughly 2,967,690,744 pages-worth of judicial opinions, I am still catching up on my "fun" reading.

Come to think of it, I don't think I will read another work of non-fiction for the rest of my life.

Last book I read:

Same. What kind of dumb meme is this anyway?

Five books that mean a lot to me:

1) Anthem, Ayn Rand. (Oh look! A wingnut proclaiming a Rand book to be important how original!) Actually this book is great for three reasons:

a. It is so compelling: I read it in high school: checked it out of the library 2nd period, and had it finished by 7th period. This explains my C in College Algebra.

b. It's demonstration of the importance of the individual was, and still is, the greatest indictment of the failures of Soviet-style communism; and it was written before Ms. Rand's editor started to fear her; and it was written before she stretched her philosophy too far wherein the primacy of the individual fell off of the cliff into selfishness. And,

c. It inspired 2 outstanding songs by Rush, including the 25 minute-long progressive rock epic 2112.

2) Dave Barry - Dave Barry Slept Here. The funniest parody ever written. Period. It informs my writing style to this day.

3) The Cliff's Notes to the Great Gatsby. Ensuring that I would never, ever have to read beyond the second chapter of that awful, awful book. (NOTE: I would have included the Cliff's Notes of The Scarlet Letter for the same reason, but I just could not get through it.)

4) Ann Coulter - Slander. One could say that this was the first book that really punched back hard at all those loser moonbats who had been so successful for so long at painting conservatives as unenlightened, backwater drooling rubes. It informs my writing style to this day. (Yes, I am the love child of Dave Barry and Ann Coulter.)

5) Bar-bri Multistate Bar Exam Tome o' Practice Questions. Without which, I doubt I would have passed the bar exam.

Who Gets Annoyed With This Next:

Is there anybody left?

How about Dementee (who actually has already been tagged by Mitch) with the added question: Which book tastes better: Keillor's Homegrown Democrat, or Franken's Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, or a pile of shit?

And V-Toed Bill, so he has something to write about.

Northern Alliance Wannabe needs some traffic, so I'll bother him too. However, I will let him off the hook if he changes the name of his blog to "KAR Wannabe".

But most importantly: I am really REALLY interested in seeing what the proprietor of this blog has to say.

Rat Farts!

The American Film Institute released its list of the top 100 movie quotes of all time.

The following films are notable by virtue of the fact that each had only one quote that made the list:

Animal House, and...

Caddyshack.

!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!

You have GOT to be kidding me. Caddyshack could have filled the list alone. Granted, the line they went with was a good one ("Cinderella story, kid outta nowhere..."), but there are so many great lines in that movie that people have been known to hold conversations that consist only of lines from Caddyshack.

Here are some that were missed:

* We've got a pool and a pond. The pond would be good for you.

* Don't sell yourself short judge - you're a tremendous slouch.

* I don't play golf... for money...against people.

* Oh Mrs. [Forgot her name], you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between. Bark like a dog. Bark like a dog!

* License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit, ever. They're like the Viet Cong - the Varmint Cong.

* Pick up that blood!

* TY: You take drugs Danny?
DANNY: Every day, sir.
TY: Good. Good.

* TY: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.
DANNY: It's hard when you keep talking like that.

* He called me a baboon! He thinks I'm his wife!

* Hey Wang. This is an exclusive club - don't let them know you're Jewish.

* This is a cross of Kentucky Bluegrass California Sensemilia. The great thing about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus on it that night on this stuff.

* I was born to love you
I was born to lick your face
I was born to rub you
But you were born to rub me first

* I wanna be good, sir!

* And of course:

So I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace - striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga munga. Gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the round and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort," and he says, "Oh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

By no means an exhaustive list. Discuss.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Taken to the woodshed

So, Bill Frist says there aint gonna be no vote, that is, until he meets with W at the Whitehouse.

In this case, I think one can refer to the Whitehouse as the woodshed. My fervent hope is that W gave his spineless Senate Majority leader the verbal thrashing he so richly deserves.

What a site it must have been to see Billy walking from the capitol building with his head down and his tail between his legs. One can almost picture him kicking at pebbles and as he whimpered about deciding not to bring the Bolton nomination to a vote.

Be a man you weasel. Grow a freaking spine and start exhibiting the leadership worthy of the Grand Old Party.

I bet W whooped your ass good. He must’ve if you came out of that lunch singing a different tune.

I swear, if the Republican leadership had half the balls of the President, his agenda would have been passed and implemented by now. And the deal struck by the seven dwarves would never have seen the light of day.

W needs to get all his fellow GOPers in a room and let them know what will and will not be tolerated. If these candy asses can’t get a nomination through, how in the hell can he expect them to stand up for his legislative agenda.

Strib Editorial Super Happy Fun Contest!

Given the activity at KAR, not to mention on other blogs, the exercise in abject stupidity in today's Strib may spawn a miniature local blogswarm.

I think that instead of getting all frothy on the Pinheads of Portland Avenue (yet again), we should have some good old fashioned fun. I propose the following contest:

Write a Strib-style editorial defending that famous screed by Nakita Kruschev that featured this infamous line:

...it doesn't matter whether the Soviet Union exists. If you don't like us, don't accept our invitations, and don't invite us to come to see you. Whether you like it our not, history is on our side. We will bury you!

The winner, as judged by the Managing Editor of KAR, may win a fabulous prize (Yes! KAR Gear is coming).

Get cracking.

The Star & Sickle becomes irrelevant

I know many have declared the S&S’s irrelevancy long ago. Myself included – if not in so many words.

