SUBJECT: Foot, Learned
CLASSIFICATION: MOST SECRET
THEN WHY ARE YOU POSTING ON INTERNET FOR ALL TO SEE: There'd be no point in writing this.
AFFLICTION: streptococcus infection of the throatal area
DURATION: 5 Days
WEIGHT LOSS BY SUBJECT DURING PERIOD OF AFFLICTION: 5 lbs.
SYMPTOMS: Felt like somebody assaulted the back of my throat with a Weedeater, made me gargle Tobasco Sauce and set my head on fire. And swollen glands.
DAYTIME TELEVISION: Sucks.
NUMBER OF TIMES SUBJECT VIEWED REVENGE OF THE SITH: 2
NUMBER OF SODUKU PUZZLES SOLVED: 0
TREATMENT: 3-day course of
DIFFICULTIES DURING RECOVERY: Reading letters like this:
A gay couple from my hometown, population approximately 2,500, were married in Massachusetts a while ago. They were made famous by coverage in the Star Tribune, among other places. Since they came home, absolutely nothing has happened to the marriages of the straight people in our community. Furthermore, young straight couples continue to fall in love! I myself have consecrated several straight marriages since that gay marriage happened.
I don't know what world those opposed to gay marriage are living in, but here in the real-world town of Glenwood, it's obvious that straight marriage has not been damaged in the least by gay marriage.
THE REV. GREG BRADY, GLENWOOD, MINN.
UNITARIAN CHECK: Negative. (But close.)
PLANET OF ORIGIN: The one where the inhabitants exist without so much as a vestigial brain.
MARGIN BY WHICH DROOLING ASSHOLE MISSED POINT: At least several hundred light years.
LIKELIHOOD THAT THIS MOONBAT ALSO PLAYS THE BONGOS: Good.
PROGNOSIS: Don't let this guy more than single packet volumes of Kool Aid (or Flavor Aid).
NO, I MEAN PROGNOSIS OF SUBJECT: Oh. He's fine now.
NUMBER OF WELL WISHES, NICE WORDS AND EXPRESSIONS OF SYMPATHY TO SUBJECT REGARDING HIS AILMENT: 0
NUMBER OF QUALITY COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY SUBJECT IN LAST MONTH: 2
ENTHUSIASM TO CONTINUE BLOGGING: