Friday, July 29, 2005

Moonbats: Ready...Set...Hyperventilate!

State Senator Michele Bachmann - the objet d'obsession for a gaggle of crypto-lefty metro area jihadis - appeared at Keegans Pub last night. Residual Forces caught the event on film:.



That's Senator Bachmann talking with Mark Yost and David Strom. Quick, moonbats! Man the blogs! You must cover this breaking story!

I'm sure they will. The group that's been stalking Bachmann has been losing steam faster than Ashlee Simpson's drive for a Grammy, their traffic dropping down under 100 visits a day, about a quarter of what they were getting in April. They need a...(hahahahaha)...big....hahahahahahahaha...scoop..........

I can't keep a straight enough face to type.

Air America celebrates…wealth?


I may be the only one, but I found the announcement of the Air America Minnesota Party on the Bluff to be quite the ironic twist. Here we have a group of blow hard lefties who rant and rave against the rich throwing a party at the Estates of Diamond Bluff where empty lots start at $70K and reach damn near half-a-million.

I wonder if they’re paying for the remote with donations from the Boys and Girls Clubs.

Here’s how the Estates web page describes their community:

Diamond Bluff offers the lifestyle many strive for, but seldom attain. Located on a 300-foot-high bluff overlooking the Mississippi River, you'll enjoy breathtaking views and sunsets. And the wonders of nature are just outside your door. Large wooded lots accommodate homes as big as your dreams and are also home to many species of wildlife. In addition, they provide the privacy you crave. So come live where eagles soar at eye-level … at Estates of Diamond Bluff.

Many strive, but few attain – yep, that fits right into the egalitarian mold of Dead Air America Leftism. Assuming you are the keeper of the mold. After all, it was the big shots in the Kremlin who got all the goodies – and so it is for the hosts at Out of Air America (OOAA).

And here we have the ultimate in dilemmas for our leftie friends: Declaration of Protective Covenants Diamond Bluff Prairie Estates Homeowners’ Association.

Can you imagine the mental gymnastics Nick Boy, Wendy and the rest off the yahoos at OOAA must go through when deciding if such a document fits in their narrow paradigm?

The title alone reeks of money, but the concept – increased control over one’s personal life – is too good for a Socialist to pass up. Whatever shall they do?

Perhaps I’m being too cynical. Maybe Wendy Wilde (I think I saw her in an adult movie once) will spend her show time chastising the good folks who destroy nature by cutting down the trees, building the homes and living in them.

Then again, a nonmonkey might fly out of my butt.

As long as they don’t have fun, and there’s little chance of fun being on the docket, I guess it’s ok.

‘Cmon Lefties, if you’re going to do a remote, take the show to your audience – a union hall, Oak Park Heights prison, or under an overpass (oops, was that too insensitive?). Find one of your highly niche special interest groups and have at it.

Moron Mail

Gloria Peck (who incidentally donated $1,550 to the Kerry campaign - quite a chunk o' change for a civil servant) writes to the Strib:

The July 28 editorial asks, "Where is the outrage?" I am outraged now! How can the American public be outraged when it is not fully informed by the news media?

The editorial details the FBI building files on Greenpeace, the ACLU and other organizations that oppose the Bush administration, just as the Nixon administration did. Why isn't this information on the front page?

I often get very important information from your editorials that I have never seen on the front page.

Gloria Peck, Golden Valley.

Let's summarize her argument: Americans are not outraged because media outlets like the Strib are not trumpeting certain stories that would provoke said outrage (presumably because they have been cowed by the Bush administration).

Reread that letter. Do you see the giant, gaping chasm of logic?

[LearnedFoot pauses to snicker.]

She is outraged.

By something she read in a Strib editorial.

Written by the same body people who decide which news to print, and where to print it.

And is puzzled as to why such "information" is not on the "front page".

Not to mention that she "gets" her "information" from the editorial page.

What does that tell you about the import or veracity of such information? It must be because the Strib is in the business of running interference for the Bush administration.

And aren't moonbats like noted Kerry campaign donor Gloria Peck always talking about how us wingnuts are living in a "cocoon" or "echo chamber" because of Fox News, talk radio, and, er, blogs? But people who get their "news" from the Strib's op-ed pages live in no such shell.

And I'm sure she thinks, as other moonbats do, that the Strib is a node of the right wing media, notwithstanding such courageous editorials.

Moron.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Run Dick Run!

(NOTE: That title is not a pun to be construed in context with the post immediately below. This will become apparent in a moment.)

I am personally going to start the "Draft Cheney in 2008" campaign:

Veteran wire reporter Helen Thomas is vowing to 'kill herself' if Dick Cheney announces he is running for president.

The newspaper HILL first reported the startling claim on Thursday.

"The day Dick Cheney is going to run for president, I'll kill myself," she told the HILL.

"All we need is one more liar."Thomas added, "I think he'd like to run, but it would be a sad day for the country if he does."

Ah, but the moonbat tears of sorrow would be tempered by tears of joy from the Not-Wearing-a-Tinfoil-Hat Community.

Imagine a world without a bitter White House reporter way past her prime asking the President's press secretary baseless and hectoring questions. A world without Thomas' whack-job conspiracy theory "columns" passed off as legitimate simply because the purveyor of such tripe has been a White House correspondent since the Millard Fillmore administration.

Imagine a world without that human equivalent of salt peter.

*sigh*

Writing Practical Song Parodies Is a Hard, and Sometimes Long, Process

[NOTE: The following post is rated R for strong sexual content and nudity]

Sisyphus may be on to something with his improvement of the dusty old art of classic rock song parodies by making them crassly commercial. Two birds with one stone and all that. I think I'll take a stab at morphing a classic rock tune into a catchy jingle.

This may very well be the post that gets KAR kicked out of the MOB.


Purple Pill
(Sung to Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit)

One pill makes you larger
For hours, you won't be small
And the ones they call "Cialis"
Don't do anything at all
Just call Pfizer
If you have balls

And if you go chasing women
And you know you're going to score,
Pop a Viagra with your Pina Colada
And take the little soldier to war
Just call Pfizer -
You'll have a ball!

Grab onto the headboard
And give her some affection
And you just had some purple pill
You've got an erection!
Go ask Pfizer -
But you should know:

Don't take Viagra if you have heart pain
And you could go blind or meek
And talk to your doctor immediately
If your boner lasts a week

So, remember, before you unhook her bra:

Vi-ag-ra!

Vi-ag-ra!

Vi-ag-raaaaaaaaaaaaa!


(*) There was a stanza here, but it was waaaaaaay too dirty, so I took it out.

UPDATE: Replaced it with a cleaner version.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Another Reason to Like Iron Maiden

Dave the Ohligarch commenting on this post:

I saw them once, back in 1991 on the No Prayer For the Dying tour, during Operation Desert Storm. Someone in the front row handed Bruce [Dickinson] a very long banner. He looked at it, nodded his head, and hung it across the stacks of amplifiers for all to see. It said, SEND EDDIE TO F**K UP SADDAM. That got the biggest round of applause that night. I also remember Bruce introducing "Die With Your Boots On" by dedicating it to the troops and declaring that "If any Iron Maiden fans happen to be anti-war protestors, you can go f**k yourselves". What a great show. The music was good, too.

And with that, Ohligarchy goes on the "Rainbow of Flavaz" blogroll.

When Bruce Dickinson starts a blog, it will go on the blogroll as well.

Moron Mail: LearnedFoot Birthday Edition

On this day, 33 years ago, in a hospital near Detroit that you may have heard of before, I entered this world. I stunned everyone present in the delivery room when, when the doctor spanked me, I slowly turned my head toward him and called him a "crapweasel".

Anyhoo, I didn't notice it at the time because I was busy writing this innovative piece of prose, but the Strib published an early birthday present for me yesterday - a moonbat that I could shoot for sport:

Ahmed Tharwat's July 23 Counterpoint ("The motive behind these heinous crimes") was right on the mark. Public discussion of the political motivations of suicide bombers is long overdue.
Tharwat's willingness to speak truth to power is courageous in this stifling post-9/11 culture. Blair and Bush tell us that "barbarian" bombers hate freedom and are opposed to modernity, democracy and civilization. If this simplistic, freedom-hating rationale is accurate, all modern, so-called "civilized" democracies are in peril and Al-Qaida will be attacking Sweden and Costa Rica any day now.


But the reality is that Al-Qaida and its adherents are driven to heinous crimes by what they perceive as equally heinous crimes of U.S. influence in the form of wars and occupations in the Middle East. Blood-drenched Iraq now stands as a prime example of crusading Westerners trying to impose a self-serving agenda on a foreign land.

