Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The KAR Great Debate Series

MODERATOR: Hello and welcome to this, the first of KAR's Great Debates series. Today's topic is: Will the Seattle Seahawks will win the Super Bowl? Taking the "yes" position is LearnedFoot. British MP George Galloway will be arguing in the negative. The contestants will begin with a two-minute opening statement. Mr. Foot, you may begin.

LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you, Bernie. The Seahawks will win the Super Bowl this year. There are many reasons to believe this will be the outcome: they have one of the best coaches in the league, they have the best running back and quarterback in the NFL, and they have a very underrated defense. Now, there are those that will say that the Steelers are red-hot with a stifling defense. Many will point to the almost super-human play of Pittsburgh linebacker Troy Paaalomofo Pallomallo Papaumawmaw-o Banaiaiaian, er, you know - the dude with the hair. But I submit that history shows that when the West Coast Offense is run to near-perfection with superior personnel, no defense can stop it. The Seahawks are in such a position right now.

MODERATOR: Your opening statement, Mr. Galloway?

GEORGE GALLOWAY: I know that standards have slipped over the last few years in Washington but for a lawyer you are remarkably cavalier with any idea of justice. In everything I said... I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong.

LF: Justice? Justice? Are you asserting that the Steelers have some right or entitlement to this championship? That may be the most elitist and presumptuous thing I have ever heard! Oh and by the way, Washington isn't even in the Super Bowl. They barely even made the playoffs. And I'd also like to hear your argument as to why Bill Cowher is a better coach than Mike Holmgren.

GG: He's all washed up, like Sonny Liston.

LF: Are you freaking kidding me? He took a dead-in-the-water franchise and took it to the Super Bowl within 5 years!

GG: What we have witnessed is something unique in natural history. It's the first metamorphosis of a butterfly back into a slug.

LF: While I might agree that leaving the Packers for another team is tantamount to coaching de-evolution, it doesn't diminish the success that Holmgren has had at that historically sorry franchise. Do you think it was luck? Do you think the Seahawks success came out of thin air?

GG: You may believe [it] came out of a clear blue sky. But [it] came out of a swamp of hatred created by us!

LF: First of all, I just said that I didn't believe it came out of the clear blue sky! Second of all, what in the hell are you talking about? And while I still have the floor, may I point out to the judges that Mr. Galloway as is his custom - is long on rhetorical flourishes but has yet to back up one assertion he has made. Shit, I don't even think he's made an assertion yet!

GG: This is the mother of all smoke screens!

LF: *sigh*

GG: You're a drink-soaked former Trotskyist popinjay! Your hands are shaking. You badly need another drink.

LF: "Popinjay." Heh! That means a lot coming from a jerk-off wearing a red-spandex leotard. And yes, I have been known to have a snifter of brandy at Christmas, and I may even have a beer or two during while watching the big game. Remember that -the Super Bowl - the subject of this debate? But I am hardly "drink-soaked." And as for the "Trotskyite" remark -

GG: You traduced my name around the world without ever having asked me a single question, without ever having contacted me, without ever having written to me -

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: THAT IT!!!!! ME HAD ENOUGH!!! ME HATE YOU, AND ME WANT YOU TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Dementee leaps to the stage and eats Galloway]

MODERATOR: Let's call it a draw. We hope to see you back again for our next installment of KAR's Great Debates.

(NOTE: All of GG's quotes used herein can be found here here or here.)

No comments: