Thursday, March 16, 2006

The KAR Trivia Night Super Happy Funtime Hoedown Singalong Jamboree

BILL: Hi everybody! Glad you could make it. Good to see you here again JB.

JB DOUBTLESS: Hey, any opportunity to perform my favorite song: Afternoon Delight...

BILL: Unfortunately we're going a different direction today.

LF: We're doin' Number 8!

JB: Number 8? What's that?

[The Head of Alfredo Garcia chucks his jaw harp over his shoulder and magically produces a bitchin' "Flying V" guitar and an obnoxiously large amp.]

BILL: Everybody ready? OK. Oh and you out there: you can sing along with us too using this cheesy midi version!

A one... and a two... and a one two three four

[The Head begins playing the loudest, rudest, crunchiest death chords ever to eminate from an amplifier. JB looks on in horror.]

LF: [Singing evilly] End of passion play, crumbling away / I'm your source of self-destruction / Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear / Leading on your death's construction

DEMENTEE: TASTE ME AND YOU SEEEEEE!!!! MORE ALL YOU NEEEEED!!!!!! DEDICATE TO!!!!!!! HOW ME KILLING YOU!!!!!!!!

BILL: [Singing evilly] Come crawling faster (faster) / Obey your master (master) / Your life burns faster (faster) / Obey your master!

EVERYBODY: MASTER!

HOAG: [Singing evilly] Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings / Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams

DEM: BLINDED BY ME CAN'T SEE THING!!!!!!! JUS' CALL ME NAME CUZ ME HEAR YOU SCREEEEAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYBODY: MASTER! MASTER!!!

DEM: JUS' CALL ME NAME CUZ ME HEAR YOU SCREEEEAAAAM!!!!!

EVERBODY: MASTER! MASTER!!!!

[JB continues to look on in horror]

LF: Needlework the way, never you betray / Life of death becoming cleareeeeer / Pain monopoly, ritual misery / Cheee-yop your breakfast on a mirroooorrrrrr!

DEM: TASTE ME YOU SEE!!!!!! MORE ALL YOU NEED!!!!!! DEDICATED TO HOW ME EEEEAAAAAATING YOOOOOUUUU!!!!!!!!

LF: Come crawling faster

EVERYBODY: Faster!

LF: Obey your master

EVERYBODY: Master!

LF: Your life burns faster

EVERYBODY: Faster!

LF: Obey your master! Master!

BILL: Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings / Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams / Blinded by me, you can't see a thing / Just call my name, 'cause Ill hear you scream

EVERYBODY: MASTER! MASTER!!! MAsteerrrrrrrr....

[The Head launches into a 16 minute guitar solo. Lots of moshing and headbanging. Dementee sets all the furniture on fire. JB looks on in horror]

EVERYBODY: MASTER! MASTER!

LF: Where's the dreams that I've been after?

EVERYBODY: MASTER! MASTER!

LF: You promised only lies.

EVERYBODY: LAUGHTER! LAUGHTER!

LF: All I hear or see is laughter.

EVERYBODY: LAUGHTER! LAUGHTER!

LF: Laughing at my criiiiieeeees!

[The Head rips into a furious 7 minute long bridge. JB looks on in horror.]

HOAG: Hell is worth all that, natural habitat / Just a rhyme without a reasonnnnnn

BILL: Neverending maze, drift on numbered days / Now your life is out of seasonnnnnnn

DEM: ME WILL OCCUPY!!!!!! ME WILL HELP YOU DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ME WILL RUN THROUGH YOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!! NOW ME RULE YOU TOOOOOOOO!!!!

BILL: Come crawling faster

EVERYBODY: FASTER!

BILL: Obey your master!

EVERYBODY: MASTER!

BILL: Your life burns faster

EVERYBODY: FASTER!

BILL: Obey your master! MASTER!

LF: Master of puppets I'm pulling your striiiiinnnnnngs / Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams / Blinded by me, you can't see a thiiiiiiing /

DEM: JUST CALL ME NAME CUZ ME HEAR YOU SCREEEEAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!

EVERYBODY: MASTER! MASTER!!!!

DEM: JUST CALL ME NAME CUZ ME HEAR YOU SCREEEAAAAAM!!!!!!

EVERYBODY: MASTER! MASTER!!!!

[The Head closes with an 8 minute long riff. JB looks on in horror.]

BILL: Great job guys! We'll see how well Number 8 works tonight!

JB: What the hell kind of left-wing nihilistic depressing garbage was that?

LF: It's a song about why you shouldn't do drugs.

JB: Oh.

...

JB: If that one is Number 8, then what is Afternoon Delight?

BILL: Number 2.

LF: Way to work in the poop angle, Bill! See ya' tonight.

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