All the while, the majority of Muslims abhor Al-Qaida's murderous methods, and the majority of Americans abhor sending children to fight and die in unjust wars, both of which are wrong answers to real problems. Discarding the "clash of civilizations" nonsense, all parties involved must begin to work closely together to address these very real problems with nonviolent solutions.

Kristina M. Gronquist, Minneapolis.

A quick google search of "Kristina Gronquist" shows that she's left many puddles of drool around the internet and in the tangible world. She's a member of the flaming moonbat group Women Against Military Madness (WAMM), and an unabashed liar. For what its worth, you'll note in her article linked in that last sentence, she offers the tired propagandistic lie of "100,000 Iraqi civilians dead". John Leo pretty much blows the crap out of that prevarication.

Oh, and I love the use of the phrase "crusading Westerners trying to impose a self-serving agenda on a foreign land". As we'll see in a moment, this dumbass is applying the crusade metaphor to the wrong side.

Somehow, I think that she's used to being on the wrong side.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand: the unbelievable stupidity of Gronquist and the morons like her.

Let's take this chuzzlewit's advice and explore the "political motivations" of the suicide bombers:
"True" Islam worldwide.

Just a few days ago, one of those reptilian Imams in England put it explicitly:

I would like to see the Islamic flag fly, not only over number 10 Downing Street, but over the whole world.

Not to mention that Osama his old bad self said basically the same thing on that videotape recovered in Afghanistan shortly after 9/11.

And, just to pile on, here's even more authority:

Moreover, converts are to be found in almost every Qaeda cell: They did not turn fundamentalist because of Iraq, but because they felt excluded from Western society (this is especially true of the many converts from the Caribbean islands, both in Britain and France).

"Born again" or converts, they are rebels looking for a cause. They find it in the dream of a virtual, universal ummah, the same way the ultraleftists of the 1970s (the Baader-Meinhof Gang, the Italian Red Brigades) cast their terrorist actions in the name of the "world proletariat" and "Revolution" without really caring about what would happen after.

Here's where Kristina's line of thinking breaks down like a blueberry Icee at the equator [for all you non-bloggers out there, the following is called a "money quote"]:

We have a bunch of sociopathic human germs who blow themselves up in order to kill as many random people as possible, and who see this tactic as an effective way of advancing their goal of spreading their diseased version of a religion worldwide.

And idiots like Kristina Gronquist think we should sit down and talk with them.

Yeah, that's a recipe for "peace". Here's a clue Kristina: you can't negotiate with a madman for much the same reason that you can't reason with a goldfish. And you speaking down from some self-proclaimed high ground cannot change that immutable fact of life.

And one question for you Kristina, you shithead: given the proof set out above, who's the "crusader" in this war?

In Case You Were Wondering...

Yes, I am aware that They are coming here.

And no, I'm not going to see them. Camping out with a bunch of metal freaks is not my idea of a good time (plus Mrs. Foot's musical tastes run more towards the Sting side of the spectrum).

Also, if the played "The Trooper," I probably would hurt myself.

That being said, if Nicko wants to hit a pub and knock back a few banana daquiris with me, I would be inclined to accept.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Booger

Since it appears that a substantial portion of KAR's - and if other anectodal reports are true, the MOB's - readership is on vacation, I figured this is as good a time as any to post this. Not that I'm complaining. I'm not as big of a traffic whore as some others that I could name.

Anyways, onward:

booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger 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barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart 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fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart booger barf poop fart

That is all.

Law Licenses! Get Yer Law Licenses Here!

So you want to be a lawyer so you can become rich billing gullible people $300 per hour, but you never went to law school and never took the bar exam. What are you to do? What are you to do?

Well friend, now your dreams can come true, and the world can be your oyster.

Introducing the [insert your state here] Supreme Court of LearnedFoot Bar Admission!

Yes! Now you to can live the dream of being a real(*) lawyer. For a nominal fee, LearnedFoot will personally swear you in as an Officer of the Court of any state you choose!

That's it! You can become a real live attorney in just 24 hours!

"But wait," you say, "don't all states require attorneys to be licensed by the official licensing body of the state?"

Well, yes, but it's an unjust law that ought to be ignored. What does some stuffy judge or do-gooder bureaucrat know about your ability to practice law? And why should they take away your right to earn a living?

So act today, and sue tomorrow!!!!!

[Kool Aid toast to Bogus Doug]

* Supreme Court of LearnedFoot law licenses are recognized only in some parts of Canada. Void where prohibited. Civil and criminal liability may apply.

The Air "America" Mind-Bendingly Brain Dead Inane Comment o' the Day

The unusually fertile NonMonkey returned to his "radio" "show" yesterday from his 2-week hiatus following the birth of his latest child, only to be called back to the homestead today. When explaining NM's absence to his "audience" today, the (presumably) carbon-based drone filling in for him made the following remarkably dull-witted remark:

We've just gotten a call asking why [NonMonkey] isn't on today. He decided that he was more needed at home, so he stayed there with his wife and new baby today. And that's great. That's a wonderfully Democratic and liberal thing to do - staying home with your wife and newborn.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Is there anything these whackos don't see through political lenses?

As we all know, the Rebublican, conservative thing to do after just having a baby is to immediately go back to the office and get hummers from an intern.

I'm sure KAR readers can come up with other "wonderfully Democratic and liberal" things to do. Have at it.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Moron Mail Mania

The Star & Sickle is chock-full of good ones today, including this fecal-filled submission from Robert Rafn of Minneapolis which says, in part:

Either Rudolph should be referred to as a "terrorist" and a "Christian extremist," or the words "Islam" and "Muslim" should not be used in describing the London terrorists.

One problem with your statement, Robert...Eric Rudolf is not a Christian and, therefore, cannot be called a “Christian extremist.”

If you had bothered to follow the case, instead of relying on headlines and lead paragraphs, perhaps you would know that Rudolf “prefer[s] Nietzsche to the Bible.”

But if you paid attention you wouldn’t be a good Lefty. Nope, to remain in good standing with the US Kremlin you have charge ahead, unencumbered by facts, to denounce a Christian who isn’t really a Christian.

You, Robert are a moron of the highest order.

Realizing That It Has Been Beaten, the Left Turns to Drugs

Well, I don't have any proof that they're smokin' the buddha, but it seems to be the only rational explanation for their behavior. To wit:

Dementee's favorite human dartboard, Howard "the Yowling Twerp" Dean had to be on something when he said this -

Oh wait. Let's set the mood first.

Preparing to talk to a bunch of moonbats in formation (college students), Dean takes a large draw off a fat phat spliff and drops the needle onto the record.

Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies...

Then, aided by his newfound cannibussial insight, Howie graces his assembled fellow travelers, who are breathing the same air as he, with this brain turd:

The president and his right-wing Supreme Court think it is 'okay' to have the government take your house if they feel like putting a hotel where your house is.

Yes, in his obviously altered state, Dean thinks that Stevens, Souter, Breyer, and Ginsburg comprise the "right-wing" of the court.

But that's not all. Dean is also hallucinating:

A pro-life Democrat, unlike a pro-life Republican, cares about kids after they're born, not just before.

That's right. Howard Dean is seeing pro-life Democrats! These "pro-life Democrats" that Howie "sees" are probably standing next to the Blue Meanies, dancing on a meandering rainbow.

Duuuuuuuuude. It doesn't get any more whacked out than that.

Not to be out done my the Mad Galactic Jester, Jane Fonda appears to have dusted off her trusty bong, and has been taking long, deep hits:

Wait! Forgot the music:

Incense and peppermints, meaningless nouns.
Turn on, tune in, turn your eyes around

OK. Now we're good to go with Jane:

Actress and activist Jane Fonda says she intends to take a cross-country bus tour to call for an end to U.S. military operations in Iraq.

"I can't go into any detail except to say that it's going to be pretty exciting," she said.

Fonda said her anti-war tour in March will use a bus that runs on "vegetable oil." She will be joined by families of Iraq war veterans and her daughter.

Pretty exciting indeed, Moon Doggie!

Anybody got any Doritos?

Moron Mail: Ask the Answer Man

Jane from St. Louis Park has a question for the KAR Answer Man:

Q: Arnold the crime-fighting pig ("Adios, Arnold, and well done," July 19), who was showered with honors he certainly deserved, is no different from the approximately 100 million pigs raised, abused and slaughtered in the United States every year in the living hell known as "factory farming."

Why should we be surprised that Arnold was "a prized protector"? Pigs are intelligent and loving animals that can be taught the same things that we teach dogs.

From a moral standpoint, why do we revere one pig while 100 million similar pigs are viewed as objects, things and food machines?

