Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Live-Blogging The Eating of My Burrito

11:45 - Just returned to my desk with my gi-normous chicken burrito. Can't wait to get it in my belly.

11:47 - Condiments have been applied. Chips and salsa have been arranged on my plate. Soda can has been opened. Let's roll!

11:48 - First bite: Oooooooo lots of cilantro. I love cilantro.

11:49 - Taking a swig of soda (Pepsi). Refreshing! Compliments the chipotle sauce in the burrito. Time for a chip.

11:50 - Lunch is now in full swing. I'm in the groove. Time to crack out the Strib and angry up the blood...

11:55 - Had to step into the restroom for a moment - the refried beans have hit their mark. Back now, reading the Strib. Burrito about half gone.

11:57 - Wow. The letters section seems rather balanced today. I wonder if Yost switched papers? On to the institutional (as in "sanitarium") voice editorials...

11:58 - BLLLLLLEEEEEEOOOORGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

11:59 - Bear with me - I'm still cleaning the chewed-up remains of a former burrito that just shot out my nose onto my monitor.

12:02 - OK monitor's cleaned up. My reaction was not borne of surprise, but of a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach caused by (looking at the editorial again) um,

*yorp*

BLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

12:05 - Cleaning up vomit now. Please stand by...

12:15 - REGURGITATED BURRITO RANTINGS:

The unmitigated gall:

Trouble is, the Legislature did not live up to the promise implicit in its repeal of the general education levy. It did not raise and appropriate enough state tax revenue to keep schools financially whole.

Inevitably, strapped school districts turned to the voters for permission to raise property taxes. And the Legislature gave school boards more authority to hike levies on their own -- and structured state aid payments in a manner that gave the boards incentive to do just that.

The result: According to a forecast by state Senate analysts released last week, school property taxes will surge past their 2001 levels by 2008.

That word puts the 2001 tax policy question back before the 2006 Legislature, and the voters. What's the best way to pay for education?

What's the best way to f**king pay for f**king education? I have a few f**king ideas.

1) How about not wasting money to buy your f**king flavor-of-the-week school superintendent a pimpmobile????!!!!!

2) How about spending the money on the existing (and very effective, as any public school bobo will tell you) K through 12 structure of the school system instead of perpetually looking for new and useless ways to constantly enlarge the system. A good start would be abandoning the droolingly insipid idea of four-year-old kindergarten (otherwise known as "free day care")???!!!!

STRIB: Oh but we need for the children to be prepared to learn in kinderg-

FOOT: SHUT UP MORONS!!!! The point of kindergarten is to get kids ready to learn in First Grade!!! Hey I got an idea: why don't we just enroll the little buggers in the public schools system the moment they shoot out their mothers' birth canals. Then they'd be prepared "to learn" in one-year-old kindergarten, which in turn would prepare them "to learn" in two-year-old kindergarten, which in turn would prepare them "to learn" in three-year-old kindergarten, which would prepare them "to learn" in four year old kindergarten????? Huh? Wouldn't that just be swell?????? More time for diversity lessons!!!!!

STRIB: But you don't understand....

FOOT: [Pumps sawed-off shotgun] BLAM!!!!!

STRIB: *plop*

Where was I? Oh yeah:

3) How about not wasting THREE F**KING MILLION F**KING DOLLARS A F**KING YEAR on worthless "studies" to determine the best way to get the exact same percentage of minority students in every single school in a district that doesn't have a whole lot of minorities in in it to begin with?????

YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

12:17 - AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! JUST SLIT MY WRISTS!!!! JUST CUT MY F**KING WRISTS!!!!!!!! HERE'S MY WALLET - TAKE IT ALL!!!!!!!

12:18 - BAAARRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFF!!!

*heave*

*heave*

BWWWWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRFFFF!!!!!

12:20 - And like a burrito-snarfing Peyton Farquhar, I am snapped out of my reverie by one final, pleasurable jolt of cilantro to my palate, which I find to be a better fate than his. But not by much.

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