Monday, October 31, 2005

HELP!

Will one of you kind folks please tell me what the hell the following letter means? I hate to reprint it in full, but you’ll want to reread it several times before submitting your response.

Enjoy:

The recent article about a pregnant 12 year old alongside the coverage of the Vikings lake cruise points out the enduring misunderstandings and fear surrounding the most basic of human characteristics.

Girls of age 12 are increasingly ready to bear children by virtue of a good diet and natural biological development
[Sound of head being scratched]. Of course what's lacking is a comprehensive values based factual education about the risks of early sexual activity. We adults are too embarrassed to allow the teaching of these subjects [More head scratching due to complete confusion over the previous statement].

The Vikings also suffer from a lack of values based education. Their recent activities on the "love boat" reveal a serious lack of judgment while reinforcing the male female double standard about sex. (It's OK for guys but not OK for girls.) [Blood is beginning to pour from the scratch marks as I recall the backlash against the slime-ball players, not the hookers/strippers/sluts] For both groups the early understanding of human sexuality and the values connected with personal conduct would have helped prevent these unfortunate incidents.[how about a simple understanding of right and wrong?]

But I forgot...we already have a "family values" regime that silences discussion of these vital issues [trying to bandage bloody scratch marks but the blood is seeping through the gauze as try to reconcile why this piece of bat dung has been printed if talk of sex has been outlawed by the W regime] while promoting failed policies like "abstinence only" and similar fantasies. How well does this work? Just read the paper to find out.

GEORGE HUTCHINSON, MINNEAPOLIS

There you have it, the Minnesota Viking Orgy and 12 year old girls getting knocked-up are W’s fault.

Is this schmo can’t be serious. How exactly can he say that a “values based” education is necessary and then shoot down the very value – abstinence - that will keep a 12 year old girl from becoming a mother?

My guess is George Hutchinson of Minneapolis values the in-school distribution of condoms and offering abortion services during recess.

Could it be that George would like to teach the classes himself, complete with visual aids?

I have two daughters myself and I think I’ll remove the “good diet” variable in hopes of delaying the day on which they will be ready to bear children.

From now until they day they’re married, it’s chips and soda for every meal.

Veggies are out.

KAR's Birthday Wish List

November 5th is KAR's one-year anniversary. Since that date falls on a Saturday this year, we're going to party all week long.

Since you still have the better part of a week to get us a present, here is our wish list:

* The Vikings go on a sex boat hooker cruise every single week.

* Eva Young's computer gets a virus that causes the "copy" and "paste" functions in her web browser to stop working. Permanently.

* I have a fever. And the only prescription is more "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" parody songs.

* MNObserver continues not to see the inherent irony when she labels Katherine Kersten "Minnesota's Worst Writer".

* Katherine Kersten loses the "Shaft" hairdo.

* Mitch Berg devises a method to limit the comments frequent Shot in the Dark commenter / DNC talking-point regurgitator "PB" to 10,000 words or less.

* The conventions of haiku are altered to allow for 25 syllables.

* Google buys out KAR for $47 million.

* Monday through Thursday funnies.

* To one day - and I realize that this may be a pipe dream - make "Atomizer's A-List."

* Or failing that, Sisyphus' Rock Solid in the Blogosphere.

* That upon the successful completion of his factfinding mission here on earth, the Mother Ship returns to take Nonmonkey back to his home planet of Ghassbaigh. During the mission debriefing, he is given several anal probes until his debriefers discover he enjoys the probes so much that they find an alternate, more painful method of extracting his brain for downloading.

This Is Glorious

It appears that from the Dem's perspective, all they got for Fitzmas was a big ol' lump of anthracite:

Democrats insist that president fire Rove
Many Republicans did damage control, as Democrats urged Bush to investigate the vice president's role in the CIA leak case
.

Er, wasn't that Patrick Fitzgerald's job for the past 2 years?

This part is just precious:

Democrats demanded Sunday that President Bush fire deputy chief of staff Karl Rove and that the White House fully account for Vice President Dick Cheney's role in the unmasking of CIA agent Valerie Plame, as Republicans acted to limit the political damage from Friday's indictment of Cheney's chief of staff.

The special prosecutor found no wrongdoing on Rove's part (although the investigation is continuing - but don't hold your breath for any indictments. Well, you kool aid drinking Dems can hold your breaths. That's it keep holding it. No breathing now...), but the Dems still want him fired. Santa didn't give them what they wanted, so now they're going to stomp their feet and throw a hissy fit.

Haaaaarrrrrrry: your agenda is showing.

I am laughing at all of you.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Moron Mail

I usually don't post on Sundays. But since abject stupidity doesn't take a day off, duty calls.

And holy balls did it call today. Number one comes from the "well-informed" faction of the "reality based" community:

At last, America has some answers about the possible criminal, certainly unethical, outing of a covert CIA agent.

The first President Bush called those who reveal the names of covert CIA sources "the most insidious of traitors." President George W. Bush stated he would fire anyone who was involved in leaking the agent's identity. This isn't about Democrat or Republican, this is about whether a presidential adviser broke the law. Should Karl Rove be above the law?

CHR!S G3G^X, MINNEAPOLIS.

Er, Karl Rove wasn't indicted. And it looks like he won't be indicted. Which means he didn't break the law. Which means that nobody is asserting that Rove is above the law. Which indicates that the surgeon must have cut off too much brain when Chris got his lobotomy.

Now Chris, please clean the drool off your chin and the semen off your newspaper, and please sht the hell up.

Number 2 employs the faux moral authority tactic that lefties like to use, since they seem unwilling, or unable to formulate a coherent argument:

Two thousand American soldiers dead, more than 15,000 wounded, hundreds of billions of dollars spent. Is that a reasonable price to pay for a faulty Iraq constitution? For a dubious democracy in Iraq? For what many people call a lie?

Let us never forget that the president sent our troops to war because he said Iraq was an imminent threat with weapons of mass destruction.

And now Bush the Lesser says the only way we can honor the dead is to send more young Americans to die in vain.

These are the thoughts of a World War II combat veteran who is a patriotic American. I have lived a long time and never have I seen such bloody stupidity in one administration.
FR3D W. B00TH, EDINA
.

Love this. "I fought in WWII so I'm immune from criticism of my drooling stupidity." Oh and by the way, this guy has done this before.

OK, so let's count up the stupidities here:

1) "Dubious democracy" - please explain. Fred can't because he's just parroting MoveOn promulgated propaganda.

2) "Faulty constitution" - Please point to the faulty provisions, Fred. Of course he can't because he hasn't read it. He's just parroting MoveOn promulgated propaganda.

3) The "went to war for WMD" canard. That is itself a lie. For an example, see here. Of course Fred doesn't know any better since he is just mindlessly parroting MoveOn promulgated propaganda.

I could go on and on about the mind-numbing intelligence insulting pure moonbatic imbecility of Fredo here. But I don't have the moral authority.

But then again, I know that my grandfather who scaled the cliffs at Point Du Hoc one dreary June morning some sixty-odd years ago would agree with me, so just consider me acting as his proxy, Fred, you ass.

And finally from the self-loathing human category of moonbat, we get this submitted without comment:

I applaud your "Land Rush" series, and while disturbing, it is sadly not surprising. With all the talk of buckthorn and zebra mussels, it is apparent that we humans are the most dangerous and invasive species on the planet.

C^RR!E GR^H^M, FALCON HEIGHTS.

OK - one comment.

Please lead by example, and kill yourself first Carrie.

What's that you say? That's not what you meant?

You fricking moron.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Last Call

Serious props to those of you who were able to learn how to use e-mail in such a short period of time. Your responses will facilitate our (read: Bill's) planning.

If you are interested in participating in the 2nd Annual Buick KAR-Nation Millard Fillmore Memorial Open Championship Golf Outing Classic, but have not yet dropped me a line (I'm looking in your direction Nihilist) please do so with all due speed.

And now, I do the following only to put KAR at the top of certain google / technorati searches:

Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter Scooter

Sorry. No Ammo Here.

If you commit perjury, you deserve to suffer the consequences.

Were you saying the same thing seven years ago? I was.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled self-stimulation to indictment porn.

I Think That I Have Flash's Problem Figured Out

He has trouble with the meanings of words. For example, yesterday he wrote:

The fringe wins, and the President is even more of a lame duck then he was already.

Note that the link inbedded in the word "fringe" will take you to Bogus Doug's blog. If Bogus Doug is "Fringe," then I'm guessing that Flash sees someone like Howard "The Right Wing of the Court Issued the Kelo Decision" Dean is right down the middle.

Similarly, I think that Flash is having trouble with the terms "win" and "cover the spread" leading to his stunningly bad 28% accuracy rate. Talk about "fringe"!

