Friday, April 07, 2006

Equal Time

You know those television ads for Education Minnesota that have been airing recently? They feature a guy who looks like Dick Cheney (a proxy for conservatives who think that spending half of the state budget of education is quite enough, thank you) talking about "slashing" school funding and returning "our" schools to "mediocrity".

If you haven't seen them, you can watch them here (top two ads on the sidebar).

WARNING: If you haven't seen these before, be sure to duct tape your head.

In the interests of equal time, I thought that those of us who feel just as strongly about the funding of Minnesota schools - but don't have the kind of cash laying around that the teachers' union apparently does to run insipid spots on TV - ought to air our own message.

NOTE: In order to get this you will have had to have seen EM's spots. Don't forget the duct tape!
[Sounder: doorbell ringing. An average ethnic looking (specific ethnicity TBD) middle class mom and her equally ethnic-looking son open the door. (Note to CASTING: when hiring the acting talent, please be sure to fill the "mother" and "son" roles with actors whose races match. Need I remind you of the embarrassing "Abu Jamal Shabazz Polackowictz incident"?) On the other side of the door is EDUCATION MINNESOTA BOBO: a slender man with long hair tied back in a ponytail, wearing Free Mumia! and "pink triangle" buttons on his army surplus jacket. Flies buzz around his unwashed hair.]

EDUCATION MINNESOTA BOBO: Greetings suckers! I think taxpayers have been able to keep most of their earnings for far too long. We need to raise property taxes by 300%! We need to increase income taxes by a similar amount! Only then will have enough money to hire enough teachers to make Education Minnesota the richest labor union in the country. Only then will we have enough money to fund all the "studies" we want to identify non-problems; which we can then spend obscene amounts of money on "studies" to discover non-solutions to them! Only then will we be able to dominate all the local television advertising slots with our expensive and slick propaganda designed to convince you that we aren't ass-raping you!

Aren't you tired of all those private schools that poor people can't afford? So am I! I promise to squash every attempt at allowing parents of poor inner-city kids the means to find the school that will educate them the best! Hell, I'm for putting those pesky private schools out of business altogether! If the public school system were a private enterprise, the FTC would pummel us worse than they did Ma Bell! Fortunately we're not, so we can continue to institutionalize our kids and make it financially untenable for you to do anything other than continuing to feed the beast! We know better than parents - that's why we ignore them!

I think it's time we all embraced poverty through socialism and a vast bloated education system!
ETHNIC SON: [look of horror frozen on face]

ETHNIC MOM: What's this "our kids" shit, jerkass? They're my kids, and it's my money. [Punches E.M. BOBO in nose. He falls to the ground.]

ETHNIC SON: Wait mom! Let me get my baseball bat.

[Fade to logo]

VOICEOVER: We wouldn't let them campaign like that in public. So let's not let them govern that way at the capitol (or school board meetings, for that matter.) The Kool Aid Report: This shit ends here!

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