But today’s lead editorial proves, once and for all, that the pointy-headed elitists on the editorial board have a worldview that can only be appreciated by the most strident anti-American Lefties.

If I didn’t say that clear enough, let me spell it out for you: The sanctimonious jerks inhabiting the editorial board of the state’s largest daily are America-haters to the core.

By now the world knows what the ignoramus senator from Illinois, Dick Durbin, said regarding Gitmo and it’s equivalence to Nazi death camps, gulags and Pol Pot’s killing fields.

By now the world also knows that Dick Durbin is an idiot for making such a reckless comparison and for his ham-handed non-apology.

But, while Dick is saying he’s been misunderstood, the S&S is encouraging him to stand by his words. To affirm his position that the United States of America is no better than Hitler, Pol Pot and Stalin.

How can they be filled with so much hatred for W, that they loose all perspective, all sense of proportion. In their world, someone convicted of assault is the moral equivalent of a serial killer. It’s a logically bankrupt perspective, to be sure, but one that is popular with anti-Americans.

A few excerpts (and comments), if I may:

Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill., set off a firestorm last week when he compared U.S. treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo to practices employed by Nazis, Soviets, Pol Pot and their ilk. [Damn right he set off a firestorm, he took a demonstrably false comparison to the floor of the Senate and spewed his venom for the world – enemies included – to hear]

Durbin apologized if his remarks had been "misunderstood." They weren't, and Durbin should not have apologized. [Stick to your guns, Dick. Keep handing the Islamofascist dirtbag pigs ammunition they can use to rile the faithful and recruit homicide bombers]

Durbin was spot on in his assessment of Guantanamo. [Hey, assholes, have you ever actually spoken to a survivor of the Nazi camps or read anything about Stalin’s murderous reign or Pol Pot’s penchant for the systematic torture and murder of innocent people?] That's why he was so roundly attacked. He told the truth. And his message is of vital importance; the United States is better than this. [First, he lied. Second, yes, we are better which is why allegations of abuse are investigated and prosecuted. But you, in your visceral hatred for our President and his policies neglect to mention that.]

The right would prefer to get into a senseless argument about whether "we" are better than the Nazis or Saddam Hussein or the Soviets or Pol Pot or whomever a critic of Guantanamo might raise as a comparison. [Senseless argument? When a sitting senator invokes the names for the most murderous regimes of the 20th century and compares them to the United States of America, there is nothing senseless about the argument. In fact there is no argument. We are better.]

The senator should stop apologizing and keep up the criticism of the hellhole America's military has created at Guantanamo. [You have no idea what a hellhole is and to continue this course of argument demeans the memories of those who lived and died under Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Saddam, and in the September 11 attacks.]

I would love to stick your collective asses on the 90th floor of a burning building and see if you think it compares to being shackled in the fetal position. I wonder if living in a cell at over 100 degrees is comparable to having a 2000 degree fire burn just a few floors below. How about the decision to burn to death versus jumping 90 floors to your death and telling the interrogator what they want to know versus being forced to listen to rap music.

The pointy-headed elitists at the S&S and the rest of the America-hating Left are sick and depraved to believe that what is happening at Gitmo is in any way comparable to Nazi death camps, Stalin’s gulags or Pol Pot’s killing fields.

Now I’m really going to tweak you: Durbin should be more than censured. He should be drummed out of any leadership role in the Senate (ala Trent Lott) and, if I had my way, forced to resign his seat.

What this man said is irresponsible and dangerous. It’s one thing when the long-haired hippies marched and chanted anti-American slogans during Vietnam. But when a Senator takes to the floor and makes these asinine comparisons, he’s handing the enemy sound bites that will last for years.

It is the equivalent of shouting “fire” in a crowded theater and should be handled as such.

Goodbye Star & Sickle.

See you in the checkout line at Cub, with the rest of the tabloids.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About the Strib's Editorial Writers

Still Life is one of the better songs on Iron Maiden's watershed album "Piece of Mind". Depending on whom you talk to, the song is based on a short story by some author named Ramsey Campbell, Tolkien's The Two Towers, or a story from Greek mythology (though I may be getting it confused with the story of Narcissus).

In any event, the song tells a story about a guy who sees faces in a pond. They look happy and content. He goes insane and believes that life would be better on their side of the pool, so he convinces his wife to come with him to the bottom of the pool.

They drown.

Today, the Strib sees the face at the bottom of the pool, and it is Dick Durbin:

When you read some of the graphic descriptions of what has occurred here -- I almost hesitate to put them in the record, and yet they have to be added to this debate. Let me read to you what one FBI agent saw. And I quote from his report: "On a couple of occasions, I entered interview rooms to find a detainee chained hand and foot in a fetal position to the floor, with no chair, food or water. Most times they urinated or defecated on themselves, and had been left there for 18-24 hours or more. On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold. ... On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees. The detainee was almost unconscious on the floor, with a pile of hair next to him. He had apparently been literally pulling his hair out throughout the night. On another occasion, not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor."

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime -- Pol Pot or others -- that had no concern for human beings. Sadly, that is not the case. This was the action of Americans in the treatment of their prisoners.

And like our protagonist in the above noted heavy metal epic, the Strib stares intently at the face in the bottom of the pool, finds the visages agreeable in its quickly warping world view, and makes the snap decision to dive right in, in a fit of pique:

The heat got so bad that, late in the week, Durbin apologized if his remarks had been "misunderstood." They weren't, and Durbin should not have apologized.