Jane Kolles, St. Louis Park
.

A: Because, Jane, PORK IS YUMMY!

And don't worry: I'm confident that at this very moment, Arnold is being converted into sweet apple wood-smoked bacony goodness.

[Homer] mmmmm... bacon! [/Homer]

Sunday, July 24, 2005

"Covenant Marriage" Is Not the Name of a Heavy Metal Band

EDITOR'S NOTE: An obscure FCC regulation requires bloggers to dedicate a certain portion of their bandwith to discourse that is in the "public interest". Since the FCC has ruled that rhetorically clubbing moonbats over the head does not constitute "discourse in the public interest," this post will be unusually devoid of KAR's trademark vituperation. Read at your own risk.

[The 4 people who read KAR on Sundays: Boooooooooooooo!]

Cap'n Ed has an interesting post (commenting on a topic Michelle Malkin broached) about a new trend in marriage: the use of wedding vows that don't really promise much. It seems that the tired old "'til death do us part" and "as long as we both shall live" is being replaced with "'til boredom do we part" and "as long as you put the toilet seat down".

Really these new "vows" are nonpromises along the lines of those made by Ming the Merciless in the 1980s campfest "Flash Gordon":

Priest: Do you, Ming the Merciless, Ruler of the Universe, take this Earthling Dale Arden, to be your Empress of the Hour?

Ming: Of the hour, yes.

Priest: Do you promise to use her as you will?

Ming: Certainly!

Priest: Not to blast her into space? [Ming glares at the Priest]

Priest: Uh, until such time as you grow weary of her.

Ming: I do.

There is now a counter trend emerging in some states to bifurcate the institution of marriage into two classes: the existing one that will continue to accommodate the Ming-like couples, and "covenant marriages". Covenant marriages, for those couples that opt for them, ostensibly restores the old pre-no-fault divorce rules.

One state, Arizona (there may be others; I haven't looked), enacted its covenant marriage law in 1998. Couples who wish to receive a covenant marriage license must participate in premarital counseling and sign an affidavit that reads:

We solemnly declare that marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman who agree to live together as husband and wife for as long as they both live. We have chosen each other carefully and have received premarital counseling on the nature, purposes and responsibilities of marriage. We understand that a covenant marriage is for life. If we experience marital difficulties, we commit ourselves to take all reasonable efforts to preserve our marriage, including marital counseling.

With full knowledge of what this commitment means, we do declare that our marriage will be bound by Arizona law on covenant marriages and we promise to love, honor and care for one another as husband and wife for the rest of our lives.

The law also allows existing married couples to convert their marriages to covenant marriages.

[KAR's 4 Sunday readers grow restless, and start demanding some moonbat insults]

Once a couple is married pursuant to a covenant marriage license, a no-fault divorce is off the table for them. Arizona's statute delineates the only instances of "fault" that, if proven in court, will allow the couple to dissolve their marriage. It's the old familiar laundry list of misdeeds: adultery, imprisonment, physical abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, etc.

Unfortunately, the law does allow one ground for divorce that is conducive to these new Ming the Merciless Vows: agreement between the spouses to dissolve the marriage.

As long as we both shall love each other, or death, whichever comes first.

So the law isn't perfect, and is rendered partially - but not totally toothless - by that "agreement of the spouses" clause. But it does present at least some counter-balance to this lazy, relativistic trend.

[KAR's 4 Sunday Readers: Boooooooooo! C'mon, Foot! Beat on a moonbat!!]

*Sigh*

Ted Kennedy is a big, bloated idiot.

Happy?

[KAR's 4 Sunday Readers: Yay!]

We now return you to your regularly scheduled bile.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About the Battle of Britain

Mitch Berg got caught in a time warp, and is somehow managing to live blog the Battle of Britain some 60 years after it happened.

[Here, LearnedFoot pauses to allow the various "geek" jokes being murmured around the blogosphere to run their course.]

Fortunately for Mitch, Iron Maiden bassist Steve Harris once stepped into a rift in the space-time continuum, got caught somewhere in time (sorry - inside joke - had to), and saw Mitch's 2005 live blog of a 1940s event. He then warped back to 1982 (or so) and penned the only heavy metal British patriotic anthem known to man - Aces High: a rollicking song about the Battle of Britain that, we now know, Harris meant to be a soundtrack for Mitch's Epic "Live" Blogging Event:

There goes the siren that warns of the air raid
Then comes the sound of the guns sending flak
Out for the scramble we've got to get airborne
Got to get up for the coming attack.

Jump in the cockpit and start up the engines
Remove all the wheelblocks there's no time to waste
Gathering speed as we head down the runway
Gotta get airborne before it's too late.

Running, scrambling, flying
Rolling, turning, diving, going in again
Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die
Run, live to fly, fly to live. Aces high.

Move in to fire at the mainstream of bombers
Let off a sharp burst and then turn away
Roll over, spin round and come in behind them
Move to their blindsides and firing again.

Bandits at 8 O'clock move in behind us
Ten ME-109's out of the sun
Ascending and turning our spitfires to face them
Heading straight for them I press down my guns

Rolling, turning, diving
Rolling, turning, diving, going in again
Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die
Run, live to fly, fly to live, Aces high.

Part two is up. If you are a history or WWII buff, this looks like it would be your thing: "first" person perspective complete with period and service-specific vernacular. Pretty interesting and innovative stuff. Kind of a digital-age version of that old radio show "You Are There".

Although Mitch doesn't help himself with the whole suspension-of-disbelief thing when he starts off with his character talking about his MacIntosh. (Note to Mitch: An Apple 2e would have gotten you closer to the time period.)

Moron Mail: Mimicking MoveOn's Monstrously Misinformed Malarkey

Here's the latest from the "reality-based community":

President Bush's choice for the Supreme Court, Judge John G. Roberts, wrote a dissenting opinion that the Endangered Species Act is unconstitutional. In other words, he believes that
Congress doesn't necessarily have the power to pass environmental laws.

To those who vote Republican and consider themselves environmentalists: nice going.

Eric Jaffa, Brooklyn Center.

You've probably heard murmurs of this trope going around - something having to do with an endangered toad. In fact that whole first paragraph sounds like a talking point. Let's check:

Yep (from MoveOn):

Environmental protections when the dissent he wrote on an Endangered Species Act case, had it been in the majority, would have struck the Act down as unconstitutional in many cases, and would have threatened a wide swath of workplace, public safety and civil rights protections.

And lest you have any doubt that Mr. Jaffa actually reads the moonbat rantings from MoveOn, be informed that he does donate to the organization.

Wow! Judge Roberts wanted to strike down the Endangered Species Act. What a radical wingnut!

Er, no. It's all bullshit. An assertion of uninformed stupidity at best; a blatant, evil, baldfaced lie at worst.

I thought people like Eric Jaffa fancied themselves intellectuals - you know, smarter than all of us drooling rubes in Jesusland. Well, a hallmark of intelligence is not taking at face value every assertion shot your way by a bunch of moonbat activists. Someone with intellectual curiosity might have actually read the opinion.

Had Mr. Smartie Pants actually read Roberts' dissenting opinion in Rancho Viejo v. Norton, he would have discovered that:

1) The dissent was from an order of the DC Circuit Court of Appeals (DC CCA) denying a petition to rehear the case en banc (that is, in front of the whole court, not the typical three-judge panel). Thus his dissent was of a procedural matter, not a substantive one;

2) Roberts was concerned that the DC CCA's was in conflict with a decision by the Fifth Circuit, and he thought that that the DC CCA's decision (which he did not hear - remember this was an opinion dismissing a petition for rehearing) was wrongly decided based on the common Supreme Court precedents that both courts applied. ;

3) As close as Roberts got to "declaring the Endangered Species Act unconstitutional" was to opine that the Constitution's grant of power to regulate interstate commerce may not have empowered Congress to regulate IN THIS PARTICULAR INSTANCE, since the toads in question lived wholly within the borders of California and the development in question likewise did not cross state borders;

4) His dissenting opinion did not once use the term "endangered";

5) Or "species".

6) Here's the death blow, from the Roberts' dissent itself (yeah, I read it, moonbats. You should try actually reading something sometime instead of mindlessly parroting talking points):

En banc review is appropriate because the approach of the panel in this case and NAHB now conflicts with the opinion of a sister circuit - a fact confirmed by that circuit's quotation from the NAHB dissent. [citations] . Such review would also afford the opportunity to consider alternative grounds for sustaining application of the Act that may be more consistent with Supreme Court precedent.

Got that, moonbats? No? I'm sorry, I forgot that you won't - or can't - read. Let's look at that last sentence again, with emphasis added:

Such review would also afford the opportunity to consider alternative grounds for sustaining application of the Act that may be more consistent with Supreme Court precedent.