Then again, I'm making the correct call 87% of the time; so I guess some "fringes" can be good.

Also, good news for Karl Rove. Flash wrote, just moments ago (emphasis mine):

Former RNC Chairman Ed 'Dizzy' Gillespie is marked to replace Rove once the indictment comes down.

Sounds like Flash is predicting that Rove will be indicted on some future date. This means that we will soon see Rove elevated to King, then ascend into heaven and be beatified by the Vatican shortly thereafter.

That is, if Flash's talent for predicting the future remains consistent.

Anyway, on to this week's slate:

1. Arizona @ Dallas (-9). OK, explain to me why you want either side of this bet. Josh McCown has hung onto the starting job because either a) he has a picture of Dennis Green in corpus flagrante with a goat on a boat on Lake Minnetonka or b) Mrs. Kurt Warner is lobbying to keep her husband home to take out the trash. Meanwhile, Tuna changes kickers and wonders if Quincy Carter would have thrown that duck at the end of the Seahawk game. People still think these teams are contenders. In the NFC, alas, they are.

Ugh. The first team to 10 wins! In a game that will be as low scoring as this one probably will be, you gotta take the points.

Pick: Cards.

2. Miami "@" San AntonioNew Orleans (-2). I thought at first -2 was the over-under number for yards gained by Ricky Williams. New Orleans beat Buffalo at "home" well and now gets the Fish. Paul Prudhomme must be contemplating jambalaya with this group.

WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP

This is The Lower-Ratings-Than-Saturday-Morning-Talk-Radio-Unwatchable-Game-of-the-Week!!!!!!!



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Team Schizophrenic Nomads v. Team Doobie. Wretched wretched wretched. Yucky barfy barf.

Pick: Nawlins.

3. Jacksonville (-2.5) @ St. Louis. Am I the only person who's going to miss Mike Martz calling timeouts on 2nd and 6 from the Ram 24 because he just had a great idea/brain fart? Psst, St. Louis: Fisher DeBerry might be available. Am I the only person who thinks Bryan Leftwich is football's answer to the Black Knight? Stop telling me to feel sorry for David Carr -- the Jags seem to enjoy watching Leftwich get smacked like Curly Howard. This game's fun for two reasons -- you really need to pay attention to the Ram injury report, and these teams have never played each other.

I'm going to take St. Louis for no other reason than they're home dogs.

Pick: Rams.

DISCLAIMER: If you have used my picks in the past as a guide for wagering, might I suggest you take this week off? I don't like any of these.

Maybe Strommie can air a bonus broadcast of Taxpayers' League Live on Sunday Afternoon. It'd beat the hell out of watching any of these horrible games.

Well, not by much.

Markets Indicate a Large Number of Liberals Pleasuring Themselves

As of 11:00 am CDT today, the Dow Jones Industrial Average is up 98.78 points on heavy trading. Experts attribute this surge to record sales of hand lotion and Kleenex in the past 2 days.

In urelated news, special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald is expected to issue information regarding his investigation at 11:00 am CDT today.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Birth of KAR Was the Result of an Immaculate Conception

The Politburo Diktat is attempting to trace blog lineages by soliciting bloggers to cite their "blog fathers" - those who inspired them to start blogging. As we speak, bloggers from around the world are proclaiming their respective blog heritages in a vain attempt to push their daily traffic from 10 visits per day to 15.

Alas, KAR cannot participate. No big-timer birthed us.

Well, that's not exactly true.

The entity that KAR owes its existence to is not a blog. Nor is it an online magazine, televison or (especially) radio personality. No, if there are those who look to blame someone for KAR's existence, you need look no farther than...

Jane Smiley.

Who is Jane Smiley, you ask?

Jane Smiley is the dumbfuck bitch novelist / essayist who wrote this piece of congealed dog vomit.

WAIT!!!! DON'T FOLLOW THAT LINK!!!! Clinical tests conducted over the past year prove that you can lose up to 20 IQ points for merely glancing at it. As a public service, I will summarize it for you:

After the last election, the editors of Slate magazine asked some authors to write about why they thought the democrats keep losing elections, and specifically, why Kerry lost this one.

Smiley's theory: because 52% of the population is stupid.

That's right: if you voted for Bush, you were an irredeemable nitwit, whose very life is owed to some cosmic grace because it's clear that you don't have an adequate number of brain cells to keep breathing.

Oh, she put it in a much more "intellectual" way, by saying:

The election results reflect the decision of the right wing to cultivate and exploit ignorance in the citizenry. I suppose the good news is that 55 million Americans have evaded the ignorance-inducing machine.

(Ha! I fooled you into losing 5 IQ points!)

Of course Smiley - a Kerry voter to be sure - refuted her whole "Blue Staters are smarter" theory by writing this pile of shit, because her simplistic hate-filled screed, in all of its self-adulatory simple-mindedness, actually revealed that she herself was wading at the shallow end of the intellect pool.

But still this piece, and then all the moronic letters to the Strib that all basically stated the same thing in one form or another, provoked such rage in my gut that I felt something needed to be done to release it. I really don't take well to people who are dumber than me telling me how dumb I am. I'm sensitive like that.

My first impulse was to beat the effete elitism out of Smiley with an axe handle. But I figured that since assault is illegal just about everywhere, it probably was also illegal on whatever planet Smiley resided.

So I started this blog. To scream back. Loudly.

I had only looked at a blog once before then during the Rathergate thing. I figured if a bunch of guys crying foul using a medium I had never heard of before worked to get a message out, then it could work for me as well.

So that's why the mission here is not the dissemination of news or a forum for debate (more than one point-missing drooling moonbat idiot has referred to KAR as an "echo chamber" where "dissent is suppressed," which never fails to draw a chuckle); it's to whack elitist fuckwads who sorely deserve it upside the head with a rhetorical axe handle.

And to write haikus about floating football orgies and poop.

Nonmonkey famously reviled us local bloggers on his short-lived radio stint. KAR actually caught his attention a couple times, and it would not be much of a stretch to say that he reviled this blog more than most. What NM was too stupid to realize was that it was not he who was "shouting back" at the blogs; it was the blogs shouting back at him. And, at least in KAR's case, the best way to get us to go away was for him and people like him to shut the hell up.

Given the quality of discourse now, almost one year later, I think we're going to be here a while.

FIBs in Rapture

The Chicago White Sox won the World Series last night, defeating the Houston Astros in a dramatic 1 to nothing game. The four game sweep of the Astros clinched the Sox's first world championship since 1917. Jubilant Chicagoans took to the streets in celebration.

Shortly after the final out, a violent earthquake rattled the Second City. A quarter-mile wide rent in the earth opened parallel to the Eisenhower Freeway. An unanticipated full moon emerged from behind the clouds, and shortly thereafter, it turned blood red.

The revelers were then shocked to see a phalanx of demons emerge from the fresh crevice in the earth as the righteous among them suddenly ascended into the heavens. Many watched in awe as the hell-spawn began their dastardly work.

Two fans near the Navy Pier who were wearing sandwich boards that read "The End is Nigh" were squashed under the gigantic six-toed foot of Bloorab the Obese. Gorlack the Destructor pulled the John Hancock Tower from its foundation and used it as a toothpick to extract the corpses that were stuck between its fangs.

Most Cub fans watched the events on television momentarily, then sniffed and returned to eating their Brie. None of them had time to react before they were all incinerated in the Bath of Fire that consumed the entire North Side, fed by the flames emanating from the anus of Thorgon the Confligrator.

The multi-phaliced Incubi of the Apocalypse rampaged through Flossmoor, Palatine and Skokie methodically raping all the women one by one. When they finished, they began on the men...

And the panicked hordes that ran the streets en masse fell victim to the toxic emanations of Nickoleman the Lecturer of Doom.

When all that remained were burned-out skyscrapers and smoldering corpses - and the few death-craving souls left alive - the Seventh Angel poured forth his bowl and said, "It is done."

The few survivors took a small solace in the distraction the End Times provided from the fact that they lived in Chicago. Until the the Four Horsemen came for them as well.

Moron Mail

Really stupid people should not be allowed to speak, write or otherwise convey what they are thinking.

Really stupid people should not have the right to their opinion.

Really stupid people should be locked-up to protect society from their stupidness.

Today’ Really Stupid Person award goes to: Emil J. Slowinski of Minneapolis.

Emil J. Slowinski of Minneapolis was named today’s Really Stupid Person because of the drivel following claptrap that oozed from his pea-sized brain [all emphasis is mine]:

Looked at realistically, the Iraq War is a disaster. It has caused the deaths of 2,000 U.S. soldiers and countless Iraqi civilians and cost more than $200 billion.