Instead, the senator should have hit back hard, just as the Amnesty International did when its comparison of Guantanamo to the Soviet gulag was attacked. By caving in, Durbin did just what the orchestrated right-wing smear effort required to succeed: It made him the story rather than focusing further attention on the outrageous violations of international law and human rights being perpetrated in Guantanamo and elsewhere in the name of the American people.

Let's never mind for the moment that the "apology" was nothing more than a covert insult ("Silly wingnuts! You misunderstood me. See, I'm smart and you are dumb!"). Let's never mind that what these dumbshits consider "torture" are, in the worst cases, acts by individuals going outside the scope of protocol and not policy handed down from the commander in chief (though they so dearly want it to be), and in other cases the level of suffering doesn't even approach that of sitting through a Robert Altman movie.

The real disgrace of Durbin's comments was the propaganda ammo he gave to the enemy based on a hyperbole so exaggerated that one may mistake it for a parody written on this blog. But it wasn't. He meant it.

Pol Pot didn't bother building prisons. He just summarily killed the inconvenient. Hitler and Stalin killed the innocent. In great big numbers - not the 500 held in Gitmo. I don't think Buchenwold had air conditioning.

Oh, and if turning the air conditioning up too high is "torture", then Mrs. Foot ought to be brought in front of the World Court immediately.

Durbin's completely out of touch with reality.

And the Strib wants to be right there with him.

It's not surprising. When someone with power and a high profile says something that you've been thinking for a long time, it inspires deafening applause from the echo chamber lauding the great truth-teller, even though the assertion is 100% bullshit. You see it everywhere. Even on the right (Michael Savage's name immediately pops to mind).

Hey! That guy really makes sense! I'm so blinded to reality by my apoplectic hatred of this administration, I don't care if what he's saying is or is not apt. I want it to be, and that's all that matters. I am so taken with this beacon of truth that I think I'll jump right in there with him.

*splash*

*glug*

Monday, June 20, 2005

This Message Brought to You by the Kind, Loving, Tolerant and Inclusive Left

Mitch causes a moonbat to come unhinged. Well, more unhinged. From a comment thread today at Shizzle in tha Dizzle:

you are an idiot and i should come and kill you.

liberals are better people and funnier.

The irony is stupefying.

Moron Memos

We're baaaaaaaaaack:

My deepest appreciation goes to the Star Tribune editorial pages for printing the leaked minutes and memos regarding the secret march to war with Iraq.

In the Downing Street minutes, we learn "[T]here was little discussion in Washington of the aftermath after military action."

In the latest, British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw wrote in March of 2002, "We have also to answer the big question -- what will this action achieve? ... Most of the assessments from the U.S. have assumed regime change as a means of eliminating Iraq's WMD threat. But none has satisfactorily answered how that regime change is to be secured, and how there can be any certainty that the replacement regime will be better."

Herein lies the current crisis. This administration willfully ignored all planning and advice regarding a war on Iraq, and now there are tens of thousands dead or maimed. Yet the president and his cronies think they can win this war by simplistically denying the truth and stubbornly "staying the course."

Only a child believes that shouting louder will change the facts.

Lisa van Dyke, Minneapolis.

How about if I shout the facts louder, you dimbulb? Then will you get it?

I'm betting "no".

Here's the perspective from those of us with a Goodyear Blimp's vista of the forest to all you van Dykes out there who continue to pick tree bark out of your teeth:

It doesn't freaking matter.

You folks are wondering why there's no uproar over these memos?

Because it doesn't matter.

Remember back before September of 2001. Remember how every world leader fretted openly about Saddam's weapons programs and aggressive nature. Worry based upon the thinnest of evidence such as a 10 year war of aggression against Iran (featuring the use of those lied-about chemical weapons) and the invasion of a weak neighbor?

And remember how Iran had all that oil that we supposedly went to war (twice) over; providing this rather aggressive dictator with an unlimited river of money into his military-industrial complex?

And remember how the Middle East has been an unstable cesspool of violence since the Middle Ages?

And remember how 19 people from that very same unstable cesspool of the world killed a whole bunch of people on our own soil (not to mention the other countless incidences of bloodshed that can be traced back to a group of people from a region where the only law is God's law, and He doesn't mind the killing of "infidels")?

Of course you do - you folks have "historical perspective".

[CAUTION: RUN-ON SENTENCE ALERT]

So, after the September 11th attacks the choice was to either maintain the status quo (status quo meaning Saddam gaming both the weapons inspectors and the oil for food program in perpetuity, and, given his personality and hatred for this country, douse these islamo-fascists in all the money they could spend) allowing the most destabilizing force in the most unstable part of the world to keep on keeping on, or something could be done about it. Something that was the policy of the previous administration. Something that would require short-term pain in pursuit of a long-term good. So when Jack Straw says that regime change isn't a "legitimate reason" for invasion, it's the opinion of one man following in the storied foreign policy tradition of another woefully misguided Brit politician [CAUTION: RIGHT WING CLICHE' ALERT!] Neville Chamberlain, not an "indictment" of the war.

WMD were part of the equation, but not an indispensable part of it.

But you guys keep on opining by hindsight. You can keep on saying "the adminstration didn't plan this" or "no WMDs that" based on the leaked memo du jour that uses language suspiciously similar to your own, which was eminating from every oriface of your body well before the statues fell.

Because it doesn't prove you right about the big picture. Because it doesn't matter.

It's like looking at the Sports page to see who won yesterday's games, then running to the sports book to bet on them.