Not only was he not trying to invalidate the Endangered Species Act, he was proposing that the court search for ways that, within precedent, NOT invalidate it. Roberts' dissent in this case is exactly 180 degrees opposite of what the drooling idiots like Eric and MoveOn purport it to be.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Man are you people stupid. Or evil.

To those moonbats like Eric who think that they're smart and know what they're talking about: nice going.

Blogger in Extreme Pain

I almost hit for the cycle in last night's softball game. Unfortunately, I was unable to come up with a dinger at my last at-bat. I came up short of the fence by about 200 feet.

I hit a triple my previous at bat. It was a beautiful gapper to right-center (the Foot displayed a little power to the opposite field!) I started to pull up at second, then I looked to the outfield and realized how far I had hit the ball. The center fielder was just getting to it, so I turned on the afterburners and headed for third (the Foot displayed his blazing speed!) Unfortunately, my hesitation at second allowed the opposing team the opportunity to make a play on me at third. I had to slide, and I did. Hard.

I was wearing shorts.

I no longer have any skin below my upper thigh on the right side of my body.

Expect my posts today to be in short, clipped sentences, with groans and wails of pain interspersed.

And crabbiness. Lots and lots of crabbiness.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

EXCLUSIVE!!!! LearnedFoot Discovers How to Reverse Global Warming

I was inspired by a post at the HuffPo by that cutting-edge scientific mind and wife of the creator of Seinfeld, Laurie David. This bit got me thinking:

More carbon dioxide in the atmosphere now than in 400,000 years. The carbon stays in the atmosphere, acts like a warm blanket and holds in the heat. We are altering the weather. People are doing that. And unless we act now, it will only get worse.

"Act now" indeed! But how?

One other scientific fact makes the solution to this crisis obvious: when humans - or any other mammal for that matter - breathes, it inhales oxygen, but exhales...

CARBON DIOXIDE!!!!!

The answer is clear: everybody has to stop breathing!

You folks, over there in Hollywood: you guys go first.

Or we can just slaughter all mammals.

Brains in Exile: a Survey of the Worst Opinions on the Roberts Nomination

CAUTION: THE FOLLOWING POST MAKES GRATUITOUS USE OF THE PHRASE "BLOW ME". PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

When I was but a wee lad in elementary school, I was taught the difference between "fact" and "opinion". "Facts" were provable things, and thus sometimes a person's assertion of "fact" could be "wrong". On the other hand, "opinions" by their very nature could never be characterized as "wrong".

But then again, the phrase "lickspittle idiots" never appeared in my third grade speller.

And so we begin our peregrinations around the most insipid of "opinions" regarding the Supreme Court nominee with Old Faithful Predictable: the Strib:

...if he indicates he subscribes to the beliefs of Scalia, Thomas and other supporters of the so-called "Constitution in exile" -- meaning the Constitution as it was interpreted prior to the New Deal -- then he should not be confirmed.

"Constitution in exile"? "So called"? I haven't heard this term yet. And I'm certain that it hasn't been so widely or prominently used to merit describing it as "so called". I wonder if the Strib got the Dem's talking points memo early and jumped the gun.

And BTW what's wrong with interpreting the Constitution as it was before the New Deal? FDR's nominees, pursuant to his desire to "pack the court" with judges so far afield that they would interpret the Commerce Clause (and later, for their own reasons, the Due Process clauses) to mean whatever helped FDR's New Deal programs pass constitutional muster, were not the ones who "exiled the Constitution"? Antonin Scalia - a justice who believes you ought to read what's actually in the damn document rather than what's not in it - is exiling the constitution?

Remember way back when if the Constitution was silent - or wrong - about some current aspect of American life, we just amended it? We don't need to do that any more because judges like the type that the Strib loves do it for us. Good thing too - they're so much smarter than we are.

But the lefties whine; "But amending the Constitution is sooooo haaaaaard, and it takes soooooooo loooooong!"

Yes, but it's constitutional.

Blow me you morons.

Speaking of morons, lets go to the letters:

President Bush made his nomination of a Supreme Court justice early to take the heat off Karl Rove, and the Star Tribune bought it hook, line and sinker.

On Wednesday, the nomination dominated the front page, and the Karl Rove scandal was on A5.

Vern Kohlhof, Apple Valley.

You're on to something Vern - if that is your real name. Because we all just *know* that the drooling DFL hacks that comprise the Strib's editorial board would never want to see Rove's head on a platter.

After a performance of geniality and promises to consult with both parties in Congress, George W. Bush picked a Republican politico for the Supreme Court.

The man who prides himself on his "leadership" had an opportunity to show some by nominating a judge who is a partisan of the law rather than of a particular political party. Instead, Congress winds up for yet another partisan debate.

A good leader wouldn't have to rely so much on ideological cronies.

Donna Callender, Edina.

Oh Donna. I point you to the reference about FDR's court packing mentioned above, and ask you (and those like you) the following question:

Was FDR a bad "leader" for appointing partisan politico cronies who never found a constitutional infirmity with anything he did?

I didn't think so. Blow me you morons.

We conclude our tour of mindless judicial rhetoric with - what else? - the New York Times (via the Pi Press):

The far right is on a drive to resurrect ancient, and discredited, states' rights theories. If extremists take control of the Supreme Court, we will end up with an America in which the federal government is powerless to protect against air pollution, unsafe working conditions and child labor. There are reasons to be concerned about Roberts on this score. He dissented in an Endangered Species Act case in a way that suggested he might hold an array of environmental laws, and other important federal protections, to be unconstitutional.

"Discredited states' rights theories". Heh.

How an "extremist" reads the 10th Amendment:

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

And how a "moderate" in the eyes of the Times reads that same piece of text:

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States courts respectively, or to the people Democratic party, unless the courts see it otherwise in the penumbrae that we, the Framers, have cleverly hidden herein.

Blow me you morons.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

CSPI Heroically Protecting the Self Esteem of Fruit

Duct tape your head.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest has taken exception to a new Apple Jacks advertisement.

Why is this particular ad so offensive?

Is it racist?

No.

Is it sexist?

No.

Does it glorify sweatshop labor? Is it cruel to animals?

No and no.

According to CSPI, this particular ad is outrageously fruitist:

The ads and accompanying web site depict a fictional character named "Bad Apple" as "sour" and "grouchy"—in contrast to a Jamaican-accented cinnamon stick character described as "laid back" and "happy." The ad tells kids that "Apple Jacks doesn't taste like apples,"—as if that's a good thing— "because the sweet taste of cinnamon is the winner, mon."

"It's bad enough that Kellogg's is selling a cereal that has more sugar, and, in fact, more salt, than apples or apple juice concentrate," said Margo G. Wootan, director of nutrition policy at the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI). "But to then go and trash the taste of real apples adds insult to injury."

I suppose CSPI wouldn't have found the ad so offensive had the Jamaican cinnamon stick befriended the apple and invited the apple to spark up a bowl with him.

After all, Apple Jacks is made out of toasted grains.

Irie irie, mon.

Some Predictions About the Coming Senate Confirmation Poo-Flinging Contest

Time to dust off my Nostradamus hat and take a look at what the impending Senate confirmation hearings of John Roberts will hold:

1) Of course there will be the usual boring abortion questions from the left; idiots like Chucky Schumer and Barbara Boxer will preen in front of the cameras, belching out lefty talking points calculated to make "abortion rights" look like the sole and overriding reason that the framers enacted the Bill of Rights.

Yawn.

There will be different case that the Dems will make asses of themselves demagoguing: Hamdan v. Rumsfeld.

In the Hamdan case, just decided last week, the DC Circuit Court of Appeals reversed a district court ruling that the United States Military could not use military tribunals to try enemy combatants captured in the course of fighting the Islamo-fascists. It was a unanimous opinion.

John Roberts was one of the three judges to pass on that case.

Expect the debate to go something like this:

Moonbat Senator: Roberts will trample your civil liberties! Just look at the Hamden case! Has he no respect for due process of law?!!

Senator With a Brain: It was a unanimous opinion, jerk.

MS: Yes but all three judges in that case were appointed by Republicans...

SWB: ...Who were overruling a flaming moonbat judge who was appointed by Bill Clinton.

MS: Oh yeah - well, you smell!

SWB: F**k you, jerkoff.

MS: You wanna fight, wingnut?

SWB: Bring it, yo.

[Senator With a Brain fells Moonbat Senator with one bitch-slap.]

"Cooling saucer" indeed!

