Friday, February 24, 2006

But What About the Stevedores?

I would like to take this time to weigh in on the topic that several hundred thousand other bloggers - who are all as uninformed about it as I am - have seized on this week. Namely, the sale of those seaports to concerns from the United Arab Emirates.

[All citizens of KARnation yawn at once]

What? You don't want to hear yet another opinion about this port deal?

[KARnation: Booooooooooooo! Bo-ring bo-ring!]

OK.

Hmmm. (Flips through some notes)

Nope. Nothing in the "B" material file...

(Reaches into garbage can)

Ah - here we go. Let me start over.

Ahem.

I hate boogers.

Hate 'em. I understand that they're necessary to trap and remove foreign particles from the airway, but c'mon.

Well, I suppose some types of boogers are ok. Like the really BIG ones that come out easily and have just a little bit of uncoagulated snot at the tip. Those are fun to take out. Unfortunately, because of the sticky proto-booger end, it's often hard to flick this kind of booger since it tends to stick to your finger.

But that's it. The other kinds of boogers suck. Like those really crusty and sharp ones that tend to be high up in the nostril. They're hard to remove, and they hurt when your one-year-old merchant of pain and destruction suddenly pinches your nose.

By far the worst kind of booger (or any bodily excretion for that matter) are those high density Super Boogers that cement themselves around 2 or 3 nose hairs. Sometimes when you try to extract that form of booger, you don't realize that it is permanently attached to your nose hair. It's a sickening feeling when, mid extraction, you feel that tell-tale tug on the trapped nose hairs, and you realize that you've picked the wrong booger to, er pick. But you can't abort mid-extraction, because by that point you've gone too far, dislodging the booger from the nasal wall. If you don't finish prying the damn thing out of your nose, you'd have to walk around in public all day with a booger dangling out of your nose by three strands of hair. Therefore, unless you like being the object of ridicule, you are required to do the intranasal equivalent of a Brazilian wax. Only more painful, and likely to irritate the nasal cavity, producing more snot.

Which will eventually turn into more boogers. The cycle of life continues.

I suppose the upside to the Nose Hair Clinger variety of booger, is that have some heft, good balance and aerodynamics, so you can flick them a long way. But that hardly makes up for these stupid, crusty, useless and painful gobs of guck:

Facts aren't flexible

Thanks to Star Tribune's Katherine Kersten for a rare moment of honesty about the way Republicans think. In response to DFL criticisms of the TV ads run by Minnesota Families United, Kersten says in her Feb. 23 column: "The DFL isn't bothering to present its version of the facts in an ad of its own."

There are facts: like scientific facts and the facts on the ground in Iraq -- where we are on the verge of civil war. And then there is the Republican "version" of the facts. In total honesty Kersten can ask: Why can't DFLers just make up their own version of the facts, too?

JAY H. TINFOIL, BURNSVILLE.

Facts on the ground in Iraq...

Like, as the DFL would have you believe, we are not fighting al Qaeda there.

Well, let's take Jay's advice, and check the facts on the ground.

*FLICK*

Ooh, this one's lodged waaaaaaay up there:

This war advertisement is paid for by the conservative advocacy group Progress for America Voter Fund. Those calling for removal of the advertisement are only asking that the advertisement not be aired, not that anyone in Minnesota Families United be silenced, as Kersten pretends.

OK, lemme get this straight: you've got a group of people who have first hand knowledge of the conditions in Iraq. They are fed up with the press' reporting little more than a rolling US Serviceman body count from inside their 10-block radius of Baghdad. Unfortunately, nobody in said press will listen to them, so they have to buy airtime to get their message out. The DFL predictably cries "LIARS!!!!" and wants the ads pulled (though I note that the DFL's lead drooler calling for the ads has not been to Iraq).

And this is not trying to "silence" them?

*FLICK*

Shit.

*FLICK* *FLICK*

Damn thing's stuck to my finger. Oh, there's more:

The ad tries to fool Americans into thinking that the Muslim Al-Qaida terrorist group is based in Iraq and that's why we had to invade Iraq. There are Muslim terrorists in Iraq not because Al-Qaida is based there, but because we invaded their country, and killed and tortured their people. They are upset. There are now many more thousands of terrorists simply because Bush invaded Iraq. I do not feel any safer.

JONATHAN O. SCHIDTHED, MINNEAPOLIS.

"Tries to fool Americans" that al Qaeda is "based in Iraq" hmmm? Let's go to the source (which you can view here). Go watch. I'll wait (I need time to pry this booger off my finger).

You're back? Good.

What did the commercials say? That's right: they say al Qaeda "is in" Iraq. They never used the word "based" or even insinuated it.

And that's not a lie. Not even close.

Or I could just link to this again. And no, it hasn't escaped my notice that its hard to find articles in the mainstream press that talk about al Qaeda in Iraq. It also didn't escape my notice that this rather important item (which can fairly be described as "good news") is buried at the bottom of MSNBC's front page, in favor of a story about a (hoped for) theoretical civil war.

Who's trying to "fool" whom, again, Schidthed?

*FLICK*

*plop*

DEMENTEE: OOOOOO!!!!! LOOK WHAT ME FOUND - MOONBAT BOOGER!!!!!!! YUMMY!!!!!!!

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