Friday, September 30, 2005

No Need to Thank Me

After looking over my latest football picks post, I've come to appreciate just how wonderful blogs are. If not for KAR, this sentence would probably never come to exist:

...bettors are just indiscriminately throwing money at the Chargers like a phalanx of Matt Entenzas on crack would throw money at "social programs".

And here's another sentence I never thought would cross my mind, let alone articulate:

Maybe it makes sense to wave an American flag during a song about the Crimean War in JB's world, but the rest of us know better.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About How King Banaian Chooses Football Games to Bet On

And you know when you feel deja vu. -Iron Maiden.

Last week was glorious. 3 for 3 and I am guaranteed to hold the lead for at least another week.

On the heels of my success I started a tip line on Wednesday. Call 1-900-FUT-WINS* now and get the Sunday night point spread winner FREE!

Our logs indicate that Sisyphus has already called my tip line 97 times.

Flash has not. So I'm feeling confident.

On to the games. King's remarks are in italic. He's gone with a deja vu theme:

1. San Diego at New England (-5). This is deja vu all over again. We had a weird 5.5 line last week with the Bolts, but they were favored in that one and blew out the Giants with LaDainian Tomlinson throwing and running all over the Giant defense. The Pats defense is a patchwork affair, but that defense did enough to stymie the Steelers on the road. If Rodney Harrison and Teddy Bruschi and the rest of the defense was healthy, would this line be 7? 8? Let's put this to our prognosticators.

[Sirens blare. Strobe lights wildly flash]

Uh oh. You know what that means?

Yes! This is the BOONDOGGLE LINE OF THE WEEK, sponsored by the Taxpayer's League of Minnesota!



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The only possible explanation for this line is that bettors are just indiscriminately throwing money at the Chargers like a phalanx of Matt Entenzas on crack would throw money at "social programs". Sure the Bolts ritualistically disemboweled the Giants at home last week, but did anybody notice the Pats smacking down a supposedly better Steelers team on the road? Pats giving up only 5 points at home against this team is a no-brainer.

In fact the only reason I can think of to not bet on the Pats is that Flash is probably going to pick them to win too. And that would be the kiss of death for the Pats.

PICK: Patriots.

2. Green Bay at Carolina (-7.5). So how bad are the Packers really? Not so bad that this line moved towards them after opening at 8. This is deja vu too, as the Packers went to AllTel last year as 3.5 dogs and beat the Panthers 24-14. But the Panthers lost a tough game to the Dolphins on turnovers and, at 1-2, need this game to start contending in a tough division with the Falcons and Bucs. The Packers are 0-3 ATS, but have won 5 of their last 6 ATS against Carolina. Which way does this one turn out this time, guys?

Obnoxious Packer Guy?

OPG? Where are you?

Oh, he's passed out on the couch. I'll have to take this one.

There are many tangible factors to consider in this game: the Pack's marked improvement on defense (Ahmad Carroll committed less than 5 illegal hands to the face penalties last week), and despite the Panthaz' win over New England, they appear more and more to be pretenders.

Throw it all out the window. This is the Pack in a Monday night game.

The Packers have a long and storied history of participating in weird MNF games. There was the win over the Redskins by a score of something like 57 to 56. I believe Antonio Freeman's "improbable bobble" touchdown to beat the Vikings was on a Monday night. And last year they got blown out at home by a far inferior Titans team on a Monday night. Weird things happen to the Packers on Monday nights.

This Packers team beating Carolina in Charlotte would fit the definition of "weird" quite neatly. Fortunately for me, they only need to come within a touchdown.

Pick: Packers.

Footnote: I am dedicating this pick to LittleFoot #1 who celebrates her 4th birthday today. Her first word was "Bears," and her second word was "suck." And no I'm not exaggerating. Much.

Indianapolis (-7) at Tennessee. These teams play so often that every down is deja vu -- Indy is 4-0 ATS over the last three years against the Titans. Indy looks great with an improved defense and a running game that has worn people down, but they have had two big numbers and not covered the chalk against the Jags and the Browns. The Titans, though losing last week, have covered the last two weeks and look like they might have righted the ship in a year where they are supposed to be rebuilding. Do the Colts continue to look like the cream of the AFC, or is this the start of their slide to 11-5 and a trip to New England in January?

Eh.

Pick: Colts

UPDATE: And the Penzoil 5-Star Lock of the Week - I maintain my four-point lead.

* Do not call this number. For all I know, it's a phone sex line.

Condescending Shitheads

I can’t believe this one came from the SPPP. It reads like the sewage made famous by the PHPs at the S&S.

That they are against the use of Indian nicknames is not a surprise, but what does get me is the way they simply dismiss the tribes that have, for years, been vocal supporters of they use of their tribal names.

The Seminole Indians of Florida support the use of the name by Florida State. The Illini of Illinois has told the NCAA to keep their hands off the UI mascot. And now the condescending pricks on the SPPP editorial board chime in with their worthless opinion that says, in part:

We were dismayed when the NCAA gave exemptions to the Florida State Seminoles, Central Michigan Chippewas and Utah Utes, primarily because the schools were able to convince local tribes to approve of their use of the mascots and names. In our view, that misses the point. [In other words, the tribes are too damned stupid to make up their own mind and are – like in the old days – being taken advantage of by the White Man]

Then there’s this lovely thought:

It doesn't matter if a logo and nickname are offensive to one tribal member or 1 million. The fact is they're offensive and they're wrong. [Hey, assholes, what if the nickname sn’t offensive to any tribal member? Would that change your tune?]

It is this exact kind of thinking – if even one person is offended than something needs to be done - that has brought about speech codes and diversity training.

Oh, eat me!

Grow a freaking spine prepare to be offended or to have your feelings hurt. If Darwin was right, the people who think like this cannot be long for this world.

Over time, stronger more resilient genes will kick the shit out of the hyper-offensible ones and the world will be right, again.

Attention NARN

This could be your big break. It appears as though a morning drive-time slot may soon be opening up on the Patriot.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Blackballed

Jim Cook of St. Louis Park sounds like a bitter, bitter man. Based on the accusations he spews at the entire Greek system, I can only conclude that Jimmy had his ass blackballed when he was pledging a fraternity.

Only a sorry-ass loser who never experienced fraternity life would paint all frats and sororities with the “Animal House” labels.

Only a sniveling, whiney crybaby who wasn’t allowed to pledge would accuse all fraternities and sororities of offering “free-flowing booze” and answers to “past years’ exams to make cheating easier.”

This jerk obviously isn’t aware of the great works done by fraternity and sorority members throughout this country: Volunteering at local food shelves, cleaning up parks, fixing up homes of the elderly, etc.

Drop me a line at KAR, Jimmy and I’ll put you in touch with my Fraternity Brothers who’ve gone on to become doctors, lawyers, dentists and businessmen with a veterinarian thrown in for good measure.

My advice to you, Jim, is to get over the fact that you weren’t accepted by the Greek system at your college. Carrying the bitterness around for all these years is detrimental to your health.

Come Again?

We interrupt the ongoing lefty blog Tom Delay Masterbate-a-thon to bring you this...

It took a really big band-aid to staunch the bleeding of my jaw after it hit the floor when I read this:

Anybody remember those really bizarre "they can't steal the election if it's not close" arguments from '04? You know, the ones where they acted like we were the party that rigs elections (or has the Supreme Court do it for us). Hey, I guess it worked then. Why not now?

I got to get inside this dude's head and figure out where that came from.

Whaddya think? Drugs, or messages received from George Sorros through his tinfoil hat?

Drugs are more fun. Lets go with that...

[LearnedFoot takes a long pull off the hookah, and drops the needle on the record. The opening strains of "White Rabbit" emerge.]

Okay, so Tammany Hall and those famous Chicago machines were Republican...

And all those dead people who voted in the 1960 election, voted for Nixon. And let's not forget those cool dudes, the Teamsters, who "helped" all those poor dead people vote. They've always been monolithically Republican. Duuuuuuuude.

Go ask Alice, when she was just small...

[LearnedFoot drops an acid tab]

Oh, what's that I see. Some guys slashing tires in Milwaukee. They must be Republicans! They're engaging in voter suppression!

And those 12 charges already filed in connection to the vote fraud in Wisconsin must be a figment of my imagination! As well as the joint investigation by Milwaukee's DA and the FBI!

And the white knight is talking backwards...

[Bong noises]

And nearly all of that fraud occurred in Milwaukee. If there's one immutable truth in this world it is this:

If you are a Republican and want to cheat in an election, the best place to hide fraudulent votes is in a city that reliably votes 65 / 35 Democrat in every election!

And you just had some kind of mushroom...

[LearnedFoot drops a 'shroom]

Ok ok ok ok ok. Here's a deep thought: somebody who votes 5 times does not disenfranchise 4 voters who voted the opposite way. However, requiring people to show a photo ID when voting - an ID that would be provided for free to those who do not have driver's licenses - would disenfranchise those voters who can make it to the polls, but for some reason were not able to obtain such an ID in the previous 2 years.

WHOA! Deep.

Feed your head, feed your head...

Oh, and this report doesn't exist. And the chairman of the organization that issued that report is not a lifelong Democrat who did not work on Jimmy Carter's presidential campaign.

Oh, and the mainstream media is actually right-wing.

Alright. I'm coming down now. Whew, that was some good shiznit!

...

Ah, hello there. I didn't notice you. How long have you been here?

...

Got any pizza on you?

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

You All Need to Get a Life (and / or Brain)

Oh goodie! Just what this country needs: another Scopes trial!

A background of my views on the ID vs. Evolution debate can be found here. Go read and come back to share in the disgust.

Being the optimist that I am, I am hoping that this trial seriously damages three very annoying constituencies that are stakeholders in its outcome:

The Blind Believer

Here's the skinny: there are many books in the Old Testament that can fairly be called historical narratives; for example: Kings, Judges and Numbers. The first couple of chapters of Genesis are not among them.

You people need to understand that the human inquiry into our origins cannot abrogate your faith unless you allow it to. Indiana Jones put it best (to paraphrase): science is the search for fact; religion is the search for truth.

To wit: you will never see an archaeological discovery of an ancient clay tablet bearing an inscription that reads:

Dear humans,

There is no God.

Sincerely,
God.

So stop acting all threatened by a scientific theory already. Especially when the teaching of said theory comprises approximately one-one millionth of the typical high school curriculum.

The Militant Atheist

These people are far more annoying than the Blind Believer since their intractability is compounded by about 15 tons of smugness.

Imagine a hypothetical Militant Atheist. Let's call him, oh, EZ Pliers. EZ is an obstensively smart guy. He's a biologist and a professor, and he knows his stuff cold. Because he's so knowledgeable in his field, he has lots of interesting things to say.

But he's also an absolutist. He hates religion, and has little tolerance of most believers, let alone the Blind ones. He cannot fathom that anybody would take anything on faith, even those things that cannot be proven empirically. He's an atheist, and he's POSITIVE he is right. He has no use for religion since it is based on "faith" and not "reason," and is more than willing to impart his derision on the topic to anyone who will listen.

He is "intelligent". He is an Atheist. There is no God.

Ok, Mr. Smart guy. Mr. Scientific Method. If there is no God, and you are quite sure about that...

prove it.

If Intelligent Design is not a legitimate scientific theory, I'm sure that you could conclusively chop it to bits and obliterate it from the consciousness of scientific theory in short order, with conclusive and unambiguous evidence.

And therein lies the smugness. The Militant Atheist *hates* religion, while never quite realizing that he subscribes to a religion of his own (and that little "ism" tacked on to the end of the word "atheism" is a dead giveaway).

The *belief* that there is no God, is just as much an article of faith as the belief that there is one. But EZ, and others like him, don't get it.

The Establishment Clause Know-Nothing

You've heard it before, but it bears repeating. There is no "wall between church and state" in the Constitution. No, that little nugget came from a letter Thomas Jefferson wrote to a bunch of Baptists. Here's $100 worth of law school tuition that I will impart to you all for free: letters - even ones from Thomas Jefferson - are not legal precedent. Unless, of course, you can convince 5 Supreme Court justices otherwise.

Given the recent history of the Court (and intellectually barren citizens) mangling the Establishment Clause in this way, the following imaginary exchange between a teacher and his atheist-raised student doesn't really look so ridiculous in this day and age:

TEACHER: For God's sake, Billy! You need to do your homework every day.

BILLY: Who's this God person? Is that your nickname for the Principal Chalmers?

TEACHER: [Sotto voce] I bet Chalmers would like that...

BILLY: What'd you say?

TEACHER: Er, nothing...

BILLY: So who is this "God"?

TEACHER: Er, well... Many people believe that the universe was created by a divine being...

HEADLINE IN NEWSPAPER THE NEXT DAY: Atheists, ACLU Sue School for Teaching Religion.

Hopefully, this ID case will make it to the Supreme Court so that they will have the opportunity to undo 50 years of crappy jurisprudence; chief among it, the aptly named Lemon Test.

Or the courthouse caves in on itself.

KAR FAQ: Special Bill Edition

What are Nihilist Wannabee's (nee V-Toed Bill) hobbies and interests? -A. Stawker, Farmington.

It has been well documented that apart from Bill's stellar photoshop work for KAR, Bill has a deep interest and uncanny proficiency in gift wrapping and decorating pies with berries. Bill also loves his S&M career.

Anything else we should know about Nihilist Wannabee Bill? -N.G. Pants, Plymouth.

Yes. TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! He's 40-something, but doesn't look a day over 12. Please join me in wishing Bill a very happy birthday. Here's to many many more years of gift-wrapping, pie-decorating, and S&M joy!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Moron Mail

Well, since nobody has found these brilliant posts worthy of a link, I figured that today I'd go for a slam-dunk-sure-link from this guy by beating on a smoking ban bobo:

I saw the parade of hospitality workers protesting the Hennepin County smoking ban outside of the Hennepin County Government Center last week. They were alerting us to the costs in revenue to businesses.

But what about the costs in human life from secondhand smoke?

Yes. What of the costs in human life to secondhand smoke, Tom? You have any evidence of actual (not hypothetical) causation? (Oh, and Bob - if you're reading this - spare me the same "evidence" that you have pooped all over other people's blogs. I've seen it, and it demonstrates no causal link between secondhand smoke and death.)

How about the cost in terms of health care costs to the children and the elderly from being around the smoke in restaurants?

If these children and these elderly are in bars often enough to generate more than mild bad breath, I really think they may have worse problems to worry about than secondhand smoke.

Let's talk about the rise in asthma and lung cancer, or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

Yes let's. Establishments that allow smoking indoors have been around for hundreds of years. Their numbers are dwindling due to these stupid laws you people love so much, as well as self-imposed restrictions. The number of smokers has also been decreasing steadily for almost a half-century.

So did it ever occur to you that maybe this "rise" in asthma, lung cancer and other nasty things may be being caused by something OTHER THAN AMBIENT SMOKE?

When the studies come out about the air quality increasing 98 percent since the ban, all we hear about are the economic costs.

Only 98 per cent? Shouldn't it be 100 per cent? I guess all those smoking ban nitwits who promised to patronize all these bars after the ban was instituted are a flatulent bunch.

Let's hear more about the lives saved and the decrease in health-related illness since the ban started.

And when you provide us evidence of a single "life" saved - let me reiterate: REAL actual evidence (again Bob: the "facts" you offer are not evidence of a causal link), perhaps then you may hear about it.

T0m H0lm3s, Champlin.

Enough of these idiots. To them property rights are the bastard child of our constitutional liberties.

Oh no no no! Don't go anywhere near that super super dooper precedent. That would be a fascist invasion of a woman's right to well-after-the-fact birth control!

Take away that guy's livelihood, because I may want to have a beer there some day? Eh. I see no problem with that.

Time to deport these people to Cuba.

Bachmann Suspected of Assaulting Local Blogger

Pinkmonkeybird got into an accident on the Stone Arch Bridge last week and broke his elbow. We wish him the best, and a speedy recovery. Eva has just violated her 1,000th copyright!

I know that Michele Bachmann has been to the Stone Arch Bridge. It would be interesting to know if she was there when PMB fell off his bike. Or did she push him? A day in the life of Eva: cut and paste and cut and paste and cut and paste...

Curious...

Developing...

Monday, September 26, 2005

A Scientific KAR Poll

The post mortems on the government's response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster have been going on for several weeks now, and they're sure to keep pouring in for months to come. One of the more controversial assertions regarding the quality (or lack thereof) of FEMA's response is the trope that racism played a role in the shortcomings of its performance in this mission.

Because us KARnies are an intellectually curious bunch, we decided to take a poll to gauge the public sentiment regarding racism and FEMA's failures. We were also curious as to the qualitative data of those that think racism did in fact play a role.

Please take a moment to participate in our poll.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR POLL PARTICIPATION (Read carefully): Everyone participating in this poll must respond to the first question. Only respond to the second question if you answered "yes" on the first one.

Question 1:







Do you believe that FEMA's less-than-stellar response to the Hurricane Katrina disaster was due to racism in the Bush administration?
Yes
No



Free polls from Pollhost.com


If you answered "no," you are done. Thank you for your input! If you answered "yes," please proceed to Question 2.


Question 2:








Have you ever been outsmarted by a tomato?
Yes.
Huh?



Free polls from Pollhost.com

Why the Left is collapsing













Dumb












Dumber










Dumbest

I wonder, is Cindy smiling because she's being arrested or because of the hand placement of the officer on the left?

Sorry. I just couldn't pass that one up.

Cindy in "The Slam"

MSNBC is reporting that “Anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan arrested outside White House - Police arrested Cindy Sheehan during an anti-war protest in front of White House on Monday.”

The police didn’t say why, but I think it has something to do with people becoming weary of her repeating over and over and over, 10,000 times and counting, “George Bush killed my son.”

Move on lady, get yourself a new line.

On the subject of the pro-terrorist anti-war rally: I was in the van last night, on my way to pick up an emergency pack of diapers, when I heard a sound bite from a 14 year old lefty that had me absolutely dumbfounded.

After spewing the usual talking points – Bush lied, no WMDs, Halliburton, etc, etc, etc – the bite wrapped up with This “oh, by the way” assertion: “Bush isn’t the real president, anyway, Kerry won.”

What a screwed up kid, while he should be trying to look up a cheerleader’s skirt he’s hanging out at a protest with a bunch of 1960’s rereads trying to relive their glory days.

It’s nice to know that, even if he can’t think for himself, at least he can read the propaganda sheets supplied by Moveon.org and the other Commie groups propping up Cindy and her merry band of protesters.

That brings me to another thing: All this crap about the war in Iraq being “just like Vietnam.” Bullshit.

The only thing that is just like Vietnam is the rabble that has taken to the streets in protest. Recycling Peter, Paul and Mary, the chants and so on are direct from the 1960’s. The least they could do is hire an ad agency with enough creativity to give this protest movement a new spin.

“All we are saying is give peace a chance.”

And Now With Today's Weather Report, Here's Yentl

Barbra Streisand stunned ABC's Diane Sawyer during an interview yesterday, when the aging pop star revealed that she has been moonlighting as a meteorologist. Instead of hyping her newest CD in the interview, Streisand inexplicably launched into a weather broadcast.

"We are in a global warming emergency state, and these storms are going to become more frequent, more intense," Streisand urgently declare[ed]. When Sawyer pressed her for more specifics, Streisand - aparently no longer aware of Sawyer's presence - began giving current conditions and forcasts for selected cities.

"Pensacola can you hear me? There'll be a high of 91 with a chance of thundershowers today," Babs proclaimed.

Sawyer repeatedly tried to interrupt to no avail as the unscheduled wheathercast continued.

"There is a tornado watch until 4 pm for Walworth, Jefferson and Waukesha Counties," Streisand declared just before breaking into song.

"Peeeeeeeople...People who have tornado shelters...are the luckiest people in Wisconsin right nowwwwwwww," she sang to the tune of an old favorite.

When Streisand finally snapped out of her reverie, Sawyer asked her where she learned so much about atmospheric science.

"From Paul Douglas and MoveOn," she replied matter-of-factly.

Scrambled Picks(*)

(*) Reference?

Sung to the tune of Yesterday, by the Beatles:

Yesterday,
LaDanian took our breath away
And the Bears played like they were gay
Oh, and New England won yesterday

Suddenly,
The Flash found himself Oh-and-three
Now LearnedFoot looks quite mighty
My victory came suddenly

How I
Could go three-and-oh, I don't know, I couldn't say
Flash got
All three wrong now he longs for a replay-ay-ay-ay

Yesterday,
I made it look like such an easy game to play
Now Flash needs a place to hide in shame
Oh, what a day, was yesterday.

How I
Went three-and-oh I think I know: I got game
Flash got
All three wrong, now he longs to place the blame.

Yesterday,
If King Banaian had made my plays
He would have won at least twice his pay
Especially if he did it in a parlay.

OPG's Week 3 Breakdown

Has anybody yet noticed the delicious double entendre inherent in these "breakdown" post titles?

Here's OPG's take on this past weekend's action:

===================

...

It's a rebuilding year. So f*** off.

...

...

What the hell are you staring at? Go away.

====================

Foot here. In more important news, I will be posting a recap of the results of this week's Foot v. Flash Gridiron Cred contest in the form of a musical ode to myself. Stay tuned!

Friday, September 23, 2005

The Most Rediculous (sic) Item of the Day

And now for the most rediculous (sic) item of the day. Once again Obsessive Stalker Looser (sic) exposes her surreal obsession with - not Michele Bachmann - but a local blogger. Ms. Looser (sic) writes:

This is rather curious. This comment looks like Mitch Berg's writing style. However blog buddies of Mitch - the Kool Aid Report people especially - are known for impersonating others in comments. If this really is Mitch Berg posting as "globber berg" over here, it raises an interesting question. Why is it in Mitch Berg's best interest that Minnesota Democrat Exposer's identity remain secret? Does this mean that Mitch Berg is participating in MDE's little web of deceit? I can look this up in the IPs to make a comparison, but it might be worth while to stop over at Whine in the Dark and ask Berg whether this was him - and whether Globber Berg is his new preferred moniker.

First of all, not everybody *knows* that us KARnies are impersonating other people in our comment threads. Everybody can't *know* that because it simply isn't true. There are other frequent KAR commenters who do impersonate OLS, among others, but it isn't a KAR contributor who is writing them. And for the record, KAR has the best stable of regular commenters in the 'sphere. Witty, uproariously funny, and wholly devoid of any serious discourse. Copyrights aren't just a good idea - they're the law!

What evidence does Ms. Looser have of any KARnie faking a comment anyway? Oh sure she can stamp her feet and beat her chest demanding IP addresses (as always). But she hasn't gotten any from me. It would be interesting to know if Ms. Looser is hacking into KAR's haloscan account... Fair use is running out quickly Eva...

Second, what is so "deceitful" about anything MDE has done? He seems to have a pretty good record of beating just about everybody to the story. No deceit there Ms. Looser; just your red-faced, and green-eyed jealousy. Ever notice how Eva's blogs have so little original content? I think it's because of an utter lack of intellectual firepower.

But speaking of a web of jealousy, Ms. Looser continues:

Berg had a total melt down about me and my other blog, Dump Bachmann last week.

Excuse me for noticing, but someone like Ms. Looser, who constantly exhibits unhealthy obsessions and an unstable personality, really isn't in the best position to be reporting on someone else's "meltdowns". Eva - stop appropriating my work!

Speaking of meldowns, Ms. Looser appears to be undergoing an ethical one:

Speaking of MDE, I believe that Michael Brodkorb, the person running the group Citizens for St Paul's future is Minnesota Democrats Exposer (MDE). I also suspect Michael Brodkorb was behind this political subterfuge.

Now c'mon Ms. Looser! You are guessing. Wildly. You are using an incident involving an anonymous poster to a discussion board to identify an anonymous proprietor of a political blog? C'moooooooon. Eva's butt is stinky.

With all due respect the spite I can muster, Ms. Looser, that's just plain irresponsible. To name someone to be MDE - a person who has been subjected to threats of violence - without any substantive evidence whatsoever is not only irresponsible, it borders on defamation. Off your meds today Eva?

[Looking incredulous into the camera] What is Ms. Looser's problem? Does she need attention? Does she suffer from such a self-esteem deficit that she reaps some sort of psychic benefit from tearing others down? Really, Eva you need to get a life, if all said "life" amounts to cutting and pasting from other blogs without even reading what you are pasting into your blog...

I think that she's jealous that she gets but a fraction of KAR's traffic, and that Mitch Berg gets more traffic in a day than she gets in a week. This is the biggest truth unveiled today. Eva is a traffic whore. And a big fat copyright ignorer.

Jealousy over blog traffic...

Now that truly is...rediculous.

Personal Story

In our Personal Story segment today: birthdays.

Today is frequent commenter (who has been relatively silent lately) Guy Incogneato's birthday.

Join me in wishing Guy a happy 27th! Or 28th. I can't remember.

Factor Followup: Gridiron Cred Week 2

In the Followup Segment today, we have the Foot v. Flash Quest for Gridiron Cred Week 2 picks. I jumped out to an early lead last week, and am looking to build the momentum. The Good Professor has chosen this week's games. His remarks are in italics.

But before I begin, here's a Pop Quiz: If I were at a sports book and had the entire board of games to choose from for betting, which 3 games would I avoid?