2) Noted arch-conservative and Marquette Alumnus Denbo will become so frustrated with the confirmation proceedings that, in a fit of depression, he will eat two pounds of bacon in one sitting. Raw.

3) The phrase "John Roberts is out of the mainstream" will be uttered by a Democrat once very 3.7 seconds. In fact, people will get so tired of hearing the phrase "out of the mainstream" that many will resort to pulling their eyeballs from their sockets and cramming them in their ears, just so they don't have to hear it any more.

3.5) "Out of the mainstream" will be redefined as meaning: "the 50% of this county's population that thinks that Roe v. Wade was a poorly-reasoned and disastrous decision that further usurped the power of the popularly elected plenary bodies of federal and state governments to dictate public policy, and cemented the Warren Court's vision of fashioning the Supreme Court into an imperial force, accountable to no one."

4) It is very possible that we will see Ted Kennedy actually explode into a smelly red cloud of flesh, sinew, entrails and Chivas Regal.

Hopefully, Pat Leahy will be standing next to him when it happens.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Live Blogging the Announcement of Bush's Supreme Court Nominee

7:55 I'm here on location in the White House State dining room to live blog the Big Announcement. All the speculation, threats, recriminations, and threats of recriminations are about to climax.

7:56 My take: If my sources are sound - and believe me: they are - the nominee will possess the disciplined legal mind of Antonin Scalia, the charming wit of Benjamin Cordozo, and the rugged good looks of Byron "Whizzer" White.

7:57 Fred e-mails, asking how I know such things. Suffice it to say that I have it on good authority. You could say that I know this person that Bush is about to nominate like I know myself.

7:58 Biff e-mails to ask how I got access to the same room in which the Prez will be making his announcement.

Well, Biff, that's for me to know and you to find out.

Hehe.

7:59 The Big Moment is almost here! There's some dude in a red tie here with us. What's he doing here?

8:00 Here comes the Prez! I'm so excited, I could just pee. All those years of legal education, study and vast student loan debt have come down to this moment! I am shaking.

That dude in the red tie is giving me weird looks.

Why is he walking to the podium with the President???

8:02 Bush is about to divulge the name! Yes, I can finally divulge the secret that I've been keeping for lo these many days: George W Bush has nominated m-

WHAT THE F*CK???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOHN ROBERTS???????? WHO THE HELL IS JOHN ROBERTS???!!!!!!!!

DAMN YOU BUSH! YOU LIED TO ME!!!!!!! YOU LIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!

8:15 I am now mainlining Long Island iced teas. Bite me.

FINAL THOUGHT: At least its a conservative white male. That oughta piss off the no-mind dumbshit lobotomized "Diversity" people.

Need more booze.

Programming Note

I will be live blogging George Bush's announcement of his nominee to succeed Sandra Day O'Connor tonight.

Be there!

"American Hiroshima" Graffiti

If this is true, it's a bad bad thing.

Here's the bit that caused my butt to pucker:

At least half the nuclear weapons in the al-Qaida arsenal were obtained for cash from the Chechen terrorist allies.

But the most disturbing news is that high level U.S. officials now believe at least some of those weapons have been smuggled into the U.S. for use in the near future in major cities as part of this "American Hiroshima" plan.

One additional observation re: the speculated dates of an attack:

August 6, the anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing falls on a Saturday this year, meaning the downtowns of the hypothetical target cities will be less crowded. That day may be less attractive to a terrorist because of the fewer potential casualties. On the other hand...

Saturday is the Jewish Sabbath.

But I'm sure this report is just hysterical speculation. I hope.

I may have to cut short my trip to Washington DC. Oops. I've said too much.

Lines, Lines, Everywhere There's Lines

Sigh. Nothing to get the blood boiling today. Same ol' "Karl Rove" this and "Supreme Court" that. Even the Strib's opinion page - usually rife with stupidity - is, well, still rife with stupidity; but it's a benign kind of stupidity.

Let's go with some filler material.

A few weeks ago, we took a trip down the 19th fairway together, reminiscing about all the great lines from Caddyshack that were ignored by the AFI when it compiled its list of the 100 most memorable movie quotes. Instead, we got "Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

Well there were other egregious snubs as well. Not one quote made the list from either This is Spinal Tap or Stripes.

Here are a few for the AFI's consideration, if it ever chooses to rectify its errors:

SPINAL TAP

* You can't really dust for vomit.

* Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

* NIGEL: (Playing a classical-sounding piece on the piano) I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those. It's like a Mach piece, really.

MARTY: It's pretty. What do you call this?

NIGEL: I call it "Lick My Love Pump".

* It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.

* These amps go to eleven.

* The review for "Shark Sandwich" was merely a two word review which simply read "Shit Sandwich".

STRIPES

* My friends call me Ox. I don't know if you've noticed, but I got a slight weight problem.

* We're soldiers; but we're American soldiers. We've been kickin' ass for 200 years. We're 10 and 1.

* Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual.

* You are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy.

* He blewed up, sir!

* Army training, sir!

* That's a fact, Jack!

* PSYCHO: The name's Francis Sawyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, I'll kill you...Also, I don't like no one touching my stuff. So just keep your meathooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. And I don't like nobody touching me. Any of you *homos* touch me, I'll kill you.

SGT. HULKA: Lighten up, Francis.

There's many many more. Feel free to fill in the blanks.

The Genuinely Clueless Air "America" Quote o' the Day

The carbon-based drone filling in for Nonmonkey today mused about why the Republicans were so "successful" in this last state legislative session.

[Here, LearnedFoot pauses to allow the laughter and hooting to abate.]

He concluded that this "success" was due to the Republican's ability to (Familiar Lefty Trope Warning!) control the message. Which lead this complete wiener to utter this doozy, comparing Minnesota Republicans to...

..the Chinese communists:

The reason that the communists have been able to hold onto power in China is because they control the message from the top down.

[Here, LearnedFoot's head explodes.]

The ChiCom's retention of power has nothing to do with:

* The fact that all other political parties are illegal.

* Dissenters to the party line are jailed or worse.

* Tanks. Lots and lots of tanks.

So I guess they do control the message. In a kind of violent and oppressive way.

Yes, the overriding factor is the message; which the Democrats aren't getting out; which is why they keep getting their asses handed to them.

Maybe they should get some tanks.

Monday, July 18, 2005

The Star & Sickle Mailbag

Two letters from today’s edition of the Star & Sickle struck me. I’ve printed them in their entirety.

Health risk to whom?
A July 12 letter writer stated that she believes a health-impact fee should be put in place on fast food and alcohol because they pose the same health risk as smoking.
My question to her is: How does one person's eating or excessive drinking threaten other people's health the way smoking does?
Jared McMorris, Plymouth.

Jared, Jared, Jared. Are you naturally stupid, or did years of attending public schools dull your brain almost to the point of nonuse?

Have you ever heard of drunken driving? It usually happens after someone has consumed copious amounts of alcohol. Very often, the one who drank excessively will hit and injure, if not kill, innocent bystanders. People who were just going about their business and, WHAM, had their life snuffed out by some asshole who decided getting shit-faced and driving was a good idea.

Other than that, I can’t think of a single way excessive drinking threatens other people.

As for secondhand smoke, stay away from cigarettes and you won’t have to worry, Jared.

Fact is, with the restrictions placed on smokers today, you have to go out of your way to be exposed.

I hate the very idea of a sin tax, but, Jared, you really should think more before you decide to pop off at someone.

I’ve included the next one for comedic value.

Cruelty defined
About foie gras and human cruelty (Commentary, July 13): There is never justification for cruelty.

When the cruelty is wielded against defenseless people, it is even more loathsome, if that is possible.


When the cruelty is implemented against undefended living creatures in order to obtain a superfluous food that nobody needs, there is no word in the dictionary to define such a situation of extreme cruelty.

This is the sad case with the foie gras.

Geese and ducks are beautiful animals, born to be free, not to be fed to death in order to please people.

I wonder if the undeserved and unimaginable suffering endured by these wonderful animals is worth it for those people who still are able to eat foie gras without vomiting.

Foie gras should be a historic, shameful occurrence only useful to teach our children about the past denigration of human beings in the time they did not respect other living beings and the earth.

I wonder if there is any limit for human cruelty.
Peter Lorenson, Rochester.

I’m off to 4 days of meetings.

Pray for me.

The World Sends Its Best Wishes

As most of you no doubt know, yesterday marked the sixth year that Mrs. Foot and I have been engaged in marital bliss. Coincidentally Sunday was also six years from the date that Noted Marquette Alumnus and Category 3 Hurricane Denbo picked up the largest bar tab in recorded history.