What have we accomplished in Iraq? We have removed Saddam Hussein from power, and have put him on trial for his crimes. This is about the only positive result of our invasion. Has it been worth the tremendous cost?

EMIL J. SLOWINSKI, MINNEAPOLIS

Could it be that Emil J. Slowinski of Minneapolis was sleeping when Iraqis went to the polls and freely elected their representitives?

Perhaps Emil J. Slowinski of Minneapolis was having his brain recharged when Iraqis went to the polls and voted in favor of their new Constitution.

If Emil J. Slowinski of Minneapolis was born a really stupid person, have some sympathy for him and the poor souls who have to wipe his butt every day. He is, after all, too stupid to wipe his own.

My guess, however, is that Emil J. Slowinski of Minneapolis caused the brain damage to himself when he scrapped his brain with a knitting needle while trying to get a really choice bugger from deep inside his nose.

When you see Emil J. Slowinski of Minneapolis, be sure to congratulate him on his much-deserved award. You’ll recognize him by the devastating body odor and toilet paper sticking out of the back of his pants.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

You People Are Lame

Here I asked those of you who expressed an interest in participating in KAR's second annual golf outing to e-mail me at koolaidreport (at) yahoo (dot) com so that I could compile a mailing list that would facilitate planning of the event.

I have an additional question to ask:

WHAT FREAKING PART OF "E-MAIL ME" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND??????

Get on the freaking ball. I have IP addresses and will start embarrassing people as necessary (right, Steve?).

Another year without a Sadie Hawkins date

If Sheryl’s not available, maybe Ellen is.

Do I dare get my hopes up?

Windy Cindy

Windy Cindy is at it again and has nothing new to say.

Why does this woman continue to get the attention she does? I know, I’m only adding to it by posting about her, but I know there are no folks friendly to her cause that read this wonderful blog.

And now she’s talking about tying herself to the White House fence until she’s arrested. She then vows to return – after being released – and tie herself to the fence again. She plans to continue this cycle until the troops are sent home.

Here’s an idea for the Secret Service and White House police force: Leave her tied to the fence. Let her carryout her protest without interference.

I think it would be a real treat to watch her face become more and more shriveled as the days and weeks wear on. Kinda like the Halloween pumpkin that’s left out on the front step to be overcome by nature.

Can you imagine how hideous this face will look after two, three, or four weeks in the wind and rain?

I can’t imagine it getting more hideous, but any thing is possible.

I'm Not Saying That Liberalism is a Mental Illness...

...just that a lot of lefties seem to be mentally ill:

Narcissism

While there are the obvious examples of certain publicity obsessed bloggers, or media whores who who anxiously await some arbitrary number of war casualties so that they can perform dull-witted publicity stunts, they're too obvious to merit mentioning.

But I will point to the sheer numbers of morons who are so in love with themselves, that they google their own names only to be shocked - SHOCKED - to learn that there is actually somebody out here in the world that thinks that the imbecilic drivel they managed to get printed in the local paper is complete twaddle.

Confusion

People who once distrusted the CIA and hated everything it stands for are suddenly indignant that a clandestine officer's name was leaked.

Fetishism

Becoming uncontrollably sexually aroused by something that is decidedly non-erotic. Like grand jury proceedings.

Pathological Lying

NOTE TO MOONBATS: Here I am applying the "dictionary" or "actual" definition of the word lie. Not the made up one you people like to use.

Many examples to choose from, but the most contemporary would have to be Gorgeous George Galloway.

Short Man Syndrome

The diminutive yet twerpy Al Franken even pretending he could beat up anybody over the age of 18 months.

Schizophrenia

YEEEEARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!

Delusional Thinking / Hallucinations

Howard Dean: "The president and his right-wing Supreme Court think it is 'okay' to have the government take your house if they feel like putting a hotel where your house is"

If Dean thinks John Paul Stevens is on the right wing of the Court, then I am Daily Kos. With unicorns shooting out my nostrils.

Autism

Halliburton. Definitely Halliburton. Scooter! Ten minutes to indictments. Bush blew the levees. Definitely Bush. And Halliburton. Definitely Halliburton. I farted.

Sociopathy

Well, there is this wonderful example of moonbat stalking still fresh in our memories. But for Flash's edification, I also offer this anecdotal evidence, which I wrote some time ago that also tends to prove that the rotten eggs came before the "chicken". If he'll get off his high horse to read it.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Outing Update

No, not that outing. Here, I speak of the proposed Second Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KAR-Nation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic. Tentatively scheduled for "next year".

According to the recent KAR Poll, 11 people are interested in competing for the coveted Royal Purplesaurus Rex Jug at (tentatively) the prestigious TPC at Valleywood. An additional 10 KAR-Nationals thought it might be fun to sit at the TPC-VW's stadium-like 18th green and heckle golfers. Of course, I'm positive that the proprietors of the TPC would require anybody who wishes to do that to play a round first, meaning we have enough participants for 5 foursomes!

Oh, and Gigl voted for "Whitesnake Rules" 5 times, meaning he is banned from the greater Apple Valley area during the event.

But seriously, if you would like to participate (or send me the IP address of the asshole who is harassing MDE), please contact me at koolaidreport (at) yahoo (dot) com so I can compile a list and keep the interested parties apprised of our plans. If we get enough participants (I'm thinking 24 or more) we might be able to have real, non-photoshopped prizes, and perhaps even raise some $$$$ for charity.

Even if you either rarely golf, or don't at all, if enough people sign up, we can do a "scramble" format which would mitigate both the competative disadvantage and the embarrassment stemming from your lack of experience.

And did I mention that there would be beer?

So please drop me a line if you've got the dimpled balls. Or a stiff shaft.

A Cause to Celebrate?

Who will rejoice more:

A. Radical Islamofascist pigs or,
B. The Left lead by Howard "The Duck" Dean and Cindy "The Greiving Mom"

Tough call, aint it?

Oh Look: A Lefty Being a Dick

How shocking!

Anyway, it seems the Minnesota Democrat Exposer has been unmasked. And this time those obsessed with finding out his true identity actually had some evidence. Even a blind squirel finds a nut every now and again...

Unfortunately, the revelations have roused at least one "person" in the Life-Challenged community. Please forgive the Eva-esque comment thread copy and paste job (the personal information has been excised by me and is indicated either in brackets or with Xes):

I hate MDE said...

I'm back:During the daytime M.D.E can be found [deleted] in the evening M.D.E. can be found [a specific address]

admit you are michael brodkorb and i will stop posting your home address and directions to your home.

or you should I describe your house by the tan siding and forest green shutters?
9:41 AM


I hate MDE said...

admit you are michael brodkorb and i will stop posting your home address and directions to your home.

9:45 AM

I hate MDE said...

exposing the exposer is fun.

admit you are michael brodkorb and i will stop posting your home address and directions to your home.

[here the asshole gives Mapquest generated directions]

9:49 AM
I hate MDE said...

property records at dakota county has exposed more about you.admit you are michael brodkorb and i will stop posting your home address and directions to your home.

***

And here's when you can start cueing up the "Psycho" music:

9:55 AM

I hate MDE said...

PROPERTY ID NUMBER: XX-XXXXX-XXX-XX FEE OWNER: [EXCISED] [Address censored] PROPERTY ADDRESS: [Censored]
ESTIMATED MARKET VALUE LAST QUALIFIED SALE:
DATE: 10/04
AMOUNT: $XXX,XXX
BUILDING CHARACTERISTICS (PAYABLE 2006): TYPE S.FAM.RES
YEAR BUILT 1993 ARCH/STYLE TWO STORY FOUNDATION
SQ FT 1144
FINISHED SQ FT 2987
BEDROOMS 5
BATHS 3.75
FRAME WOOD GARAGE SQ FT 504
OTHER GARAGE MISC BLDG

you posted mccollum's info so your info is fair.

does your wife [Name] know you are mde?

5 bedrooms? you must have kids.

"you must have kids". Sounding ominous on purpose. I bet this guy will make a fine prison bitch.

***

I hate MDE said...
admit you are michael brodkorb and i will stop posting your home address and directions to your home


10:21 AM

I hate MDE said...
[PHONE NUMBER] will make sure every democrat in minnesota has this number.

exposing democrats will be easier if they can call you.

[howtorigelections.com] and [publicitywhore.com] should be time's "bloggers of the year"
10:27 AM


Yep. As long as there are well-adjusted civilized people like this in the "reality-based community" I will be keeping the LearnedFoot handle. It's enough to make someone with a temper like mine indignant to the point of anger.

And hypothetically, if MDE were to, oh say, send me this guy's IP address I don't know what I might do. I may do something that "I Hate MDE" might regret.

In a much classier and totally "legal" way, of course.