The only people who would take such a bet are the chronically stupid.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

In Defeat We Are Still Kind, Bud

Colorado has won the Great Quarter Kerfuffle of 2005. Consistent with KAR's reputation as even-tempered and gracious folk, we salute our betters in Colorful Colorado.

As a gesture of goodwill toward our conquerors, Bill and I have decided to present Coloradans with a gift.

I suspect that the voters in the poll based their choices more on a sense of regional pride than on the superiority of the design. Let's face it: a picture of a mountain hardly distinguishes Colorado from other places that have similar looking landscapes: Montana, Washington, Alaska, Idaho, Wyoming, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, California, substantial portions of Canada, Chile and Peru. Colorado needs a quarter design that accentuates a characteristic peculiar to its population. A generic mountain and a misleading slogan (I've flown over Colorado several times and I can only describe it as "brown and white") does not do the good people of that state justice.

The KAR art department, ably led by V-Toed Bill has come up with a new design to celebrate Colorado based on a compelling characteristic of her people that came to light this week:




Again, KAR congratulates the good people of Colorado on their victory. Have some Doritos on us!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Quarter Wars: One Mystery Solved

This should prove to be the "October Surprise" of the Great Quarter Election of 2005.

Many of us clear-headed sentient folks have expressed confusion as to the design of Colorado's quarter. The silver on silver coin sports the motto "Colorful Colorado" beneath a picture of (what is likely) a grey and white mountain. Are they color blind?

No. They're stoned:

Both college towns, Boston and Boulder, Colo., share another distinction: They lead the nation in marijuana use.

This revelation should prove to be the knock-out punch. What would the public prefer: a lovely bucholic scene feauring a popular form of recreation or a dingy, monochrome hill that is purported to be "colorful" by a bunch of baked Spicolis?

Go vote against those poseur Rastafarians again.

Heh. Maybe we should start calling them the Rasta Mountain Alliance.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Bahamian Rhapsody - Part 2: A Funny Thing Happened on My Way to Gate B-29

I enjoy airports. I especially like to check out ones I've never been in before when the opportunity presents itself. My latest travels took me through three: the large and well-appointed Minneapolis / St. Paul airport, the gigantic and extremely nice Atlanta airport, and Nassau International.

The first word that popped into my head upon leaving the jetway at Nassau's airport was "junta".

But the story I wish to tell takes place in Atlanta Hartsfield on the return trip. Since I was still recovering from a heroic effort to finish off a 750 ml bottle of duty free Cuervo Especial the night before to avoid having to sneak it through customs, some of the dialogue may be made up to fill in gaps in my memory. However, the most shocking event - the central thrust of the story - actually happened.

LearnedFoot: OK, or connecting flight is at gate B-29. Where are we?

Mrs.Foot: E-16.

LF: Looks like we've got a long haul...

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LF: Hey look! There's a train that can take us to the B concourse!

Mrs.F: Hun? I just spent four days sitting on my ass drinking foo foo drinks. I need the exercise.

LF: *sigh* Fine...

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Mrs.F: Here's the B concourse. Now which way... [her glance catches the Delta departure screens] Hey! There's a flight to Minneapolis that leaves an hour and a half before ours. I bet we could get on that one standby!

LF: Sounds great! Which gate?

Mrs.F: A-36

LF: It's in a different freaking concourse????

Mrs.F: Yep. Let's go.

walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk wa-

LF: Good thing I only have second-degree sunburn on the tops of my feet...

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Mrs.F: There's the gate.

LF: There's no gate attendant.

Mrs.F: [To a passing employee sporting a Delta uniform] Excuse me? Can you help us?

Delta Employee: No. Your gate attendant is in the jetway. She'll be with you shortly.

[Both LF and Mrs. F peer down the jetway, seeing the gate attendant standing there, watching people disembark. For 5 minutes. Finally she comes to the counter.]

Gate Attendant: Can I help you?

Mrs. F: Yes. We're on a later flight to -

GA: We're full. Can't help you.

LF: Ooooookaaaaaay. Back to the B concourse for dinner and beer!

walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk

LF: [digging through his pocket, he pulls out some change] Check it out honey! I got a Minnesota quarter in Nassau! I haven't gotten one of these yet!

Mrs.F: Wow! That sure has an attractive design. Does the beauty of our lakes justice.

LF: Sure does! I'm glad it isn't one of those crappy designs that has a picture of some rock on it. I sure wish there was a way I could express my positive view of this quarter's design, while at the same time pissing off hicks in one of those sparsely populated rectangular states.

Mrs.F: Alas, since we have been out of touch with the world for the past few days, I know of no such outlet.

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LF: Here we are at the B concourse again. Now to find a watering hole for a beer and some grub. [Looks around] Ah. There's a sports bar. I'm sure that place will have a wide variety of cool, refreshing malted beverages which can slake my primal thirst.

Mrs.F: Let's boogie. I'm thirsty!

[Our protagonists find an open table and sit down]

Waitress: We're out of beer.

LF: Wha- fra- uh- er- WHAT????????

Waitress: We have no beer.

Mrs.F: You have got to be kidding me!

LF: What, is the manager a moron or something? A sports bar that has no beer?!

Waitress: Yeah, she's a pretty big doofus. You could try the TGI Friday's just over there, or there's another place like this at the opposite end of the concourse.

LF: Thank you. We'll try that.

walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk

[Long story short: 30 minute wait at Friday's, and the "other restaurant" packed full. Our protagonists return to the "sports bar"]

walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk

Mrs.F:[to waitress] OK we're back. We'll have two Absolut-tonics, please.

