Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Greatest Moron Mail Ever

This is the big one. Rarely does one encounter a letter to the Strib so inane, so devoid of reason, so self-contradictory that fisking it - and reading the fisking of it - is a pleasure rivaled only by those that might have been found in Kublai Kahn's mythical Pleasure Dome.

Really, this is a historical event on a par with the destruction of Dan Rather or the legendary KAR fisking of the recipe for spinach gratin. It can only be a once-in-a-lifetime event when you get something with this much easy material in it, that you can just open the bay doors, drop the bombs and let it burn. What makes it truly magical for this blogger, is that I can sit back and watch the mushroom cloud form on top of this idiot's sorry little letter again and again through the magic of blog archiving.

But before I begin, I'd like to take some time to thank all those people that made this seminal moment in blogging history possible. I'd like to give a shout out to the guy at the Strib who picks which letters to print. With out you man, I'd be all Iron Maiden and recipe fisking.

I'd like to thank my wife for putting up with my frequent episodes of spazmodic rage brought about by my daily exposure to left-wing drooling stupidity.

And of course, I have to thank my cohorts, my partners in crime - Bill, Dementee, Head - You guys provide the inspiration that keeps me going.

So now, without further ado... I have seen the pinnacle of Moron Mail and it is this:

BASHING LIBERALS

Just pointing out facts

Heh. "Facts". Can't wait to see what this loser thinks a "fact" is.

Bush administration supporters like William Kristol ("Paranoia trumps sense among liberals," Jan. 1) are selling the latest talking point: "Liberals are shrill and irrational while conservatives are calm and rational."

Yeah, let's talk about "talking points" pallie. You see -

F.A.R. NEWS ALERT: We interrupt this Moron Mail for a late breaking news flash!

F.A.R. has just learned that the mysterious Minnesota Democrat Exposer has just revealed his identity!!! Sources close to the situation - which we have not yet vetted - inform us that MDE is none other than the proprietor of Bogus Gold, Doug Williams. We will stay on top of this story and break in to our regularly scheduled bile-fest as circumstances warrant.

...so on -- this is somehow a rational and calm statement of fact.

Here's a calm rational statement of fact butthead: YOU ARE A BRAIN DEAD -

F.A.R. NEWS ALERT: We have further developments in our breaking story about MDE. Doug Williams has contacted us, and wishes to release the following statement:

"Nice job chuzzlewit! Now I have about a dozen pink-haired goons in unlaundered WELLSTONE! t-shirts in my front yard carrying signs and throwing eggs at my house. And I'm not even MDE! If you would have done your homework at all, you would have realized that the real MDE already posted his name ON HIS OWN DAMN BLOG over 3 hours ago. Please print a reaction before I am forced to come down there and beat you over the head wth a hairy-armpitted female moonbat.

"Thank you."

F.A.R. hereby retracts our previous announcement about the identity of MDE. We will stay on this story and break in when we have firmed up the facts. We now return you to Moron Mail, already in progress.

... his deficit spending.

DAVE SHITBALLMORONASSFACE, MINNETONKA.

First of all shitbag: BUY YOURSELF A F***ING DICTIONARY! AND THEN USE IT (if you can figure out how). I am really sick and FREAKING tired of all of you -

F.A.R. NEWS ALERT: The Flavor Aid Report can now confirm the identity of MDE. He is some guy named "Michael" and he's going to be in a bar in downtown Fridley -

One moment please...

...

Correction: he's going to be in a bar in downtown St. Paul tomorrow night. We will continue to monitor developments in this story. For now, we return you to Moron Mail.

...could be groovy, like Iron Maiden.

Thank you all for sharing this important moment with me. It's been a hoot!

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