The Missus and I have been inundated with all manner of congratulations from around the globe. Here's a sampling:

"Wow: 6 years! Tramps like you guys - baby you were born to be dancing in the dark tunnel of love, wrapped up like a deuce - another runner in the night SPRINGSTEEN RULES!!!!" - Mitch

***

"ME EXTEND TO YOU HEARTY CONGRATULATION ON YOU SPECIAL DAY!!!! LOVE A MANY SPLENDORED THING!!!!! INDEED!!!!" -Dementee

***

The following was attached to a fruit basket we received from none other than the Guv:

"I hope you enjoy this gift fruit enhancement parcel on your special day. My wife and I would invite you to the Governor's Mansion for a cocktail to celebrate you anniversary, but frankly we think that you are beneath us." -Tim Pawlenty

***

"AHA! I knew that you were somebody's monkey, you wingnut!" - N. Monkey

***

"Antonin Scalia is an activist judge! Go read my blog to find out more!" -Eva

***

"To hear that you guys have been married for six years makes me happier than billy goat at a tin can eating contest!" - Dan Rather

***

"Thank you for not damaging the institution of marriage by getting divorced." - The Guy Who Writes the Same-Sex Marriage Lobby's Talking Points.

***

"Sunday was the sixth anniversary of the greatest heartbreak I ever suffered: hearing the news that LearnedFoot was no longer available. *sob*" -Eve Longoria

***

"Six years? You must have one hell of a pre-nup!" - JLo

***

Thank you all for your kind words.

CLOSED CIRCUIT TO MRS. FOOT: Love ya' Sparky!

Competence Returns to KAR

Bill has returned from his vacation and restored order to the blog.

We've been talking for some time about doing a tribute to Jack Nicklaus. Nicklaus' swan song at the British Open this weekend provided the opportunity to do so. Seeing the images and video of the Golden Bear's final bow from atop the Slikwan Stillwan Stillwater Swikster Banaian Bridge on the 18 hole at The Old Course continues to make me verklempt.

Getting one's name on the Claret Jug? Pfft. You're nobody until you've been immortalized by being placed side by side with Kool Aid Guy.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Puke & Snot Screwing Up Minnesota?

I caught a portion of the Local Collaborative Radio Talk Show this afternoon. The topic of discussion in the show's third hour was: which persons were doing the most to screw up Minnesota? The hosts offered up all manner of solid choices, like Mike Hatch and, er, well, Mike Hatch. And up to a point, the callers pretty much nailed it as well.

Then "Paul" called in.

"Paul" is a moron.

"Paul's" nominee for one (actually two) of the 100 people screwing up Minnesota was...

The Rennaisance Festival comedy team "Puke and Snot".

Of all the people screwing up this state (and in this context, Nick Coleman counts as 10 people), this moron chooses two guys who come out in public six weekends per year to make poop jokes.

Like I said, "Paul" is a drooling moron.

I hope Nihilist in Golf Pants heard this segment. I would love to see him skewer "Paul" the moron (perhaps in a top 11 list!), because I'm certain that the NIGP would think this guy was a moron too.

Wow! Guess You Moonbats Really Are Patriotic After All!

Here's a sampling of today's moron mail followed by a question:

What is true of 6-year-olds is not true of White House staffers. Whether Karl Rove said Valerie Plame's name or just referred to her as Joseph Wilson's wife, the result was the same. He caused a security breech for the United States at a time when a breech could have weakened our safety.

***

Karl Rove is discovered to be doing what President George H.W. Bush called treasonous behavior, and Sen. Norm Coleman defended him by calling comments about it "Democratic rhetoric"?

***

Even if every single lie the Republicans are telling about Joseph Wilson and his wife were actually true, there is still no defense for outing a CIA agent.

***

Can anyone imagine what would have happened if this same episode had taken place with Bill Clinton as president? For goodness' sake, the man was impeached for a personal failing. Karl Rove has compromised national security.

***

OK moonbats, I'm curious: When exactly did you imbiciles actually start caring about the integrity of the CIA's clandestine operations? Or "national security" for that matter?

[Crickets chirping]

Was it last week?

That's what I thought.

Friday, July 15, 2005

K to tha A-Rizzy: Funky Ass Shiznit

Remember Gizoogle - that Google clone that can translate web pages into Snoop -Dawg lingo? Thought I'd transmalate KAR today. It doesn't disappoint. Some highlights:

The last paragraph of this post, as transmalated (Rated 'R'):

Therefore I suggest thizzat all you hysterizzle lefties out there breathe into a baller bag n shut tha H-to-tha-izzell up until you actually have some, er what's it called, oh yeah . I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon.: MATERIAL evidence like old skool shit.

And the title of Dementee's "Nice Owls" post:

Funky Ass Owls

A passage from 'Funky Ass Owls":

[Council brotha Natalie] Johnson Lee said she doesn't think B-L-to-tha-izzock E is "the appropriate place fo` a Hoota" coz it doesn't fit in tha family/neighborhood image downtown tries ta present.

Family/neighborhood image: W-H-to-tha-izzat is this C-H-to-tha-izzick smok'n? I’d like ta kniznow wizzy her family does fo` fun.

Council Nigga Gary Schiff, who was critical of tha Hoota' recruitment effort two years ago, said he is dismayed. "It would jizzy dizzy down tha cachet of tha entire property,"

"Council brotha Natalie Johnson Lee"!

Gizoogle is a national treasure.

More proof of the idiocy of the Left

I found this one linked at realclearpolitics.com yesterday and wanted to respond, but thought it best to let things play out a bit.

The author, Anatole Kaletsky, should have waited before submitting this particularly stinky scrotum sweat.

His premise is simple, if not simplistic:

The most important conclusion to be drawn from the bombers’ banal backgrounds is that these killings should be treated as pure criminal acts with no political significance whatsoever.

But the four young Muslims who made a suicide pact and decided to take 60 Londoners with them, are best compared to the random psychopathic killers who shoot their way to brief notoriety in every advanced society from time to time.

[B]ut the worst act of terrorism in postwar Western history before September 11: the Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 people in 1995. Timothy McVeigh, the perpetrator, was, like the London bombers, a small-time loser who felt he was acting out of intense ideological and religious motives.

Talk about opening your pie hole too soon. If comrade Kaletsky is right, we would not be seeing headlines such as Chemist Caught in Cairo, and London-Pakistan Link Probed.

If the attacks were McVeigh-like in origin, just four wackos out to make a name for themselves, why, dear Anatole, are arrests being made in Cairo and inquiries in Pakistan.

Taking your theory to its ultimate conclusion, I can only assume you believe the 9/11/01 hijackings and attacks were purely coincidental. That it was four independent groups of soulless Muslims who just happened to have the same idea of killing as many infidels as possible.

You, Anatole, are a moron, a raving idiot whose spittle should be printed in newspapers across the world. Vapid reasoning like yours should not be limited to those in the UK, I want all the world to know how the Left thinks.

I truly believe yours is not an uncommon supposition. On the contrary, your vacuous beliefs are dominant on the Left and should be shouted loud and clear many times per day with the goal of letting all the world see how Leftist ideology will get them killed.

Tag Teaming With the Monk to Provide Cutting-Edge Legal Analysis

The Warrior Monk provides a look at the statute that Karl Rove is alleged to have violated, in the horribly mistitled "It Depends On What the Meaning of 'Any' Is." Go read it. Now.

I'll wait....

[LearnedFoot hums "The Flight of Icarus" softly to himself.]

You're back. Great! Let's continue.

I say that Monk's otherwise solid post is mistitled because the outcome of this whole Rove mess will not turn on what the meaning of "any" is. Everybody knows what any means. It means "any".

[The gathered masses gasp in admiration; some exclaim "You truly are the Learned Foot!"]

And, to put to rest a growing trope from the right, the outcome will not turn on the meaning of "covert agent," since that term is defined so broadly in 50 USC 426 that the scope of its definition could include anyone in the CIA from Jack Ryan on down to the guy who changes the batteries in all those cool spy gizmos.

No, the Rove / Wilson / Plame ordeal will depend on a different word: "scienter".

The Monk mentions this, but gives it pretty short shrift. The scienter element of section 421 provides:

...knowing that the information disclosed so identifies such covert agent and that the United States is taking affirmative measures to conceal such covert agent's intelligence relationship to the United States...

So in order hang Rove, achieving the left's equivalent of a wet dream, the prosecutor has to prove inter alia:

1) Rove was actually giving a reporter information for the purpose of allowing that reporter to identify Plame (that is: Rove's disclosure was calculated to bring about the result of Plame being outed) Remember: there's no evidence that Rove even knew Plame's name (more on that below); AND

2) Rove was aware that the government was trying to keep Plame's identity a secret.