So to MDE, I say this: please oh please do not email that IP address to koolaidreport at yahoo dot com. I don't if I would be able to restrain myself.

Really. It would be very hard to pull punches. I really don't want to know this guy's IP address. So don't send it to me.

Unless you really want to.

That email again is: koolaidreport at yahoo dot com.

And the sooner you don't send it to me, the better.

BREAKING NEWS: Armed Forces Radio in Crisis!!!!!!!

Recieved from the soon to be defunct Minnesota Air "America" affiliate:

One of our most popular [a relative term, if ever there was one. -ed.] talk show hosts, Ed Schultz, was halted from debuting on Armed Forces Radio last week. Before the show even had a chance, he received a call from Allison Barber, the Pentagon's deputy assistant secretary for internal communications, to say that the deal was off. Barber told the producer of Ed's show that she was calling early to let Schultz know that he was not to start his show on AFR and would be delayed indefinitely.

Ed wondered about the timing of the phone call since it came on the heels of his criticism of Barber for coaching US soldiers in Iraq before a teleconference with President Bush. Schultz's show last week began with audio outtakes of Barber sounding foolish as she rehearsed the troops 'question and answer' session with Bush.

Limbaugh can't be the only voice for over one million soldiers and their families stationed around the world. If you are interested in making a comment about their last minute decision to pull The Ed Schultz Show, please contact ARMED FORCES RADIO NETWORK at 703-428-0619 or email: afrtpln@hq.afis.osd.mil. If you would like to contact your Senator or Representative, please go to either; www.senate.gov or www.house.gov.

If thousands of Air America Minnesota listeners take action, those on the right know we mean business. Don't take this lying down! Show your support by calling the phone number above. Please let us know what they said! Thank you!

Because those brave men and women fighting for our right to be heard deserve to be demoralized by our exercise of that right!

Monday, October 24, 2005

The Police Can Teach Us a Lot About How the Left Wing Fraud Machine Lays it on Thick

Many miles away
Something crawls from the slime...
-The Police

At a US House of Representatives committee hearing on Milwaukee's vote fraud scandal:

Backers [of a picture ID requirement], including a member of a national election reform commission that recommended such a provision, said it would help restore confidence in the election system, assist poll workers and help guard against some forms of voter fraud. Critics said it would unfairly hit the poor and minorities, with U.S. Rep. Gwen Moore (D-Milwaukee) declaring flatly it would "have the effect of disenfranchising over a quarter of a million eligible voters in our state."

"A quarter of a million eligible voters"?????

Crock.

Of.

Shit.

If a quarter of a million eligible voters (out of probably 3.5 million) don't have a picture ID, then there are a quarter of a million Wisconsinites who cannot:

* Rent a video

* Cash a check

* BUY BEER (we're talking about Wisconsin here, remember).

Side note: Noticeably absent in this article containing Gwen Moore's righteous indignation that 'twould be a tragedy - a TRAGEDY I TELLS YA' -if EVEN ONE eligible voter were somehow not able to vote is an interesting little factoid.

Gwen Moore's son was indicted on charges that he, with other Democrat "operatives" slashed the tires of vehicles being used for a Republican get-out-the-vote drive.

Yeah, they're concerned about "disenfranchisement." My ass.

In the same article, another helpful Democrat illustrates the somewhat nebulous ethics of the Party when it comes to the integrity of elections:

During the hearing, Green and state Rep. Pedro Colon (D-Milwaukee) tangled on the fraud issue, after Colon said repeatedly "they have not been able to find any fraud" in the election, even at one point attributing the assertion to U.S. Attorney Steve Biskupic.

A joint investigation led by Biskupic and Milwaukee County District Attorney E. Michael McCann said this summer they had found clear evidence of fraud, including 200 felons who illegally voted in the city and another 100-plus people they believe voted under false names, bad addresses or twice.

Heh. Gotcha. Here's the money line:

"If you don't have evidence, you don't have fraud," said Colon.

Got that? It's only wrong if you get caught.

Meanwhile you've got all these lefties masturbating over indicments of Tom Delay that they don't even understand.

Synchronicity.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us A Lot About the Star Tribune's Consistency

Have you ever talked to someone
And you feel you know what's coming next?
It feels pre-arranged.

'Cause you know you've heard it before.

-Iron Maiden.

It's comforting to know that despite the much ballyhooed overhall of the Strib's design, the content remains largely unchanged.

To prove their bona fides in this respect, the editors of the opinion pages pitched a shutout today. To wit:

* The institutional voice editorial was devoted to endorsements of candidates for the Minneapolis city council in wards 1 through 5. The High Priests of Portland Ave. picked all DFLers save for 1 Greenie. Not that there's much of a choice in Minneapolis politics.

* Of the 10 letters published today, 8 were prime examples of fire-breathing lefty moonbatism, 1 was an endorsement of a DFL candidate for the Park Board, and only one can be characterized as crossing ideological lines (public funding for a Twins stadium).

* Of the three "Opinion Exchange" items, one can be characterized as politically neutral, while the other 2 are way left of center (yet another "we gotta keep 'em on the plantation" attack on school vouchers, and yet another "we gotta keep 'em on the plantation, rich get richer, poor get poorer" babble about a supposedly shrinking public trough).

If antitrust laws allowed for a cause of action for restraint on the marketplace of ideas, I'd be running to the courthouse.

But again, I like the Strib just the way it is: a rich source of material.

Moron Music

Another compelling argument for forced sterilization:

Thirteen-year-old twins Lamb and Lynx Gaede have one album out, another on the way, a music video, and lots of fans.

Now naming your children "Lamb" and "Lynx" is bad enough, and ought to subject the offending parent to the death penalty. But it gets worse:

Known as "Prussian Blue" — a nod to their German heritage and bright blue eyes — the girls from Bakersfield, Calif., have been performing songs about white nationalism before all-white crowds since they were nine.

It almost makes me want to convert to Judaism, so that it would be especially fulfilling to beat the stupid out of the parents of these girls, should the opportunity present itself. Anyway, these two go way beyond misguided into a realm of stupidity that is rarely seen outside the Strib's opinion pages:

"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white … we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."

"We want to keep being white..."

It's only SPF 500 and above for these two. And forget about the Bahamas...

Oh yes. About the "parents":

Lynx and Lamb have been nurtured on racist beliefs since birth by their mother April. "They need to have the background to understand why certain things are happening," said April, a stay-at-home mom who no longer lives with the twins' father. "I'm going to give them, give them my opinion just like any, any parent would."

April home-schools the girls, teaching them her own unique perspective on everything from current to historical events. In addition, April's father surrounds the family with symbols of his beliefs — specifically the Nazi swastika. It appears on his belt buckle, on the side of his pick-up truck and he's even registered it as his cattle brand with the Bureau of Livestock Identification.

Oh sweet holy crap. Someone ought to hogtie these people, drop them in the middle of Harlem, and force them to eat spinach gratin for a year.

I only add this last bit because it reeks of parody. But glancing at the calendar, I see we are a long way from April 1:

Songs like "Sacrifice" — a tribute to Nazi Rudolf Hess, Hitler's deputy Fuhrer — clearly show the effect of the girls' upbringing. The lyrics praise Hess as a "man of peace who wouldn't give up."

A. Musical. Tribute. To. Rudolph. Hess.

[Here, LearnedFoot pauses to allow his head to explode.]

Well, I suppose it's not all that different than wearing a Che Guevarra shirt.

LearnedFoot's Week 7 Breakdown

I gave Obnoxious Packer Guy the day off. He tried to throw himself off a cliff yesterday. Fortunately he was drunk, so he missed. I figured he need a break.

So OPG's weekly duties fall to me. I am not exactly on my game today, since I am still recovering from a nasty bug that siezed my body about half-way through 4th quarter yesterday. I believe it may have been the bird flu, or possibly bubonic plague. Whatever it was it made me feel as though I had been run over by a bus while hallucinating and being stabbed repeatedly in my stomach. The Packers have frequently made me barf, but given the other symptoms, I think my illness was caused by some microbe that's almost as bad.

Did I mention the projectile vomiting? It looked like spinach gatin floating in the toilet.

Anyhoo, I have two unrelated observations about yesterday's action:

First, en route to the Vikings achieving their annual Ultimate Goal of beating the Pack's second and third-strings (which is notable, since most teams aspire to the somewhat less lofty "making the playoffs") and Saving the Franchise, this game blessed us Packer fans with a moment of clarity:

Mike Tice completely and utterly outcoached Mike Sherman in the second half.

Mike Tice is the worst head coach in the history of football.

Anybody who is outcoached by Tice in any given 5-minute span - let alone an entire half, does not belong in the NFL.

Therefore, Mike Sherman must be fired.

Plus - and long-time KAR readers are already aware of this - Mike Sherman looks like a pear:


Second, and more importantly, I further cemented my place in football prognosticating immortality this weekend:

3 FOR 3!!!!!!!!!!!

....

AGAIN.

Since I get nothing but intangible, psychic pleasure from a Packers' win; but I get the very real benefit of "more beer" for each game I pick correctly, I feel fine.

Other than the occasional spinach gratin barf.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

An Open Letter to Darren Sharper from OPG

Dear Darren,

It was interesting to read yesterday that you have presented four pages of "intelligence" on the tendencies of Packer personnel to Mike Tice. (Note that this may be the first time that the words "Mike Tice" and "intelligence" have appeared in the same sentence without that sentence also including the word "lack".) Indeed according to the above linked story, today's game appears mighty important to you:

When the Vikings schedule was released in April, Sharper circled, underlined and highlighted the dates of the games between the teams: Oct. 23 and Nov. 21.

Did it ever occur to you that if you had showed that much enthusiasm for beating other teams when you were with the Pack, they probably wouldn't have demanded that you take a $4 million pay cut?

I hope you sprain your knee today, you disloyal fuckball.

Yours in Deep, Deep Hatred,

Obnoxious Packer Guy

P.S. How was the cruise?

Friday, October 21, 2005

Agents of Perversion Surround Us

I read the crushing expose of Senator Michele Bachmann, who has not condemned the Vikings Sex Boat Party. Since she hasn't condemned this behavior, obviously that means she's a committed supporter of orgies.

I decided to do a little bit of investigating. I have to say I'm completely shocked by what I found. THOUSANDS of Minnesotans have so far failed to attack the Vikings debauchery. I am apparently surrounded by perverts!

A partial list:
  1. Former governor Arne Carlson. On the one hand, it's disgusting. On the other, it's good to see the old guy still has a taste for rampant debauchery.
  2. Pioneer Press food critic Nancy Ngo has said nothing about the Sex Cruise, thus betraying a taste for naked football players. Whoah - don't touch that salad, you don't know where it's been!
  3. For that matter, Eva Young, despite having asked about half a dozen times why Senator Bachmann hasn't come out against piles of writhing Vikingflesh on the floor of our currently-recessed Senate, has not condemned it herself. Hmmmm. Curious.
  4. No word on whether Christina Aguilera has condemned the orgy. Or was involved, for that matter.
  5. Father Dennis Dease, president of the University of Saint Thomas? Not a single word. Parents, don't send your kids there!
  6. Strib Saint Paul columnist Joe Kimball? Nuthin'.
  7. But here's some good news: Charlize Theron is apparently also a supporter of lewd public whammajamma! She has not said word one about the Vikings' behavior. Yay!
But wait, I haven't attacked the Sex Cruise either!

I must be pervert, too!

WHEN WILL IT END, OH SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH?

I'd Rather Eat Spinach Gratin Than Watch the Redskins - 49ers Game


For the first time, I went 1 for 3. Oh, it wasn't picking last week's winners; I was perfect yet again with that. No, I failed to guess 2 of the three games that King Bananaaoadhbnaian would select this week. Fortunately, there was nothing riding on that.

On to the games:

1. Kansas City at Miami (-2). The line opened with KC a 2.5 favorite in some places, and moved quickly to Miami at 1.5. The Chefs whipped up on the Redskins last weekend with some trickery, but still allowed an anemic offense to score 21 points against them. The Fish now have Ricky Williams back to catch footballs rather than rays and doobies, but he only got 8 yards rushing. It's eh vs. eh in this one, but not nearly as much as...

Erf.

Dear Kansas City Chiefs: there's a guy on your team - maybe you've heard of him? - Tony Gonzales. Try to work him into your offense, m-kay?

Actually KC looks good here receiving points. Unless some smoke from Ricky Williams' bong wafts over to their bench, making the boys lethargic.

Pick: Chiefs

2. San Francisco at Washington (-12.5). Wasn't so long ago that nobody thought the Redskins could even score 12 points in a game. Now they're favored by 12.5 on the basis of a rejuvenated Mark Brunell and a highly underrated Santana Moss. The defense figures to pin their ears back and have at rookie QB Alex Smith, who now knows he won't get pulled for Tim Rattay. If Smith can find the two young receivers Battle and Lloyd twice in this game, can the Redskins score more than three touchdowns to cover this line? Let's ask the gents.

Don't ask me, man. I have absolutely no idea -

***WE INTERRUPT THIS POST FOR A LATE-BREAKING "MORON MAIL"***

Closed circuit to morons: it's really time to kill this joke:

Don't speak for God

Applying the same logic that radical religionists used to declare Hurricane Katrina as God's vengeance for abortion, homosexuality et al., should we assume that the Vikings' on- and off-field problems are payback for Coach Mike Tice's public support of President Bush in 2004?

Just wondering.

THE REV. D0N R0LL!NS, HANSKA, MINN
.

First of all, I believe that there was only one person who made that statement (the same one who thought that we ought to be going around shooting South American leaders, I believe). And he is universally regarded by both the right and the left as a flaming goober.

Second of all, you are not clever. We've been here before: this is an ooooooold joke that was first alluded to by Nick Coleman. Considering the source, it's not a particularly clever one either.

So this guy is a "reverend," huh? How much you want to bet he's a Unitarian?

[Googling]

Bingo.

***WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY-SCHEDULED FOOTBALL PICKS, ALREADY IN PROGRESS***

- Fransisco's defense has given up 160 points this year (2nd worst in NFC) while the 'Skins' has given up a paltry 86 (3rd best in the NFC). On the other side of the ball, the Niners have scored 79 points (worst in the NFC) while Washington has managed a mere 83 (second-worst in the NFC.)

Where does that leave us?

This is shaping up to be one wretchedly boring game.

And as far as betting on the NFL goes, big point spreads signal danger.

But Washington is at home, and if there's a team in the league that they will be able to score on, it's gotta be the lowly Niners.

I will probably regret this but:

Pick: Skins to cover.

3. Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-1). Now that Sargeant Slaughter has Tommy Maddox out of his system, can the Steelers get back to business with Rothliesbanaaaiaaaiaaaiiiian and the Bus? Time to find out how for real Carson Palmer really is, and if Chad Johnson will ever shut up.

Heh - "Rothliesbanaaaiaaaiaaaiiiian". I love that.

WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP

Yes, this is the Grecian-Formula-Make-Your-Beard-Turn-Gray-Nail-Biter-Line-of-the-Week:



This is easily the best game between two competent teams this weekend. Cinci is looking like the real deal, while da' Steelers lost last week when they were forced to use a facsimile of a quarterback for the injured Rothlesbaniaiaiaiaian. Pittsburgh needs this game and they need it bad. And the Bengals, while they are quite good, are young and will get knocked down a peg by a bunch of wily veterans that have been there before.

Pick: Steelaz.

Bachmann Asleep at the Switch

Yesterday, a young man fell into an abandoned grain elevator in North Minneapolis. Why hasn't Michelle Bachmann introduced legislation to tear down abandoned grain elevators? Curious.
cut and paste and cut and paste and cut and paste....
Also, it has been over two weeks since the Vikings went on their rediculous "pleasure cruise". It is interesting that Bachmann still has not publicly condemned their "lifestyle"-
Hey Eva! How about wriying your own copy for a change?
Oh silly me. That's not parody. Some idiot actually wrote that.

Developing...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

KAR: Ever Probing the Boundaries of Innovative Blogging

I'm sure you've noticed a depressing lack of stuff to rip on this week. Even beating up Harriet Miers and the Vikings gets old after the 73rd post on those topics.

So as filler material, I am going to do something that no blogger has yet done - indeed this is a first in the history of the internet. Please comport yourselves with the appropriate reverence that is expected of those who are witnesses to history.

I am going to fisk a recipe.

SPINACH GRATIN

Mmmmm. Gratin. How can anything called "gratin" sound the least bit appetizing? Let alone "spinach gratin". That's like saying "pukey barf".

Serves 6 to 8.

If the smell of this crap doesn't drive them from your home first.

Based loosely on a recipe in "Mastering the Art of French Cooking," by Julia Child, et. al.

[sarcasm] Ohhhh. Julia Child. Well then this must be good.[/sarcasm]

When someone invokes the "appeal to authority" fallacy before even listing the ingredients, you know it's going to be a clunker.

* 2 oz. (about 1/4c.) slivered almonds

For your recommended daily allowance of cyanide.

* 1/4c. golden raisins

* 2 (10-oz.) pkg. frozen chopped spinach

I have the feeling, spinach notwithstanding, that Popeye wouldn't even eat this crap.

* 7 tbsp. butter, divided

Now we're talkin'! But why divide the butter? The butter should unite behind the spinach. You see, we live in two Americas...

