Tuesday, January 03, 2006

My Penis Is Nifty - Is Yours?

Every time when the new year rolls around, I get to thinking about my penis. It's a magnificent thing to behold, really. I whip it out, and I admire its long, smooth shaft, its large purpleish glans, and the loyal testicles, ever at the ready. I care for it as a gearhead might tend to his prized '56 Corvette: lovingly and meticulously. I wash my penis thoroughly every day. I moisturize it from tip to hilt with perfume-free all natural lotions. From time to time, I may even do a little "manscaping."

Ah yes. The "manscaping." As a child of the pre- "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" world, I was initially taken aback at the idea that hair grooming needn't be restricted to the head. But once I finally got up the courage to try it out, I found that my penis seemed happier. That was probably due to the fact that a smaller mane made the lion's head look bigger.

Much bigger.

So I got to thinking: do many men like to shave down their man-bushes? And if so, how far? I think it's something that all men must do to some extent. After all, a man's penis is quite literally an extention of himself. And if you don't give that part of your body the grooming that it needs - nay, deserves - what does that say about your attitudes about other aspects of personal hygiene?

What? You're still reading this? By now you must think that I am truly nuts insane. Not the case at all. I just thought this might be the best way to get printed in the New York Times Sunday Magazine.

Hey, if I'm going to write provocative yet trite crap, I might as well get paid for it, right?

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