Waitress: You got it hun.

LF: I have to go to the john. I'll be right back.

[3 minutes later, LearnedFoot returns to the table to find a bloody mary sitting there]

LF: WTF? I don't want a bloody mary. I want something refreshing, like a V-T. Were they out of Absolut?

Mrs.F: No, they're out of tonic water.

[LearnedFoot downs the bloody mary in 5 seconds flat]

Waitress: Are you ready to order?

Mrs.F: Yes. I'll have the chicken Caesar salad.

LF: I'll have the chicken fingers with honey mustard.

Waitress: You're in luck. We have those.

LF: Thank God for small miracles. [glancing at the bar, LF notices a solitary bottle of Smirnoff Ice just behind the bartender] Say, do you have any Smirnoff Ice?

Waitress: Yeah, we got tons of it. Nobody ever drinks that shit.

LF: I'll have four, please.

Waitress: You got it.

LF: [noticing the large, expensive-looking and idle HDTV behind the bar] How come you don't have ESPN or something on? Isn't this a "sports bar"?

Waitress: It doesn't work.

Mrs.F: I'm not surprised.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Vote for Change

Apparently folks in Colorado have so much time on their hands that their Governor is able to use his taxpayer subsidized time to cast aspersions at coin designs.

He picked Minnesota's quarter.

War.

KAR encourages its dwindling readership (due to Bill's crack blog-management skills) to flip the proverbial loon bird toward one of those box-shaped states to the west.

Vote every day, twice a day (once from work, once from home - they'll never know) for the looney.

Bahamian Rhapsody - Part 1: Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Revenue Streams, I Learned in the Bahamas

My recently concluded trip to Nassau quashed my illusions that America is the Unbridled Capitalism center of the universe. Whether you're on the resort property or out and about the island, those folks down there are relentless in their efforts to separate you from your money.

Taking my cues from the rollicking marketplace mindset of the Bahamas, I decided that KAR can open several lucrative revenue streams. Inspired by my experiences with the resort and the locals down there, KAR's services are now subject to the following rates structure / fees:

* All visitors must pay $100 per day for their stay here at KAR. A 15% gratuity will automatically be added for your convenience.

* A $20 per day "blog fee" will also be added to your bill to cover the various amenities here, such as the linklists, the blogrolls and the handy one-click e-mail link.

* Each time Bill redesigns the header, visitors must pay a $35 "Artistic Preservation / Rebranding Fee". A 15% gratuity will be automatically added for your convenience.

* Each outbound link is subject to a $25 "TTLB Rank Enhancement Fee" payable by the owner of the linked site. A 15% gratuity will automatically be added for your convenience.

* V-Toed Bill must pay a one time $500 "Traffic Restoration Fee".

* Want a beer while reading KAR? Grab one from your fridge. That'll be $17, and a 15% gratuity will be automatically added for your convenience.

* A $75 "LearnedFoot Sanity Maintenance Fee" will be assessed, along with an automatic 15% gratuity, each time I am forced to comment on the daily stupidity that bubbles out from the Strib's letters page, like this:

=>FREE SAMPLE<= Present the other side

It would be really nice if the Star Tribune would hire a gay columnist to balance the rants of Katherine Kersten.


Maybe if people got to read about the everyday lives of gay men and women, they could see why they need the same rights afforded straights and straight couples.

It would really be nice if the Star Tribune could take a break from the ugly rhetoric and let us enjoy Gay Pride Month. Save the fireworks for July.

Frank Sturzl, Maplewood
.

It sure would be nice if the Strib would hire a conservative Irish-Italian Wisconsin ex-pat Packer-fan columnist to counterbalance the hateful, xenophobic, and delusional rants of, well, almost every other opinion writer they have on their staff.

Maybe if people got to read about the everyday lives of conservative Irish-Italian Wisconsin ex-pat Packer fans, they would see why we need at least ONE decent Sicilian deli in the southern suburbs, and realize that Winter Park (the Vikings HQ and practice facility) is the single largest focus of evil in the known universe, aside from Al Gore's house.

=>END FREE SAMPLE<=

* Commenters and trackbackers must pay a $13.50 "Haloscan Administration / Moonbat Troll Ejection Fee" per comment / trackback. A 15% gratuity will automatically be added for your convenience.

* When you leave KAR to surf on to other blogs or websites, you will be bombarded by roughly 14,000 pop-up ads that will try to get you to buy useless, overpriced crap.

* Using new cutting-edge technology, we have reconfigured the blog so that it will cause your monitor to bombard you with high intensity UV rays that can penetrate SPF 30 sunscreen and cause severe sunburn in a little under 10 minutes. Aloe vera lotion is available from KAR for $15 for a 3 ounce bottle, plus an automatic 15% gratuity, added for your convenience.

Enjoy your stay!

Blogger Leaves Country for Five Days, and Everything Goes to Hell

So let's recap what I can piece together about the events of the past few days:

1) Dementee welcomes another offspring into the world (Congrats D) meaning...

2) Bill is completely in charge of KAR Content Operations...

3) KAR traffic craters.

And elsewhere...

4) Michael Jackson gets off is found not guilty, providing hope to creepy (alleged) child gropers everywhere; and

5) Apparently Minnesota is at war with Colorado???!!!