You pass the quiz if you answered "These 3 games":

1) New England @ Pittsburgh (-3). The Pats looked vulnerable last week against a tricky blitzing Panther defense, and Pittsburgh has both a good front seven and a new, slashing running back in Willie Parker. But Belichick is the only genius not recognized by a MacArthur grant, and you figure this has to be the game he gets New England's Patriot faithful down from the ledge. The game figures to be put in the hands of Ben Rothliesberger, because that's the guy Belichick will want to force into mistakes.

Yeesh. I'm glad I never had King Banaiaiaiaian for a class in college. I bet his exams are a bitch.

Are the Steeler's better this year than last? Dunno. Is New England in decline? Too early to tell. Will the defending champs start the season 1 and 2?

I doubt it. And the Pats get the points. So I'll take 'em.

Pick: Pats maybe to win, probably to cover.

2) NY Giants @ San Diego (-5.5). Numbers like 5.5 are weird in pro lines, and this is a weird game. The 2-0 Giants finally go on the road after their "road" game Monday night at Meadowlands against the Saints, where Eli Manning looked good. He faces an 0-2 team that made the playoffs last year after passing on him for rejuvenated Drew Brees. The Chargers are desperate for a win, but can't generate enough excitement to merit a line of six.

King is a GPA killer. How about a gentleman's 'C'?

No. There's beer on the line. I must persevere!

I'm going with the gut on this one. The Bolts are at home and desperate for a win. Tomlinson's been good thus far, but has yet to put up the obscene-type of numbers he did last year (Hey Drew? Remember how you passed to him a lot last year. And remember how those plays got you gobs of yards and TDs? That was great. What say we give that another try?)

LaDanian gets off this week in a big way.

Pick: Bolts cover.

3.) Cincinnati (-3) @ Chicago. The most interesting games this week are the interconference ones. Here we have Carson Palmer seeming to have made a step forward, and he faces a team with a quarterback that, before an injury his senior year, was considered to be on the same level. The Bears will be considered for real if they win this game; a Bengal win means Pittsburgh has some serious competition.

This is a really interesting game. You've got a home dog coming off a big win against a division rival. Add to that the fact that -

[Obnoxious Packer Guy elbows his way in:]

Bears suck Bears suck Bears suck Bears suck Bears suck BearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuck-BearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuck-BearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuckBearssuck!!!!!

Tee he he he he!!

[Obnoxious Packer Guy leaps out of the picture]

OK. I'll go with OPG on this one. The Bears haven't seen a real offense yet this year. This week they do.

Pick: Bears suck. Bengals cover.

FOLLOWUP TO THE FOLLOWUP SEGMENT: Flash has his picks up.

The Impact Segment

Bill O'Reilly got into a little dustup with former transvestite-stripper-nuns interviewer Phil Donahue. The interview flared up into a full-on conflagration when Phil trotted out one of the stupider lefty tropes. O'reilly showed impressive restraint. I would not have been so charitable (joined in progress):

DONAHUE: You saw the pictures. Now listen. Listen. You wouldn't send your children to this war.

Foot O'Reilly: Oh I DID NOT just hear you say -

DON: You wouldn't send -

FOR: My children are 4 and 1. I doubt that the armed forces would take them. And in any event, if they chose to enlist, I'd be proud -

DON: You are part of a loud group of people who want to prove they're macho and send other people's kids to war to make the case -

FOR: No Phil. This is me being macho. [Punches Phil in the nose]

DON: Why you son of a -

FOR: [Punches Phil again.] Just sinking to your level of "discourse", Phil.

DON: How many more young men and women are you going to send to have their arms and legs blown -

FOR: [Begins beating Phil with a cricket bat]. C'mon Phil. Condescend to me some more, Phil.

DON: OUCH! Chickenhawk! OUUUUUUUUUUCH!!!

FOR: [Continuing to pummel Phil with the cricket bat] LISTEN YOU [*crack*] VAPID [*smack*] LOW-LIFE [*whap*] INTELLECTUAL LIGHTWEIGHT [*crack*]: IF ALL OF US [*smack*] WENT TO IRAQ [*plap*] TO FIGHT [*smack*] THIS COUNTRY WOULD FALL INTO A DEEP ECONOMIC DEPRESSION [*crack*] BECAUSE THE AMERICAN ECONOMIC ENGINE [*smack*] WOULD BE LEFT IN THE HANDS [*crack*] OF PEOPLE [*crack*] LIKE [*smack*] YOU [*smack smack CRACK*].

DON: help meeee Marlo...

FOR: Thanks for coming on the factor, Phil. Up next: the most ridiculous item of the day, featuring Flash's football picks.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

OPG: FREE THE PACKALOPE!

The latest dispatch from Obnoxious Packer Guy:

===============

It has come to my attention that the Green Bay Packers will no longer allow the Packalope to wear his trademark antlers - indeed the very thing that makes him the Packalope - at Lambeau Field. All I can say is that this is a disgrace:

Superfan Larry Primeau, a k a the Packalope, has been forced to shed his trademark Pack helmet with its deer antlers because new stadium protocols specifically mention "antlers" as potential weapons.

It's time to wake up people! They are trampling on our civil liberties in the name of "safety", and no one is speaking out! And what's next? First it's antlers; next thing you know they'll be confiscating our brandy-filled pocket flasks!

And by then, it will be too late.

And it's oh-so-obvious that only Packer fans are being singled out. Take a look around the league. There's that fat idiot at Vikings home games who rides around on a Harley in an indoor stadium! Hellooooo? Carbon monoxide poisoning anyone?

And don't even get me started on the Bears, who are so bad their entire team is like some gigantic weapon of mass suckiness. What about all those poor Bears fans in Chicago? Aren't they entitled to protection from the huge Suck Monsters of the Midway that take to Soldier's Field 8 (and never more than 8) times a year?

Eh, on second thought, we're talking about Bears fans here. Let 'em die.

I Bless the Rains Down in Anoka

Some humdinger storms blew through the north metro last night, cutting a large swath of destruction.

I wonder if global warming caused it.

[Here the gathered masses of KAR Nation pick up their pitchforks and torches and start chanting "BURN THE HERETIC!"]

Haha, you silly geese! I don't drink the kool aid; I piss in it.

On the NBC Nightly News yesterday - which I primarily watch for kicks, and because The Girl thinks Brian Williams is dreamy - Williams teased the show's next (yet another) Hurricane Rita segment by posing the question:

Could global warming be causing all these strong hurricanes?

Of course the tacit import of that question, whenever it is posed, is: Could global warming - caused by evil parasitic humans (mostly Americans) and their insatiable addiction to fossil fuels and aerosol hairspray - be causing all these strong hurricanes?

Get bent.

Maybe the earth is warming now. But there was a time when it was cooling. Then it warmed again. Then it cooled again. Then it warmed again.

Thankfully, we are in one of those warming eras. Paleogeologists call it the Holocene Interglacial, which began when the most sophisticated human industry was flint-knapping.

So yeah, the earth is warming. Good thing too: because 15,000 years ago Anoka was buried under a mile of ice.

Well, at least there were no tornadoes there back then.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

LittleFoot #1's Birthday Wish List

The Girl's 4th birthday is next week.

If Bobo or Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo are still loking for gift ideas, may I suggest this book?

She could put it on the shelf next to The Rainbow Fish, and watch the scales fly.

DFL Twit Needs an Editor

A large fireball was spotted over Florida last night. Since Dementee is in Florida, there's a very good chance that it was his head blasting into orbit after reading the moronic letters in the Strib.

As a service to Dementee, and all the other high blood pressure sufferers out there, I will try to mitigate the stupidity in at least one of the letters this morning.

Oh, here's one from a celebrity moron - former Minnesota DFL kool aid dispenser chairman, Mike Erlandson:


As a Democrat, I would like to add my support to Rep. John Kline's effort to put President Ronald Reagan on the $50 bill (Star Tribune, Sept. 17). I think we should make them collectors' items and only issue 33,442,554,240 of them

Why 33.4 billion? Simple; that is the number of $50 bills it would have taken to pay off the $1,672,127,712,041 increase to the national debt that took place while Reagan was president.

Mike Erlandson, Minneapolis;
former state DFL Party chairman
.

Hmmm. I think that's the first recorded instance of a Democrat writing to the Strib admitting that he is a Democrat. Usually, they start out by saying that they are "lifelong Republicans" before they dutifully barf out every half-witted Democrat talking point they have become privy to.

