Friday, February 10, 2006

the blog mart

the blog mart by brian o'timm

Ana Marie Cox is da' bomb

Please forgive the Blog Mart for taking last week off. As many of you know, last week was a roller coaster of emotions for me. I became despondent to the point of suicide when I realized that the delightfully filthy, snarky and sexy Ana Marie Cox had left the Wonkette blog (1). But then when I discovered (through something called a "hyper-link" - an incredible new invention that will revolutionize opinion media; more about that next week) that she had merely moved her digs to a new blog (2) I became elated beyond all description. I spent the week rehanging the hundreds of pictures of her on my walls that I had torn down. I hit the town to celebrate. I read her new book 14 times. I visited a voodoo priestess to cast a spell upon the fair Ana to make her fall helplessly in love with me.

After a short vacation to regain my bearings and contemplate what was really important in my life (Ana Marie Cox), I returned to work refreshed, ready to once again bring my legions of readers the pulse of the blogosphere, in a fair and nonpartisan manner!

Wingnuts are racist homophobes

NRO pundit John Derbyshire stepped in it this week when he issued a rather impolitic statement regarding how he really didn't care about the sinking of an Egyptian ferry. Ana Marie Cox (3) jumped on Derb for his insensitivity, writing "What does John Derbyshire is more than just a homophobe. He's a racist homophobe!"

Oh, snap! You go sister! Makes sense to me!

Corrupt GOP lobbyist talks about a hat

Jack Abramoff was in the news again this week. Ana Marie Cox (4) fills us in about an apology given by Jack Abramoff: "From the only Abramoff apologia with balls: "'That was between me and God,' said Abramoff of the hat. The overstuffed wallet was, of course, between him and his ass of his pants."

Ha! Is it any wonder why I desperately yearn to rest my head upon her creamy thighs for eternity?

The metaphor of the week

The best bloggers are the ones who can craft a good metaphor. Metaphors, when well done, have the singular ability to paint a mental picture for us that a mere description cannot. Anan Marie Cox (5) came up with a doozy this week, using the totally original and seldom used Orwell classic 1984: "'Patriot Act' = 'Welcome to Oceania'".

Oooo! I bet John Ashcroft's crotch hurts after that kick!

Ana indeed has a great sense of humor, and is a classy gal to boot. In that same post, she "renamed" the Federal Marriage Amendment the "Federal No Ass-Fucking Amendment."

I don't think there's a cleverer blogger alive today. That's why we love her so darn much!

SEE FOR YOURSELF HOW TO FIND BLOGS ONLINE:

1 Wonkette - www.wonkette.com
2 Ana Marie Cox - www.anamariecox.com/pblog/
3 Ana Marie Cox - www.anamariecox.com/pblog/
4 Ana Marie Cox - www.anamariecox.com/pblog/
5 Ana Marie Cox - www.anamariecox.com/pblog/

THE BLOGS IN ANALOG: WILL ANA FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT RESTRAINING ORDER THREAT?

Absolute zero.

Despite several letters from her attorneys, I am confident that Ana loves me and will want to marry me. If only she'd give me her digits so I can pop the question in person. I can't imagine Ana wanting to grow old with anyone but me. If I can't have Ana, nobody -

Oh hey. I just got a subpoena! She cares. She really, really cares!

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