Saturday, January 14, 2006

Are Ya' Ready For the Easy Money?

If you've been following the Nihilist in Golf Pants' football picks throughout the year, you will have noticed three things:

1) He's a shameless Domer homer;

2) He really sucks at it; and

3) I mean he really, really sucks at it.

Acting on these observations, I have devised a can't-lose pro football betting system. Take out a second mortgage, find a bookie, and bet on my picks.

For this weekend's playoff games, the Nihilist offers the following picks:

Redskins +8 1/2 @ Seahawks
Patriots +3 @ Broncos
Colts -9 1/2 v. Steelers
Panthers +3 @ Bears.

Therefore, in order to make money on these games, you should bet this way:

Seahawks -8 1/2 vs. Redskins
Broncos -3 vs. Patriots
Steelers +9 1/2 @ Colts
Bears -3 vs. Panthaz

This may be the most unbeatable betting system ever devised. You're welcome.

UPDATE: If you subscribed to The System, you're already ahead: Seahawks 20 Redskins 10. Keep in mind that the opening line - and Nihilist's bet - was based on the assumption that Shawn Alexander would be getting more than 6 carries. CLOSED CIRCUIT TO THE NIHILIST: E-mail me your phone number so that I can taunt you in real time during the remaining games.

FURTHER CLOSED CIRCUIT TO NIHILIST: I will be at Keegans this Thursday so you'll be able to settle up with me then.

UPDATE 2: The System is invincible: Broncos cover. Now on to the Colts who have to cover a big number despite being rustier than the lock on the Vikings' trophy case.

UPDATE 3 - THE SYSTEM: UTOPIAN AND SCIENTIFIC: Not only did the Colts fail to cover - they failed to win. Therefore, if you have slavishly followed The System, you will finish in the money. I can taste that guinness now (mainly because I'm drinking one; albeit one not subsidized by the Nihilist. That will come in due time. Can't make it to Keegan's NIGP? I may be having a Super Bowl party - just bring a sixer.)

UPDATE 4 - THE EXCEPTION THAT PROVES THE RULE: Carolina wins! Sorry I'm late on this one. I've been knee deep in rigaton' and Sunday gravy. Anyway, Nihilist obviously stumbled into this one; maybe it was luck, or maybe he was actually aware of Immutable Rule o' the Universe #27, which provides: "The Bears shall always, and forever, suck."

But in any event, the Pick The Opposite Of the Nihilist System held up under scrutiny, going 3 - 1 for the weekend. Until Nihilist posts his picks for the conference championships, this is Learned "the Wop" Foot signing off.

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