No rest for the weary. Looks like the LearnedFoot needs to get right at kicking some butt. But first, I've got some Bahamas-fisking to do.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Left and MSM making headway in ensuring U.S. military defeat

The daily, relentless negative coverage of the Iraq war and facets of the general war on terror by entities of the mainstream media have taken their toll, and may soon swing the pendulum in favor of the terrorists. Rep. Walter Jones (R) of North Carolina is one of, if not the first GOP member of Congress to call for us to pull out of Iraq. This is no doubt in response to calls from his constituents who, in the wake of unending and aggressive negative reporting from the MSM have determined that our prospects in Iraq are bleak.

The enemy within is succeeding. When it became apparent to these people that the invasion of Iraq was a foregone conclusion, despite their best efforts to stop it, they implemented Plan B; ensure a U.S. loss by demoralizing the populace and those serving in the armed forces. The surest and easiest way to demoralize is to report each and every piece of bad news, ignore any good news, and spin neutral news to make it bad. In short, make it appear that everything the U.S. military is doing is doomed to failure and reprehensible. Do this often enough and in an unrelenting manner and you will soon have people calling congressional representatives demanding that we get out of the quagmire.

This was how the MSM secured defeat in Vietnam, and it is now the template for any conflict waged by one of their political enemies. I said it yesterday, and I'll say it again: They would rather have America lose the war on terror, and have our way of life irrevocably altered, than have George Bush win the conflict and get the credit.

It really is as simple as that.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Who do you believe?

I am about at the end of my rope when it comes to MSM coverage of ALLEGED Quran (I always thought it was Koran?! Oh well, it will be spelled differently in a week anyway.) abuse at Guantanamo Bay. The thing that really put it over the edge for me was a letter to the editor at the Star Tribune the other day in which the writer expressed his disgust at the arrogant way the U.S. has acted since 9/11, including the acts of Quran desecration at Gitmo.

There you have it. The birth of another useful idiot. As far as I have heard, these allegations are just that - allegations. It might surprise some of those who are so disgusted and appalled by the alleged mistreatment of Islam's holy book to learn that a part of Al Qaida training involves claiming either physical or mental abuse, and Quran desecration should one become captive. Why is this tactic effective? Because Al Qaida knows that it will have an all too willing and eager accomplice in the Western press. Want Newsweek to come beating down your cell door for an interview? Claim someone flushed your Quran down the toilet. By the way, I want to know where to get a toilet that can do that to a Quran. I have a house that was built in 1999, and the toilets clog if you look at them incorrectly. None of that 'low flow' stuff down in Cuba!

It all comes down to who are you going to believe. On the one hand, you have accounts and allegations of this type of abuse and desecration being reported in the media, even after Newsweek admitted that one of the stories was a complete fabrication. I still see one news report per night in which some Democrat senator is calling for Guantanamo Bay to be shut down. You might think a responsible media would be a little skeptical about similar charges after one of their own was duped so blatantly. All I can conclude is that these dopes are carrying water for the terrorists. Realize again that it is in Al Qaida's best interest to be portrayed as the victim here, and that members are given training as to how to manipulate the media. Why would any self-respecting and credible news organization (sorry CBS) want to play the lackey for Osama Bin Laden? Why? Because they hate George Bush more than they hate the terrorists.

On the other hand, you have the U.S. military. They have denied that there is any sort of systemic abuse, or even a problem with individual acts of Quran desecration at Gitmo. Indeed, there does not seem to be any evidence to the contrary either. Does anyone remember the flap over the fake documents and Bush's National Guard service? No evidence of any wrong-doing, but plenty of people, including Dan Rather who basically said "Well if it isn't true, it oughta be!" This seems like the same type of thing. Remember; to the Democrats and the MSM, it is no longer about the strength of the evidence, it's about the gravity of the charge.

Do you believe fanatical, human-hating, 17th century psychopaths and the Western press? Or do you believe the U.S. military?

Thursday, June 09, 2005

LearnedFoot Gets a Life

How do you know that you don't have a life?

- You spend all your waking moments posting to a discussion board sponsored by a radio talk show host that pulls down a 1.5 share in her strongest markets.

- You spend all your waking moments posting moronic, insulting comments on other people's blogs, thinking that you're clever or something.

- You Tivo Entertainment Tonight so you can watch it again, just in case you miss something.

- 45% of your vocabulary consists of the word "wingnut".

- You actually noticed that there were no NHL games played last year (unless you own a bar on West 7th Street in St. Paul).

- You cried bloody murder for smoking bans in restaurants and bars even though you rarely, if ever, patronize them.

- You obsessively cut and paste comment threads from Shot in the Dark into your own blog.

- You have two children under 4 years-old.

Guess which one I am?

Yes, for one brief shining moment ("moment" defined herein as "five days") I and the lovely Mrs. Foot will have "a life" - escaping the surly bonds of Minnesota and custodial parenthood to frolic in the sunny climes of the Caribbean area of the Atlantic Ocean, east of Florida, north of Cuba and the Caribbean, and west of the British dependency of the Turks and Caicos Islands. (Thanks to Alert Reader Denbo for the geography lesson!) For five glorious days, I will take in all that the Bahamas have to offer: the beach, the casino and the swim up bar. Mrs. Foot and I will enrich ourselves by visiting all the important sites on the islands: the beach, the casino and the swim up bar.

We will also be spending 4 glorious hours laying over in Atlanta's airport. Living in a Northwest Airlines hub city has its advantages!

Since the beach, the casino, the swim up bar and other adult activities that can be indulged in when the kids aren't around will consume all of my time, there'll be no blogging from me 'til next week. Dementee and V-Toed Bill (Bill's nickname: "The Atomizer of KAR") will pick up the slack.