* 1 medium onion, chopped
* 1 clove garlic, minced or pressed


You'll have to eat about 40 pounds of Tic-tacs after this meal.

* Salt and pepper to taste
* 5 tbsp. flour
* 1 (101/2-oz.) can condensed consomme'


"Consomme'"????? What the hell is "consomme'"???? Isn't that what newlyweds do after the wedding reception?

Whatever it is, it sounds French, and therefore should be ridiculed at every opportunity.

* 11/2c. (6 oz.) grated Swiss cheese, divided
* 1/4c. dry bread crumbs


Can I just eat the bread crumbs?

Directions

Toast the almonds in a large frying pan over medium-low heat, stirring frequently, until they begin to color and become fragrant, about 7 minutes.

I bet I'll be "fragrant" after eating this.

Remove from pan immediately and set aside to cool. Plump the raisins in a cup of hot water. Prepare the spinach according to package directions; drain very well.

I love that word: "plump". Plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump plump.

Heat 4 tablespoons of the butter in a Dutch oven over medium heat. Stir in the onions and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are translucent. Stir in the spinach, salt and pepper, increase the heat to medium-high and cook, stirring, 5 to 10 minutes, until moisture has almost evaporated and the spinach begins to stick to the pan.

Ah. The only thing more appetizing than spinach is dessicated spinach.

Reduce heat to medium, sprinkle in the flour and cook,

...because there's nothing better to enhance the flavor of goopy spinach than flour...

stirring constantly, 1 minute. Stir in the consomme'and cook, stirring and scraping the pan bottom occasionally, about 20 minutes until the mixture has some body and is no longer liquid. Remove from heat.

OK. Do you really want to eat something that is SCRAPED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE PAN?????!!! And don't even get me started on the consomme'.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Butter a two-quart (7- by 11-inch or 9- by 9-inch) baking dish. Drain the plumped raisins

...plumped plumped plumped plumped plumped plumped plumped...

and stir into the spinach, along with the toasted almonds and half the cheese. Spread the mixture in the prepared pan. Mix the remaining cheese with the bread crumbs. Sprinkle this mixture over the spinach . Melt the remaining 3 tablespoons of butter and drizzle over all.

So now after all that work on the stove, we have to use the oven too?????!!!!! Jeezo beezo criminy! Make up your mind!

I can't go on, I'm so filled with rage.

The Exception proves the rule





Just as Anna Kournikova proved Russian chicks are not all hairy-knuckled shot-put throwers.




















So Stephanie Miller proves not all Lefty chicks are, well, dogs.












Stephanie is the exception, this "Out of" Air America Minnesota colleague is the rule:

Guns a blazin’

A bold statement to be sure, but one I believe is true. I found the following printed in today’s SPPP and decided it needed to be shared in its entirety.

Take a deep breath and start reading:

Get guns out of minors' hands

Joseph P. DeSua described how "refreshing" it was to watch a young boy display his new gun in a church parking lot in his Oct. 12 letter, "Gun didn't hinder church experience."

He offered this in contrast to the churches who are opposing the conceal-and-carry law. I wonder what he would have thought if that young boy had been Matthew Niedere, whose alleged shooting of his parents with his own handgun was on the front page of the paper the day DeSua's letter was published.

I am sick of the tired arguments of NRA members against gun control. We need to get guns out of our society, not rejoice in their further distribution to minors.

BOB WEBSTER
St. Paul

No, Bob Webster of St. Paul, we need to get freedom-hating freaks like you out of our society.

(I’ve got a horrible head cold an am in no mood to suffer such stupidity.)

Bob Webster of St. Paul seems t have forgotten about the second amendment: “A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.”

I realize it’s awfully inconvenient to anti-gun Leftists like Bob Webster of St. Paul that the writers of this great document trusted the people to “keep and bear arms”, but that is the case and Bob Webster of St. Paul will simply have to get used to it.

I can’t wait to see how Bob Webster of St. Paul reacts to the news today of the passage of the law protecting gun manufacturers from law suits.

Do you suppose he’ll shoot himself because there’s no hope left?

Speaking of the AP article; I’m amazed that these pricks can’t figure out why people find their reporting biased. To wit, I submit the following two passages from the above-linked piece:

Opponents, waging a tough battle against growing public support for the legislation, called it proof of the gun lobby's power over the Republican-controlled Congress. [Can any of you imagine the AP writing about the “Pro-Choice lobby’s power over the Democrats in Congress?” I sure as hell can’t.]
Then there are these two:
The bill's passage was the NRA's top legislative priority and would give Bush and his Republican allies on Capitol Hill a rare victory at a time when some top GOP leaders are under indictment or investigation.
Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, did not vote. He is in Texas in connection with his indictment in an alleged scheme to violate state election law.

What does either one of these have to do with the story? Not a Goddamned thing. Yet the AP editors allow such crap to be included.

Who give a flying crap that Tom DeLay didn’t vote?

How about this: “Ted Kennedy, D-Massachusetts, didn’t vote because he was suffering from an incredible hangover after spending the previous evening boozing with his lecherous nephews, including William Kennedy Smith. Smith is famous for standing trial for the alleged rape of a young, innocent lady during an Easter weekend several years ago. Ted Kennedy is best known for leaving a young woman to die when the car in which he was riding, and most likely driving, left the road and landed top down in a creek. Both dirt bags beat the wrap.”

No bias there.

Mrs. Nonmonkey

I was surfing through the SPPP website and decided to click on the link for Mrs. Nonmonkey’s archived columns.

Never have I been so in agreement with the little lady – the one who wears the pants in that family – but, then again, never has her work made so much sense.

If only her old man would take notice and follow suit.

The Worst Joke You'll Hear This Year Ever

Q: How were the Vikings able to cross the Atlantic.

A: They hired some tough ho's to row.

Moron Snail Mail

More propaganda. The question is whether it's from the letter writer, or from the guy who picks which drooling correspondence to print. From today's batch:

The Senate has plans to cut $574 million from the Food Stamp Program this week. It is also set to pass a $70 billion tax cut for the wealthiest Americans. Get involved, people!

M^RY @M3$, EDINA.

SHE'S RIGHT! WE MUST ALL DO SOMETHING! WRITE YOUR SENATORS!!! DRAW UP SIGNS!!!!! APPLY BUMPER STICKERS!!!! AND -

Hang on a sec -

Oh. Never mind:

WASHINGTON, Oct 18 (Reuters) - The federal food stamp program for poor Americans is no longer targeted for cuts under a revised plan to reduce Agriculture Department spending, the head of the Senate Agriculture Committee said on Tuesday after key senators from both parties objected to the proposed cuts.

It's a good thing to "get involved" - whatever that means to any given individual. But it also helps to pay attention, rather than flying off the handle and making a bunch of noise about some percieved injustice, and then immediately re-inserting your head back into your sphincter.

Vikings Stadium Design Revised!

Via e-mail. The Vikings changed the look and location of their propsed stadium:


Note that the only method to get there is to charter a boat.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Post-mortem on First Annual Golf Event

Here is the summary of the KARnation golf event:

Hoping to make this an annual event with more participants, Foot and I thought we would set the bar low. A trophy was to be awarded, but it was decided that neither contestant was worthy of the prize. It is still in design, and will reside at KAR headquarters until next year's event.

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: I put a new poll on the sidebar to guage interest in an annual golf outing. One vote per computer this time. No stuffing the ballot box. After yesterday, I'm thinking a scramble format would be the best way to go.

Pass the Hemlock, please

I should have known it was going to be a bad day when the 4-month old decided she’d rather scream all night than sleep, but I never counted on agreeing with Nonmonkey.

What kind of SOB is he to be on the side of private school, and a Catholic one at that?

This pencil-necked turd has some nerve, being in favor of the DeLaSalle football field over the objections of the elitists who inhabit Nicollet Island.

Wish me a peaceful exit.

Perhaps Eastview High Should Offer a Course About Effective Propaganda Writing

In their ongoing effort to separate more and more tax dollars from south metro residents, the good folks of Independent School District 196 mailed out anooooooooother "Referendum Official Notice and Information" sheet. Contained in what can only be described as a taxpayer-funded propaganda tract, where these helpful facts:

High Achieving
District 196 is a high-achieving district in numerous performance indicators, with students consistently scoring above average on state and national tests, and earning high numbers of state and national awards for outstanding performance in cocurricular academic, athletic and fine arts competitions.

Remember: they want you to vote "yes" on the referendum. So it's really not helpful to their cause when they follow up that nice summary of the district's glowing accomplishments with:

Low Spending
District 196 continues to spend less money per pupil than the average school district statewide ($537 less per pupil), in the Twin Cities metro area ($346 less per pupil) and among it's member districts in the Lake and Classic Lake conferences ($589 less per pupil).