Well, in order to preserve the sanity of Dementee, and all other tightly-wound moonbat-eating Cookie Monster-like wingnuts out there, I offer you Mike Erlandson: edited for accuracy. Deletions in overstrike; additions in mauve:

As a Democrat rage-seething-election-rigging-lying-sack-of-shit, I would like to add my support to Rep. John Kline's effort to put President Ronald Reagan on the $50 bill (Star Tribune, Sept. 17). I think we should make them collectors' items and only issue 33,442,554,240 of them to LearnedFoot.

Why 33.4 billion? Simple; that is the number of $50 bills it would have taken to pay off the $1,672,127,712,041 increase to the national debt that took place while Reagan was president, and the House of Representatives was monolithically Democrat. Why do I mention the House of Representatives? Well, the House is where spending bills originate. No money can be spent unless the House of Representatives authorizes it. In Reagan's compromise with Congress, Congress agreed to pass his tax reforms, in exchange Reagan granted Congress free reign to do whatever they wanted with the budget, save for that of defense. This resulted in Congress spending like a bunch of drunken Ted Kennedys in a brothel. I am really counting on a lot of people not knowing this (or the fact that federal revenues increased after Reagan overhauled the tax brackets and closed loopholes like the passive activity loss shelter.) But since we Democrats are firmly in control of the public schools, I'm not too worried about it.

Mike Erlandson Jim Jones, Minneapolis;
former state DFL Party chairman
.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About Intractable NFL Rivalries and Their Impact on the Family

Oh...Oh...Fight for the honour
Fight for the splendour
Fight for your life! --Iron Maiden

V-Toed Nihilist Wannabee Bill has put up the latest installment of the Mr. & Mrs. Guy saga. Seems that their little disagreement was more than just a little spat.

Now Kool Aid Guy is in the fight of his life - and a fight for his stuff. Given the absolute fairness our family courts have traditionally exhibited toward men, I'm sure Kool Aid Guy will come out of this standing tall.

Oh that poor Guy. First he marries a Bears fan, then he gets stuck with a corn flake shill who will determine the distribution of the marital estate. Yeesh.

But I guess it's a whole lot better than being stuck living with a Bears fan for the rest of his life.

How to End Terrorism

This moron is on to something. Now, if W would push through a bill mandating all Americans immedately convert to Islam, we will "have peace in our time:

See, diplomacy works
With the North Korean nuclear weapons agreement, it appears the Bush administration has learned that carrots make a useful supplement to a diplomatic diet of sticks.


If it imparts that lesson to John Bolton, we might even see positive reform at the United Nations.
Paul Oman, Brooklyn Center.


Dear Paul, you are a freaking idiot if you actually trust the Commie Bastards of North Korea to stick to any deal. If look close at the pictures of them, you'll see their fingers are crossed.

Please tell me you are really not that stupid. Please tell me you've been rendered temporarily insane by the Vikings' slow pathetic play.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's midnight and I'm having dinner

I ain't got spell check going so forgive me my misspellings.

Actually, it's my second meal of the day...if you count the dry cereal I had on the plane this morning.

Man, what a long-ass day this has been.

I have another "animal rights" post in me, but am lacking the time and energy necessary to do it justice. Let me simply link you to the story here.

All I can say is, what a bunch of petulent lefty brats. Who the hell are they to think their entitled to walk their mangy mutts on the SPA grounds? F-you, you lousy Chris Coleman voters.

Neither you, nor anybody else, have the right to have your canine shit on the SPA lawn. here's an idea, why don't you use one of the many city funded parks?

On the other hand, there is you wonderfully mature reaction: A web site, neighborhood meetings and a threat to bring in the City Council to make it impossible for students to park in the area.

Typical Lefy move: If can't have what I want, I'm going to use the government to make your life more difficult.

F&*% each an every one of you. I hope your pea-brained dogs shit all over your Oriental rugs and turn you homes into disaster areas.

Goodbye for now from hot and steamy Orlando.

Do the Math

Take one bunch of loosers losers, most of whom live in the 5th Congressional District, stalk a state senator who is running for congress in the Sixth CD, into the Seventh CD where she is participating in a (non-conressional campaign - related) forum. All the while, these Fifth district loosers losers constantly prattle on about how this state senator has recieved a lot of donations from outside her district, conveniently ignoring the fact that all candidates running for national office get some contributions from outside their districts. If you can read this, Eva just infringed another copyright.

Add this quote:

I told Janet that I don't go after Michele personally. Really, Eva. Are you so lazy that you can't come up with your own copy?
Subtract out the truth: (Herself, and by proxy (the "fun page" - which I will not link)


Multiply by her absurd, petulant, bizarre, and just plain wierd obsession with Mitch Berg.Fair use has it's limits, you know Eva.

And the result is still several orders of magnitude less than the smackdown "Blogger Berg" put on the loosers' sorry asses last week.

Mega Moron Mail

Lots o' fodder today. Let's begin our odyssey through the Alternate Reality Based Community by pounding the crap out of a race-baiter:

Guilty of not being white

The Hmong community is experiencing the pain of what other communities of color have long known. All bad acts of one community member are attributed to the entire group.

Black men are depraved rapists, native Americans are all drunks, and Latinos -- well, they are just lazy. [I can't wait to see the google hits that sentence yields. -ed]

I can understand the fear that Chai Soua Vang undoubtedly felt, having been on the receiving end of racist taunts and threats while walking alone over my lunch hour in Minnetonka. [OK I had to read that 7 or 8 times to find the transition between Vang's experience and the writer's. Ever notice that these people absolutely love to inject themselves into everything. Mememememememe! - ed.] In my case, [Memememememe! Look at meeeeeeeeee! -ed.] I thank God these boys were only out to have some fun and hurl some insults. I returned from my walk shaken and angry. What gave them to right to hurl epithets?

I can only begin to imagine the fear Chai Soua Vang must have felt knowing that these people were armed with guns. [ Remember that. -ed] He's alone. He's different. [He's trespassing. -ed.] They're armed, and they continue following him and screaming taunts at him? And they certainly do not know the trauma he's experienced in his past! [And really, neither do you, moron. -ed.]

B0nn!e St33l3, Minnetonka.

Well, Moron #1 convinced me: those six people deserved it. Vang certainly didn't get a fair shake at trial.

Even though the jury was bussed in from Dane County. "Dane County?" you ask? Yes Dane County. Where Madison is (Motto: "Madison - Where identity politics aren't just a good idea, they're mandatory.")

Oh, and let's not forget that annoying little fact that 5 out of the 6 victims were unarmed.

And that Bonnie signed one of those moonbat "Not One Damn Dime Day" petitions.

I wonder if anybody bought her a cheeseburger?

On to Moron #2, who gives us meaningless snark that proves nothing, and adds nothing subtracts from the public discourse:

In her Monday column, "Leading means thinking for yourself," Katherine Kersten takes St. Paul voters to task for being "narrow-minded" for rejecting DFL Mayor Randy Kelly in last week's primary because he endorsed President Bush in 2004.

Perhaps she might identify which Democrats she voted for in the last election.

R0b3rt W@t3rm@n,
Falcon Heights
.

...And she should be required to do it once it is humanly possible to vote against a Democrat / Green in any local election in Minneapolis and St. Paul.

So we'll be hearing from her in about 10,000 years.

And rounding out the trifecta we have an example of the tried and true lefty tactic of painting a cartoonish caricature of the opponent, positing that said cartoon is truth, and then ridiculing the newly-formed fiction as though it bore any resemblance to truth:

Rep. John Kline's constituency must be proud to have him boldly tackling our newest crisis: Ronald Reagan's mug is not yet on U.S. currency (Star Tribune, Sept. 17)!

News of Kline's passionate pursuit of Minnesotans' new No. 1 concern is such a relief from the old, tedious news of wars, natural disasters, poverty, national debt and so on.

Thanks, Rep. Kline, for setting our priorities straight.

M3l!nd@ L. Er!cks0n, Minneapolis.

First of all, Mel, as one of Kline's constituents I can tell you that we are quite happy with Rep. Kline's performance.

Second of all, did it ever occur to you in your tiny little brain and claustrophobia-inducing world view, that it might just be possible that KLINE MAY NOT BE DEVOTING EVERY WAKING MOMENT AND EVERY OUNCE OF HIS ENERGY TO THIS, AND THAT HE MAYBE - JUST MAYBE - BE ATTENDING TO ALL THOSE THINGS YOU MENTIONED, YOU STUPID LITTLE PINHEAD????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the other hand, I dare you to find even one of your little activist friends whose sum total of all her thoughts during the Roberts confirmation hearings consisted of anything more than:

Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade Roe v. Wade...

Where's my cricket bat?

Monday, September 19, 2005

Capitulation Sucks

A word of warning: I’m about to enter Howard Dean land.

