Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The 4 Most Loathsome People in America

Numbers 4 through 1: Allan Uthman, Paul Jones, Ian Murphy, Chris Riordan

CHARGES: The worst of all creatures in the political Jungle: cretins who think they're geniuses. A foursome of drooling moonbats who repeatedly mistake "tactless" for "clever," and "unfunny" for "funny". They actually believe they are at the apex - the cutting edge - of avant garde intellect, and they let you know about it every chance they get. They are smart, you are dumb. And if you had two brain cells to rub together, you would have realized that by now.

A little self-deprecation can go a long way. Unfortunately that would take precious bandwith that they could otherwise use to tell you how stupid you are.

EXHIBIT A: Number 4 of their 50 most Loathsome People in America list (the BTK killer is #9):

4. You

Charges: Silently enabling and contributing to the irreversible destruction of your planet. Absolving yourself of your responsibility to do anything about it that your immediate neighbors don’t. Assuming that it’s normal behavior to spend several hours each day totally inert and staring into a cathode ray tube. Substituting antidepressants for physical motion. Caring more about the personal relationships of people you will never meet than your own. Shrugging your shoulders at the knowledge that your government is populated by criminal liars intent on fooling you into impoverished, helpless submission. Cheering this process on.

Exhibit A: You don’t even know who your congressman is.

Sentence: Deathbed realization that your entire life was an unending series of stupid mistakes and wasted opportunities, a priceless gift of potential extravagantly squandered, for which you deserve nothing but scorn or, at best, indifference, and a cold, meaningless demise.

SENTENCE: A freak train derailment throws a railroad spike into each of their brains causing them all to fall into a persistent vegetative state. Because they didn't have the foresight to draft an advance directive, and because their families and friends - whom these four have all alienated due to their perpetual condescention - want to enjoy this, they are all kept on a feeding tube for 20 years.

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