M-kay. So if the district is achieving such superior results with less money (and has since time immemorial, as you'd know if you've ever broached the subject with any current or former 196 employee), why do they think that -

Um, excuse me. I need to adjust the appearance of the text so as to adequately reflect the severity of my rage at these bozos trying to put what will amount to a $300 hit on my property taxes should all three levies pass:

[tinkering] Here we go:

HOW THE HELL CAN THEY BE ASKING FOR MORE MONEY EVERY SINGLE F*CKING YEAR WITHOUT FEELING THE SLIGHTEST PANG OF EMBARRASSMENT????!!!!!!

Er, maybe - just maybe - There's more to the school success equation than the size of a school districts treasury. Good luck telling these fools that.

Of course they will just argue with a toothy smile, "Oh, but just imagine how much *better* we can do with more money." Which will provoke the obvious (but nonetheless valid) argument of "how much is enough?" And then, as always, the whole debate will descend into this typical Mobius Strip reasoning until the district is able to slide another one past the electorate in a low-turnout off-year election.

At some point, the tax burden will force residents to move to other districts. I guess that's how we'll know "how much is enough."

Dear President Bush: My Robe Size is 56 Slim

Apparently the opposition toward the nomination of Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court runs deep in KAR-Nation. Of the over 100 people that voted in the poll, 85% thought I would be a better choice, even though I may be the only person on the planet with a law license that is less qualified than she.

I humbly accept your endorsement.

All that needs to be done now is for the President to withdraw Miers' nomination, and appoint me in her stead. Then we can look forward to my cutting-edge opinions. Example:

Fleebowictz v. Twooty
No. 06-454

CERTIORARI TO THE UNITED STATES COURT OF APPEALS FOR THE EIGHTH CIRCUIT.

FOOT, J. delivered the opinion of the Court.

The Petitioner is full of shit. The court also notes that Petitioner's attorney is a complete and utter knob. We also hear that he is gay.

Therefore, the appellate court's decision is AFFIRMED.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

A Post About "Balls," "Holes," and "Shafts" That Has Nothing to Do With Football

Bill and I are off to play in the First Annual KAR-Nation Open Championship Golf Outing Tournament (Sponsored by Buick) at the lovely TPC - Apple Valley. There will be some noted local bloggers there, including:

* Bill, and

* Me.

We will be competing for the coveted Yet to Be Named Cup that Bill should be photoshopping as I write this.

Hopefully I won't lose my balls.

Moron Mail

With all the attention we've been giving to Vikingboatorgygate, I fear that KAR may be in danger of alienating its base. KAR's "base" is defined as people who are tired of being characterized as rubes by lefty dimwits, and who wish to see those lefty dimwits ridiculed mercilessly on a daily basis. So it's time to find a moron to beat on.

Oh, here's one:

On slovenly thinking

David Brooks cites powerful examples to show that Harriet Miers is guilty of slovenly writing and therefore slovenly thinking, and is thereby unfit for the Supreme Court (Opinion Exchange, Oct. 16). It is a contention that warms this English teacher's heart.

By the same forceful logic, anyone who might say something like, "There's no cave deep enough for America, or dark enough to hide" -- or, "But Iraq has, have got people there that are willing to kill, and they're hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future" -- demonstrates a similar vapidity that should disqualify him from office.

Unfortunately, the author of those remarks is the president conservatives admire, the same conservatives who treasure ideas and their clear articulation. Either there is a failure of intellect in both cases, or in neither.

RU$$ M^RK3RT, BROOKLYN PARK.

That's the kind of letter that warms this angry blogger's heart.

Here's an example some slovenly thinking and vapidity for ya', Ru$$: How about a guy who thinks that there is absolutely no difference between the type of intelligence needed to be an effective extemporaneous speaker, and the type needed to be an effective writer?

Don't you think 'twould be just a wee bit more difficult to address questions from reporters who hate you off the cuff than it would be to write an article that can be drafted, corrected, refined and redrafted before another set of eyes even sees it?

If I had school-aged kids, I would find out where this guy teaches English. If they attended that school, I'd be inclined to pull them out of it.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Vikings' Alleged Naughty Man Acts Could Subject Some to the Mann Act

[NOTE: Since this particular Vikingsboatorgygate post is not satire, the writer has chosen to utilize a more cautious style.]

Those of you who have been following the story about the alleged Lake Minnetonka boat excursion allegedly attended by a number of players of an alleged professional football team, probably already know that these players allegedly transported alleged strippers from other states for purposes of the alleged party. Members of the boats' crews alleged that they saw money allegedly being offered to the alleged strippers for alleged sex acts.

So if the alleged sex-for-money allegations prove to be true, we have your basic run-of-the-mill crime of prostitution that was committed, right?

Not so fast.

Enter the Mann Act - a federal statute codified as 18 USC 2421:

Whoever knowingly transports any individual in interstate or foreign commerce, or in any Territory or Possession of the United States, with intent that such individual engage in prostitution, or in any sexual activity for which any person can be charged with a criminal offense, or attempts to do so, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than 10 years, or both.

Of course, there will be the arguments over what constitutes "transportation" (i.e is paying airfare on a common carrier enough to satisfy that element, or does one need to charter a private jet for the sole purpose of getting the hoes where they need to be?); not to mention whether or not the ladies were hired merely to ply their stripping trade, only to have them expand their business into illegal realms as the night wore on.

Some alleged person or persons involved in the alleged boat party may be on the hook for an alleged 10 large in the federal pokey.

Allegedly.

Via Bad Jocks.

This just in...

...The Vikings suck.

I can't stand bandwagon jumpers - on or off - because to jump means you are willing to come and go as with the ups and downs of the team.

My earliest memories of watching the Vikings date back to the late 1960's and I've always been a fan.

No more.

The Minnesota Vikings - indeed all of professional football - has reached a level of dysfunction that leaves me wanting to wretch. For that reason I am giving up on the entire collection of louts.

I don't care if they don't win on Sunday. But when they'd rather get their rocks off - in public -with a gaggle of imported strippers than play the game for which they are handsomely paid, I say screw 'em.

I'm not naieve enough to think what happened on Minnetonka is new, but at least their predecessors had enough humility(?), decency(?), common sense(?) to keep their deeds behind closed doors.

The punks who infest professional sports today seem to believe they are above societal norms and with any luck the managing leagues will begin cracking down on the pigs and send them packing.

But I'm not holding my breath.

KAR FAQ: Special Football Edition

Q: How about a Vikings parody song set to a David Bowie classic? -PMB, Minneapolis.

A: I gave it a try with Ziggy Stardust, but the song's so wierd I could only come up with 3 noncontiguous stanzas:

Zygi bought a team, jammin' good with QB Daunte,
Who was as big as some cars; though he had small hands,
But he can throw it far;
He was a special man, and now they were Zygi's band.

Zygi's team really sucked, screwed up "D" and screwed up offense
Like some team from Japan, but the Vikes were still smilin'
'Cuz they had a place to hang
And get so loaded, man, well hung with a party planned.

...

Zygi pined for Jersey, Not knowing what to do:
The kids were so crass; flew in some strippers
And grabbed them some ass
They took it all too far, the crew was up in arms.

If anybody can fill in the gaps or make this better (not a terribly hard task) I'd be interested in seeing it.

Q: What did you think of the Vikings' prospects for the rest of the year? -K. Banaian, St. Cloud.

A: This Vikings team is floundering. They are flopping around on the floor of the NFC North's basement like a stripper on a boat holding a - [EDITOR'S NOTE: the rest of this sentence has been deleted due to its incredibly excessive raunchiness].

Q: Off topic: I like the new design of your KAR FAQ feature. It's much easier to read. -A. Gyllenhaal, Minneapolis.

Thanks. You'll also note there was a refreshing lack of Nonmonkey this past week. If only some other big-ciy dailies would incorporate that change into their new designs.

Q: How did you do with you football picks this weekend? -A. Flash, St. Paul.

Ahem. Three for three again. Am I man? Or am I machine? It doesn't matter since I hear that Flash (again 0-3 this week) is taking out a second mortgage on his home to finance all the beer he is going to have to buy me. I'm thinking about -

Obnoxious Packer Guy Interrupts: Oh for the love of Pete, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP! All we ever hear about is what a great prognosticator you are. About how you have yet to pick less than 2 right for the week; about how you have correctly picked 13 correctly out of 15 games; and on and on and on.

You know what he does now, people? He makes the rest of us KARNies avert our eyes whenever wee pass him in the hall. If we enter the room he's in at the time, we have to do the "we're-not-worthy-worship-bow-down" thing. Foot's becoming a little tyrant. I, for one -

[LearnedFoot pimp-slaps OPG]

Go back to your hole and drink your beer!