I HATE “animal rights” activists and everything they stand for.

Why oh why can’t people stand up to the radical knob-heads from the “animal rights” movement?

Canceling a pig roast because the local because the local people-hating pricks don’t like the promotion flyer is insane and the reason given, "We decided it would be simpler to cancel it and serve cream teas instead" is nothing a copout.

Put up a fight Rev. Spineless. Don’t sit back and let a small group of people-hating SOBs change the way you live your life.

Did your friends at “Animal Rights” Cambridge make you feel guilty with the pap about Christ not condoning the killing and eating of animals?

Here’s new flash Rev.: Christ ate dead fish. In fact he started with 2 and multiplied them to feed the masses!

Roast your pig – hundreds of them – and use fans to blow the succulent scent across the countryside. I want to hear the sounds of “animal rights” activists coughing, gagging and puking when the smell Porky’s flesh being roasted to a golden brown reaches their hypersensitive noses.

I want them so overwhelmed by the scent of roasted pig that their systems shut down and their hearts explode in their chests.

I want to see their lifeless bodies with bulging eyes and bloated bellies lying about on the streets.

I want their corpses scraped from the streets and brought to fertilizer processing facilities where they can be turned into plant food and sold to Birkenstock-wearing vegans who rather sprinkle the remains of their comrades on their community gardens than eat a FREAKING PIG.

That said I'm traveling for work the rest of the week and may not be able to check in, but I'll do what I can.

OPG's Week 2 Breakdown Roundtable

NOTE: The following is a transcript of a podcast that will be unavailable for download, since we don't know how to podcast.

DEMENTEE: HELLO AND WELCOME TO "NFL BREAKDOWN" FEATURING OBNOXIOUS PACKER GUY, AND HOST LEARNEDFOOT!!!!!!! ME ANNOUNCER, DEMENTEE!!!! NOW GET READY FOR A BREAKDOWN!!!!!! HERE FOOT!!!!!

LearnedFoot: This week, Obnoxious Packer Guy and I decided to go with a roundtable discussion format for our football post-mortem feature. OPG is here on my right, and on my left is or very special guest, Vikings head coach Mike Tice. Welcome, coach.

Mike Tice: *duh*

[Awkward silence]

LF: Ok... Why don't you start us off with a recap of Sunday's action, OPG.

OPG: You got it Foot. Yesterday's results exhibited an exciting mix of the unpredictable and the comfortably consistent.

LF: How so? Do tell...

OPG: Well I think that everyone would agree that it was nice that an old stalwart like "Everybody Loves Raymond" would snag several Emmies, while I was delightfully surprised by Tony Shaloub's best actor win for his work in "Monk".

[awkward silence]

TICE: *derrr*

LF: Er, OPG? We're talking about football here. Nobody gives a flying shit about the Emmies.

OPG: What is this "football" you speak of?

LF: You're in denial, aren't you?

OPG: No I'm not.

[awkward silence]

LF: Okaaaaay. Coach Tice: your boys had a rough day yesterday. Care to comment?

TICE: Dyarrrrrrrr we got our butts kicked. These guys know what it's like to go through a butt kicking. When you get your butt kicked, you gotta drag yer butt out of the dirt, brush your butt off, and get your butt back into the game. Butt butt butt butt butt. (*)

[awkward silence]

...

OPG: Hey! That guy looks familiar!

LF: Is it coming back to you now?

OPG: Uh... I'm not sure...

LF: Would it help if I told you that Darren Sharper consistently blew coverages, got beat on deep posts, bit on pump fakes, displayed his famous suspect tackling ability, and got injured yesterday?

OPG: So basically, Sharper was being Sharper, without the interceptions?

LF: Yes!

OPG: Oh yeah. I think it's coming back to me now... That's especially funny given the comment made by a certain well-respected blogger following last week's debacles: [reading] "The only that cheered me up after watching the Vikes puke all over themselves yesterday was seeing the Packers score all of three points against the Motor City Kitties. By the way, how 'bout that Darren Sharper?"

Heh. Heh....

LF: Heh ha ha - "how 'bout that Darren Sharper?" - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[the studio erupts into raucous laughter, joined momentarily by Tice, until he realizes what he's laughing at.]

TICE: Er... *duh*

OPG: Thanks Foot! I feel much better! Say, how'd you do with your picks this weekend?

LF: Two outta three. Not great, but certainly not "Nihilistic." Just good enough to take an early lead. I called the Jets and the Chiefs games right on. And really, I was only 14 points off on the Bills game. That's where my inability to study up on the games really hurt me. Apparently the starting quarterback for Buffalo was something called "JP Losman." Eh, it's all good. I have opened a lead over Flash, who I am guessing might have gotten some "help" from the Nihilist in Golf Pants.

OPG: Nice job. But I think most bettors overlooked the "Lock of the Week" from the Sponge: [reading] "The number of times Mr. Sponge yells at the TV during the Vikes's game vs the Bungles. The over under is +/- 5 times. "

I'll bet Sponge would still have gone over the number if it would have been the total number of times he tried to throw his cat through his television screen.

LF: Well, that about wraps it up for this edition of "Breakdown". See you next week!

TICE: *duh*

(*) Based closely on an actual postgame statement by Tice.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Space Filler

As it turned out, Dementee's post that reprinted C***y S*****n's (from now on publicity whores' names will be censored at KAR) crushingly imbicilic missive, was the last of the week. Since we typically don't post on weekends, this post would have most likely stayed at the top until midday Monday.

I cannot allow such flaming stupidity from such a mind-bendingly moronic woman to remain on the top of this blog for that long of a time. And since I read the letters to the Strib so you don't have to, my moral authority is absolute to call this hate-seething imbecile what she is.

So really the only purpose of this post is to push Dementee's post about The Imbecile in a Sunhat down, so KAR's 4 Sunday readers no longer have to be subjected to it.

blah




blah


blah



yada



yada


yada


(Oh, Doug. KAR sold out a long time ago; I think it was when we marketed our first thong. At least we haven't yet jumped the shark like a certain drooling idiot lefty-blogger did earlier this week on his inane Scandinavian "blog")


blah

...

..
...

Packer rule; Vikings drool!



....


Speaking of football, if you'd like to review my football picks for your betting edification, you can find them here.

Flash's are here, though I'd suggest you view them in the same way you'd view football predictions from The Nihilist.


Doop de doo...


...

...


Far enough? Yeah.

See you tomorrow.

Or sooner if NFL results allow for some smack.

Friday, September 16, 2005

US Military Occupies New Orleans

I saw the headline on Drudge with the link to Little Green Footballs, but had difficulty accessing it. Therefore, I went straight to the fat man’s web site and thought I would treat you to Cindy Sheehan’s entire entry.

After you read this monstrous pile of festering pus, I think you will agree with me that Cindy has gone completely mad and not only does the Left not give a damn about her, they are going to user her until the tank is empty and she’s sitting in a rest home rocking back and forth repeating, “Six minutes to Wapner”.

She is demented and they (the Left) are pigs for taking advantage of her.

Hang with it as long as you can. It won’t be easy:

September 16th, 2005A Bright Spot in Bush World
Amid the Miserable Failures on the Same PlanetA Message from Cindy Sheehan

It has been one month and one week since I sat in a ditch in Crawford, Tx. I can hardly believe it when I think of it myself. So much has happened in that time, and really, so little.
I got to Camp Casey III in Covington, La today, after getting up at 3am to head for the airport. Now it is 3am the next day and we are driving in a car to try and find a hotel to sleep anywhere around Jackson, Miss. I was prepared to be shocked by what I saw in Louisiana, but I guess one can never really fully prepare for such devastation and tragedy. After living in a country your entire life it is so difficult to see such callous indifference on an immense scale. When I reflect on how the mother of the imbecile who is running our country said that the people who are in the Astrodome are happy to be there, it angers me beyond comparison. The people in LA who were displaced have nice, if modest homes that are perfectly fine. I wonder why the government made them leave at great expense and uproot families who have been living in their communities for generations.


After we arrived at Camp Casey III, we took the Veterans for Peace "Impeachment Tour Bus" into New Orleans after stopping at the distribution center to pick up some supplies in Covington. The stench and the destruction are unbelievable. I saw some hurricane zones in the panhandle of Florida last year that were pretty bad but that couldn't have prepared me for this.

I saw in the paper that George Bush said the recovery in the Gulf States would be "hard work." That's what he said about sending troops to Iraq and looking at the casualty reports everyday: "It's hard work." That man has never known a day of hard work in his life. The people on the ground in Covington scoffed at George's little junket to Louisiana yesterday. He stayed in the French Quarter and a Ward that weren't even damaged a bit. The VFP took me to the city of Algiers on the West Bank. The part of Algiers we went to was very poor and black. The people of Algiers know what hard work is.