Added bonus for me: This week marks the beginning of hurricane season! Everything's going my way!

The Nonmonkey Ignorance-Revealing Quote o' the Day

From this morning's Nonmonkey Sour Hour, regarding Howard Dean's statement that "most Republicans never had a real job" remark, and the backlash it inspired:

And these BLOG-gerzzzzzzz, these attack dogzzzzzzz, none of whom have ever had a real job...

Of course, we all know that a "real job" is one that is possibly obtained through familial connections and involves writing acidic fluff (or TV reviews) in a mid-market newspaper twice a week. Alternately, a "real job" could be one that entails spewing insulting, bald and baseless assertions into a microphone for 2 hours a day.

So I guess he's right.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Research Scientists Lie

33% of scientists lie in their research! I wonder how may of these frauds were studying secondhand smoke, global warming and obesity.

I got a kick in the ass out of this wonderful piece of crappy reporting by Maura Lerner of the Star & Sickle.

She soft sells that fact that 1/3, 33 out of 100, 3.3 out of 10, 3,333.3 out of every 10,000 researchers are LIARS, LIARS PANTS ON FIRE(S).

Get a load of this wonderfully crafted paragraph:

While falsifying research is uncommon, the survey found that 33 percent of scientists admitted breaking rules, large and small, that are supposed to ensure the honesty of their work, the authors report in the British journal Nature.

Breaking rules that are to ensure the honesty of their work is not the same as falsifying research.

I didn’t do so good in logic class, but let me lay this one on you: If breaking rules make the results dishonest, then the results are not true. If the results are not true, then they must be false. Ergo, the research has been falsified Maura.

Here’s a question Maura didn’t ask, “How many millions of dollars did the American tax payer put up for this garbage and how many more millions or billions have been spent by government on programs designed to fix problems that exist only in the fiction these bozos released?”

More from Maura’s “hard hitting piece”:

· 15 percent said they had changed the design, methods or results of a study in response to pressure from a financial sponsor.
· Fewer than 1 percent admitted to "falsifying or cooking research data."
· 1.4 percent, said they had potentially improper relationships with students or subjects. (I guess that means they were getting some)
· 12.5 percent -- said they had overlooked others scientists' use of flawed data or questionable interpretations.
· 7 percent admitted ignoring "minor" rules for protecting human subjects.
· 6 percent said that they failed to report data that contradicted their previous work.

How can any of this, individually or in aggregate, not constitute falsifying research?

Screw the steroid hearings. If congress doesn’t subpoena every last researcher in this country every member should be thrown out for dereliction of duty.

Perpetrator as Victim alert

Read at your own risk, you’re about to find out why the lying bastards can’t be culpable for, well, lying:

[Brian Martinson of the HealthPartners Research Foundation in Bloomington] said Scientists are "one of the hardest-working groups of people that I know." But he said there may be something about their working environment -- the mountains of rules, the pressure to compete for grants and produce results -- that ends up compromising their ethics.

Brian conveniently forgot about the pressure to force your political agenda on others. With his logic, Ken Lay is a victim of the pressure to keep shareholders happy with high stock prices.

"There's been this kind of idea that scientists... are super-humans or something, that they're immune from these kinds of pressure," he said. "But scientists are human."

See, they’re human and as humans they are just as likely to lie as anybody else.

Eat me, Brian. These frauds have swindled the American tax payer out of untold millions because they are self-absorbed asses who care only about their own success. Don’t give me this BS about not being “immune from these kinds of pressures.”

We all face pressure, jerk face, and I’m here to tell you most of us come through it without cheating or scamming.

As for the super-human spin: Give me a freaking break, loser. I suppose you’re among those all too fallible scientists who is seen by the great unwashed as “super-human.”

Don’t get your thumb stuck while covering your comrades’ asses, you self-important pompous ass.

Howard Dean strikes again

I swear it just keeps getting better and better. Howard Dean simply can’t keep his mouth closed and it’s giving the Republican Party a financial and PR windfall.

While there a few reports of his latest verbal sewage, Brent Bozell provides a nice summary of the Howard The Duck Dean coverage in the MSM at townhall.com.

Bottom line: There aint much.

As for Dean, you know the Dummycrats have hit rock bottom when John Edwards is quoted as saying that Dean does not speak for the Democratic Party.

Excuse me, John. Are you telling me that the Chairman of the Democratic National Committee does not speak for the Democratic National Committee?

And you have the nerve to call W “stupid.”

What’s stupid is thinking Howard The Duck could continue to raise funds as Chair at the same level he did as a candidate.

Stupid aint the right word. How about F-ing Nuts.

Let’s put a guy in power who gathered most of his money from the radical fringe of the party. He raised lots of the green, but they forget that he did it when there were 8 people running for the nomination.

They fail to realize that with 8 people in the race, the party is fragmented into many groups of freaks all pushing for their own freaky agenda. With that many fragments it’s easy to lead in fundraising because all Dean needed are two legit candidates (JFingK and John Boy in this case) to split the sane donors and the rabble fell to him.

Howard The Duck is incapable of transferring the success he had during the nominating process to the Party level. His message didn’t play with the big guns then and it sure as hell is not going to play now.

Again, the Left shows they are clueless when it comes to cause and reaction. They believe everything happens in a vacuum: If Howard did that great as a candidate, imagine what he can do for the party as a whole.

Oops. We forgot his followers are Hippie wannabes that inhabit the far left of the party.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Die Party Die.