OPG: Yes sir.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Since I am so good at this, I'm going to go even one better. I am going to predict the games that King is going to select on Wednesday for week 7:

Green Bay @ Vikings (no line yet) - He won't be able to resist.

San Diego @ Philly (-4) - King seems to have a thing for the Chargers.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinatti (no line yet) - Uber-critical game for Pittsburgh.

Enjoy those, because from now on, if you want to see my picks, you'll have to pay.

Oh, and call me "The Guru".

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Vikings and NFL: Street toughs rule the Asylum

I am just listening to the last few seconds of the Vikings/Bears game, and the Vikes are about to go down in flames on the field for the fourth time in five tries this season. By now, everyone knows what has been going on with this team for the past week. What many may not realize is that this scandalous behavior is not uncommon for the Vikings, and may even pale in comparison to some of the off-field exploits of other NFL teams. Our Viking sailors were just too stupid to make sure the pleasure cruise didn't have unwilling participants onboard - namely, the charter boat crew.

The Vikings as a team, and the whole NFL, have been in a moral decline for about 20 years. The problem? Most NFL teams, including the Vikings, seem to be populated with street thugs. What is my evidence?


  • Players that seem to have every visible part of their bodies tattooed

  • A disproportionate number of players that are arrested for street crimes

  • Players who cannot read or write or speak proper English, despite graduating from college

  • Players who when not in team uniforms sport the garb of gang members (hats turned askew, long-slung baggy pants, and the rest of that crap)

  • The prevalence of "Gagster Rap" as the choice of music eminating from locker rooms during post-game interviews


What really chaps me is the way the NFL tres to portray all of its players as upstanding people of high moral fiber. What a bunch of garbage. If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and sounds like a duck, it probably is a duck. And if it looks like a gang member, acts like a gang member, and sounds like a gang member, it probably is a gang member.

The problem with the Vikungs and the NFL is that everyone is afraid to say that the emperor has no clothes. They are afraid to admit that a large portion of their "talent" are really just common street thugs. The NBA has the same problem, and it is starting to manifest itself in more graphic fashion. I would lay better than even odds that there will be an on-playing-surface shooting within two more years somewhere in major league sports.

The Vikings' escapades this week just show you how little these idiots care about decent behavior, or otherwise traditional moral boundaries. Until the NFL is capable of dealing with the fact that most of its personnel are people of questionable character, the "Love Boat" episode, and worse, will be common occurences.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Go away John F-ing Kerry

The loser in last year’s presidential election is spewing his garbage again:

Sen. John Kerry said Thursday that a ballot initiative on union dues backed by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger could end up depriving working people of having a say in politics.

Proposition 75 would require public employee unions to seek written permission from members before using dues for political purposes.


Hold the phone just a second still-Senator Kerry. What is unfair about requiring a union to get a member’s permission to use their dues in a political way that the member doesn’t agree with?

Seems to me you are coming down in favor of Big Unions instead of the little guy members.

My ability to work in my chosen field may require me to join a union, but I’ll be damned if I’ll be forced to support that union’s political agenda with my hard-earned money.

No one is keeping unions from supporting campaigns with cash; they just have to get permission to use their members’ money.

And the fact that your conspiracy theory about why this proposition exists puts you firmly in the Howard “The Duck” Dean camp is more than a little disturbing:

The proposal "represents part of an ongoing effort by the Republican Party to create an unfair playing field, to change the balance of democracy in America," the former Democratic presidential nominee said. "They want a one-sided argument - their side."

Get out from under the black helicopter John, the noise is melting what’s left of your brain. You’ll need it to in 2008.

Redistribution of Votes

U.S. Rep Melvin Watt, a Democrat from North Carolina and chairman of the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC), does not believe in allowing (white) people to decide for whom they will vote.

Melvin Watt is a race-bating, vacuum-brained idiot who, I surmise, believes the total of elected officials should reflect the racial make up of this fine country and he’s willing to shred the Constitution to get what he wants.

How does a guy who believes "Race has to be taken into account to factor out the people on the other side" who would refuse to vote for a minority candidate because of their race get elected to Congress and, worst yet, is selected to chair the CBC?

How can anyone with such backwards thinking achieve any level of power, unless those who elevate him are in agreement?

Melvin Watt is a disgusting individual because he paints the entire white race as being anti-black. And he does so by taking a 20 year old survey done in North Carolina and making the most stupid of assumptions – the 30% who wouldn’t vote for a black candidate then has grown to become a “substantial majority” today.

I’d like to ask Melvin (low)Watt(bulb) just how he would take race into account “to factor out the people on the other side.”

What will he do to disenfranchise whites who vote for other whites? Will he take the total number of votes cast by blacks and allow only that number of white votes to be counted? How we he determine voter race and, more importantly, how will he decide which white votes count and which don’t?

What will he do with the white votes that don’t count? Will he assign them to minority candidates to give them a better chance of winning?

How will Melvin (low)Watt(bulb) implement his blatantly un-American plan?

When will Melvin (low)Watt(bulb) be exposed as the dirty, filthy, rotten, racist pig he is and be called to the floor of the U.S House and soundly admonished for his horribly misguided ideas.

Then he should have his ass kicked out of Congress.

Oh Beautiful for Wookies' Feet

Chewbacca (file photo) is becoming an American citizen. But you probably already heard about that.

What you don't know is that our very own Dementee (file photo) was Chewie's sponsor.

Oh, They Play Football Too


Who knew that Flash could be so devious? Employing a scheme that can only be described as "Rovian," Flash managed to orchestrate (of course, I'm only hypothesizing here) a media frenzy involving the local professional football team to distract from the drubbing he has been taking in this little contest.

Unfortunately for Flash, he miscalculated just a tad, so that now his handle has itself become a Vikingboatorgygate double entendre.

Onward. The Good Professor offers up three hanging curveballs (at least for me) from a thin board this week:

1. NYJets @ Buffalo (-3). Speaking of fantasy QBs, which one of you drafted Kelly Holcomb and Vinny Testaverde? It's a division that everyone is still in for now, and the Jets rebounded from the loss of Chad Pennington by taking the ageless Testaverde to a tough win against the Bucs last week. Buffalo has been terrible on the road but pretty darn good at home. The FG indicates the teams are probably about even.

Conventional wisdom says that in the NFL, home field advantage accounts for about 6 points for the home team. That means that a lot of folks out there think that the Jets would win this one on a neutral field, or be favored by NINE at home.

With an aging running back and a Methuselean quarterback?

Poppycock.

I don't care if the Jets beat the 1967 Packers last week. This week they crash.

Pick: Bills.

San Diego (-2) @ Oakland. The Bolts lose a tough game against the Steelers on Monday night and now have to go up the coast to play a team coming off the bye. (Indeed, they get a bunch of teams off byes on their schedule. Can I still get $10 on the under for the Bolts' season wins? Oakland needs this game to have any hope of contending this year, and a loss might push Norv Turner ahead of Mike Tice in the First Off the Plank Party.

OK, more of a hard slider, this one is a gut pick. I think the Bolts are one tier beneath the AFC elite and will get better as the season wears on. The Raiders are, like, 15 tiers beneath the AFC elite, and their best player only plays when he wants to.

Pick: Chargers.

3. Minnesota @ Chicago (-3). Oh c'mon, if we can put any Viking game on the schedule, this is the one. With a week off for practicing pillaging, the Vikings come in with a 1-3 record, good enough to be only one back in the NFC Worthless. The Bears sport the same record, and their defense looked only so-so against the Browns. Bears have won three of last four at home vs. the Vikings, but they haven't covered the number the last two weeks.

WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!

Yes! This is the Arturo Fuente Sometimes-a-Cigar-is-Just-a-Cigar-Phallic-Imagery Line o' the Week!!!



Well, er, first of all, I must say that I am surprised that this line has not swelled to at least -5 since it opened (indeed, Nihilist is reporting that it has actually moved to -2). Apparently there are an equal number of bettors who see this week's news as a motivating factor for our favorite Johns as there are those who feel that a distracted Vikings team will come out flacid.

Well, you do have two teams that have gone down in the estimation of many since the preseason. These two teams both suck. And Sunday, both will be groping for a victory - a foundation upon which they can erect a successful season. Can the Vikings strip away the bad vibes and mount a challenge to the Bears in Soldier Field? Or will a confident Chicago team swallow a supine Viking franchise?

Personally, I think the best outcome would be if the Goodyear Blimp crashed into the field some time during 3rd quarter. But failing that, I'll just penetrate right to the heart of the matter and...

Pick: The Bears cruise to an easy ecstasy victory, aggressively throtling the purple helmeted warriors.