Algiers had no flooding. All of the damage was from winds. There are trees knocked over and shingles off of roofs. There are signs blown over and there was a dead body lying on the ground for 2 weeks before someone finally came to get it. Even though Algiers came through Katrina relatively unscathed, our federal government tried to force (mostly successfully) the people out of the community. Malik Rahim, a new friend of ours and resident of Algiers, told us stories of the days after the hurricane. The government declared martial law, but there was no effective police presence to enforce it. Malik said the lawlessness was rampant. People were running out of food and water and they were being forced to go to the Superdome. They didn't want to go to the Superdome, because their homes were pretty intact: they wanted to stay and have food and water brought to them. A town of 76,000 people dwindled down to 3,000. The die hards were rewarded last Wednesday when the VFP rolled into town with food and water. The Camp Casey III people were the first ones to bring any relief to Algiers. The people who were supposed to look after its citizens, our government, failed them.
In Algiers, in the space of 2 short weeks, Malik and his community has opened a clinic which also doubles as a food and supply distribution center. We need more help in Algiers. Malik and the other dozens fine volunteers are planning on opening 2 more clinics in Algiers and Malik would dearly love someone to give him a flat bottomed boat so he can go to the flood drenched poor communities that still have not been helped and bring them food, supplies, and medical attention. Medical professionals are dearly needed. Malik has also set up a communications center in an apartment next to his house which is for the community to use. The aid that is being given in Algiers is completely driven by the needs of the community. They have a saying in Algiers: Not Charity, Solidarity.

The citizens of Algiers desperately needed help and hope before the hurricane. When I think of how many other poor neighborhoods are being decimated and made so desperate and hopeless by the failed policies of the Bush administration, it makes me so angry. But when I see what the people of Algiers are doing to help themselves and the people of America are doing to help them help themselves, it gives me hope. I think Algiers can be a model for all of our communities.

One thing that truly troubled me about my visit to Louisiana was the level of the military presence there. I imagined before that if the military had to be used in a CONUS (Continental US) operations that they would be there to help the citizens: Clothe them, feed them, shelter them, and protect them. But what I saw was a city that is occupied. I saw soldiers walking around in patrols of 7 with their weapons slung on their backs. I wanted to ask one of them what it would take for one of them to shoot me. Sand bags were removed from private property to make machine gun nests.

The vast majority of people who were looting in New Orleans were doing so to feed their families or to get resources to get their families out of there. If I had a store with an inventory of insured belongings, and a tragedy happened, I would fling my doors open and tell everyone to take what they need: it is only stuff. When our fellow citizens are told to "shoot to kill" other fellow citizens because they want to stay alive, that is military and governmental fascism gone out of control. What I saw today in Algiers lifted up my spirits, but what I also saw today in Algiers frightened me terribly.

The people who are running the clinic in Algiers gave me a list of desperately needed supplies:
Blood pressure medication---properly packaged.Allergy medication---properly packagedVitamin BPens, paper, sharpies, index cardsGlucometers and test stripsFull O2 tanksPower strips and extension cordsNon-DEET insect repellentMini bottles of Hand SanitizerA copy machine is urgently needed

People: Call: 512-297-1049
Send supplies to:Fed Ex or UPSVeterans for Peace Ch 116C/O 645 Kimbro Dr.Baton Rouge, La. 70808
Mark them: For the Medical Clinic in Algiers

The children in Algiers have also been out of school. Malik would like to open a school and they need school supplies and teachers.

I have a testimony from a Doctor that came to Louisiana to help that I will post tomorrow. The failure in every level of our government is criminal negligence. Tens of thousands of families in our country have been devastated because of the incompetence and callousness of our so-called leadership. America is stepping up to the plate to help Americans. America stepped up to the plate to hold George accountable for the abomination in Iraq. One thing George has taught us is that we are self-sufficient and we have a country that is worth fighting for and we are not going away.

I was told that Pat Boone was on a conservative radio talk show in San Francisco (yes they do exist) with Melanie Morgan (who has a vendetta against me) and he told the listeners that after we "stole the supplies" from the Red Cross, we gave them to the "enemies of America who are like the people who want to fly airplanes into our buildings." Boone says that we were giving them to enemies of America, because we were distributing the supplies from a Mosque. First of all, accusing me of stealing is slander, I think, and second of all: we were helping Americans. Just because their government abandoned them, we shouldn't feed them and give them medicine and supplies? I thought Pat Boone was supposed to be a Christian man? Thirdly, isn't Freedom of Religion one of our Constitutional guarantees?

It is a Christ-like principal to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and shelter the homeless. That's what is happening in Algiers and other places in Louisiana…but by the people of America, not the so-called "Christians" in charge. If George Bush truly listened to God and read the words of the Christ, Iraq and the devastation in New Orleans would have never happened.

I don't care if a human being is black, brown, white, yellow or pink. I don't care if a human being is Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, or pagan. I don't care what flag a person salutes: if a human being is hungry, then it is up to another human being to feed him/her. George Bush needs to stop talking, admit the mistakes of his all around failed administration, pull our troops out of occupied New Orleans and Iraq, and excuse his self from power. The only way America will become more secure is if we have a new administration that cares about Americans even if they don't fall into the top two percent of the wealthiest.

Rushing to Chai Vang judgement

I bet Frank Erickson regrets sending this missive off to the SPPP before having a chance to hear Chsi Vang testify in his own defense about why he shot 8 hunters, killing 6, in Wisconsin last fall.

Included in this less-than-brilliant letter is the following conclusion:

Many people see Vang as guilty and this trial as just a trivial formality. And if the jury thinks like that, then it is a trivial formality.

Had he waited just one day, Frank could have avoided an embarrassing case of "foot-in-mouth" disease.

I got a news flash for you Frank; Vang sees himself as guilty and said as much yesterday while being cross examined. It’s a long, but necessary excerpt:

Chai Soua Vang testified that after he was shot at, he removed his hunting scope as he turned and took aim at a diving Willers. Chai Soua Vang struck Willers in the neck with the second shot, leaving him temporarily paralyzed next to the only gun investigators recovered, other than Chai Soua Vang's.

Chai Soua Vang then described how, with deadly precision, he took aim at the scattering blaze orange-clad group of hunters.

Mark Roidt, who was ducking or raising his arm to cover his face, was hit in the left shoulder, and the bullet passed through his head, killing him.

Dennis Drew was struck in the stomach, mortally wounding him.

After shooting Hesebeck — who was scrambling for cover behind an ATV — in the arm, Chai Soua Vang testified he pursued Robert Crotteau and his son, Joseph. The two were sprinting north, before Robert Crotteau cut east and Joseph, yelling for help, went west.

Robert Crotteau was hit in the back of the neck, striking the spinal cord and killing him instantly when it passed through his brain.

Chai Soua Vang chased Joseph, who he said was "running pretty fast."

"I couldn't get a clear shot," he testified, adding that he ran to close the gap and fired repeatedly.

Joseph Crotteau could have survived three of the wounds he suffered, but the fourth and fatal shot was to the base of his neck and passed through his brain, Ramsey County Medical Examiner McGee testified earlier Thursday.

Continuing with his description of the shootings, Chai Soua Vang said while turning back to the south, he heard yelling. One of the hunters radioed for help, which quickly came. Chai Soua Vang testified he lay on the ground, watched them pass on an ATV and turned his reversible hunting coat from orange to camouflage.

The defendant watched, he said, as two people later identified as Brandon Willers and Carter Crotteau, with the help of an injured Hesebeck, loaded the wounded Willers onto an ATV and take him to a cabin.

Also answering the call for help were Alan Laski and Jessica Willers. They were shot off their ATV. Chai Soua Vang testified that Laski had a gun, but none was found.

While saying on the stand he wished "it wasn't happening," Chai Soua Vang contended that three of the hunters deserved to die.

"Why did Mr. Crotteau deserve to die?" [Wisconsin Attorney General Peg] Lautenschlager asked.

"Because he was the one who confronted me and called me names, and that's who he is," Chai Soua Vang replied.

Joseph Crotteau deserved to die "because he accused me of giving him the finger and tried to cut in front of me to stop me from leaving." And Laski deserved to die because he had a gun, he said.

OK, Frank. You tell me, do you think the bastard is guilty? Even if one concedes that he was treated harshly by the hunters, even if one concedes that a shot was fired in his direction, one cannot come to the conclusion that he acted in self-defense. Not when at least one of the victims was shot from behind and only one of the hunters was armed.