Marquette Nickname Vote Scandal Deepens

Two commenters with connections to Marquette offer theories to explain the Great Nickname Poll Scandal (hereafter known as "Goldengate") exposed here yesterday:

From Paddy:

Just spoke to the Marquette sister and asked her about the train-wreck that is the "Golden Eagles" renomination and the whole more votes then voters deal. She said voters were allowed to vote for two nicknames. Asked her what nickname she voted for and she said she couldn't remember. May go a long ways to explaining Marquette's current predicament.

Hmmm. Mindless voting. Could be an explanation - one that would be especially agreeable to Domers.

Noted Marquette alum Denbo crunches the numbers:

Each ballot contained 2 votes (e.g. you could pick your 2 favorite names from a list of 10 or pick one from the list and write in one). Any write-ins referring to war (i.e. Warriors, War Eagles, etc.) or disrespectful of the University or the Jesuits (i.e. Jumpin Jesuits, European Disease Spreading Missionaries) were thrown out. Therefore a back of the envelope calculation leads this noted alumnus to conclude that 45.4% of the ballots contained such repulsive references. I am willing to bet of those 14,314 discarded votes the vast majority was for Warriors.

Had "European Disease Spreading Missionaries" been a choice, I would have actively advcated for it.

While compelling, these theories fail to account for the the most compelling fact pointing toward vote rigging: the most unpopular collegiate nickname in the history of the universe was renominated. If this poll was legit, you would have to believe that many of the same people who have been bitching about "Golden Eagles" for ten years have voted to retain that moniker.

I SUSPECT FRAUD!!!!

And if the elections of 2004 taught us anything, it taught us that the mere suspicion of wrongdoing resulting in an undesirable outcome is enough to warrant all manner of absurd demands of those in power and lawsuits.

Therefore, to remedy this grave situation, the editorial board of KAR demands the following measures be taken immediately:

- A bipartisan committee co-chaired by Paddy, Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo and Hank Raymonds be formed to investigate this fraud.

- The computer that tabulated the poll votes (which I'm sure is currently under the control and dominion of the Marquette University Board of Vote Rigging Trustees) be seized and taken to an undisclosed location in Sensenbrenner Hall where it will be available for investigation by the committee.

- The 1977 National Championship trophy be removed from the trophy case and taken to an undisclosed location in that dorm that looks like a big beer can.

- The National Guard be called in to secure and lock down the Al McGuire Center.

- A new poll must be taken using voting machines that leave a paper trail and are not made by Diebold. However, no picture ID will be needed to vote.

- All manner of lawsuits must be filed.

We're through the looking glass here people.

Developing...

Ridiculing the Ridiculous

For those in the mood to ridicule some folks who badly deserve it, Swiftee's got an outlet.

If you don't know the backstory, just ask him - he'd be happy to tell you about it.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

BREAKING NEWS: The Left Wing Fraud Machine's Reach Extends to Marquette University

Marquette officials announced the top two vote-getters in their nickname poll, today. At first blush it appeared that the students, alumni and faculty participating in the poll possess the same milquetoast-fear-of-any-possible-controversy taste in nicknames as the Marquette Board of Supine PC Appeasement Trustees. The top two nicknames are:

The Hilltoppers and...

The Golden Eagles???

Wait a minute wait a minute waitaminute WAITAMINUTE!

Didn't this whole kerfuffle begin because "Golden Eagles" was a vastly unpopular name?

[Here, LearnedFoot metaphorically slaps everyone who voted for "Golden Eagles" in the back of the head.]

Something smells here. Marquette's in Milwaukee after all. What typically happens when there's a vote in Milwaukee?

FRAUD:

School officials said a total of 31,501 voters participated in the first round of voting, and cast a total of 48,688 votes.

17,000 more votes than voters.

Yep. Voting in Milwaukee.

Developing...

Perspective

Hillary Clinton: "We are living in a time when the other side doesn't want us to see the facts. Facts are inconvenient - facts about global warming..."

...Fact: 15 thousand years ago, the place where I now sit was covered by a mile-thick sheet of ice.

***

John Kerry had a C average at Yale, with 5 "Ds" - a lower grade average than the "moronic" Chimpy Bushitler.

Fact: I had a slightly higher college GPA than both of them - way higher if you don't count my first year. And let's not humiliate further the 2004 also ran with my law school grades. LearnedFoot for president.

BTW: one of Kerry's best grades: French.

***

Letter from the Moron o' the Day:

Worse than first reported

The Pentagon admitted that there were indeed desecrations of the Qur'an at Guantanamo Bay detention center (Star Tribune, June 4). The actual abuse at Guantanamo was a lot worse than Newsweek's account.

Since Newsweek was chastised by the masses for its action, will we see any such accountability for the Bush administration?

Ron Shen, Eden Prairie

As long as we're traversing the continuum of comparative bad acts, I think we can all agree that this or this or this or this or this is much much worse than offending the purported religious sensibilities (sometimes accidentally) of murderous vermin.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Marquette Scheduled to Embarrass Itself Again Tomorrow

Tomorrow, the Marquette University Board of Fatuousness Trustees will announce the two most popular nicknames as revealed by their stakeholder poll. Unless they disapprove of the results.

Since one of the possible names polled was the "Golden Knights" - a mascot that conjures imagery of warlike white European Christians who, during the Crusades, killed some of the "browner peoples of the earth" - my prediction is that they will ignore the poll and offer two brand new names.

My money's on the "Burnt Umber Porcupines" and the "Ashen Gender Feminists".

Developing...