Friday, March 03, 2006

Poopblogging

I mentioned yesterday the possibility of some pooblogging. The time has come. Your patience has paid off. Boy, do I have some things to report!

Yesterday, I experienced some of the most vile, odiferous and just downright disgusting crap in, oh, about three weeks. The pervasive fetid stench from this pile of hell-spawned waste product coupled with is slimy, almost surreal consistency caused a gag reflex that plagues me to this hour.

Oh, it didn't come from my butt. I just endured a 36-hour stretch where the only things I ingested were water and pills (but on the upside, if there is a good time to contract an illness that makes it too painful to eat, it may as well be the first week in Lent, when those of us who subscribe to the One True Faith must fast one day and abstain from meat for two). I regret that I have no poop to give. No, that rank smell you detect comes predictably from the Letters to the Strib:

Invest in our kids

Let's hope that lawmakers (and Gov. Tim Pawlenty) finally take notice of what Minnesotans have been telling them for a long time now: The Legislature should increase funding for early learning programs, including Early Childhood Family Education.

Minnesota spends less than 1 percent of its annual budget on early care and education. This is woefully inadequate to meet the needs of our state's preschool-age children. Only half of all children starting kindergarten do so with the knowledge and skills they need to do their best in school.

Our children deserve much better.

CARLA GIMMEGIMMEGIMME, WEST ST. PAUL.

Had I any food in my stomach, I'd be spewing it all over my office at this point.

One per cent of the state budget (which I'm pretty sure is a fairly large amount of $$$) is not enough to prepare four-year-olds for the rigors of kindergarten? How much money does it take to teach the youngun's to share toys, color within the lines and sit quietly while Teacher reads to them?

My wife and I do those things with our two children for free.

Time to flush this insipidly stupid waste of money and Carla's letter.

*FLUSH*

(KAR has a 6 GPF toilet!)

Onward! Ewwww! This guy must have had corn for dinner last night:

Well-funded corporate lobbyists now control the three branches of our government -- legislative, executive and judicial. It seems that the elected representatives of our states have been rendered powerless.

Perhaps we should consider changing the name of our great nation from the United States of America to the United Corporations of America.

JIM JONES, COLUMBIA HEIGHTS.

Huh?

I had no idea that "corporate" lobbyists now have the power to vote on legislation, sign or veto legislation and then declare that legislation unconstitutional. I must have been laid up longer than I thought.

And I'm also assuming that Jim is using the word "corporate" as a stand-in for "evil" since these people tend not to know what that word really means.

And I'm also assuming (with near clairvoyant certainty) that Jim thinks certain other lobbies are not corporate evil, and thus are perfectly acceptable to "control the three branches of government": the teachers unions / NEA, the AARP, er - MoveOn.

*FLUSH*

Uh oh! We've got a floater:

Feeding the suburbs

So once again, our greedy suburbs want the rest of the state to cough up more money for highways.

Never mind that more suburban sprawl leads to more congestion, obesity and a host of other problems. They believe they deserve this subsidy to their development.

Of course, they don't want any money to be spent on transit; that would take away from the amount of farmland they could turn into tract houses.

MITCH BERG, MINNEAPOLIS.

Never mind that living in Minneapolis leads to getting randomly shot in the head.

Oh, that was cheap.

But like the first poop I flushed above, this is more of the same GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME GIMME - YOU PAY FOR IT! line of, uh, crap.

Ask yourself: did that "delicious" tofurkey you had for dinner last night get to the Sustainable Whole Foods Co-op via "transit"? How about your hippie dinner guests that live on that commune just outside of Hibbing? Were they able to traverse those 180 miles on light rail? And how did you get all that Ikea furniture back to your fly studio loft? Did it arrive by bus? Hell, how did it get to the Ikea store?

Perhaps UPS should start dropping its deliveries from helicopters.

*FLUSH*

*Blorp*

Looks like I need to break this one up with a plunger...

...

*FLUSH*

Ah, there we go.

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