Sorry frank, Vang is guilty as sin and should spend the rest of his life rotting in a cold, damp cell.

You Can Pick the Winner, and You Can Pick Your Nose, but You Can't Pick the Winner's Nose

Welcome to the premiere edition of Foot v. Flash: the Quest for Gridiron Cred. Yes, there is cred on the line, but more importantly, there's beer in play. Lots and lots of beer.

Special thanks to our host, King Banaian, who will be moderating this smackfest over the next few months. As a token of my appreciation to the Esteemed Professor, I offer the following letter to the Strib, to do with what he will (emphasis mine):

Northwest Airlines' flight to bankruptcy comes as no surprise to many people. Northwest management will probably blame the high cost of fuel and labor among the reasons it had to seek the help of the courts.

What it won't tell you is that Northwest management is mostly to blame. For the last few years, in the wake of 9/11, as other major carriers attempted to increase fares, Northwest was always the holdout. This resulted in the other carriers rescinding the increases and keeping airfares artificially low, well below the level needed to just break even.

The fact of the matter is that Northwest's plan for survival was simply to outlast the other carriers. Unfortunately, when it became obvious that this plan would not work, it was already too late.

My condolences to the employees of Northwest Airlines. They are yet the latest group of American workers to suffer the consequences of bad management.

Bill Carrigan,
Hoffman Estates, Ill
.

Bill seems to be insinuating that NWA was engaging in a predatory pricing scheme. If that's what he's thinking, then he truly is a drooling moron. Basic Antitrust law provides -

DEMENTEE: WHY YOU FISKING LETTER THAT YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE LEAVING TO PROFESSOR???!!!!! PLEASE STOP ANTITRUST TALK AND PICK DAMN FOOTBALL GAMES!!!!!!!! YOU MAKING DEMENTEE VERY IMPATIENT!!!!!!!

Er, sorry.

I must admit that this early in the season, I am not really "up" on the quality of the teams yet. And despite the fact that I now get the NFL Network, I do have two children, hence I have been unable to do my homework. You could say that this week I have no idea what I am talking about; and you'd be right.

[smack]Fortunately for me, Flash frequently has no idea what he is talking about on a wide range of subjects. So if you were to make a bet on who of us will come out ahead this week, I'd call it a "pick 'em".[/smack]

Enough BS. Let's get busy. Italicized remarks are King's:

1. Kansas City (-1) @ Oakland. The Chiefs come off a blowout win against the Jets, while Oakland has had ten days to get ready for a divisional rival. I wanted to put this game up for Moss-talk from the contestants, but the added spice of Larry Johnson should make for great witticisms.

OK, I cannot be held responsible for this since King asked for it: It doesn't matter whether Priest Holmes or Larry Johnson gets more carries, the Chiefs will bitch-slap the Raidaz in Oaktown. The Raiders' defense will need a restraining order to keep the Chiefs out of the end zone (Please send your complaints to: Problems [at] scsuscholars [dot] com).

Jim Rome likes to call Al Davis "the Godfather". I'll go with that:

Leave the points. Take the canole Chiefs.

Miami @ NYJets (-6). Miami got a victory against the Broncos in Nick Saban's pro coaching debut. Gus Frerotte in charge of the offense, looked better than Daunte Culpepper. Foot will have fun with the news this "Matt Turk, I-R, pulled groin." Humor people, humor!

Actually, I prefer poop and booger jokes to those regarding the general crotchal area. If you've ever had a pulled groin, you know that there's nothing funny about it.

The skinny: the Jets are at home, they're pissed, Ricky Williams is still in his cabana firing up doobies, and Chad Pennington - not Gus Frerotte - is the best quarterback Randy Moss ever played with. I would poop a booger if the Jets didn't cover the spread.

Pick: Jets to cover

Buffalo @ Tampa Bay (-2.5). Just because it's a hard game. Tampa Bay comes off the win at Minnesota with apparently a newfound running back in Cadillac Williams (on my fantasy team, thank you!) The Bucs didn't score much against the Vikes and now play a much harder defense in Bills, who meanwhile are breaking in J.P. Losman at QB. I figure that this is the game Chris Hovan gets his start on another injury-filled season.

Tampa bay comes off a big win over the Vikings which seems to have made them the favorite at home. What bettors aren't taking into account is the fact that the Vikings suck.

The Bills have a defense. The Vikings don't. The Bills have a running game. The Vikings don't. The Bills have a QB with hands large enough to hang onto the ball. The Vikings don't. The Bills have a non-meathead head coach. The Vikings don't.

The Bills get 2 and a half points. The Bucs don't.

Pick: Bills

I can taste the beer already.

And finally for all you bettors at home, here's the line of the week:

V-Toed Bill Nihilist Wannabee finishing the "Gridiron Cred" logo that was to be included in this post: over/under 10 days.

UPDATE: Flash has posted his picks.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

A Smoking Ban Update

Posted at the S&S web site:

Air pollution from second-hand smoke dropped by 99 percent in a sampling of bars and restaurants in Hennepin County within three months of launching its smoking ban March 31, according to a study commissioned by the Minnesota Partnership for Action Against Tobacco.

Three points:
  1. Why only 99%? If smoking is banned, why did they find anything at all? Perhaps they are building a case for their next move; Banning Smokers from bars and restaurants.
  2. If I owned one of the bars these yahoos tested, I would have tossed them out on their collective asses.
  3. They neglected to report that, during the same period, revenues and profits at the bars and restaurants surveyed dropped almost as much as the second hand smoke.
  4. Anti-smoking zealots who now go to the bars and restaurants eat salads, drink water and leave tips averaging 3% of the bill.



I’m convinced. W is a moron

It’s taken 7 years and one hell of a lot of cajoling, but I’m finally convinced that President George W. Bush is a moron.

Sorry folks, but I can’t argue with logic as sound as this.

If you can’t believe Burt Bacharach, who can you believe?

By the way, the Second biggest moron in the world is the idiot editor at www.contactmusic.com who thought this was newsworthy.

“EXTRA, EXTRA...Hollywood Lefty thinks Bush is the root of all evil.”

Not exactly “dog bites man.”

Dear Nihilist,

I was heartened to see that KAR lost to JB Doubtless by only 2 votes in the Great Heavy Metal Controversy of '05. It was a hard fought battle in which we came up a little bit short.

Why do I use the word "heartened," you ask?

Well, in the face of JB's dismissiveness of my argumentation skilz (ie by calling me Johnny Cochraine, derisively labeling me "law talking guy"), and despite his squeaker of a win, I humiliated him.

Yes. Humiliated.

JB should have gotten all of the votes. Hell, I even voted for him. While his evidence was mighty thin - and his best was hearsay from an interested party - my best evidence was hearsay that was 15 years old. While it is well known that Bruce Dickenson was a staunch Thatcherite back in the day, Dave was right: people do change (though usually not to the left, but I digress.)

I should have gotten 0 votes.

Yet I held the lead in the poll until the Fraters (who have a vested interest in the outcome) pulled their dirty little trick - even going so far as to encourage people to vote like, well, Democrats ("early and often").

So much for JB's "law talking guy" slurs.

But we accept the result (especially since it probably is the correct one; though we still do not buy Wylde's assertion that Bruce was "banging on the troops". That's inconsistent with Bruce's character, and the statement seemed rather gratuitous). Bruce may have devolved into a lefty twit.

I still will not ever EVER listen to that crap JB loves so much. (Did you hear that he likes the Dixie Chicks? So much for ideological purity.)

We here at KAR are grateful that you provided us a means to retain our rightful slot at the top of NIGP's Top 11 Blogs list. We have already complied with your requirements, and look forward to our restoration atop your pestigious list.

But since I am a "law talking guy," I feel duty bound to tell you this. When you wrote the following...

Unlike JB, the Irish have posted decisive victories over the past two weeks and are therefore ascending to the coveted #1 spot. They will remain there either until the point of a Notre Dame gridiron loss or until V-Toed Bill changes his handle to "Nihilist Wannabee."

...it constituted an offer to KAR to enter into a unilateral contract. Since the acceptance of a unilateral contract (which makes it legally binding) is achieved through performance by the putative offeree (us), and since we have fully performed in response to your offer; you are bound to return us to #1 of the Top 11 Blogs list. Notwithstanding anything that Chad the Elder may have said in the comment thread here.

Just sayin'.

Plus I'll buy you a beer, next time we meet up.

I look forward to continuing our mutually beneficial relationship, in a very sincere and legally binding way.

Regards,

The KAR Krew