Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Dems Unveil bin Laden Whacking Plan

WASHINGTON (AP) Anticipating the '06 midterm elections and eager to demonstrate their national security savvy, Democrat leaders have rolled out their own new strategy to locate and eliminate Osama bin Laden.

"Our approach provides a clear choice for voters this fall," explained House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. "It is a realistic and well-conceived plan to flush bin Laden out into the open where he can be captured or killed."

Pelosi outlined some details of the Dem's breakthrough strategy during a press conference Wednesday. According to the plan, a high ranking Democrat, under a pretense of detente, would invite bin Laden on a deep sea fishing trip in the Atlantic Ocean. Once the terrorist leader boards and the boat is out of sight from the coast, Paulie Walnuts and Chris Moltisanti would emerge from their hiding place below decks, and deliver a "double tap" to the terrorist's skull.

Republicans critical of the plan were quick to point out that not only was bin Laden unlikely to accept such an invitation, but also Paulie Walnuts and Chris Moltisanti are not real people.

Senate minority leader Harry Reid dismissed the criticism saying "This method of counter terrorism has been proven time and again as shown by various documentaries aired on HBO. It's time that the reality-based community took the reins in this fight against the terrorists, because this administration has been so ineffective in their search for this one single guy."

A spokesperson for the Bush administration refused to comment because "his gut hurt from laughing so hard."

Pelosi also briefly described a backup plan in which several swarthy agents disguised as olive oil importers would track down bin Laden and invite him out for drinks. Once they gained bin Laden's confidence they would pin his hand to the bar with a stiletto and then strangle him with a silk cord.

She emphasized that this course of action was only a last resort as "our main agent for that job, Pete Clemenza is suffering from weight issues, and is currently unfit to traverse the rugged terrain of northeastern Afghanistan."

Republican Senator Norm Coleman was quick to point out that there were other problems with this "Plan B" as well. "Clemenza's crew has their own things to worry about right now, what with their ongoing battle against that greasy shit 'Turk' Sollozzo to keep drugs off the streets," the first term senator from Minnesota observed. "And I have a feeling that Sal Tessio isn't trustworthy enough to play such a crucial role in this very important national security issue."

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