And here are the facts that we've got so far:

Rove told the grand jury that by the time Novak had called him, he believes he had similar information about Wilson's wife from another member of the news media but he could not recall which reporter had told him about it first, the person said.

When Novak inquired about Wilson's wife working for the CIA, Rove indicated he had heard something like that, according to the source's recounting of the grand jury testimony.

Rove told the grand jury that three days later, he had a phone conversation with Time magazine reporter Matt Cooper and - in an effort to discredit some of Wilson's allegations - informally told Cooper that he believed Wilson's wife worked for the CIA, though he never used her name, the source said.


An e-mail Cooper recently provided the grand jury shows Cooper reported to his magazine bosses that Rove had described Wilson's wife in a confidential conversation as someone who "apparently works" at the CIA.

"he believes he had similar information about Wilson's wife"

"informally told Cooper that he believed Wilson's wife worked for the CIA, though he never used her name"

"Rove had described Wilson's wife in a confidential conversation as someone who "apparently works" at the CIA"

Granted, this is Rove's own testimony. But if the investigation cannot turn up any evidence that Rove had anything other than a vague notion that "Wilson has a wife in the Agency," then neither of the above elements of the statute's scienter requirement can be satisfied. This statute does not provide a strict liability or even negligence standard. An accident does not count.

And no, lefty bloggers and moonbat trolls, I'm not saying that such evidence doesn't exist. I'm merely saying that all these "facts" y'all keep throwing around do not bear on the criminality, or even the wrongfulness for that matter (in my opinion), of Rove's actions.

Therefore I suggest that all you hysterical lefties out there breathe into a paper bag and shut the hell up until you actually have some, er what's it called, oh yeah: MATERIAL evidence.

Moron Mail

Sometimes no comment is necessary. This is one of those times:

Rove's senator or ours?

Is Norm Coleman a U.S. senator or a political attack dog? I called his Washington office Wednesday to voice my concerns about the Karl Rove scandal and was met with a prepared text chalking up any of Rove's problems to simply a partisan attack by Democrats.
Now, in Thursday's Star Tribune, I see the Republicans have tapped Coleman to be a leader in defending Rove.


If Coleman wishes to simply advance the cause du jour of the White House, he should resign from government service and take a job in politics. I remember when there was a distinction between the two.

Charles Smith-Dewey, Lakeville.

Resign from the Senate...

to take a job in...

politics.

! ! ! ! ! !

Who let this idiot into Lakeville?

Blog Header In Crisis: Day 5

Bill goes on vacation, and everything goes to hell.

First the KAR patented Intellectual Property Rights Avoidance Widgit failed. Then the Photoshop Image Modulator melted. So I had to use MS Paintbrush to fill the space until Bill returns and bails us out.

On the plus side, my new design might qualify as "impressionist" "minimalist" for Sisyphus' appreciation.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Head Update

Still working on it. My new design should be up sometime tomorrow.

Speaking of head...

While you wait, check out this article.

So. Many. Jokes.

Do I start with "chicken seller" or Hillary Clinton?

Dispatches From Ted Rall's Colon

[CAUTION: This post contains an extremely long run-on sentence]

Every so often, one encounters a person who has his head buried so far up his butt, that he can see his own tonsils.

Many times, that person turns out to be Ted Rall.

You remember Ted: that cartoonist who can't draw, isn't funny, is often offensive, makes up "facts" on the fly, and speaks with a deep lisp? Of course you do. The first indication of the locus of Ted's melon comes from this doozy in a dopey "column" of his that appeared this week (all emphasis is mine):

If, as state-controlled media insist, there is such a creature as a Global War on Terrorism, our enemies are underground Islamist organizations allied with or ideologically similar to those that attacked us on 9/11.

Now if Ted's head weren't so firmly ensconced between his upper and lower intestine, Ted would be referring to PBS; the former home of such egregiously right-wing programs like "NOW with Billshit Moyers".

One gets the impression that Ted isn't talking about PBS when he calls it "state-controlled media".

Oh, but of course Ted is not a node of the "state controlled media," so you can trust him!

Fartknocker.

You can tell that Ted has burrowed all the way up to his pyloric sphincter when you read this one:

If Newsweek's report is accurate, Karl Rove is more morally repugnant and more anti-American than Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden, after all, has no affiliation with, and therefore no presumed loyalty to, the United States. Rove, on the other hand, is a U.S. citizen and, as deputy White House chief of staff, a high-ranking official of the U.S. government sworn to uphold and defend our nation, its laws and its interests. Yet he sold out America just to get even with Joe Wilson.

Let's tally the repugnance score:

OSAMA: Openly advocates, plans and funds operations intentionally calculated to kill as many innocent civilians as possible, so that his perverse strain of hyper-oppressive Islam can dominate the world.

RI: (Repugnance Index) 10 (out of 10)

KARL: Told a reporter that the guy who released a report stating that there was no evidence that Iraq was trying to buy uranium in Niger, despite the fact that the Brits -who came up with that intelligence, and who obviously aren't as smart, well-connected and resourceful as he is - stand by that intelligence to THIS DAY, and that he got the authority to make the trip to Niger from his unnamed wife (who kept her maiden name) who works in the "agency". Oh and by the way, both are Democratic Party hacks who are working on the Kerry campaign, and if you haven't noticed: there's a presidential election coming up, so the report Wilson made, in light of these circumstances, is highly suspect at best, and an outright lie at worst.

RI: (If you are a mouth-breathing cretin who learned your civics lessons from reading placards in Northrop Mall and like the smell of your own butt) 10

RI: (If you are a sentient human being) 1 - maybe.

There's more - much more - but the stench of Ted's sphincteral emanations are beginning to overcome me.

Read the whole thing, and appreciate that you are one of the lucky ones - one with a brain unmarred by fecal matter.

Nice Owls

Of all the issues facing the city, like an almost-record murder rate, why does the Minneapolis City Council give a flying fart about Hooters wanting to open a restaurant on Block E?

The indignation they and the mayor are displaying is hilarious.

And another thing, have any of the morons on the city council actually visited downtown recently? Obviously not:

[Council member Natalie] Johnson Lee said she doesn't think Block E is "the appropriate place for a Hooters" because it doesn't fit in the family/neighborhood image downtown tries to present.

Family/neighborhood image: What is this chick smoking? I’d like to know what her family does for fun. I

Council Member Gary Schiff, who was critical of the Hooters' recruitment effort two years ago, said he is dismayed. "It would just drag down the cachet of the entire property,"

Heaven forbid we should do anything that will drag down the area surrounding First Avenue.

Council Member Barbara Johnson said putting Hooters in Block E would be a disappointment because it's a "low-class" restaurant lacking in "good taste and civility."

Unlike The Hard Rock Café which represents all that is good and wholesome about Rock and Roll.

Mayor R.T. Rybak also is opposed: "It's a terrible idea and does not represent the values we want downtown."

Rybak said if the city has any leverage to block Hooters, he "will certainly use it."

Then there’s the always available Feminist Super Lawyer:

Lori Peterson, a Minneapolis lawyer who sued Hooters in about a dozen lawsuits alleging sexual discrimination and settled all out of court, had a lot to say.
"Their entire theme is to demean women, capitalize on their sexuality and turn them into caricatures," she said.

She likened Hooters to opening a restaurant that played on stereotypes of black people and catered to white customers, forcing the servers to "wear racist costumes and behave in a subservient ... manner."

Earth to Lori, it is the women who capitalize on their own sexuality and rake in big fat tips as a result.

And your analogy to a restaurant that makes black servers “behave in a subservient…manner” is simply ridiculous.

Pro Choice is the mantra, Lori. You’d do well to remember that outside of the issue of abortion.

For the love of God, is this city in such wonderful shape and the struggle for women’s rights so over that we have to worry about the most inane of issues?

Don't get your lace panties in a bunch. Relax and grab a chicken wing.

Not Right in the Head

Disappointing news abounds in the world of blog headers:

* Despite overwhelming public support for changing its name to "Natalie Portman in a KAR Thong," the Nihilist in Golf Pants will retain its original name.

* Reaction to KAR's new Iron Maiden-centric design has been underwhelming. I'll put the old header back until I can fabricate a new design.

UPDATE: OH CRAP!

UPDATE 2: I'm working on a replacement. Hang on...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Supreme Court Declares 3rd Amendment Unconstitutional

WASHINGTON D.C. (PU) In an unprecedented move, the United States Supreme Court declared a provision of the Constitution unconstitutional today.

