Monday, February 27, 2006

Getting to Yes

The Nihilist in Assless Chaps returns from vacation and responds to our assaults on him. Curiously, the guy getting photoshopped into compromising positions with Ennis thinks he is in a position to make demands. But we KARnies are reasonable folk and are willing to reach a fair compromise.

First he notes:

KAR was moved to #2 on the list recently because of slippage in quality. I moved them to #2 out of fear that they were becoming HEINOs (hateful extremists in name only.)

That is no longer a valid reason. We noted the quality issues stemming from an entire week of nothing to be outraged about and general ennui, and remedied them (and don't forget the unfortunate Burrito Blogging Incident).

So he's already off to a bad start.

Here are his 11 demands, and our responses / counteroffers to them:

11. The attendance of Learned Foot and the Notorious B.I.L. at Keegans on a date to be determined for a literal Summit meeting.

That date has been determined as this Thursday. Bill and I will be there. Will you?

10. Remove my photo from all current references to Brokeback Mountain.

Once we are returned to #1.

9. A promise (verifiable by inspectors) not to engage in future Brokeback photoshopping. After all, what kind of person thinks Brokeback Mountain jokes are funny anyway?

See number 10.

8. Remove their blog header featuring Dick Cheney shooting the Kool Aid guy in the face. My four-year old saw it and screamed, "Daddy, that mean old man killed the juice box guy!" She is traumatized.

Not only will we take that header down (it's nearing the end of the rotation anyway), we will allow the Nihilist to provide input on the subject of Kool Aid Guy's next misadventure.

7. Significantly improve the quality of their podcasts.

Since Bill moved, the likelihood of the appearance of another KARkast is dubious.

6. Commitment from Learned Foot that he will do whatever it takes in the future to assist me in getting free custard from Culver's.

No. However, once KAR is retuned to its rightful place, Nihilist will receive an open invitation to come over to Casa di Foot for my legendary Mannigott' with my equally legendary Sunday gravy (so. much. meat.), and a quart of Culver's chocolate for desert.

And beer.

5. An admission from Learned Foot that hockey is a superior sport to basketball.

Non negotiable. Hockey is an objectively inferior sport, and to state otherwise would be lying. I will not sacrifice my cred for a list.

However I will readily admit that hockey is better than professional basketball.

4. Strategic limits on Sisyphus open threads on the KAR. Specifically, Sisyphus must be limited to no more open threads than Chad the Elder receives. We need protectionism to keep the quality Sisyphus posts from being outsourced.

We can talk about this. However, a) no decision should be made that interferes with Sisyphus' art; and b) More Open Threads for Chad would create the same quality issues that Nihilist claims caused our fall in the rankings.

3. An admission from Learned Foot that the Packers suck and Brett Favre is overrated.

See 5. (And really, Nihilist, do you of all people really want to get into an argument about football with me? Save yourself the embarrassment and drop it.) I have no problem admitting that the Packers sucked last season. That's what happens when you play with your 3rd string offense every week.

2. Learned Foot must nullify the Guinness I owe him from our ill-fated bet on the NFL playoffs.

Return us to #1, and I'll consider it.

1. Learned Foot must purchase another Guinness for me.

When you look up the word "overreaching" in the dictionary, it says "Learned Foot must purchase another Guinness for me." Not a chance.

The ball is in your court, Nihilist. Do the right thing, and end this destructive conflict. Together we could rule the Galaxy as father and son. I look forward to hearing from you.

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