Dear Washington Post:
I am writing to you to apply for your recently-vacated position of Lead Blogger for your Red America blog. I was alerted to this opportunity by the near-deafening sound of a million lefty-bloggers masturbating simultaneously to the news about the plagiarism charges against the previous holder of this position.
As I am sure that you will be very careful with your selection of Mr. Domenech's successor, I will depart from traditional cover letter protocols by telling you about my short-comings up front, in the interests of full disclosure:
* I tend to write about disgusting things.
* I like to use the word "poop".
* I think society would be better off if we all drew larger lessons from Iron Maiden songs.
* When I'm feeling lazy, I write in haiku.
* When I'm feeling really really lazy, I turn my blog over to Sisyphus.
On the other hand, I believe that I possess all the qualities you are looking for in the individual who would run your excellent blog. To wit:
* I am a conservative.
* I have never plagiarized anything. Ever.
* I have over a year of blogging experience, during which time I have mastered the use of the "hyper-link."
* If I relocate to Washington DC, I promise not to stalk Ana Marie Cox (unlike some other potential applicants I could name).
* I have enough command of accounting terms to give your female readership the screaming thigh sweats.
* I know how to properly use a semicolon.
* I only sexually arouse lefties through my sharp wit and hauntingly seductive eyes; never through my personal failings.
I believe that I would be a perfect fit for this position, and together we could make the Red America blog a first class operation. I will contact you in the coming days to set up a time when we could meet and more fully discuss this position. I look forward to talking with you.