On the heels of the controversial Kelo decision, the court further delineated the boundaries of acceptable government intrusion of private property rights. Justice Stevens, writing for the 5 justice majority, wrote: "Given the penumbrae and emanations and shiny paisley-like spinny things this court found shooting out of the Fifth Amendment, allowing us to interpret 'public use' to mean 'public good', it seems clear to the Court that in order to follow our earlier decision in Kelo v. New London [citations] the third Amendment must be struck down."

The case, encaptioned Fleebowitz v. Iowa stemmed from the Iowa Navy National Guard's decision to force citizens of Iowa to provide room and board for its sailors. The INNG offered as a reason for the radical policy: "its an antiterrorism measure, and these guys have no place to live. Two birds with one stone, and all that."

Today's decision affirmed this tactic: "The Court approves of Iowa's sound public policy of simultaneously providing homes for destitute sailors and protecting Iowans from any terrorist attacks that may come by sea.

"Since the INNG's policy is in the interest of the public good, and since the Third Amendment unduly interferes from the government's duty to serve the public good, the Court can no longer view the Amendment as good law."

The Court also attempted to assuage fears of an overreaching government that might result from the decision: "In Kelo this Court affirmed the constitutionality of a taking for the sole purpose of increasing a municipality's tax base. It is in this context that we find nothing in our decision today that should cause alarm. In Kelo, property was taken in toto, that is: the city acquired the entire fee interest in each owners' property. Here, the citizens of Iowa are merely giving up a room and some grub for a finite period of time. It's cool: call it 'Eminent Domain Lite'."

Many legal experts have surmised for some time that the Third Amendment has been on creaky legs for some time, and its days were numbered. In dicta, Stevens detailed that the amendment's vagueness was also a problem: "The Court also notes that even if the Third Amendment were not constitutionally infirm, Fleebowitz's claim would still fail, for the plain language of the amendment states that 'no soldier shall be quartered in any house...' (Emphasis mine). Any idiot can see that those to be quartered in the case at bar are not soldiers, but sailors. And we find unpersuasive [Fleebowitz's] argument that the framers intended to include navymen in the definition of 'soldier', because that definition simply does not suit the Court.'"

In his concurring opinion, Justice Kennedy implied that foreign law may have had some influence on the court's decision.

"There are myriad counties around the world - China, Zimbabwe, Libya and Uruguay, to name but a few - that allow the government to quarter troops in the common citizens' homes," he wrote.

Justice Souter penned a cryptic concurring opinion that has legal experts puzzled. Souter stated in the one-sentence opinion: "I really dig that Boz Scaggs song - what's it called? - 'Liter' or 'Ledo' or something."

Activist Justice Scalia filed a fiery dissent that consisted of four paragraphs of profanities, and concluded with: "I can't believe I breathe the same air as these people! I think I'm having a stroke... AMBULANCE!!!!!!"

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Gee, How Did That Happen?

Today's Google search that landed some poor slob at KAR (beat this one, Doug):

kevin minnesota vomit puke laundry professor drunk party blog

I guess Google ain't all that after all. The googler was obviously searching for this guy.

KAR is the "bill minnesota vomit puke thong lawyer drunk party blog".

Pack This Meat, Pinko

Brother Gigl (the other member of the Milwaukee Brewers Futility Support Group - Minnesota Chapter) notes this catchline in the online PiPress:

Socialists file for St. Paul offices

He shoulda' read the whole thing. If he did, there is no doubt that this quote would have made fire shoot out of his eyes, as did mine:

"The Cuban Revolution, I think, points the way forward for humanity," [Saint Paul Mayoral candidate, and noted meatpacker Jacob] Perasso said.

Yes, St. Paul voters with more than two brain cells have a viable candidate to vote against in the next election. Imagine life in St. Paul during the Perasso administration:

* Every resident would get a "free" rice cooker (A $200 value!)

* The most prevalent automobile would be a super Jerry-rigged 1976 Plymouth Volare (shared amongst 10 families).

* One would frequently see super Jerry-rigged Volares, converted into makeshift boats, floating down the Mississippi River, carrying its occupants to sweet sweet freedom in Cottage Grove.

* Four hour-long commencement speeches every year at Metro State Glorious Revolution University.

* College hippies stop wearing their unwashed Che Guevarra t-shirts and start wearing their unwashed Jay Benanav t-shirts.

* Weekly visits from Sean Penn and Alec Baldwin! Report that St. Paul is a "model society" to the remainder of the county that still has electricity.

* Mayoral decree that everyone attending a broadcast of "Prairie Home Companion" must laugh at all of Garrison Keillor's jokes under pain of death.

* Nonmonkey: Minister of Propaganda. The Ministry of Information is established in the back of a White Castle in Midway.

* Dementee makes millions smuggling out refugees.

* Sisyphus has enough material to last him the rest of his life.

* Grand Avenue renamed "Grand Leap Forward Avenue".

Everything else would pretty much remain the same.

Introducing Your New Art Director

Bill is on vacation this week. To fill the gaping void that his haitus hyatus hayatus Banaianian absence leaves, Bill has thrown me the keys to the KAR Blog Header Generator.

Yes, Bill has finally agreed to let me have a go at graphic design! Mind you, the changes you see will not be a Sisuvian siezure of power (Bill is a former quasi-military guy, so my punishment would involve Leavenworth, not some sissy "detention camp" in the tropics), but rather a Bill-approved experiment designed to to take blog header art in strange new directions.

The inaugural LearnedFoot Header Design will be up shortly.

UPDATE: New header is up! Whaddya think?

Monday, July 11, 2005

Replacing Sandy

I’m more than a bit tired of reading and hearing what the Left has to say regarding SDO’s resignation from the Supreme Court. To hear them speak – or read their words – one is led to believe that the union will dissolve if W does not nominate a “moderate”, “centrist”, “consensus pick”.

And this column by Charles Schumer is a wonderful illustration of the sentiment.

To give you a flavor of what I mean, here more than a few excerpts:

“[SDO’s retirement] offers an opportunity for President Bush to bring the country together; to unite rather than divide, and to allow the Senate to move on to addressing the bread-and-butter issues facing average Americans.”

“His [W’s] selection will have a lot to do with determining his legacy, and I hope that he will seize the day.”

“Both the process and the pick should reflect the American people's ideals of reasonableness, moderation and fair play.”

“[T]he President should consult meaningfully with senators of both parties to arrive at a consensus nominee.”

“I have proposed a summit, at Camp David or even over dinner, where the parties would roll up their sleeves, loosen their ties and have a serious discussion about potential nominees.”

“Because Justice O'Connor was the pivotal swing vote on so many vital issues, the President should take care to preserve balance on the court.”

“[The President] should select a mainstream, thoughtful pragmatist in the mold of O'Connor.”

Oh, piss on it you stupid git.

Schumer is a windbag who represents a party, an ideology, which has run out of power. They hold neither the Executive nor Legislative branch and are struggling to remain relevant.

They have yet to figure out that the people of this country are on to their game. There’s a reason newspapers are hemorrhaging readers and “Out of” Air America Radio can’t convince its employees to listen to the daily bilge.

Nobody is buying what they have to sell.

With the exception of the Clinton Blip, the Left has been handed its collective electoral ass for the last 25 years: An entire generation.

And Clinton only won because he talked, but not governed, more like a Republican than a Democrat.
So, now there’s an opening on the Supreme Court and the Left is flooding newspapers, blogs and radio imploring W to nominate someone who will maintain the “balance” SDO brought to the court.

When Marshall resigned in 1991they begged then President GHW Bush to fill his vacancy with a like-minded jurist.

Can I assume they’ll plead for the same when Chief Justice Rehnquist retires in the near future?

Will we hear the moveon.org freak parade say, “Please, Mr. President, preserve the balance on the court by nominating a conservative from the Rehnquist mold.”

Don’t count on it. They’ll do all they can to make the court as wishy-washy as possible until they have the power to pack it with Ginsburg-type Lefties who they view as moderates.

Remember, in the view of the Left, the political/ideological spectrum starts at moderate and jumps immediately to radical Right Wingers.

They honestly believe, contrary to all evidence, that they are moderate, mainstream and that most of the country believes as they do.

Keep in mind; they are convinced that they continue to lose elections only because they have not been able to “get their message out.”

Dominating the courts is their only hope. If SCOTUS moves to the right they’ll have to focus their efforts on 50 individual states instead of one federal bench.

Diffusing their power can only be positive for individual freedom.

Now, a message to the gonad-free Bill Frist:

The Left is going to go to war over any, repeat ANY, nominee W puts forward. Unless you are up to the challenge, I suggest you resign now so the Republicans in the Senate have enough time to nominate and elect a Majority Leader who will fight Harry Reid and his merry band of Left Wingers.