Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Creating the Safest City in the World

Since St. Paul's new Glorious Mayor and his politiburo on the city council wasted no time passing a law to protect us from hypothetical and attenuated dangers caused by the legal behavior of others, here are some other environmental externalities that need to be eliminated by law, so that we may all live a life free of risk or injury. I have omited the obvious ones such as restrictions on cars, fatty foods, alcohol and firearms since the St. Paul city government is already cognizant of them, and we'll probably be seeing action on those issues soon:

* Many buildings and homes in St. Paul have stairs. Every year, hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of people fall down stairs. This often causes severe injury or even death! Therefore, the building codes need to be updated to require that all stairs and the area at the base of a staircase be covered with a one-foot-thick overlay of nerf.

* St. Paul has many golf courses within her borders. Every year, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of golfers and grounds crew employees are smacked by an errant golf ball. This can often cause severe injury, or maybe even death! The city must pass an ordinance prohibiting the use of conventional hard (surlyn covered) golf balls. Golfers may still enjoy a round using whiffle or nerf balls.

* It is a well known fact that a child can drown in as little as four inches of water. The government should update the building codes to prohibit the use of bathtubs deeper than three and one-half inches.

* Every year, hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people die or are injured when they slip and fall in the shower or bathtub. Therefore, the building codes should be further updated to require that all bathtub and shower surfaces are made out of nerf.

* The 35E - 94 Interchange is a 500-car-pileup-of-flaming-death waiting to happen. Cover it with nerf.

* Every day thousands of St. Paulites cook their own meals at home. Since many of these citizens prepare food not only for themselves, but also for their family and frequently their guests, the dangers of spreading food-borne illnesses from poorly prepared food and unclean kitchens are of great concern. Because all citizens need to be protected from food-borne illnesses, private residents who cook their own food and serve it to others must be held to the same health standards as restaurants. The city must pass a law to this effect, and hire a horde of health inspectors to enforce it with random inspections.

* Every year hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people are scalded by deep fryer grease, and studies show that those who are forced to work over them several hours a day have a high likelihood of developing severe acne. If the Healthy Arteries Ordinance of 2007 should somehow have trouble passing, it is still imparative that these devices be banned with all due speed.

* Every year hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people are severly injured or killed when slipping or falling off of bicycles onto hard sidewalk and street surfaces. Cover them all with nerf.

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